Chapter 16 #2
“I was saying no.”
He glared. “You always say no.”
“I get to say no!” My voice was too high. Shrill.
“Hailey, you’ve got to get past this. I know once you let me try again, we’ll be able to—”
I shook my head, and I kept shaking it. “You’re not listening. I said no. Do you know what it’s called when you have sex with someone while they say no?”
He grew still, his face paling. “It wasn’t like that. Don’t make it out to be like that.”
“What was it like, Neil?” I stared at him, feeling like I was looking at a stranger.
“It wasn’t—” His lips twisted, and his eyes squeezed shut. “I pushed too hard. You’re right, I shouldn’t have pushed so hard. I’ve just been so frustrated.”
I studied his face. Somehow, I’d still been seeing the young boy I’d first met.
I’d seen the person I’d imagined he’d grown up to be.
There were no laugh lines around his eyes, just those deep grooves of unhappiness next to his mouth.
His nose was tilted up, pert even. His jaw remained clenched, the tic in his cheek fluttering.
“Who are you?” I whispered. “What happened to the boy I first met, the one who was nice enough to talk to a quiet girl who had no friends?”
“That’s what you want?” His eyes opened, the pupils narrowing as he glared at me. “I don’t want to be that pathetic boy again. The one who was too much of a coward to tell his parents no when they begged him to talk to the neighbor’s pathetic new foster child.”
I grew lightheaded as I stared back at him.
“What, you didn’t know? The Millers were saints, right? I figured they told you they had talked to my parents.”
I shook my head.
“You weren’t as bad as I thought you’d be. Quiet, sure, but you really paid attention to me. You needed me. Having that, having you, it made me different. Stronger.”
“You said you loved me.” Everything around me was too bright, Neil’s face too much in focus.
“I do love you!” Neil’s hands grabbed mine, pain shooting through my wrist. “At first, I just liked the way you made me feel. You were so good at seeing the best in me. It was like you always just saw me. Only ever me.” He frowned.
“When you suddenly started talking about that one boyfriend, I hated it. I couldn’t figure out why I was so annoyed.
Then I got it. You were supposed to be focused on me.
I needed it. I needed you. Without you, the world seems empty.
That’s how I knew. My whole world was about you, too, just like yours was about me. I love you that much.”
Bile burned in my throat as I stared at him.
“We need each other; I know we do. We just have one hiccup—the sex thing. I don’t think you realized how much you tore me down about it.
That hurt me, Hailey. Normally, you build me up.
You always tell me how great I am, but not about this.
I mean, I knew I had to get better, but I couldn’t with you tearing me down like you were.
With the whole hall pass idea, I really am getting better now. You’ll see.”
I swallowed, trying not to be sick. I pushed to my feet, dots dancing in front of my eyes.
“Where are you going?”
I stumbled over my first step, a rushing in my ears making me more lightheaded, but I needed to get away from him.
“Hails? Talk to me.”
“I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I just need to shower.” Ants were crawling all over my skin.
“Right. You were out all night.” He sighed, as if he were disappointed in me. “You can’t do that again.”
I nodded, finally making it to the bedroom. Pulling out the first clothes in my drawers, I turned toward the bathroom, barely breathing until I closed the door and turned the lock as quietly as I could.
“I’ll make you some coffee, Hails,” Neil called through the door.
I turned on the shower to drown him out. I could feel his mouth on mine, his body keeping me pinned. The bile rose faster this time, and I barely made it to the toilet. Sean wasn’t there to hold back my hair while I vomited.
My skin was still crawling. I felt dirty. Stripping, I climbed into the shower and stood under the spray. I’d turned it too hot, but that was good. The heat would chase the cold away, the ice deep inside making me shiver.
Neil loved me. He’d always said he loved me. The things he’d said now, though… Was that love?
I’d been so scared of losing him. He was right; he’d been my whole world. I was his.
The shower had grown cold. My shivering was worse. I turned the water off, reaching for a towel. My legs shook as I clumsily dried off and dragged on the clean clothes, my wrist still throbbing. I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my discarded jeans from the night before.
One other person had said he loved me. He’d been drunk at the time, and I’m pretty sure he’d meant as a friend, but he’d said it.
I held the phone to my ear, listening to it ring.
“Hailey?” Sean answered. “You okay?”
My breath shuddered in. “You said anything?”
His side of the phone was silent, then he quietly said, “I did. I’ll help you with anything, honey. What do you need?”
“I don’t know.” My voice cracked, and I let out a sob. “I don’t know what to do.”
“You called. That’s all you needed to do. We’ll figure out the rest. You need me to come over?”
“He won’t like it,” I whispered.
“I don’t give two shits what he likes. Give me your address. Wait, Jack has it. You want me to bring Jack?”
The thought of Jack helped to ease the pounding in my head. I wanted him. I wanted to feel like I had last night, cuddled together on the couch with his arms around me. But things had felt awkward at the end, even though he’d said we were fine. Would this make it worse?
“No,” I said. “I—” Another sob broke, and I clutched the phone harder.
“Okay, honey. You’ll get just me, then.”
“This is a mess. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”
“Of course you should have. I told you to. Now, give me your address. I’m already on the way.”
I gave him the address. He didn’t want me to hang up, so he had to listen to me cry the whole time he drove.