Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I don't know how long I sat in the cafeteria. Long enough for the sun to set, coloring the sky pink and orange before setting into a blue twilight outside the hospital windows.
I wasn't thinking about Nathan and his mom. I was thinking about my parents.
My mom had been a paralegal. Not a full lawyer, but it still involved long hours and late nights. She'd always dreamed of going into law. And she'd had to quit because of me. I had too many appointments, too many surgeries, for her to keep working.
My dad always worked extra hard at his job as a high-powered business consultant to make up for losing a second income. He had to make sure we could pay for all my treatments. We had good medical insurance through his work, but it didn't pay for everything. He was always working overtime.
"Becca!"
I heard Nathan approach me on swift feet.
"There you are," he said. "I was looking everywhere."
He took a seat across from me. I continued staring at the table, not looking at him.
My mom had given up all her social events by the time I was a tween. No more book clubs, no more painting classes. I wasn't gaining enough weight so I needed that gastrostomy tube. She needed to make sure I was getting my feedings. I would cry, sometimes, out of worry and fear, when she hooked me up. She couldn't stand to be away from me, couldn't stand not being able to comfort me, for even one evening.
My dad spent every free minute when he wasn't at his job researching my condition. He had no other hobbies. He was always on the internet or reading textbooks and medical journals, taking reams of notes. He wanted to make sure he understood my illness as well as my doctors. He needed to make sure I was getting the best care. I couldn't recall ever seeing him read anything for fun, not even once.
"Why did you run off?" Nathan asked. "My mom would have loved to talk to you, knowing that we're dating now. She said as much."
"I had to get back to work."
Really, my shift had almost been over. Helen was the last patient I'd been scheduled to visit. But I couldn't have stayed in that room with Nathan and his mom, not knowing everything I did.
Helen Walker, the woman who told me how much her son had lost, how much he'd had to give up, because of her.
Nathan Walker, the man who told me how he'd taken care of his mom his whole life, how he'd finally hit it big and was now finally free to live his life the way he wanted.
"My mom was pretty surprised to find out the Becca who's been visiting her all this time was the same girl I'd been dating," he said. "She told me you're such a nice girl, that you always seemed sort of lonely, and that you deserved something special in your life." He let out a chuckle. "I think she was more happy for you than she was for me."
I nodded vaguely.
My mom and dad didn't have date nights. They never went out together by themselves. They didn't trust a babysitter to know how to take care of me. They didn't trust a stranger to know what to do if something went wrong.
They had to live with the knowledge that I'd need care for the rest of my life. They lived with the knowledge that at any moment, something might go wrong.
I'd seen Nathan's face during my panic attack after zorbing. He'd been so worried, so upset. He'd been so concerned, trying his best to take care of me.
I'd seen his face when we tried indoor skydiving. He'd torn up the tickets, refusing to do something he'd been looking forward to, all because he was worried about my health.
If he stayed with me, that was going to be his life. Always worrying. Always sacrificing.
Those were the burdens I'd placed on my parents.
And I'd be damned if I was going to place them on Nathan.
I took a deep breath.
"I think we should stop seeing each other."
Nathan's entire face went blank. "What?"
"I think we should stop seeing each other," I repeated verbatim, unable to force any other words out of my mouth.
His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again.
"Why?" he breathed, a single word full of confusion and disbelief.
"I—"
I can't let you give up your life for me.
I knew I couldn't say that out loud. He would protest. He would cajole. He would give me all sorts of reassurances.
But none of it mattered.
Nathan's life had already been derailed because of his mother's burden.
I couldn't place more on his shoulders.
"Is this about the Stephanie thing?" he asked. "Because that meant nothing. My mom just got confused. I'm not dating anyone else, if that's what you think."
I knew he wasn't dating anyone else.
But it gave me an excuse.
I nodded slowly. His expression turned anguished.
"I swear, there's no one else," he said. "There's just you. Only you. My mom was just remembering the last girl I'd told her about. That's all."
I clasped my hands together in my lap, trying to hide the trembling.
"You've dated a lot," I said. "There's been a lot of women."
His face twisted.
"So what? That doesn't mean anything. That's all in the past!"
I stayed silent, staring down at my hands, willing the tears away, not allowing them to sting my eyes.
Nathan stood abruptly, screeching the chair across the floor.
"Are you really mad at me for that?" he asked, incredulous. "You knew exactly what I was when we met. Fuck, you were the one who practically dragged me home, remember?"
"I remember," I said, not looking at him.
The hurt on his face warped into something less distressed, more aggravated.
"I can't believe you're going to stand here and judge me!" he seethed. "We can't all be saints like you."
"I'm not a saint," I murmured.
I lied to my parents.
I lied to Nathan.
I lied to myself.
I'd told myself everything was going to be fine, not to worry, that things with Nathan and I would work out.
It had been a lie and I'd known it. Things were never going to work out. It was always going to end like this. The whole reason I'd gone to that concert was because I knew there was no future with a cocky, playboy rock star. It was all supposed to be casual, just for fun.
But I'd got in too deep. I'd fallen too fast. I'd fallen for Nathan.
And considering the combination of heartbreak and indignation on his face, I had to assume he felt something similar for me.
That was why I had to break it off now. Before this went too far.
I refused to put my burdens on someone I…
My lower lip quivered. I pressed my lips together firmly.
I refused to put my burdens on someone I loved.
"I'm sorry," I said, finally looking at him.
I'd tried to make my eyes hard, my tone unyielding. All I managed to do was speak the words numbly, like a zombie, my eyes blank and empty.
"I don't want to see you anymore," I continued.
He fisted his hands at his side, shaking with fury, but the anguish in his eyes almost broke me.
"Fuck you," he snarled. He whirled away, stomping off a few feet, before he turned around, eyes blazing with anger. He heaved a heavy breath and opened his mouth a few times. He looked frustrated, as if he couldn't find the words he wanted to say.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Fuck your apologies," he spat. "I'm done with this."
And for once, Nathan was the one who stormed off, leaving me to sit there, staring at his retreating back, tears finally falling from my eyes, and shards splintering from my shattered heart.