20. Paige

Matilda - Harry Styles

T he instant I stepped into Dad’s truck, his face filled with a mixture of worry and concern. I know I must have looked like a wreck, with makeup smeared across my cheeks. He pats my thigh in solidarity as I do my best to hold back more tears. It’s a miracle the well hasn’t dried up yet. I bring Cade’s hoodie to my nose and inhale.

“Happy Birthday, kiddo.”

“Thanks, Dad. Sorry, I’m not exactly a good travel companion right now.”

“No problem, Pipsqueak. Wanna talk about it?” He knew I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend at the airport, but I kept the details vague. I can’t tell if he’s fishing, but I don’t miss the moment his gaze snags on my ring finger. Shock washes over his expression, but he quickly reins it in, waiting for my response.

I know I can’t really ignore the elephant in the room, so I blurt, “I’m engaged. ”

“Yeah, I gathered that by the rock on your finger.”

Inhaling a shaky breath, I begin my well-rehearsed speech, “I know this is going to seem like it came out of left field —”

“You could definitely say that,” he cuts in.

“We kept our relationship private for a long time. It’s not personal. We had a lot to figure out.” I anticipated that I would have a lot to answer for, so I made sure I was prepared for any eventuality. “His name is Cade. He’s 27 years old, and he lives in Oak Ridge, Kentucky. We didn’t plan to rush into things the way we did but it feels right, Dad. Once we realized we lived so far apart, we agreed to be friends, but if I’m being honest, there was always something more there. I really want you and Mom to support me.”

“Are you done?” he snaps. I nod and brace myself for what comes next.

“I want you to be happy.” Ok this isn’t too bad. “But you can’t really be serious. What happens when long distance doesn’t work out? How do you plan to finish your degree and have a relationship with someone who lives in another country? You’re 23 years old, for fuck’s sake. You have a whole life to live.”

Deep breath, Paige. You knew this was coming. “I know this is a shock and I understand that we have a lot to talk about, Dad, but can you at least respect me enough to let me make my own decisions for once? He makes me happy, more than anything else in my life ever has.”

“That may well be the case, but you should be focusing on getting your degree, not traipsing around Toronto with some guy you hardly know.”

“I dropped out, Dad.” I blurt out the words in frustration, and it’s too late to take them back so I decide to soldier on. “I was depressed and failing. I don’t want to be a teacher, I never have. There was so much pressure to follow the path that you and mom laid out for me. I have other dreams and I want to choose me for once.” A stunn ed silence fills the cab of Dad’s truck. I’ve never spoken about this before and truthfully it feels like a weight off my chest.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m disappointed in you, Paige.”

I’m speechless. The words replay on repeat in my head for the rest of the drive; “I’m disappointed in you”. They’re the words every child dreads, and they pierce straight through my already bruised heart.

The rest of the drive passes in silence. Every mile takes me further away from Cade and the intricately woven pieces of our time together. My father’s words weigh heavily on my chest, rendering me unable to take a full breath.

We were really close when I was younger, before a gaping chasm tore apart our fragile relationship. After my parents’ marriage fell apart, our former bond dissolved, due in no small part to my own unintentional interference. The happy days of them dancing in the kitchen, or laughing together on movie nights were few and far between for years — my discovery only helped to expedite the process.

I have vivid memories of waking up to shouting voices carrying down the hallway to my bedroom. I never could go back to sleep once the vitriol reached my ears. My older brother was fortunate in that his bedroom was on another level — he never bore witness to the hostility and resentment that my parents tried to hide behind closed doors. I don't think Luca ever forgave me for my role in their divorce, or my subsequent decision to move in with my dad and his girlfriend. If I’m being honest, I never really forgave myself either .

Deep down, I know all of those things, yet I’m still desperately clinging to a childhood that no longer exists and a relationship with my father that has long since wilted.

When we arrive at dad’s house outside of Ottawa, I head straight upstairs to my designated guest room to decompress. The last thing I need is a run-in with Susan to add to this day’s events. I pull out my phone hoping to find a text from Cade letting me know that he’s landed, but instead I’m greeted by a voicemail from my mom. A shiver rushes up my spine, a heavy sense of dread taking over my body. I reluctantly press play.

“Paige, I cannot believe you would make such a reckless decision. Getting engaged to someone you’ve only been seeing long distance? Dropping out of college after everything we’ve done for you to set up your future? What are you thinking? You’ve always been impulsive, but this takes the cake. You had better rethink your reckless decisions, lest you forget who is funding your current lifestyle.”

My hand is shaking as the voicemail ends. Tears well in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by a mix of anger, hurt, and frustration, but not shock. I knew my mother had always been critical, so none of what she said was the least bit surprising, but that didn't make it any less painful. My mother has always had an uncanny ability to provoke me and find my last nerve. Determined not to let her harsh words and veiled threats affect me, I do the only thing I can think of next.

In lieu of calling my mother back, and with a more than a little spite running through my veins after her veiled threats, I open social media and prepare to announce our engagement for the world to see. I tap out the perfect caption and attach the photos from the birthday proposal, along with a photo of the ring. I stare at my fiancé for a moment before tapping submit, then fall back onto the bed and drape my arm over my eyes. It’s done. Moments lat er, my phone chimes with a notification.

Here we go.

Social media can be a dark and cruel place, so I compose myself before opening the app to check the comments on my most recent post.

“I miss you, Sunshine. Here’s to forever, and then some.”

