20. Duke
TWENTY
DUKE
W hen it rains, it pours .
Only I would get fucked in all the ways, good and bad, on the same night. It was just my luck. Part and parcel of how my life had gone up until that point. Figured I’d lose my virginity and have the man of my dreams profess his undying love for me on the same day that he needed to go and be with his family. With his kid.
Kid!
If only I’d waited. If I hadn’t been so thirsty for the D, I wouldn’t know what it felt like to have my already broken heart shatter to dust. I wouldn’t know what it felt like to have it ripped out of my chest and beaten with it. I wouldn’t know what his body felt like against mine, what he felt like inside me. How it had the capacity to make me feel like I was coming home.
Now, it’d be all the harder to get over him.
It was funny that the reason I hadn’t wanted to let him in was because I didn’t want him to lose me, but once again, it was me who would end up losing the person I loved.
Aren’t I the luckiest person in the world?
Because I was about to lose him. He had to leave, and I had to stay. It was what it was. He didn’t need to worry about a stupid man with cancer. Looking after a baby was hard work. No matter how much I wanted to be with him, to abandon it all and follow him to the ends of the world, that was just a dream. Reality was a whole other animal, and as much I’d love to go with him, what was the point if it only extended the process of losing him.
Yeah, it was better this way. So much better.
Can you detect the irony ?
If God had any mercy, he wouldn’t have brought that man into my life in the first place. But He was a funny guy. I learned that early on in life, yet I never laughed.
Besides, it was too fast. This…relationship, or whatever it was, was moving at a ridiculous pace, and I didn’t want to be there when he regretted choosing me.
So this was for the best. It had to be.
“Eve!” I whined as the little sassy goat headbutted me for the hundredth time while I was trying to get their milk in all the bottles. She always got her brothers riled up, and they attacked me on all fronts. It was cute but also quite painful, especially because I bruised so easily nowadays.
She bleated in response and narrowed her eyes as if daring me to delay her meal another moment. Moments later, she was the blissful little angel sucking on her milk and slow-blinking at me as if I was her biggest love. And, well? How could I be mad at that cutie-pie?
“Knock-knock,” someone said behind me, and Mom entered the kitchen, followed by Dad.
“Oh, hey, guys,” I said, double-checking my sleeves before I turned to hug them both.
I didn’t need them seeing any traces of hospital on me, even if that trace was pin-pricks from blood samples, which weren’t anything unusual.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, offering them a seat, but Mom was too busy fawning over the goats instead as soon as she let go of me.
“Who are these little angels, and why are they wearing the most adorable pajamas ever?”
Dad laughed and took a seat. I offered him coffee and fixed one for Mom before I sat in front of them.
“How have you been?” Dad asked.
I shrugged and tried to cast any suspicion off my face.
“Same old, same old. You know how it is.”
Mom pursed her lips and blew on her coffee.
“You’ll run yourself into the ground one day like your uncle,” she said.
I huffed.
“You know work is not what killed Uncle Ty. AIDS did.”
Mom glanced at the table as if to say, “Not this argument again.” Not that we argued. Not often. Not much, especially since I was thirteen and they’d decided being strict or contrarian to me was not how they wanted their relationship with their dying son to be.
“We heard there’s a volunteer living with you,” Dad said.
“And by heard, you mean Penny opened her yap,” I mumbled.
“Don’t talk like that about your sister. She didn’t say anything bad.”
I raised an eyebrow at Mom.
“Is that why you guys are here? To spy on me?”
“Spy? We don’t spy, dear. We just wanted to check up on our son. Is that a crime?”
“But you also wanted to check on Azrael.”
“And Azrael is…?”
“He’s my…” I stopped to take a breath and compose myself. Because what even was he?
“He’s your…?” Dad mimicked me.
“Azrael is…he’s Azrael.”
“I think we’ve established that,” Mom said.
“Good. Good. It’s good to establish things. It prevents misunderstandings.”
“Duke, don’t make jokes now. Do you think it’s safe to have people stay here? You’re all alone out here, especially after dark. What if…?” Dad started.
What if? What if he walked into my room and fucked me again the way he had last night? Yes, please.
