Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
I couldn't believe Ren thought he had to buy me off. Was he really so out of touch? Did he really think that of me? It made me sick to my stomach.
But the way he had just gone cold—that worried me more. I didn't remember exactly what I'd said in the few seconds before he closed up, but I knew I had hurt him.
I didn't know what to do. I had made it clear to Ren that I wouldn't accept his help and he had shut me out. I hadn't messaged him since and he hadn't messaged me.
I supposed that was it. Whatever there was between us, however briefly, it was over.
I was almost relieved. I'd been distracted and conflicted because of Ren. My performance in school had slipped. I'd started doubting myself. I was turning into someone I didn't even recognize. Without him, I could get back to my old life.
Unfortunately, that life still had one big problem.
I stared at my phone, hovering a thumb over the send button. I'd composed an email asking the events company to reconsider. I didn't give them my sob story, but I did make a strong case for why I was a stronger candidate than all the rest. I name-dropped my school and stretched the truth a little by saying several world renowned symphonies had showed interest in me. It wasn't a total lie—orchestras often sent music scouts to our school and I'd spoken with one or two.
It was desperate of me, but I didn't know what else to do.
"What's this I hear about a certain someone receiving an anonymous scholarship?"
Natalie poked her head into my room with a grin only to find me curled up on my bed. She was immediately concerned.
"What's wrong?"
I tried to wipe the morose expression from my face. It seemed like all my friends ever did anymore was ask me what was wrong. I had to get back to the person I used to be. I had to get back to my old life, pre-Ren.
"Nothing's wrong." I forced a smile on my face. "Just trying to work through some stuff."
She raised an eyebrow. "School stuff or boy stuff?" She came into my room and sat on my computer chair, swiveling around to face me. "Or both?"
"Don't worry about it. I'll figure it out."
Natalie wasn't convinced.
"You're my friend. Of course I'm worried. Is it school? You can't be failing, you're one of the best students Opus has. Is it Ren?" Her face turned sad. "Did you guys break up?"
"We weren't even dating in the first place." I didn't want her to get the wrong impression. "It's just…never mind."
"Ivy, tell me."
I debated for several long moments. I hadn't wanted my friends to worry, but they'd find out eventually when I got kicked out.
"I'm having trouble covering my tuition. Ren offered to pay."
Natalie waited, looking at me expectantly. "And?"
"I can't let some guy throw money at me, Nat!"
"Why not?"
"Because it's gross!" Didn't she understand? "I'm not going to let some famous rich guy swoop into my life and pay to get rid of all my troubles. I'm not some damsel in distress. Ren can't just buy me like I'm some shallow gold digger."
"Whoa, hold up." Natalie held out a hand. "Where is all this coming from? Ren probably thinks he's just being a good friend. Helping you out. I'm positive he doesn't think you're a gold digger."
"I'm not going to be some clichéd, poor struggling student who's just waiting for a billionaire to come into her life and sweep her off her feet with jets and fancy dinners and private islands."
I caught a hint of a smile on Natalie's face. "Ivy, it's just tuition."
I struggled to keep from jumping off the bed and shouting. "It amounts to the same thing. I can do this on my own."
"Well, if you've made up your mind, then why are you so sad?"
Sad? I thought the lump in the pit of my stomach was anger, maybe fear. Did I look sad? I looked down at my phone. There were still no messages from Ren.
"I think I hurt Ren's feelings when I turned him down."
She nodded thoughtfully. "He might think you're rejecting him completely, not just his money."
"That's just it. He thought if he paid my tuition, I'd have a reason to be with him! As if I was that shallow. I can't be with someone who uses his fame and fortune to make girls throw themselves at him."
Her lips twitched. "I guarantee you he does not need to flaunt his money to get girls." She pulled out her phone and tapped on it, then turned the screen around to face me. There was a picture of Ren in concert, no jacket or tie, his collared shirt unbuttoned halfway down his chest, his handsome face illuminated by the stage lights. "Are you really going to let your pride get in the way of getting some of that ?"
She didn't know that I'd already gotten some of that.
"Are you blushing? Oh my god, you are!" Natalie clapped her hands together. "So you actually did it? You did, didn't you! You and Ren?"
