Chapter 20
Adelaide wanted to be pleased about what Cassian had done.
She wanted to take it as a sign that he cared about her more than he had led her to believe, and that she meant something to him, but she could not think that way.
“What do you mean?” he replied. “I was trying to help.”
“Yes, well, you did not. You do not know Mr. Hargrave the way that I do. He—he is not the sort of man to back away simply because there has been a challenge.”
“Adelaide, I know that you have a history with him, but—”
“And that is why you should listen to me,” she snapped. “But no. You believe that you know best, so how I feel does not matter. Is that it?”
“This is the strangest display of gratitude I have ever seen.”
She understood why he felt that way. Given his position in society, she knew that he was never questioned and could do as he pleased without anyone taking issue with it. But Hargrave was different. If he had an issue, he would not rest until it was dealt with.
“I would be grateful, had I required your assistance. I was handling matters perfectly well on my own.”
“Were you?” he asked, softening. “Because from what I could see, you were terrified.”
“I was, but that does not mean I was incapable of speaking to him. I am capable of doing things when I am afraid.”
And that was the truth.
Hargrave had appeared out of nowhere, catching her off guard. He greeted her as though nothing had happened, and Adelaide knew it was an attempt to disarm her. She did not doubt that he had ulterior motives, but she knew how to navigate them. She had done so for months.
“I am not suggesting that you are incapable,” Cassian replied.
“But that is what you are thinking.”
“Did I say that?”
“You did not need to. I can feel it.”
It was true; the way he carried himself alone was enough to tell her everything he thought of her. To him, she was a lady in need of defending, for she could not do it herself. It frustrated her greatly, and she had to admit that it was, in part, true.
He took a step toward her, towering over her in a way that made her heart race. He intimidated her, even though she knew he would never hurt her. But she knew that by taking a step back, she was proving his point.
“Let me warn you of something,” he said in a low voice, his lips grazing her ear. “I do not like being told what my words and actions mean. You will not tell me how to think, and you will not assume my intentions. Am I clear?”
She swallowed hard. “Yes,” she replied.
“Good. I did not intend to do you any harm. You are mine to defend, Adelaide, and I will not apologize for it.”
He walked away, but she called out his name. He turned around and gave her a softer look than before.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Are you not going to ask me about my conversation with him?”
“Was it improper?”
“Not from my side, no.”
“And from his side?”
“Well, that is why I wanted to tell you. I do not know if it is right, for I do not want you to be angrier with him than you already are, but you ought to hear it from me and not anyone else.”
Cassian took her hand and led her to the parlor without saying anything more. They sat on a settee, and he waited for her to continue.
Adelaide did not know how to begin, for though the conversation had been brief, it had been terrifying.
“He—he asked about our marriage first.”
“That is not so awful. What did you say?”
Adelaide relived the entire discussion. Once she had overcome the shock of seeing Hargrave there, she had played her role well.
She was a blissfully happy wife, one who adored her husband and was adjusting to her new duties perfectly.
She was, as far as Hargrave knew, perfectly content with what had happened, and there was no changing that.
“Did he believe the lie?” Cassian asked.
“Not all of it was a lie,” she protested. “At least, I hope that you do not see it that way. I think I have indeed taken to my new role well. Or rather, my new duties. As for the rest of it, yes, he seemed to believe me. That was the problem.”
Her palms grew clammy at the memory.
“You see,” she continued, “I had not meant to make him jealous, but that is the sort of man he has always been. He asked me if you made me happier than he did, and two matrons turned to look at us when he said it. I did not know what else to say, so I explained that while I was grateful for the time I had with him, what you and I share is special, and it cannot be compared to anything else.”
Cassian gave her a nod of approval.
She wished that it did not mean so much to her. She did not want to need him to like what she did, but every time he gave her the smallest hint, her heart would soar.
She began to believe that she had done something truly good.
“And I will assume that he did not like that.”
“He did not. I assure you that I said it with utmost politeness, but it made him jealous. He went on to remind me that I was his first, and that that means I always will be his in a way. Then he… he told me that if I ever change my mind, I know where to find him. Then you arrived.”
“I see,” he said quietly, his eyes holding hers.
“For a start, you will never be in the same room with him again. I will not allow it. Furthermore, you are right. You were handling matters perfectly well, and had I not been there, I am sure you would have settled it yourself. However, he will not stop if he believes I will do nothing about it.”
“But—”
“No, Adelaide. I know how men are. If he believes you do not have a husband who cares for you, he will continue to act accordingly. I have to prove to him that it’s not the case.”
“Isn’t it?” she asked.
She did not know why she asked, for she knew the truth. She knew what their arrangement was, that there was no changing it. And yet she asked.
Part of her wanted him to tell her that he did care for her, even though it was far too complicated for such feelings. And she did not want those feelings to exist, of course.
But when he turned to her, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and looked into her eyes, she wondered if that was the truth.
