Chapter 4
Karsyn
Logan extendedhis hand and assisted me down from the exam table. “Did you have a panic attack on purpose, Feisty?”
“You can call me Karsyn.” I sighed as I thought about the question, pondering how to respond.
“I’m waiting, Karsyn.”
The way he said my name had me drooling. It was just my name! How could it sound so sexy when it came out of his mouth?
“It’s not possible to fake an attack, Sir.” Shit! That wasn’t a title I’d given anyone since my ex-boyfriend in what felt like a lifetime. Wishing the floor would open and swallow me whole, I looked down at my feet.
“You can call me Wicked or Logan,” he whispered. “Why do you feel like you’ve wasted our time?”
I shrugged. “I need a cigarette and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“I’ll bring you to the employee lounge. Do you feel comfortable with me alone or would you like Kendall to accompany us?”
“I feel comfortable being alone with you.” Though the moment I said it out loud, butterflies swarmed my belly. It was nerves this time and not anxiety. Being alone with Logan was a dream come true.
“All right.” He nodded to Kendall and August who waved and said their goodbyes.
I gathered my things and Logan led me out of the medical room. We traversed the hallways while I remembered what my friend had said on our way to the club. Eloise had explained in great length and detail that the club had security measures in place. Kendall mentioned If I felt unsafe or compromised in any way, I could yell the universal safeword—Butterball—or ‘Red’. There were cameras strategically placed through the playrooms and main spaces equipped with microphones and intercom systems. Both of them had gone on in detail about how important it was to ensure everyone’s safety. I should have stayed near them instead of wandering off by myself. Or maybe not, because now I got to be alone with Logan.
“Do you own this club, Wicked?”
“Yes, I’m one of three owners. There’s a back porch where you can smoke.” He opened the door to the employee lounge and led me through the small room to another door that led outside to a covered patio area, with lots of cozy furniture and tables.
Sitting casually on the oversized sofa outside, I pulled my cigarettes and a lighter from my purse. “Thank you. Is your club name the reason why no one can have ‘wicked’ in their play name?”
Logan winked. “Mm. I’m wildly intrigued about what name you attempted to use. Yes, you’re correct. The only exception is someone belonging to me in a very specific dynamic.”
I raised the cigarette to my lips, and he touched the top of my hand, halting the action. Looking down, I saw that I’d lit the wrong end. Sheepishly crushing out the mistake, I lit another one. “I, uh, haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. In fact, I only came here tonight hoping to see you and then I had a stupid attack, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get enough bravery to come back…”
“Hey. Take a breath.”
Nodding, I did as instructed. Babbling to Logan about how I felt made the butterflies in my tummy worse. “It took a lot to come out here tonight.”
“May I ask you a personal question?”
“Mmmhmm.”
“Is this your first visit to a club?”
I stared into his gorgeous green eyes, considering how to reply. I could tell him the truth along with all the sordid details, or I could lie. I knew how to lie but I never executed it well. Besides, it’s not like Logan was in the role of my Dom. Technically we were strangers. I didn’t have to answer him. After a few awkward seconds of silence, I shrugged.
“You don’t have to talk about something that makes you uncomfortable but if we’re talking and I ask you a question, I’d like a verbal reply. Can you do that for me?”
“Yes, I can. Um, I don’t really want to talk about it. My….” I blew out several breaths.
No one except for Eloise and my sister, Charlotte, knew the entire story. Letting the cigarette distract me, I pulled on it a few times. Logan sat near enough that his leg leaned against mine without being overly touchy.
“I thought my ex-boyfriend was a Dom. Turns out he was just an asshole on a power trip. He manipulated me. Gaslit me. Played on my biggest insecurities and fears instead of guiding me into a better place. Used my kinks to shame me instead of engaging in them. Told me I didn’t need a daddy. He couldn’t handle any of my wants and none of my needs.” Fuck. I hadn’t meant to share the last part. Eli had assured me a million times that it was okay to talk about kinks tonight, but it left me feeling vulnerable again.