"Not…all the way. Just a little bit."
"Tell me. Now." There was anticipation in her eyes. "Let me live vicariously through you."
"I'm not telling you all the sordid details!" That was way too embarrassing, plus it was my own private business. I felt bad talking about Ren like that, even though we would probably never see each other again.
"Was it good, at least?"
"Yeah. It was really good."
"He didn't just throw you out in the cold afterwards? He was a gentleman?"
"He was." I'd been the one to storm off. Ren wasn't some playboy who used girls and discarded them. That was one thing I didn't have to worry about.
No. Instead, he was an entitled rich kid who thought money could get him anything he wanted.
None of my inner angst deterred Natalie.
"It's all so exciting." She sighed in exaggerated delight, pressing her hands against her chest. "There's just something about rock stars that makes me swoon like a thirteen-year-old girl, you know?"
"Nat, that's probably the last thing a guy wants to hear before he has sex with you."
She quirked a sardonic grin. "It's not like I'll ever be in the position to say it."
A small thought niggled in the back of my head. What would happen if my friends met the other guys from Feral Silence? Would any of them be interested in someone like Natalie? She certainly seemed to have a thing for Morris. Was he single?
I shook my head inwardly. It would never happen. Ren and I were done. There would never be a chance for our friends to meet.
The thought made me oddly sad. Without realizing it, I'd secretly been thinking about what my future might look like with Ren—our two friend groups intermingling, going on double dates, meeting each other's parents.
That thought made me pause. I supposed we had already met each other's parents. He had certainly met mine. I tried to think back, tried to remember anything I could about Ren's mother and father.
I had the vaguest recollection of a woman with a smooth, aristocratic face and a man with salt-and-pepper hair wearing a stern expression. I'd only seen them once or twice. I tried as hard as I could to remember, but that was it.
Now that I thought about it, I didn't think I'd ever seen them pick Ren up after music lessons. They'd certainly never come to any of his recitals. When our music school held open classes so parents could observe, they had never shown up.
I thought back to the first few days after I'd met Ren, when I'd been trying to reconcile the man I'd met with the boy I'd known.
It wasn't until his parents starting calling around that we realized Ren had been missing for two weeks.
It took his parents more than fourteen days to realize he was gone.
My heart squeezed in my chest. How could I have forgotten that? Back when Ren disappeared, I'd wondered why it took his parents so long to notice. What kind of mom and dad didn't realize their child was missing for two whole weeks ?
Ren's parents bought him an expensive car for his sixteenth birthday. He had the best violin money could buy. He always wore brand name clothing, always had the latest electronics and gadgets.
And yet his parents didn't notice he was missing for fourteen days.
"Nat, did your parents ever go to your recitals when you were a kid?"
She looked slightly confused at the change in subject, but still huffed out a laugh and rolled her eyes. "Are you kidding? They never shut up about them. They invited every distant relative, every neighbor, every coworker. You would have thought I was some sort of musical prodigy the way they went on and on."
My parents had never been wealthy, but they always made sure to be a part of my life. They were always there for me, always supporting me. From the way they lavished gifts on him, I'd always assumed Ren's parents were the same.
I thought back to the words I'd shouted at him.
You can't just buy people off, Ren.
Temsah was astonished when I turned down the scholarship offer. I told him to give it to someone else who met the criteria. He asked why, but I simply said it was a personal choice.
He didn't understand, but he accepted my decision. Either way an anonymous donor was still helping a student. It didn't matter whether it went to me or someone else.
I felt lighter somehow after telling him. Even though I still needed to figure out a way to pay my tuition, I felt better without having Ren's money floating over my head.
Ren. I still felt bad about how things had ended, but I didn't know what to do about it. He hadn't messaged me and the longer we went without contact, the more I was sure he was upset with me.
It was better to just leave things the way they were and get back to my old life.
I had been looking up other jobs, trying not to get discouraged. There had to be something . I'd been foolish to rely solely on one job offer. I went back to my tutoring idea. So what if no one wanted to learn cello? I was good at math in high school and lots of kids needed tutoring in math. I could work it around my school schedule, on nights and weekends.