“Would it be so bad if I cared for you?” he murmured. “You are my wife. It is my duty to care for you. If I did not, there would be no use in us being married, to begin with.”
“You know what I mean. There is a difference between caring for someone out of obligation and caring for them because you truly feel that way.”
“Have I not been very clear about how I feel?”
He left her sitting there in silence, and she took a shaky breath.
The truth was, he had made his feelings known, and he had never once hidden them from her. He was a loveless man, and they would have a loveless marriage, and he would only ever care for her in the sense one would care for a companion.
Adelaide lived in a home with two other people, yet she had never felt more alone.
The following morning, she did not go down for breakfast. She did not want to eat anything. More than that, she did not want to see Cassian.
Their conversation the night before had unsettled her, and she did not know what to do with it. Avoiding him was best, though she did not know how long to do that for. She expected to be alone until dinner that evening, where they would not mention what had passed between them.
What she did not expect, however, was to find her mother in the drawing room, watching the door as if waiting for her.
“Mama!” she gasped. “What are you—”
But before she could say another word, her mother pulled her into a tight embrace.
Adelaide’s throat thickened as she hugged her back, her need for affection rising to the surface.
“Are you well, dearest?” her mother asked. “I heard of your triumph last night.”
“Ah, yes, it was… it was a wonderful evening, though I do not suppose I will ever grow accustomed to being scrutinized like that.”
“You will have to, eventually,” her mother replied warmly, guiding her to a seat. “Shall we take tea and discuss it all?”
Adelaide nodded and requested that tea be brought to them.
She looked at her mother and wished that she knew what to say. She wanted to tell her the truth, but she knew her mother tended to worry, and she could not bear the thought of that.
She was in a good position, and there was nothing to be gained in telling her mother that she was not completely satisfied with her new life.
“I do not mean to be rude,” she said instead, “but why are you here?”
“Did your husband not tell you? He invited me days ago. He thought it might be good for you to see a familiar face.”
Adelaide blinked. Of course, her husband had not told her a thing.
There was nothing in the world that confused her more than Cassian Blackmoor. At least she understood Edmund Hargrave. He wanted to be powerful, and he could not stand rejection. He was easy to read, and she always knew what to expect.
But her husband was different. Sometimes, she had to be soft and quiet; other times, she could see that he liked it when she spoke her mind.
If his mother was pleased with her, she could see the envy, but when she was difficult, she could see him questioning just how they would all be able to live with one another.
Nothing seemed to please him, but nothing truly enraged him either.
Then again, that only proved that he felt nothing for her, and if that were the case, then she would be more hurt than she would have been by anything else.
“He is right.” She nodded. “I have missed you, Mama.”
“As have I, dearest. Wynn House is so quiet without you. And what of yours? His Grace has warned me that his mother might make an appearance, but I suppose it is good for you to have a companion here.”
Adelaide lowered her voice, for she did not want Iris to hear her and take offense.
“I do not know what to make of her. She changes every day with me, and when it comes to Cassian, I am convinced that she is disgusted with him. Though I do not know why.”
“If you were referred to as a dragon, I do not suppose that I would be too thrilled with you either.”
She winced at the name. “Why is he called that? I will not pretend that he is a loving man, but he hardly breathes fire. There are worse men. Hargrave, for example, is dreadful, but he is somehow adored.”
“Dearest, you know how reputations are. He uses strong words, and he makes threats loudly. That is more than enough for people to form their opinions.”
Adelaide thought back to the ball, where, after telling her how vital it was that they were proper throughout the evening, Cassian flouted such expectations.
She had not asked him why that was, but she assumed it was because he assumed that rules did not apply to him, given his position.
But they did, and his actions would quickly affect her if they were not careful.
She shuddered at the thought.
Her mother wrapped an arm around her. “You will both be seen for who you are soon enough. Believe me, it is easier for the two of you to change perceptions. You are among those who shape them, after all.”
“And what if who I am is not enough? I was not meant to become a duchess. I never expected anything like this. All I wanted was to marry a kind man of decent upbringing. I did not need a title, nor extraordinary wealth, nor any of these expectations. I only wanted to be Adelaide.”
“And why can Adelaide not be a duchess? You know how those other duchesses are. They are not all the perfect image that you are told to be, yet they are respected in their own right. Your issue is that you refuse to be who you truly are, which means that you can be torn apart with ease.”
“That is not true!”
“Isn’t it?”
Adelaide fell quiet, her gaze dropping to her lap.
She wished she were confident like Cecilia, but that was not who she was.
Years ago, she had been different, self-assured.
But after the scandal following her broken engagement, she had been left terrified of trusting others.
She could not risk being torn apart again, so it was easier to go unnoticed.
Being uninteresting was the very best part about her, she thought. It meant she could be left alone, but that was not possible as long as she was a duchess.
“Am I interrupting anything?”
Adelaide looked up to see Cassian standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame casually.
“Of course not,” her mother replied brightly. “Do join us!”
Adelaide stifled a sigh, for she had so much more to say.