Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
I wandered listlessly around my apartment for days. I'd call in sick at the pet shop and I'd told Tracey I wouldn't be able to make my next few volunteer shifts. I couldn't handle being around people. I couldn't pull myself together enough to pretend everything was okay.
And I absolutely could not risk running into Nathan.
My chest went tight.
Nathan.
I'd broken up with him.
I'd broken his heart, and in the process I'd also broken mine.
I glanced at my phone, sitting on the coffee table. There had been no texts. No phone calls.
Not that I had expected there to be. After what had happened, I could imagine Nathan wouldn't want to speak to me ever again.
My stomach rumbled. I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten. I'd had no appetite. But I was beginning to get hunger pangs, so I went over to the fridge. When I opened it, I found it nearly empty. Same for the cupboards. I hadn't gone grocery shopping in a while.
I used to take most of my meals with my family, but ever since that fight with my mom, I'd been eating down in my apartment. Which meant I'd depleted my meager stash of food.
I slumped against the fridge and rested my head against the freezer door, closing my eyes. The cool temperature seeped into my skin, making my outsides feel as icy and numb as my insides.
That lump inside me hadn't gone away. Instead, it had only grown larger, colder, like a mountain-sized iceberg floating in my belly, ready to tear through me and demolish every inch of me.
The only thing that kept me from falling apart completely was knowing I'd done the right thing in the end.
I'd hurt Nathan, but it was better to hurt him a little bit now than to put him through something even worse later on.
My stomach rumbled again, painfully this time. I double-checked, but I didn't even have my usual emergency stash of granola bars. I had to go get some food.
With a sigh, I heaved myself upright. I made my way up the stairs and paused, listening through the door. I didn't hear anything. I inched the door open a crack. I didn't see anyone. The coast was clear.
I tiptoed into the kitchen, intending to make a quick dash for food. I didn't have the energy to make food from scratch, but maybe I could steal some cookies or crackers. I opened the cupboard where we kept the treats and snacks and rummaged around.
My eyes landed on a bottle of chocolate syrup.
I was assaulted with memories. Nathan's touch, his scent, his taste. The taste of him mixed with the taste of chocolate.
I can think of a dozen uses for chocolate syrup that have nothing to do with ice cream.
The echo of his voice filled my ears. He'd come to my apartment that evening, apologizing for how he'd acted. I'd apologized to him, as well. We'd both promised to talk things out and compromise from now on.
He'd told me he cared about me. He told me the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me.
Tears filled my eyes.
I cared about him too.
That was why I had to hurt him .
"I told you, the neighbors are complaining again!" my mom's voice rang throughout the house.
I heard the slam of the front door and my father's heavy footsteps.
"I'll get to it this weekend," my dad growled.
My parents entered the kitchen, still fighting.
I hastily wiped the tears away with the back of my hands, but I knew my eyes were still going to be red.
"Becca! I didn't expect to see you out here," my mom said, surprised. Then her voice turned stiff. "Does this mean you've finally decided to stop sulking and giving me the silent treatment?"
I turned to face my parents. Their faces immediately became concerned.
"Honey, what's wrong?" my dad said. "Are you okay?"
"Are you feeling well?" my mom asked urgently. "Is something?—"
"I'm fine," I said quietly.
"What's wrong?" she repeated. "Why are you crying?"
I exhaled a shaky breath and opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.
Her lips pressed in a firm line. "It's that boy, isn't it?"
"Marie, don't start," my father said, holding up a hand. He turned sad eyes to me. "Honey, I'm upset you didn't think to tell me about this boy you're dating."
"I figured Mom would tell you," I murmured.
"I would have preferred to hear it from you directly," he said.
"I'm sorry." I shook my head. "It doesn't matter now, anyway."
My dad stared at me, then sighed deeply. "Does that mean it's over?"
Fresh tears filled my eyes. "Yes."
My mom tsked. "I knew he was going to hurt you?—"
"Marie…" my dad said in a warning tone. "She doesn't need to hear an I told you so."
My mom frowned at him before turning back to me. "Honey, I know you're sad, but this is for the best."
"I know!" I cried. "Don't you think I know that? I'm the one who broke up with him ."
They both looked surprised.
"I know it's for the best," I said, my breath hitching. "I know how much you guys have given up for me and I didn't want to do that to him so I broke it off. He was the best thing to ever happen to me and I threw it away. I'm going to be alone forever. Are you happy now?"
My mom's face softened, pity filling her eyes. "Becca, you're not alone. You have us."
I let out a derisive laugh. "You mean I have two parents who are constantly sniping at each other and fighting behind my back and smothering me and treating me like I'm still a child."
I was yelling by the end, but I still saw the pained look on their faces, shock and hurt and guilt.
"Knowing I made the right decision doesn't make it hurt any less," I bit out. "So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to the basement apartment I had to fight for permission to live in and cry my eyes out."
I whirled around and stomped back down the stairs, slamming the door behind me.
I did exactly what I told my parents I was going to do. I sat on the sofa, buried in a pile of blankets, tears burning as they fell from my eyes.
I knew I couldn't put my burdens on Nathan. I cared about him too much to do that to him. It wasn't fair.
But…
It wasn't just that I cared about him.
I loved him.
I was in love with Nathan Walker.
I hadn't been exaggerating when I said he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.
And I really had thrown it away.
It felt like I cried for hours, days, weeks. I cried so long I eventually ran out of tears, until all I could do was stare blankly at the wall and will myself to stop feeling.
That iceberg inside my stomach was on a collision course to my heart.
I knew if I let it, it would completely decimate every piece of me.