I wasn't just going to give up.
One subway ride and two buses later, I was back home and ready to start another job search. I refused to let myself wallow.
I wheeled my cello out of the elevator backwards and pulled it down the hallway toward my apartment door. A touch on my arm made me whirl around.
Ren.
I stopped, nearly letting go of my cello in shock. Ren rushed to steady it before it fell from my fingers and hit the floor. His hand cupped mine, fingers strong and warm despite the cool weather outside.
A long scarf hung around his neck. His hair was tucked up under a knitted winter hat. It wasn't cold enough for a hat or scarf, so I assumed he wore them as a disguise. He wore his black, slim-fitting pea coat so well he wouldn't have looked out of place on a runway. I was wearing a puffy black coat that made me feel like a lump of marshmallows.
Every time I saw him it was like I forgot just how good looking he was. I kept on remembering him as the teenager I'd once known, but Ren was most definitely a man now. I couldn't stop my body from responding to him; a flush crawled up my face and my breathing sped up.
"What are you doing here?" were the first words out of my mouth.
"Can we talk?"
"How do you know where I live?"
His own cheeks flushed, looking slightly ashamed. "I asked your friend Natalie."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "How do you know Natalie?"
"She submitted a video just like you. I had a way to contact her."
"You convinced her to give you my address?"
Ren ducked his head, burying his face in his coat collar. "She gave it up pretty easily."
That sneaky…
We were still standing in the hallway outside my apartment door. The look in his eyes was so hesitant, so distressed. I couldn't just kick him out.
"Come in."
I called out to the girls, but they weren't home yet. Did they arrange to give me and Ren private time? Devious matchmakers. Once my coat, boots and cello were put away, I turned to face Ren.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"I want to apologize." He looked around the room and gestured to the sofa. "Can we sit?"
My stomach muscles clenched unconsciously and an ache started up between my legs. I remembered what happened the last time we'd sat next to each other and gotten comfortable.
"Okay." The word came out weak, shaky.
When we were settled in and facing each other, he took a big breath. "I think we've had a misunderstanding."
I was silent, waiting for him to explain.
"I'm worried that you think I'm trying to use my money to guilt you into being with me."
"You said you wanted there to be a reason for me to be with you. That you didn't think I'd like you anymore. Then you offered me money."
"That was never my intention. At all." Ren took my hand and looked me in the eye, putting every ounce of sincerity into his expression that he could. "I know what I said sounded bad. I just meant that if you had to leave, if you had to go back home, I'd lose my chance." He rubbed his thumb across the back of my hand in slow, sweeping motions, turning my insides into mush. "I didn't want to lose my chance to be with you."
"What you said really hurt."
"I'm sorry."
"And then you just shut me out when I refused."
Ren paused, looking pained for a brief moment. "It wasn't because you turned me down. It was just— you said something that triggered a sore spot." He looked away, his mouth turned down into a troubled grimace. "You couldn't have known. I don't blame you."
"What did I say?" Whatever it was, I never wanted to say it again.
He blew out a breath and sunk back into the sofa cushions. "How much do you know about my parents?"
Had I been right? Was there something about his mom and dad?
"I don't remember much about them. They were never really around."
He glanced over at me quickly. "It's going to sound so stupid."
I bit my lip and shifted on the sofa until I was pressed up against his side. "Tell me."
"I was never very close with people growing up," he started.
"You were always kind of a lone wolf."
"It wasn't because I wanted to be. I just learned it was better to be by myself."
I hesitated before asking softly. "Why?"
"My friends were only my friends because I had money." He blurted out in one breath. "I had the coolest toys, the newest video games, the best car. None of them actually cared about me." His eyes flicked to me. "Except you. You never asked me to buy you anything. You never even mentioned my money."
"It honestly never occurred to me," I said, surprised. "I knew your parents gave you lots of stuff, but—" I shrugged.
"They gave me everything. Anything I wanted, anything I asked for, even things I didn't ask for. They showered me with…just stuff. I think it was how they consoled themselves. How they made themselves feel better. How they convinced themselves that they weren't bad parents." He turned his face away, expression clouded with discomfort. "But it didn't work. I still knew."