This man. What I wouldn’t give to be back in his arms right now. He always knows exactly what to say at the exact right moment. A minute passes and my phone chimes again.

Cade: Landed in Nashville. I miss you already. Feels like I left my heart with you at the airport. I hope you’re doing okay. xoxo

There he goes, stealing more pieces of my heart without asking. I let him know that it’s been a long day and I’ll call him later to talk about everything that happened after we went our separate ways. I want to tell him everything, but I need time to process. It’s hard to reconcile the parents who once loved each other and loved their children fiercely, with the ones who would later make me the family mediator, leaving me to raise myself in the aftermath of their collapse.

I know we have a lot to talk through. We decided I would move to Oak Ridge, but beyond a vague agreement, we haven’t made any moves to get the ball rolling. I suspect I’ll be making the move with little to no support from my immediate family, and despite the fact that nothing has ever felt more right, I will have to reconcile my overwhelming contentment with the sadness and guilt of walking away from the people who shaped me, no matter how broken I became.

Lost in my thoughts, I almost miss the sudden flood of notifications that are rapidly popping up on my phone. Messages of congratulations and well-wishes filling my fee d, and for a moment, I feel a flicker of relief. I take another deep breath, grounding myself, before responding to the messages and comments, drawing strength and positivity from their steadfast support.

Bristol: Paige! Congrats on the hard launch. You look so happy. ?

Jaz: Yay! Finally!

Nana: Happy for you, Poodle. xoxo

Mags: Can we talk about that ring?! Congrats, bestie! ??

Among the comments and messages from my friends and family, I spot another vaguely familiar name.

Jemma: Congratulations! Ya’ll are so cute!

A knock sounds at the guest room door an hour later, and as much as I want to pretend to be asleep and avoid the inevitable fallout, I answer the door to find my dad standing on the threshold.

“Pip. Can we talk?”

“I’m not sure what else you want me to say.”

“I should apologize for how I handled the news.”

That’s an understatement. I’m not so blinded that I can’t see it from his perspective. In fact, I’m certain it must have been a shock, but the utter sorrow on my face when I got into the truck should have been the first clue that I needed him to lead with compassion, not contempt.

I’m not sure how to respond so I don’t, hoping he’ll fill the silence again.

“I can’t say I’m thrilled –”

“Ok, good talk, Dad. I think you should go. I’ll take the train back to Toronto in the morning. ”

“Please, let me finish.”

I gesture for him to continue, only partially listening to his half-hearted attempt to make amends. My dad is generally a very passive person when it comes to me and my brother. Sure, we have conflicts, but Dad is always the first to try to make things right, regardless of whether or not he’s in the wrong.

“I didn’t mean to invalidate your feelings. I saw the photos you posted and you do look very happy with your young man. I only want what’s best for you and I don’t know that thinking about marriage right now is the way to go.”

“I get that, Dad, but I need you to let me decide. I don’t think you’ve truly seen me for a very long time. You can’t even begin to understand what it’s like to feel like you’ve been drowning for years and once you finally come up for air, you’re pushed right back under by one of the few people who is supposed to be your lifeline.”

“I… I’m sorry, Paige. I guess you’re right. I don’t understand.” There’s an awkward silence. “I’ll leave it at that. There are leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry. If you still want to leave in the morning, I’ll drop you off at the train station.”

As much as I want to believe that he’ll come around, all of my past experiences tell me I’ll have many more hills to climb in order to garner his support, if it ever comes.

It didn’t take much internal debate for me to decide I should head back to Toronto to stay with Mags until I can figure out my next move. Breakfast with Dad and Sue is an awkward affair. Nobody really says much before we make the short drive over to the station.

“Call me when you get in, Pipsqueak.”

“Will do, Dad. Thanks for the ride.”

The train ride back to Toronto is roughly four hours, giving me plenty of time to think about my next move. I would eventually need to look into getting a job because the impending conversation with my mom would inevitably lead to them withdrawing financial support. The question was whether I would be looking in Northbrook or elsewhere. I truly felt like a wanderer just searching for a place to land. I had already texted Mags to make sure she was ok with me staying in my old room for as long as I needed. She, of course, understood and held off on finding a new roommate until I could figure out where to go from here.

“Honey, I’m hoooome!” At least I was back in a familiar place and I could always lean on Mags for support.

“Hey babe, you okay?” I hadn’t filled her in on all of my parental drama yet, but Mags could always read me like a book, and the fact that I was back in town this soon after leaving probably told her everything she needed to know.

“Oof. Can we start with an easier question?”

“That bad?”

“Yep.”

“Wine?”

“God, yes.”

Mags pops open a bottle of red as we settle in the living room so I can fill her in on all the gory details. She stayed mostly silent while I recounted the entire confrontation with my dad from the airport, to the 2nd conversation the night before.

“Well, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you need. Maybe look into a job here while you and Cade work out your next steps.”

“T hanks, Mags. You’re the best.”

The rest of the night was like putting on a comfy pair of socks, warm and familiar. We watched AbFab and drank wine. Occasionally talking about possibilities for jobs and a timeline of when I could potentially be with Cade again.

Late into the evening, my phone lights up with a text from the man himself. The excitement of seeing his name fades as soon as I read the message.

Cade: Hey baby, I don’t know if you’ve seen anything on the news yet, but our town was hit with a massive ice storm and the power is out everywhere. My phone isn’t going to last, so I wanted to tell you I miss you and I’ll be in touch as soon as I can. xoxo

Fuck.

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