But I knew that wasn’t what Dad meant. Because that would be weird and highly inappropriate.
“Azrael is a good guy, Dad. You have nothing to worry about.” Besides, that boat had sailed a long time ago. If he was going to kill me, he’d have done it by now. I had a higher chance of dying of a heart attack than being murdered by my…Azrael.
“How can you be sure?” Mom asked. “You’ve never had volunteers stay here. Did you do background checks? Did you even meet him before?—”
“He came highly recommended. Trust me. I know what I’m doing. Can we drop it now? Please?”
“Fine,” Mom said and pushed the mug toward me. “Can I have some more creamer?”
I did as told, and when I sat down again, I noticed she was staring at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Have you lost weight?”
“Have I?” I looked down at myself, trying to look surprised.
“And you look quite pale,” Dad added.
“Dad, I’ve always been pale. We’re like whiter than a ghost.”
“Are you okay?” Mom ignored my comment.
“Yes, Mom. I’m fine. Just a little under the weather.”
“Hmm…that’s not what you need a few days before the Mayflower Festival, is it?”
I stared at my coffee, the steam had disappeared as it’d gone cold. If only she knew that the festival was the least of my concerns right now.
“I’ve got a whole team of people that do the festivals these days anyway, Mom. I’m always way too busy with clients.”
Mom drank her coffee, which I hoped meant the interrogation was over. I didn’t have the chance to find out because a tall glass of water walked in. A gorgeous older man with a chunky body and a deep smile, and he tipped his cap at me.
“Dare!” I exclaimed and got up to hug the man.
“Long time no see, little man,” he answered, hugging me back.
It had been long indeed. Probably a couple of months. Definitely before Azrael arrived in town.
“Please tell me you’re here to replenish my jam supplies because I’m running desperately low.” I pointed at my shelf dedicated to his Very Berry Jam, which was still quite full.
“Yeah, I see that. How does a hundred sound?”
I chuckled and offered him coffee, introducing him to my parents. Dare Patterson had moved to the island about five years ago when he bought an old farm off Hummingbird Road and set up shop as one of the best blueberry farmers in the state.
As it happened, he was also an ex-Navy SEAL, but he had retired at forty before any others came to the island, including Wyatt, who was actually from Mayberry Holm and on active duty until early last year.
“How can I help, Dare?”
“Well,” he said and took the cup of coffee I offered, glancing at Eve and her brothers circling around him. “I heard you had some goats looking for a home.”
I grimaced before I could help myself.
“Unless you’re keeping them.”
I looked at the pygmies and pouted. I wanted nothing more in the world than to keep them. Than to keep all my animals and look after them. But the whole point of this place was to shelter and care for them until I found their forever homes. Even if it was harder to let go than I cared to admit.
“It’s not that. You just need special licensing for them. The guy we seized them from was breeding them illegally and didn’t have permits?—”
“Oh, I have permits. I just never got the chance to get any goats.”
Okay, that changes things .
“What do you need goats for anyway?” I asked.
“Well, they’re good for getting rid of weeds, for one thing. And pygmies are the cutest things on this entire planet, so…two birds, one stone?”
I smiled.
Well, that worked out better than anticipated.
“I’ll have to see the permits before I let you take them. Or the police might seize them again.”
“Perfectly understood.” He put his hands up and nodded in agreement before going down on his knees to pet them. “Have you given them names yet?” I told him the goats’ names. “Interesting names,” he said.
“Yeah, well, that’s perfect little Catholic Azrael for you.”
I didn’t fail to notice the way Mom frowned from the corner of my vision, but I ignored her.
“Ah, yes. That would do it.” Dare chuckled. Eve bonded with Dare by giving him her signature headbutts when he stopped petting her. “Well, aren’t you just the cutest? When can I take them home?”
Mom and Dad excused themselves to visit the outside animals while I talked specifics with Dare, and once we shook on it and agreed on the adoption fees, Dare left, promising to come back straight away with everything I needed.
And then I was alone again. And everything that happened last night came rushing back.