"Knew what?"
He was silent for a moment before answering. "They hated me. They wished I'd never been born."
I sat up, shocked. "Ren, I'm sure that's not true."
"I know it's true."
"Is—is that why you left?"
He clamped his mouth shut and looked away.
I was stunned. I couldn't imagine what it felt like to think your parents hated you. I'd always known how much my parents cared for me. I'd never doubted it.
Ren's lips twisted into a bitter smile. "It's stupid, right? Poor little rich kid, mommy and daddy didn't love him." He looked away and murmured something.
"…And they had reason to."
Had I heard that right? Did Ren think he had done something to deserve his parent's hatred? Tears stung the back of my eyes. I wrapped my arms around Ren's neck, practically climbing into his lap to give him a hug.
"I'm so sorry." I knew exactly what I'd said that had hurt him so much the night I went to his place.
You can't just buy people off, Ren.
Ren's parents used money as a substitute for love. No wonder he'd left—who would be able to stand living in a house like that? No wonder he had such a messed up view of the world. How much would it damage a person to believe his own parents, the people who were supposed to love him no matter what, actually hated him?
It would probably make someone feel like unlovable.
I just wonder sometimes, Ren had said on our date. Whether this is real or not. Wondering when it's all going to disappear. All my fans, all that attention. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve it.
"Ren, whatever you think about your parents, it doesn't matter. You're a wonderful person. You're talented and gorgeous and people all over the world worship you."
He wrapped his arms around my waist, squeezing me tight. We sat there with our limbs tangled together for long moments, chests heaving against one another as we breathed.
"Gorgeous, huh?" he finally spoke up, his tone teasing.
I blushed and buried my head in his chest. "Shut up. You know exactly how sexy you are."
"First it was gorgeous, now it's sexy. I like where this is going. What's next?"
"Don't start getting a big head like your lead singer."
Ren grimaced. "God forbid." He fell silent staring at me, his thumbs caressing my sides. My body heated up at his touch, even through layers of clothing. I wondered if there would be a repeat of last time.
"Can we talk about the duet idea again?"
I groaned and pulled back. "Ren, I told you?—"
"No, listen. What if instead of me paying you, we split the royalties fifty-fifty? That way it's not me giving you money. If the fans like it, they'll buy it. It'll be your own hard work."
I paused to contemplate it. It didn't sound half bad. Ren wouldn't be paying me off; I'd be making the money myself. I'd still be using his fame—no one would listen to some brand new classical artist—but it would still be my own work if we composed the piece together.
Ren watched with anticipation as I debated the idea inside my head. I nodded. "Okay. I'll do it."
He grinned, delighted. "Awesome! This is going to be so great. Just you watch. We're totally going to outsell anything Jayce has done."
"Are you in some sort of competition with him?"
"No. Not really. I'd just like to beat the pants off him one of these days in some way. I know I'm not as popular as he is."
I began to protest, but he shook his head.
"It's okay. I know where I stand when it comes to the fans. It's our unspoken arrangement. Kell's a huge flirt. He has people eating out of the palm of his hand. They would die for him. Jayce oozes sex appeal without even trying. Girls throw themselves at him all the time. That's enough of an ego for one band. It's better if Morris and I keep it more subdued compared to those two."
I'd seen how girls acted around him. If what I'd seen from Ren on stage was 'subdued', I didn't want to know how they'd react if he put one hundred percent into it.
The thought of all those girls made me squirm inside. Ren had said he didn't want to lose his chance to be with me. He liked me. Out of all the girls in the world he could have chosen, he chose me. Why? What made me so special?
I shook my head inwardly. I couldn't let myself think like that. I couldn't doubt myself. So what if Ren had a million girls lusting over him? He wasn't with any of them. He was with me. He saw something in me, even if I didn't see it in myself. He said I was talented. Growing up, everyone called me gifted, but coming from someone like Ren, that meant a lot.
Had Ren's parents ever called him gifted? Had they even listened to him play music at all? I couldn't believe any parent could hate their child. What had they done to make him think that way? What had they done to make him run?
And why did he think he deserved it?