13 - Dominic
P enelope was still asleep when I quietly left the nursery in the morning. Carrying around a pup had to be exhausting. I made some coffee for myself, and for her, I made a cup of the new tea I’d brought her from Spruce Mountain.
Whenever I traveled, I found a new blend of tea to bring home to her. I enjoyed watching her as she tried them, feeling her joy and pleasure at the new taste combinations.
Today, however, her nose wrinkled as she approached the kitchen island.
“Siegfried doesn’t like tea.”
“Who the hell is Siegfried?” I asked, confused.
“Oh,” she shook her head as if she was dispelling some fog, “me and my friends were looking at pup names and tried choosing the most awful one. Siegfried won, so we’ve been jokingly calling the pup that.”
Another thing I’d missed and had no one to blame for but myself. I was already failing in the father department before he was even born.
“Have you chosen a name yet?” I asked tentatively.
A smile overtook her face, and I couldn’t look away.
“I think so. I’ll know for certain when I see him.”
I wasn’t going to make suggestions. I knew whatever name Penelope picked would be amazing. But my sweet peach couldn’t be cruel to save her life.
“Do you have any names you like?” she asked shyly, and I could tell she'd later berate herself internally for being nice to me after everything.
But she’d never come between a pup and his father.
“Whatever name you love, I’ll love. And I’ll love him no matter what, even if he was called Siegfried,” I said, and I meant it.
I imagined myself holding our pup in my arms, nuzzling him, and later on playing outside with him... Suddenly, fear seized my gut. Oh, Lord. What if I died and abandoned my pup like my father left me? I gripped the counter as hard as I could, and luckily, the marble didn’t crack.
“I need to give you something,” I ground out and jogged up the stairs.
I could feel a confused Penelope following me at a much slower pace. I was an asshole who was making a heavily pregnant she-wolf walk up the stairs for no damn reason. But I was still having trouble breathing, and I needed a distraction.
I rummaged around my walk-in closet until I found some of the letters and threw them on the bed. Then I took out the ones from my bedside table, and finally, the ones from my still-full suitcase on the floor. Twelve in total.
“As you know, it was our mating anniversary last week, and, well,” I cleared my throat as she observed me from the doorway, giving nothing away, “I’ve been writing you a letter a month. A sort of workaround of the original mating custom.”
I saw her mouth twist with something like disgust at being reminded of never having been given her proper due. Shit. I really dropped the ball on a lot of stuff.
“So, anyways. I mostly wrote them when I was away. It helped me,” I took a deep breath, “miss you less.”
That was hard to admit, but I had to be more open if I wanted her to trust me again. If she was surprised by my admission, she didn’t show it. She took the letters from my hand and went into the nursery. I heard a drawer open and close, and then Penelope went back downstairs. I’d kind of hoped she’d read them immediately. A lot of the things I’d written were things I couldn’t easily say. Which was why I had written them down. Hopefully, she’d read them soon.
I watched her as she ate her breakfast.
“I won’t be traveling so much for work anymore.”
I knew her face well and I could remember a lot of the feelings associated with certain expressions on it, so I could still read her pretty accurately. There was no relief. Instead, she seemed irritated for some reason.
She was eating toast with honey, and I wanted to kiss her to taste it. It made me think of our first kiss, which had been as sweet as Penelope herself. She put the toast down to take a sip of water, and I snatched it from her plate and bit into it before returning it. She glared at me but continued eating.
“When’s your next checkup?”
“Next week.”
“Can I come?”
“Sure,” she shrugged like it didn’t matter to her either way.
“What’s your plan for today?”
“I’m getting coffee for my friends who have exams and dropping it off. Hank's taking me.”
“I can take you.”
“No need. I’m sure you have a lot of work to catch up on at the office,” she said and got up to put her plate in the sink.
That's fine , I told myself. If I said it enough, maybe I’d start believing it. I remembered how, in the beginning, she was shyly excited about every new thing and how she wanted to share everything with me, but I just couldn’t allow myself to relax and trust.
I was the one who taught her to be like this. I was so scared of getting hurt again, but ironically, the pain of loss would be preferable to the knowledge that you lost someone’s affection, respect, and trust. Maybe even love.
