Chapter 7
Your Grace,
I hope that this note will not be intercepted. You may think it bizarre of me to fear such a thing, unless you have seen what is happening outside my house. There are dozens of people still, each one wondering just how I managed to become engaged to you.
You should be pleased about that, I suppose.
It means that you have squashed the scandal, so I should congratulate you on that.
Your position, soon to be ours, remains secure.
I also wish to thank you, for I have not yet done so.
Despite what you think you have done, you are helping me more than you could possibly know.
I am not a lady of many words—spoken ones, at least—but I can write well. But I want you to know that I am happy that I will become your wife by the end of the week. It is not the sort of marriage I would have wanted, but it is more than I expected for myself.
I wish to ask you a favor, but it is better that I tell you when we see one another. I need you to tell me to say it, for when the time comes, I may not be able to. I hope that is not too great a burden.
Sincerely,
Lady Adelaide Wynn.
Cassian chuckled at the note, before folding it in half and putting it in a drawer. He wondered just what she would ask of him, for if it were too much, he did not doubt that she would not ask him at all.
He wished that she were not so timid. But then, given her circumstances, he could hardly blame her.
What struck him, though, was just how much she had to say once she was able to write it. He had known people like that, but very few, and he found it rather endearing.
His face fell. He was not supposed to find her endearing.
It was the night before his wedding, and he was already dreading it. He did not want to be stared at, nor hear the whispers about him and his new wife, all the judgment about things that people knew nothing about. It would be maddening, and he could not stomach it.
And that was why he decided to go to his club.
White’s was a second home to him when he was in London, for it was the club he found the best gentlemen attended.
There were fewer liars and cheaters, and the vast majority of them paid their debts, which meant that he was able to talk to them for more than ten minutes.
“Ashford!” another duke greeted when he entered. “I see you are preparing for your wedding.”
The Duke of Urkinshire was one of the gentlemen whom Cassian could speak to the longest. As a fellow duke, he was less likely to want something from him, which already meant that he was far better than most. He was also older, and someone that Cassian admired more than he did most men.
“Urkinshire,” he returned, signaling to a waiter that he wanted a drink as he sat. “Yes, I thought it might be wise. Are you here celebrating your own marriage?”
“Saturdays are mine,” Urkinshire explained. “My wife and I each like to take a day for ourselves—something your betrothed knows.”
“Is that so?”
“Indeed. She stayed with us on Wednesday, though I saw very little of her. She seemed to think that I would loathe her.”
“She expects that of everyone, it would seem. I can hardly blame her, given what is said about her.”
“And unjustly at that,” Urkinshire said firmly. “Those duchesses have their group, but so do we dukes, and we talk just as much as they do. If you ask me, Hargrave ought to tread very carefully.”
“You all seem to like Lady Adelaide a good deal.”
“Of course. Cecilia—the Duchess of Pridefield, that is—thinks very highly of her, and I have yet to meet a judge of character as good as her. If she says that we were misled, then I will take that as the truth.”
Cassian agreed wholeheartedly, and it only made him feel worse about what he had done.
He would not be a good husband. He could not be, and though he could not change that, it did not make it any easier to inflict that fate upon Lady Adelaide.
She had one final night where she could picture herself falling for someone, and the following day, that dream would be squashed, all because of him.
“You do not seem excited about getting married,” Urkinshire noted. “Believe me, I know that we men are supposed to view marriage as the end of our lives, but it is not like that. Marrying my Beatrice was the greatest thing I have ever done—aside from having our children, of course.”
“And I am happy for you. I can only wish that I wanted all of this for myself. I never planned to do this, and the fact that I must do it to her makes it even worse.”
“Then why did you propose? If you did not want to get married, you could have let her be. We are not pressured like the fairer sex.”
“What else could I have done? I had caused a scandal by helping her, and that meant I had to fix it, which meant I had to propose. There was no other way.”
“And why did you offer her protection, to begin with?”
“Because I am a gentleman. Any good man would have done the same.”
Cassian ordered another drink, for he had downed his first without thinking.
“And yet,” Urkinshire grinned, “you walk among dozens of good men every day. It is our duty to protect ladies and to ensure that everything that happens around us is both fair and just, yet none of them were watching her closely enough to see her slip away. You were the only one who had been paying attention to her. Why is that?”
The second drink arrived and was swallowed without being tasted. A third drink was requested.
“Slow down, Ashford,” Urkinshire warned. “Arriving at your wedding looking hungover will raise questions. You do not want all of this to be for nothing, believe me.”
By the time Cassian stumbled out of White’s, he no longer knew how much he had drunk. He did not know what time it was either, but as the cool air hit him, he could have sworn he had never been so sober. His feet moved of their own accord, and before he knew it, he was standing outside Wynn House.
The windows were all dark, which meant that they were all sleeping, but he did not want to see that. He wanted to see his fiancée, despite everything, and talk to her just as she had requested.
“Damn,” he hissed, making his way around to the back.
For a family not as affluent as others, they certainly had a beautiful home. Cassian could see that even in his stupor.
