19. Azrael
NINETEEN
AZRAEL
H ow could this be? How could this have happened? Could this all be a scam? Could someone have discovered my past and decided to play games with me? But who? And why?
Besides, it was clear as day. The copy of the birth certificate, badly scanned as it was, was undeniable. Name of second parent: Azrael Ramos Reyes.
I had a child. A baby. A son. A son I’d never met.
“Are you okay?” Duke asked, curling up beside me, holding me by the chest and back, his chin resting on my shoulder, looking at me.
I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what I was feeling, but okay wasn’t it. How should one feel when they got a call out of the blue and were told they had a kid? Was there a handbook? Because I certainly needed one right now. I needed a whole lot of handbooks.
“What did they say?” he whispered, stroking me and kissing my arm.
This shouldn’t have gone like this. Our first time was supposed to be a magical night. Something out of a book or something. It was meant to be just us and only us. But somehow, the outside world had infiltrated it, diluted it, destroyed it.
Moments ago, I was buried deep inside him, feeling the biggest, most intense, most beautiful orgasm I’d ever felt. Now, I was frozen in time, trying to make sense of what I’d just been told.
“I…they…” I started but stopped to take a breath.
How could I put it into words when I didn’t know exactly what I’d just been told. All I could focus on was the fact that I had a son. Everything else was a blur.
So I did the next best thing and read the email the birth certificate was attached to. The email from the officer I’d spoken to over the phone.
“Here.” I handed him the phone, unable to form coherent sentences. Not yet.
“Who is Ava?” he asked.
I squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled deeply. She’d been so beautiful. So kind. She didn’t deserve this.
“She was a girl I dated last year. We’d get together in between deployments,” I said, surprised at myself for having this much clarity. “I thought she was the one. She said she couldn’t have a part-time family.”
“A part-time family?” His brows knotted, and I turned to face him for the first time in what felt like forever.
He was so gorgeous. So captivating, his eyes so majestic, complemented only by the way the light reflected off his naked skin, making it look even more ethereal than it already was.
“She didn’t want to have a family with a man who was away half the year, risking his life,” I explained.
It had hurt at the time, but I understood it. It was how most of my relationships had gone. It was either my work, my religion, or the fact that I wanted a family. Or a combination of all three. I was used to it, but back then, I hadn’t been ready to quit my career in the Navy.
“Oh. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Azrael.”
I nodded but said little else. What was there to say? She wasn’t meant to be. Maybe because he was.
He most certainly was.
“I just…I can’t believe she’s dead.”
Duke moved his hands around my neck, encompassed my face in his arms, and kissed the top of my head. It sent shivers down my spine. He’d never held me like that. He’d never given so much of himself to me before. It was as if he’d been holding back all this time, and now, whatever it was that made him decide to take the next step with me also made him more comfortable with me. More at ease. It was so endearing to see and feel. I just wished this news hadn’t come right this moment so we could have enjoyed this newfound level of our relationship. Savor it a little while longer.
“Why didn’t she tell me? Why wouldn’t she tell me she was pregnant?”
“Did you end on good terms?”
“I thought so. I told her I understood where she was coming from. It wasn’t the first time someone broke up with me over my job, but I told her I hoped we could still be friends. I told her I was there if she needed me.”
“Aw, Azrael. I’m so sorry. I really am.”
“Why wouldn’t she tell me?”
Duke leaned closer, brushed my hair with one hand, and stroked my cheek with the other.
“We don’t know. You may never know. She must have had a reason that made sense to her. You’ll just have to make peace with the fact. Not now. But in time.”
He was right. Of course he was. And whatever the answer, it wasn’t what was important right now.
“Where is he now?”
“With the sitter. She was looking after him while Ava was at work. When she never got back home, she contacted the police, and they told her about the car crash.”
“Oh God. Poor thing. How old is he?”
“Five months, according to the birth certificate.”
Which meant she got pregnant near the end of our relationship.
“He will be devastated, but hopefully, he’s too young to be traumatized. You need to go to him.”
I nodded. “I know.”
“Can I do anything? Do you want some tea or coffee? Booze? A hug?”
I smiled.
How could he be so perfect right now? After what had just happened? After what I’d just told him?