“I hate to hear you experienced such a thing. Manipulation is terrible in any relationship or dynamic, and in my opinion even worse in a dominant-and-submissive lifestyle. Did he play with you at a club?”
I crushed out the cigarette and disposed of the butt. “Yeah.”
Logan leaned back against the couch, crossing one leg casually over the other so his foot rested on his thigh. “If you’d ever like to give the club experience another try, let me know. Do you still have my card?”
Did I still have his card? This man had no idea how many times I’d traced my hand over it while gathering the nerve to talk to Eli and Kendall about wanting to come and mentioning Logan himself. They’d been eager to bring me, but I had been a nervous wreck.
“Yeah, I’ve got it somewhere,” I lied.
Logan studied my face for a moment. He glanced at my posture and frowned. “Honesty is important to me, Karsyn. Is it your nerves again or are you uncomfortable talking to me?”
“Uh, well, your card might just be next to a certain toy in the drawer of my nightstand. It made sense to keep them together.” I lit another cigarette to distract me from his gorgeous body.
He chuckled, his eyes twinkling with mirth. “Good to know. You can email me or contact me through the website. I’m happy to put you on the VIP list at no charge so you can enjoy your next night. The cost will be covered.”
“Thanks, but I dont know anyone. I’m not sure I can trust someone enough to negotiate a scene. Eloise knows everyone. I’m not the social-butterfly type like her.”
Logan shrugged. “I’d be happy to negotiate with you. We can sit in my office and talk about what you’d like to experience as well as your limits. Are you interested, Karsyn?”
Something between glee and terror washed over my body. I shook my head. “Sure.”
“You’re not interested, or you are?”
“Yes,” I said firmly. “You’re the only reason I even wanted to come here.”
He gave a coy smile and dropped his leg to the floor. “Yes, you’d like to negotiate a scene?”
I realized my answer hadn’t clarified anything. “Oh! Yes, I would. Not tonight but another time. In the future. Way far into the future because I don’t know if I’ll be able to… it’s not usually… I’m not usually…”
“Did the atmosphere freak you out, Karsyn?”
“No.”
“Did a specific scene bother you?”
I stood and disposed of the cigarette. “Yes. The St. Andrew’s cross bothered me. I know it’s just a piece of furniture, but the sight of it ... like a person strapped to it… it was overwhelming.”
“It is just a piece of furniture, but you don’t have to dismiss your reaction,” he validated. “Sometimes our body experiences something traumatic and we may not realize it. The St. Andrews cross may be triggering for you. For others, it can be incredibly freeing.”
“How can you feel free if you’re restrained?” I bit my lip while pulling out a new cigarette.
“Drink some water before you smoke the next one.” Logan pushed the bottle across the table.
I rolled my eyes but took a few good sips. Logan tapped a line on the bottle. I knew what he wanted, but there was a part of me that wanted to not listen, just because I could. I didn’t have to listen to his request. There was nothing he could do if I didn’t comply, but it wouldn’t help me feel any better.
We sat there for a moment staring at each other.
Finally, I drank more water. I hated how easily I caved and loved it at the same time. Something about his tone and calm demeanor made me want to please him.
Logan leaned against the back of the couch, looking chuffed. “To answer your question, it can be extremely freeing to be restrained. Ropes, silk ties, handcuffs… hands.”
“Restraints freak me out if I’m being honest. I don’t think I’d enjoy them.”
“You might. With the right person,” he added. “You can explain your concerns and establish a safe word.”
I lifted the cigarette to my lips and Logan tapped the side of the bottle again.
“I don’t have to drink any water if I don’t want to.”
“You’re right, but then we’ll just have to sit here until those two bottles are empty.”
Something must have flickered across my face because Logan immediately groaned.
“Hang on, I see where my wording could be misinterpreted, darling. To clarify, I’m willing to sit here all night if that’s how long it takes you to drink the water.”
Interesting. Logan seemed to understand what I had been poised to do, open each bottle and pour them out right there, the bottles would be emptied. “Loopholes are my favorite.”
“I’m beginning to see that.” Logan rubbed his chin. “Scenes and negotiations aside, I’d like to get to know you better, Karsyn.”