He trampled across their pruned garden and tripped into a swing, closing his eyes for a moment to steady himself.
As he swung, he wished that he had listened to his friend’s advice, for he would either have to struggle to find Lady Adelaide or he would have to struggle to find his way out.
“Are you all right, Your Grace?”
He froze, his eyes flying open as he realized that the decision had been made for him.
Pushing himself to his feet, he noticed that Lady Adelaide had been sitting in the swing beside him all along. He was pleased that he had landed next to her, for had he fallen into her lap, he would have had to flee the country entirely.
“Yes, quite,” he replied as steadily as he could, sitting back down. “I have been celebrating.”
“As have I,” she giggled. “My mama and I have spent the evening painting.”
Aware of what awaited him the following morning, he wished that he had done that instead. A hangover would make the wedding even more difficult, and he dreaded it.
“You wanted to speak with me,” he said.
“I do, but not when you are in this condition. You will forget what I said.”
“I will not.”
“Very well, then. What did I do this evening?”
“You were practicing embroidery,” he declared confidently, confused as to why she was laughing at him.
“I did not expect you to have a sense of humor,” she noted, staring at the moon. “I did not expect to see you tonight either. I ought to fetch a chaperone. If we are found here alone—”
“We will be married tomorrow. If anyone uses this time to cause a scandal, then they are not worth listening to.”
She settled, and he liked that. He did not intend to tell her how to behave, but he liked that she listened to him when he made a suggestion.
They swung together gently, and Cassian followed her gaze. The moon was full that night, and large, and he could not look away from it.
“Will this be a happy marriage, at least?” she asked.
“I thought you did not want me to forget this conversation?”
“You may answer this question. I would rather you did not remember it, for I do not want to have to ask you again.”
“It can be a happy marriage if you are happy without affection. You may have anything you please in terms of material possessions. So, if that is all you need, you shall be a very happy lady, indeed.”
“And what of you? Will you be a happy man?”
“I can be happy in any position. I will never expect anything of you, and that means I cannot be disappointed, so how could I not be happy?”
“But surely you want more? You are a duke. You could have had anyone you wanted.”
“Then consider yourself lucky,” he grumbled, the sky beginning to spin. “I have chosen you out of every lady in London, so that must be something.”
He turned to look at her… and found himself sobering up. She was a beautiful lady, and though he had never intended to look at the same woman for the rest of his life, he had to admit that she was making him change his mind.
And yet she did not seem very pleased.
“I know you do not want this,” he sighed.
“Nor do you,” she laughed sadly. “We are both rather unlucky in that respect.”
“You are supposed to say the contrary.”
“Am I? I would have thought that you would prefer honesty, which is what I will always give you. I do not think that a lie is the best way to begin a marriage, after all.”
“So you truly do not want me to be your husband?”
She was silent for a moment, a smile playing on her lips. In his stupor, he remembered her letter, how she said that she had always found it easier to express herself in writing, and he wondered why she felt that way. In that moment, she was speaking to him perfectly fine.
“There are worse men,” she began. “If I have to be tied to a stranger who does not want to get to know me, then it might as well be you. I would rather that than the only other gentleman who set his cap to me.”
It was hardly a compliment.
Cassian wondered if she hated him for what was to come. He knew that she resented him in part. She could have been so much more than his wife, but because he had been unable to control his temper, her life was now ruined.
“I accept that,” he replied, hauling himself to his feet. “I should go back home. I will see you in the morning.”
“Very well. Good night, Your Grace.”
He staggered home, barely making it to his bed before collapsing.
He did not know how he had found his way there, but he knew that he wanted to sleep for days.
He was exhausted from all the effort he had exerted that week, and he wished that he could sleep through the ceremony and wake up with a ring and a wife. It would mean suffering less.
And yet he was awoken a few hours later by his valet, who had opened the curtains to let in the sunlight.
The pounding in his head grew worse, and his stomach churned.
He did not know what was causing it. It was either the night before or the day ahead, but something was making him feel unwell, and there was no ridding himself of it.
“Here you go,” Mrs. Halstrom announced, thrusting a plate in front of him when he sat at the breakfast table. “You might wish to eat it quickly.”
He groaned at the sight of it, much to his housekeeper’s surprise. Burned fish and toast were not the typical wedding breakfast, but the charcoal would soak up the alcohol and hopefully sober him up. He had to eat what he was offered anyway.
He chewed on it all with a disgusted look on his face.
“I do hope that you find a better expression before you reach the altar,” Mrs. Halstrom noted. “Or else you will scare the lady away.”
“That might be for the best.”
“Your Grace, if I may. Why are you so determined to go through with the wedding if you do not want to? I know that you are trying to avoid a scandal, but it rarely falls on the gentleman. You did not need to do all of this.”
“Yes. Now that I think of it, a courtship might have been sufficient, but it is too late for that now. Lady Adelaide has been in this position before, and she would not survive it a second time, so this is what must be done.”
He finished his meal and rose to leave. On his way out, he paused in the doorway. “Mrs. Halstrom?”
“Yes, Your Grace?”
“I would prefer that you do not think of my betrothed that way ever again.”