“A hug would be the best thing right now.”
I set my phone down and lay with him in my arms. I would worry about everything else later. In an hour. Half an hour. A minute. I just needed this moment with him. To lie with Duke and just… be before my life was turned more upside down than it already was.
“I’m gonna miss you,” he mumbled against my neck, and it caused goosebumps all across my nape and back.
“What?” I pulled away from the hug to stare at him. “What do you mean?”
“What do you think it means?” He chuckled. “I’m going to miss having you around. And kissing you.”
“I’m coming back!” I said because, of course, I was.
“How? You’ve got a baby in California. You need to go to him.”
“And I also have a man I love, and I can’t leave him.”
“A man you…what?” he asked, his face going through a wild mix of emotions, not all of which I could translate. “You love me? How?”
I chuckled.
“You ask the silliest questions, you know that? It’s actually quite easy.”
“But you barely know me.”
I frowned.
“Actually, I know more about you than I’ve ever known about anyone in my life. I know you think your breath stinks in the morning, so you consume all the coffee you can get your hands on to mask the smell or to excuse it. I know you put more salt in your food than is healthy or necessary and you refuse to buy new clothes because you don’t like to waste resources when something could easily be patched up. I know you think people don’t think much of you because you’ve isolated yourself from the world to dedicate your life to the animals that need you, and I know whenever you come out of an appointment and excuse yourself to the restroom, it’s because you’ve held back your tears for the owner’s sake and you need to cry. I know that no matter what, you would give your life for each and every living creature that crosses your path, and it kills you that you can’t help more, that you can’t help all of them. And I know you think you’re not enough, but I also know you are more than enough, and any man would be lucky to have you in their life, which is why I thank God every day for bringing me into your orbit. I know the content of your character. You’re meant to be loved and cherished and that’s exactly what I intend to do for as long as you’ll have me. Hopefully, forever.”
His eyes sparkled with tears and his bottom lip quivered. He stared at me, and I held his gaze as if it were the most precious thing in my life because it was.
“Azrael…” he whispered.
“I know we’re not supposed to tell people we love them so early, so soon. It’s scary to admit something like that so early in a relationship, but…I just know you’re it for me, Duke. You’re my final stop. My revelation, my awakening, and my destiny. I just hope you want me back.”
He sniffed and wiped his eyes before he opened his mouth.
“Azrael…I…I love you too. I didn’t want to say it because I didn’t know if it’d scare you. I didn’t know what this was between us. But I love you. I love everything about you.”
His words were a song, a tune that struck chords in my veins, creating a symphony in my heart. A symphony that signaled I was home.
“I love you, Duke. I love you, my baby,” I repeated and pressed him close to me again so I could take in his essence, so I could breathe him in and feel the beat of his heart against mine.
“You still need to go,” he said after a while. “And that’s okay. I’ll be okay.”
“What? You want me to leave after everything we just said?” I rubbed his cheek, wiping away fresh tears that broke something in me.
“You’ve got to go to your son, Azrael.”
“Then come with me.”
He licked his lips.
“You know I can’t. I’ve got the sanctuary. I can’t leave…”
“It’ll just be for a little while. Just until I sort everything out, and then we’ll be back home, back for your next treatment.”
He pursed his lips to the side, and I knew what would come out of his mouth before he uttered it.
“Just…think about it. Okay? No pressure. Even if you can’t make it, I’ll still come back to you. If you want me.”
“Of course I want you, Azrael. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because I have a kid now. That’s a lot, even under normal circumstances. You’ve got so much going on. You don’t need a baby in your life.”
He shook his head.
“I don’t care about that. I love kids. I’d love to have my own someday, however unlikely. It’s him I worry about. He doesn’t need this. He doesn’t need me . You don’t.”
“But I do. I need you. I need you now, and I need you tomorrow and every day after.”
“You don’t mean that—” He tried to turn away from me, but I stopped him.
“I do, Duke. I meant everything I said. Please come with me. Think about it, at least. I’d like you there…with me. When I meet him.”
He looked at me and took a deep breath before he nodded.
“Okay. I’ll think about it. I promise,” he said, but something told me Duke had already made up his mind, and I couldn’t blame him no matter how much it hurt.