“In a friendly way?” My heart raced as I waited for him to reply, unsure what I wanted the answer to be. I didn’t know much about him but could not deny the attraction there.
“It depends on what you’re looking for.”
“Well, you and August seem to have some sort of connection. I wouldn’t want to wedge myself in the middle.” I had a mental image of me literally being sandwiched in between the two of them while they claimed me in every way possible.
“Maybe we want you there,” Logan offered offhandedly. “I can’t speak for August, but I’ve wanted to be in a three-person relationship for a very long time. What are your thoughts on it?”
I lit the cigarette and took a long drag. “It’s not even my birthday and I feel like this would be an incredible gift. But I have a lot of baggage. I haven’t been in a healthy dynamic ever. And I didn’t even talk about my want for a daddy. Not that I need a daddy, not that I don’t.” Shit. Stop talking.
“One thing at a time,” Logan said with a low chuckle. “And for the record, I’m not in a relationship with August, but he and I do have some sort of connection. I plan on finding out what it is.”
“I’ve seen him at the hospital when he’s on duty. I never struck up the nerve to talk to him other than a polite greeting, but it certainly felt like a spark tonight. At least after I felt better. That aside, what if he doesn’t feel the same way about you? Or me?”
“I can be rather convincing when I want something, or in this case someone.”
“Do you, um, want me, Logan? I mean… do you want to get to know me?” Time seemed to stand still as he leaned forward until his lips brushed the shell of my ear.
“Drink the rest of the first bottle and I’ll answer you.” He held it in his hand and smirked.
“Oh, that’s not fair.” I had a feeling I knew his answer, but it wasn’t a guaranteed yes. I stared at the bottle for a few seconds before accepting it. I made a show of carefully opening the lid and tipping the bottle into my mouth, drinking every drop without stopping or breaking eye contact.
“Damn, girl,” Logan said, chuckling. “Yes, I want you but it’s more than just seeking a physical connection. I want to know what makes you tick in the best way possible. I want to explore every inch of your skin with my hands and then again with my tongue. I want you to feel absolutely adored. Cherished. Fucking worshipped in and out of the bedroom. What do you say?”
“I need more water,” I managed while I put out my cigarette that had become one long ash. I disposed of it properly and returned to the couch, eagerly drinking from the new bottle. Logan eyed me suspiciously and I hoped he didn’t think I was stalling. I just never had someone be so straightforward with their intentions and desires. Finally, he crossed one leg over the other so his foot rested on his thigh. It seemed to be his casual go-to gesture. I wanted to push his leg down and climb into his lap. Staring at him for far longer than was polite, I nodded.
“What’s that, Karsyn?”
“I would like to explore everything you just said, Logan. This connection feels bigger than just a passing thing. As long as you’re sure I’m not impeding a relationship with August. I mean if that’s where youre heading with him.”
Logan grinned. “He doesn’t know it yet. But I’m determined.”
“Determined?”
“Yes, and I assure you, nothing you can do or say is going to impede anything. Even if we don’t get into a relationship, I want to get to know you better.” Logan leaned forward, his gaze boring into mine. “So, what do you say?”
“Sure, Logan.” I said nothing else though I very much wanted to tell him every detail of my life. The ups, the downs and all the in-betweens. It was true I had baggage and somehow, I believed Logan might be the one who could carry it or pack it away with ease.
“If you aren’t sure–”
“I’m so fucking sure. I don’t seem enthusiastic because I sort of want to throw myself at you, and that isn’t really a great way to meet.”
“Don’t interrupt me, darling. I don’t like it. Now, as far as what you said, I’m glad you are more enthusiastic than you appear. What’s your schedule like this week?”
My heart hammered in my chest but in a good way, not like it had earlier in the evening. I pulled my phone out of my purse, occasionally sipping the second bottle of water as I scrolled through my calendar. “Hmm. I have a pretty crazy schedule. I’m a pharmaceutical representative and spend a lot of time at the hospital and different doctors’ offices. I don’t really see much room for socializing.”
“May I?”
“Yeah, of course.” I handed him my phone and he glanced through the planner on it.