Had Penelope loved me? She’d never said so, but why would she? I didn’t exactly give out the green light for deep emotional conversations.
After she left, I went to the office. All the pack members I met along the way treated me very coldly, and the muffin I got at the bakery was stale. That old jerk sold his Alpha a stale muffin. I almost chuckled. My chest filled with pride for my pack and my Luna.
Now I was holding half of my stale muffin as I stared at our photo the way I always did when I was at the office. I’d never get any work done if it stayed on my desk. My wolf turned into a damn pup every time he caught sight of his mate, and I... Well, as long as I was alone in a room, I could allow myself to dream and hope, and give in to my feelings.
I didn’t know how to fix things. I’d been deceiving myself that it wasn’t so bad, but now I was faced with the extent of the damage I’d caused, and it was overwhelming. Whenever I’d lost something as a pup, my Dad would tell me to retrace my steps, and I’d find it.
That timeless piece of advice seemed appropriate in this situation, and, as much as it pained me, I started thinking back at the very first mistake I'd made in my mating with Penelope: the moment I started hiding my feelings from her after I'd marked her.
It was time to remove the veil and let her feel it all. Most of it was insecure and ugly, but she needed to know the real me.
As I willingly opened my mind to my mate for the first time, I sensed someone at the door. The smell of lavender greeted me as she knocked.
“Come in, Heather.”
“Dom, you’re finally back!” she greeted me with a huge grin on her face.
What was there to grin about? I tamped down my annoyance with her, as I always did. No need to take it out on her, she’d been through enough.
“Hello.”
There. I was being nice.
“Do you wanna grab lunch? Tell me about your trip?”
I frowned at the suggestion and wondered how I’d let her down gently, when I remembered Penelope’s words regarding Cassie’s stuff: you and Heather can decide what to do with it.
Penelope had told me she felt Heather was intruding on our time together, and I’d ignored her. I still wanted to keep my word and help Heather, but like my mother told me, maybe it was time to take the kid gloves off.
“Please sit down, Heather,” I told her, and her eyes widened in surprise at my tone.
“Is something wrong?”
“Look, I’ve been thinking. It’s been three years since the accident and you’re still afraid of not only driving, but of being driven by anyone but me. I think it’s time to talk to Vera. I said nothing when you refused in the aftermath of the accident, but now it’s time.”
“Dom, I - ” her eyes filled with tears. “You know how difficult this is, we’ve talked about it. You’ve never gone either.”
“I know. And I should have. I plan on stopping by her office today after work, and I suggest you do the same. It’s an official request.”
She swallowed and nodded. I nodded back to indicate this meeting was over, and she left without a word, for once. Thank God.
◆◆◆
How long did exams last nowadays? Every day, she had to go see someone or help someone. Between her friends and sleeping in the nursery, I almost never saw her. She’d sometimes leave the door slightly open, which was a signal for my wolf to come in and cuddle. Lucky bastard.
But I wasn’t deterred by that. I let her feel my longing and my frustration. I let her feel my love and admiration when I looked at her. I tamped down a lot of the lust because I didn’t want her to think I was a sex maniac, but I let her feel some of that as well when I’d get a glimpse of her pregnancy curves.
It was a constant battle not to hide the fear and insecurity I felt. Showing her what a mess I was went against every instinct I had. I’d catch her looking at me in those moments, but what I’d see on her face wasn’t disgust. It was sympathy. I could live with sympathy.
“Do you have time to eat dinner with me tonight?” I asked her when she came to get ready in her walk-in.
“I’m sorry, I already made plans with Ophelia and your mom.”
She didn’t sound sorry.
“Oh. I was thinking we could go out one night this week. Like a date.”
She stuck her head out of the closet, frowning.
“We never went on a date before.”
“I know. That’s because I was a shit mate. Sorry, bad mate,” I said before she could correct me.
“I don’t know. I’ll let you know if I find the time.”
“We’re still going to the checkup tomorrow, right?”
“Mhm.”
This conversation was dying.
“So, how did you manage while I was gone? Was it too hard being pregnant and alone? Which I’m really sorry about, again.”
