Chapter Twenty-Six
Will
I stared at Lane, trying to make my mouth move while the sound of blood rushed through my ears. “I… I’m not… I’m not in love with him.”
Lane raised an eyebrow and gave me a knowing look. “Yeah, and pigs can fucking fly. You love him, Will, and that’s not a bad thing.”
“I’m not saying it would be,” I said, not sure why I was arguing. I didn’t know why the idea of being in love with Jamie terrified me, only that it did. “I’m just not.”
“Will,” Lane said softly as he reached out over the table to grab my hand that was resting on it, still cradling my cup of tea. “Look at me. It’s okay to fall in love with him, and it’s okay to be fucking terrified about it.”
I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t find any words. I just let him squeeze my hand and stared at the table wondering why I felt so scared when all I’d ever wanted was to find someone to love. Maybe it was because I didn’t believe this could be real.
“For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always put everyone and everything else first,” Lane continued.
“Even when we’ve tried to talk you out of it.
And maybe, at times, we haven’t been the best at dissuading you, but I don’t think you’d have listened to us anyway.
You’ve always been the one shouldering everything, and I’m pretty sure you’ve never opened yourself up to the idea of sharing the burden with anyone because you don’t think anyone will want it. ”
“They don’t, though,” I said. “When I’ve tried in the past… it’s always been too much. There’s too much work. It takes up too much time and too much of my money. Nobody’s ever really understood what it means to be a shepherd.”
“No, they haven’t. But I think Jamie might, or at least I think he might be willing to learn. I mean, look at what he’s done since he arrived. I barely even know the man, but even I know you don’t throw yourself into dating a farmer just before lambing season if you’re not willing to get involved.”
Lane had a point, but it still felt like there was a wall between my head and my heart.
“I’m just… I keep thinking, what if he gets bored? What if he realises how rough this life can be and discovers he’s made a mistake being with me? Jamie has a whole life back in London. I can’t ask him to give that up just for me.”
“You’re not forcing him,” Lane said. “He’s already been here since February. If he wants to be here, that’s his choice. The question is, do you want him here?”
“Yes,” I said, the answer coming before I could even think it through.
“There you go, then. It’s not rocket science, Will.
If he wants to be here and you want him here, then that should be enough.
And if you’re worried he doesn’t know what he’s getting into, then I think you’re doing him a disservice because the man I saw today isn’t the pretty tourist you took home that first night.
I don’t think he’s even the same man you first brought to the pub.
I think there’s more fire and determination in him than you’ve given him credit for, and I think there’s a farming heart in there too. You want to know why?”
“Why?”
“Because this is the first year you haven’t called me when you lost a ewe.”
I stared at him, trying to process what he’d just said.
Lane smiled softly, then added, “Every year since we’ve been friends, the first time something went wrong, you called me afterwards.
And this year, you didn’t. I thought at first it was because nothing had gone wrong, then you sent those photos in the chat of the lambs in the barn, and I realised things had, but this time, you didn’t need me.
Because you had someone else to lean on. ”
“Shit,” I said, suddenly worried I’d massively fucked up. “I’m so sorry.”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” Lane said, giving me a fond but exasperated expression.
Apparently, I’d missed his point by a mile.
“You’ve found someone else you can share those experiences with, and that’s a good thing.
I know you, Will. You take everything on by yourself, and you’re not good at being open when you’re struggling, so the fact that you felt comfortable showing Jamie that part of you is a sign that he’s special.
He means something to you, even if you don’t want to admit it. ”
“It’s not that I don’t want to admit it. It’s just that if I do, it makes it real, and then it’ll be so much worse when it falls apart.”
Lane frowned and flicked my fingers. “No. We’re not having that.”
“Not having what?”
“None of this fucking pessimistic bollocks. Yeah, it could all go wrong, the same as every relationship. Or it could all go right, and you’ll never know that if you fucking clam up and push him away.
You have a good thing here. Don’t you dare throw it away before it’s even gotten off the ground because you’re so convinced it’s going to go wrong you won’t even try.
I love you, Will, but this is just bollocks. ”
“What happened to being supportive?” I asked, trying not to smile because I knew Lane was right.
“I’ve been supportive, and now I’m calling you out on your bullshit before you shoot yourself in the foot with your nonsense.” He grinned at me. “You know you’d say the same to me.”
“I’m pretty sure I did when you started hooking up with Oliver last year.”
“Exactly. This is just me returning the favour.”
“I suppose I should be grateful, then.”
“Yes. And you should be grateful I’m the one sitting here instead of Spencer. Or Theo.”
“I could just distract Theo with the lambs,” I said. “Probably could do the same with Spencer too.”
Lane laughed. “True. I know you too well to get distracted by you throwing cute shit at me.”