If I was going to get over this heartbreak, I had to throw myself into work, but how much more work could I possibly do, especially when I was on chemo as well. Another treatment, and I’d barely be able to drag my feet.
“Hey, Duke,” Jake came into the downstairs exam room a little later and put his jacket away. “You okay?” he asked when I didn’t acknowledge him.
“Huh?”
“You’ve been distracted this morning. Everything all right?” He pushed his glasses up his nose and approached me with concerned eyes.
“Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Fine. Yeah. I…um…my parents are here. You know how I get when my parents visit.”
He laughed.
“You do act weird, but not that weird.”
“I didn’t quite catch that, Jake. Are you saying I’m weird, Jake?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “The weirdest of them all.”
“I would be offended, but I’ll wear that title as a badge of honor, actually.”
“You can wear it however you want, as long as you tell me what’s eating at you.” I opened my mouth to answer. “If you’re about to say your parents again, I’ll slap you something stupid.”
“Ooh. Kinky. You never told us you were kinky, Jake.”
And if you’re thinking I’m flirting, I’m not. It may sound like it, but that’s how I speak to all the hot men in my life. And…well, okay, I used to be a thirsty virgin, so maybe I was flirting. But I’m not now. Thirsty, that is. Not for Jake, anyway. Or anyone but Azrael .
“Duke! Get serious.” He glared at me.
“It’s nothing.”
He cleared his throat and crossed his arms. He really wasn’t letting go, was he?
“Fine. It’s Azrael.”
His eyes narrowed.
“What did he do? Did he hurt you?”
“Oh my God! No!” I widened my eyes. “Nothing like that. It’s…he’s got to go.”
“That’s okay. We knew he would anyway. It’s just happening a little sooner than expected.”
“It’s not that. He…he wants me to go with him. He’s got to…take care of something and wants me there, but?—”
“You can’t leave the sanctuary.”
“I wish I could…”
If only it was that. If only it was just the sanctuary I was worried about. But it wasn’t. It was my heart too.
“Duke,” he said, and I looked up at him. “As long as I’ve known you, you’ve given so much to this place. You’ve neglected your own life time and time again in service of these creatures you love so much. We all love you for it. You know we do. And in all that time, you’ve never been this torn over something that seems so simple. At least to me. Is this important to you? It’s got to be, right? If it’s eating you up from the inside.”
I nodded.
“Then you’ve got to do it, don’t you? Or else you’ll live with the regret and what could have been. One day, you might look back at this moment and beat yourself up for not choosing differently.”
“It’s not that simple,” I said. “It…it feels like we’re moving too fast. Azrael and I.”
“Oh…” He inhaled and put his hands in his pockets. “That’s what this is about. I knew I detected something between you two.”
I avoided his gaze, but the heat in my cheeks was unmistakable. And embarrassing.
“Why do you feel you’re moving too fast?”
I shrugged.
“Because…he barely knows me, let alone what he wants. What if he changes his mind? What if he realizes I’m not all he thinks I am?”
He stared at me. He licked his lips. He blinked.
“I doubt that would happen, but even if it did, you have no power to predict the future. Trust me, Duke. It is worse to live in regret than in fear. And as for moving too fast…life’s too short to worry about moving fast.”
“You’re right,” I said. And he was. If there was anyone who knew how short life was, that was me. I’d experienced it firsthand.
Was Jake right? Was I going to regret not doing this, not following my heart, for the rest of my life?
“I’ll leave you to it and drag your Mom away from all the cats before they turn on her.” He patted me on the shoulder with a chuckle and retreated to the outside areas to start his work.
And I had to start mine.
I walked upstairs to my office when Azrael knocked on the door and closed it promptly behind me.
“You’re not my nine o’clock.”
“I can be your nine o’clock,” he said.
I stood as he approached me and put my arms around him before he did. I was a sucker for punishment. I really was. Where I had to be strong and decisive about him, I somehow managed to let it all slide when I was with him. When he held me in his big, strong arms.
I didn’t want to let him go. Not now. Not ever. Even though I had to.
See? Sucker for punishment .
“What did Wyatt say?” I asked when we let go of each other and he planted a kiss on my lips.