“Wednesday afternoon. I’m only working in the morning, and you should be done at Harmony Grove by noon. We can meet at Mama Latte’s at twelve-thirty. How’s that sound?”
“How’d you do that?”
“It’s simple for me, darling. Can we call it a date?”
“Yes, I’d really like to. It’s one of my favorite spots but I haven’t been in a while. I’ve been kind of crazy with work and commitments. Just recently I’ve been scheduling free time.”
Logan nodded, pushed a few buttons to add it to my calendar and handed the phone back before glancing down at his own. “Sounds great. Kendall finally tracked down Eloise and let me know. They’re at the front desk waiting for you. I’ll walk you out.”
I stood up, thankful for the care and consideration he provided as well as the new connection. I wondered about how August might fit into the picture, but then I let it go. Logan had a handle on it. He patted my thigh once before he stood up and held out his hand. I took it and he helped me to my feet, then led me to the door of the lounge.
“Can I tell you something else, Logan?” I was feeling brave. Or stupid. The jury was still out.
“You can tell me anything.”
“I really wanted you to take the paddle off the wall… in your shop…. and uh… bend me over the counter.”
“I know.”
I flushed and looked away. “How the heck did you know that?”
“You couldn’t keep your eyes off it. Don’t worry, I have one very similar to it at my house. If you’re really good, we can play with it.”
I snapped my head around and licked my lips. Raising up on my tiptoes, feeling bolder than usual, I leaned close to him. “What if I’m naughty?”
Logan shifted slightly, pinching my chin in between his thumb and pointer finger.
“Then you’ll have to wait. Being naughty will get you punished but not necessarily with a paddle. I’d like to figure out what sort of things push your buttons in a good way, and what… doesn’t.”
His breath ghosted across my jaw as he spoke, and I shivered. “So, if a paddle really turns me on, and I’m naughty, you won’t punish me with it?”
“It depends on what you were doing and what type of behavior you’re exhibiting. I don’t always use physical discipline. Now, don’t misunderstand me. If you’re into spanking for pleasure, we can absolutely explore it. I will indulge you there. However, I’m talking about discipline and punishment in general.”
I stared at him for a few seconds, trying to understand. “Can you clarify?”
“I can, but your friends are waiting for you. Let’s not keep them.”
“But I have so many questions.”
“I am happy to answer as many questions as you can think of, darling, but it’s getting late. Give me your phone again so I can add my number.”
I unlocked my phone and handed it to Logan once more. He quickly added his number and sent himself a text so he would have mine. That was a clever, bold move. I liked it. “Logan...”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“I’m really attracted to you.” I held my hand out for my phone, and he set it in my hand.
“What reaction are you hoping for right now?”
I swallowed hard. What did I want? I hadn’t confessed my feelings, not exactly, but I had referred to his physical appearance because nothing bad ever came from a little ego-stroking. I licked my lips as he stared at me, waiting for an answer. “I don’t know.”
Logan opened the door to the lounge. “If you do need anything, let me know.”
“A kiss,” I whispered.
Why was it so hard to voice my wants? Needs were even harder to speak about, but wants seemed impossible enough. Fear of rejection could be my life motto. It seemed like fear of success loomed in a worse way. Rejection I could get over, but success meant I had to continue doing it. If Logan became my boyfriend what would the next step be? Becoming a throuple with August? I barely knew if I could handle one Dominant, let alone two.
He leaned against the doorjamb, one of my hands still clutched in his, and pulled me into the space with him. Logan traced my lips with the fingers on his free hand, lightly teasing. It should be a sin to turn me on so much from one simple touch. I blinked several times, hoping he would hurry up. Leaning closer, he licked my neck once before kissing my lips in a sensual, teasing manner. He didn’t kiss me for long and when he pulled back, a tiny sound of displeasure fell out of my mouth.
“Patience,” he said, chuckling. “We have plenty of time to get to know each other. Come on.”
I nodded, following him out of the lounge into the hallway. One kiss had my mind reeling with possibilities and I couldn’t wait to explore them with Logan.
Now, if only I could strike up the nerve to talk to August…