I nodded. “It’s good, though. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I think I needed to hear it.
” Lane’s brutal pep talk hadn’t eased all my fears, but hearing his perspective had helped.
It had reminded me of the little things I’d just brushed off because they’d seemed so incidental at the time but were so much bigger than I’d realised.
Jamie and I had never really talked about what our future would look like, and that had been a mistake, but we’d still managed to muddle through and build something together.
It felt like our lives had become so intertwined over the past two months that it would take forever to untangle the threads if we broke up, but I didn’t want that.
I wanted to keep building a life with him, no matter how messy and muddled and busy it was.
“I think you’re right,” I said quietly, a small smile twisting the corner of my lips.
“About what?” Lane asked with a shit-eating grin that told me he knew exactly what I was talking about. He just wanted to hear me say it.
“I think I love Jamie.”
“Ha! I knew it!” Lane did a ridiculous fist pump, and I chuckled.
“Yeah, yeah, you win,” I said. “Fuck, when did this happen?”
“I don’t know. It’s love. You don’t exactly plan for it. It’s not something you stick in your calendar or order on ,” Lane said. “It just happens. Whether you want it to or not.”
“I suppose I’ll have to talk to him now.”
“Yes, but you knew that anyway,” Lane said. “I’m happy for you, though. Jamie’s good for you.”
“He is. I don’t know how to describe it, but when he’s here, I just feel…
balanced. Like everything isn’t so heavy.
He makes everything a little brighter just by being here.
” I smiled to myself and looked down at the table.
It felt like my heart was glowing in my chest as I thought about Jamie and everything he meant to me.
“He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. And that’s all that matters.”
“I—”
But whatever Lane was going to say was cut off as the back door swung open and Oliver and Jamie clattered inside.
The pair of them were chatting happily, and Lane’s expression softened as he looked at his boyfriend.
I’d never seen him look as happy as he did when he looked at Oliver, and I wondered if I looked at Jamie the same way.
“Did you have fun?” Lane asked.
“I did! They’re all so cute, but they’re so cheeky too. They kind of remind me of puppies, just bigger,” Oliver said, unzipping his coat and toeing off his boots. “Don’t worry, I didn’t put one in the car. I don’t think I could cope with all the energy.”
“How’re the triplets?” I asked Jamie, who was stripping off his overalls by the back door.
“Honestly? They’re hooligans. I’m surprised they haven’t all ganged up on me and forced me to hand over more food.”
I chuckled. “I think we can look at putting them out next week. They’re big enough to play with the others, and Higgs said it’s meant to warm up on Monday.”
“That would work. I think it would be good for them to have others to play with. And we can just stick the bottles on the bike and take them out twice a day. It shouldn’t be too hard,” Jamie said.
“Also, I just saw Higgs. He said that everyone looks peaceful, but he wouldn’t be surprised if that last ewe in the far fields went into labour later.
Apparently, she looked more uncomfortable than normal but wasn’t showing any visible signs of distress.
He’s just going back to his to grab some tea and then he’ll go back out there. ”
I nodded. “Okay. We can go and do an early set of rounds in a minute, see if we can see anything.”
The ewe in question was the only one we were waiting for, and all of us were holding our breaths.
When we’d had the vet out a few days ago, he’d said he couldn’t feel anything wrong, and the lamb was still happy and healthy but just taking its time.
The ewe had had three previous successful pregnancies, but the longer this went on, the more anxious I was becoming.
But the fact that Higgs thought something was starting to happen was a good sign.
“That sounds like our cue,” Lane said, standing up from the table. “We’ll leave you to it. Let us know how everything goes.”
“I’ll send you a message later,” I said. I stood up and walked around the table to give Lane a hug, and he gave me a fierce one in return.
“Don’t let him go,” Lane whispered. “If you love him, tell him. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he already knows. You’ll never forgive yourself otherwise.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.” Lane clapped me on the shoulder and released me, walking over to Oliver and stealing a quick kiss before he put his coat on.
Lane knew more than most what it was like to watch the love of your life walk away, and I knew he wouldn’t have laid it on so thick unless he thought I needed to hear it.
Jamie slipped past Lane and Oliver and appeared by my side. I put my arm around his waist without thinking, pressing a kiss to his temple. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, just a bit nervous. I really want everything to be okay.”
I nodded, pleased that Jamie and I seemed to be on the same page. “Do you want to go out and keep an eye on her? We can take some food out with us. There’s a barn in the field too if we need to camp out for a bit.”
“That sounds perfect. We can take a couple of flasks of soup out and some of the bread Lane and Oliver brought. That should do us for a while,” he said, and I saw him thinking everything through.
My heart swelled, and I wondered how I could have ever doubted Lane. It seemed so obvious to me now.
Jamie was the love and light of my life.