“He was as shocked as I was.”
“I doubt that’s true,” I said. It wasn’t his surprise kid.
“Yeah, you’re right. But he was shocked nonetheless. Autumn was less so.”
I smirked.
“She teased you, didn’t she?”
“What do you think?”
“Have you booked your ticket?” I asked.
“I booked two. In case you…”
I bit my lip and thought back to Jake’s words.
“I spoke with Slade too,” he said when I didn’t say anything. “He’s given me some trackers to plant on the drugs. I’ll do it tonight when everyone goes home.”
“Trackers? Isn’t that dangerous? What if they find them?”
“They won’t, don’t worry. Slade is too good to get caught.”
I nodded. I didn’t know their world. They were far more experienced than me, but I couldn’t help but worry about the consequences of it all.
“When are you leaving?” I asked. If he left, there was one less person to worry about.
Even if it meant getting left behind. I hated being left behind, but at least this time, it wouldn’t be because death took them away.
“Tomorrow morning. I spoke with the babysitter, and she’s okay to wait. I told her I’d pay her, but she wasn’t concerned with that.”
His smile faded. Not by a lot, but enough to be noticeable. I hated that. I hated what it was doing to him. And that he had to do it alone.
Fuck!
I had to do this. Jake was right. It didn’t matter what happened next. Whether it meant the end of our relationship or not, I had to help him with this. As a friend.
“Azrael, I…” I started when there was a knock on the door, and Mom and Dad entered.
“Sweetie, we’re about to—” She stopped and looked at Azrael with wide eyes. “Hi!”
“Hi,” Azrael replied.
“Is…is that him?” Mom asked, unable to look away from Azrael.
Hard relate, Mom. Hard relate .
“It is,” I said. “Mom, Dad, this is Azrael Ramos Reyes. My…volunteer.”
“Pleasure to meet you,” Mom offered him her hand and smiled. “Violet. This is…this is…”
“Joshua,” Dad stepped forward when Mom seemed unable to remember her husband’s name.
“Pleasure to meet you both. Duke speaks highly of you. You’ve raised a great man.”
“Why, thank you. We think so too,” Mom said. “Duke, you never mentioned he’s so handsome. Why didn’t you say he’s so handsome?”
“I don’t know, Mom,” I grumbled. “Is that something people say to their parents?”
“I would hope so. If they’re so handsome.”
“Violet.” Dad cleared his throat.
“Maybe Duke doesn’t think I’m handsome,” Azrael suggested.
Mom finally turned to look at me, questioning me with her gaze.
“Well?” she asked.
“I hate you,” I mouthed at him, and he laughed.
“Now, now. That’s not a way to talk to your volunteer, is it?”
“Yes, Duke. That’s not a way to speak to your volunteer,” Azrael repeated.
“Don’t you have work to do?” I glowered.
“It can wait.” He smirked.
“Can it?” I raised an eyebrow.
He held my gaze, and after a moment, he conceded and patted his thighs.
“I should get to work. It was nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Allen. I hope when I’m back, we can catch up.”
“Oh. You’re leaving?” Dad asked.
Azrael’s smile wavered again.
“ We’re leaving,” I said before I second-guessed myself again.
“What?” they all said in unison.
I focused on Azrael out of all of them.
“I want to come with you,” I said. “If you still want me to.”
“Of course. Of course I do.”
“Go where?” Mom asked.
I bit my cheek and took a deep breath.
“Cali. I need to help Azrael with…a thing.”
“With my son,” Azrael said.
“You have a son?”
“I just found out.”
“And you’re going with him?” Mom asked me.
“If you don’t mind,” I said. “Can…can you help Penny this weekend. I’ll be back by Monday, I’m sure. I just…I know I have to do this.” I looked back at him and repeated my last sentence.
“Really?” His lips lifted again, his smile reappearing on his face, brightening the whole room and my heart with it.
“Really,” I said, and at that moment, it didn’t matter what kind of hole I was digging for myself by doing this. I just knew I had to. For Azrael.
Heartbreak was heartbreak, and it was bound to happen whether I went with him or not. I might as well do something for him after everything he’d done for me.