She was apparently ready to go so she exited the closet and leaned her back on the wall.
“I had your mom and her friends, my brother, my friends. Grace and Elliot were right next door in case of an emergency. I had Hank to drive me around. It was okay. It’s not like you and I spent a lot of time together before, so it wasn’t a drastic change.”
She seemed unperturbed by the notion, but I was choking on shame, and my wolf was howling in despair. We wanted our mate to love and need us. Instead, I’d taught her to be perfectly happy without me. My presence in her life wasn’t enriching or helpful. If I died tomorrow, she and the pup would be fine. She gasped when my panic and pain hit her.
“I’m sorry,” I managed to say. “If you want, I’ll block my feelings again, only until you give birth. I don’t want to harm you or the pup.”
She was breathing through it.
“It’s fine,” she met my eyes, sad for some reason. “I prefer knowing how you feel.”
I nodded. There was nothing to add to that.
◆◆◆
The tiny midwife was staring at me with clear disapproval, tightening her mouth. I’d like to say she wasn’tcoming across as scary due to her size, but she was pulling it off.
“How nice. The father decided to join us today,” she said haughtily.
I shot her a look but said nothing.
“Luna, hello. How are you?” my mate got the brightest smile from her.
“Hi, Alicia. I’m great. A little tired, but that’s to be expected.”
She weighed Penelope and then took her blood pressure before palpating her abdomen.
“Any discharge? Any contractions? Any pain?”
“No.”
“Let’s have a look then,” she said, and I had to look away as she dug around my mate’s insides.
My wolf wanted to decapitate her when Penelope frowned in slight discomfort.
“Everything looks good,” she said as she discarded the used gloves. “Now, we’re almost at the finish line. You’re due at the beginning of next month, but any time after next week won’t be counted as premature. You know what to look out for, you’re ready,” she told Penelope encouragingly and Penelope took a deep breath and nodded.
“Is there anything I should be aware of? Or look out for?” I felt so stupid since I didn’t even know what to ask.
I didn’t even know we were expecting a pup until two weeks ago, real father-of-the-year material. No wonder Alicia was looking at me like that.
“If this is your roundabout way of asking about having sex, as most fathers do, the answer is yes, you can, as long as the mother is comfortable,” Alicia said matter-of-factly, and I suddenly felt Penelope’s embarrassment.
I guess the comment really knocked her off balance if she let her guard slip. I, in turn, felt my guts twisting at the thought that my pregnant mate didn’t want me touching her. I’d never get to experience making love to her like this.
Despair washed over me, and I let it. I’d never get this time back. The first year of my mating. Penelope’s first pregnancy. And it was all my fault. It was difficult to even remember why I’d been so stupid, but then I did remember and it quickly sobered me up.
Penelope looked at me, confused.
“Thank you for your help, Alicia,” I said to the female and then turned to Penelope, “I’ll wait for you outside.”
◆◆◆
“Hello, Alpha Dominic,” a surprised Dr. Jackson was looking at me over the top of her reading glasses as I barged into her office. “Did you need something?”
“I need some help,” I said, and when she didn’t respond, I added, “with Penelope. I kind of made a mess of things.”
She nodded and then took her glasses off and set them down on her desk.
“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to come see me, Alpha. Ever since your first mate died.”
“I don’t want to talk about that. Just tell me what I can do to fix things with Penelope.”
“I’m sorry, Alpha, but that’s not how this works. In order to fix things, ” she said with exaggerated air quotes, which I, frankly, found repulsive, “you have to first fix yourself. And that can only happen if you heal the two wounds you’ve been carrying inside you all these years. Without confronting them, everything else will be useless,” she calmly explained, and I felt myself getting irrationally angry.
“I don’t think I can,” I said brusquely and left her office, only to show up again the next morning.
“I’m only doing this for Penelope,” I said, and she let me in with a small but smug smile.
◆◆◆
“Dr. Jackson suggested I talk to you,” I told Penelope’s mating counselor friend. “You’re covered by confidentiality as well, right?”
“Of course, Alpha,” she answered with a blank face, the picture of professionalism, despite being my mate’s close friend and probably hating my guts.
“Let’s not pretend you don’t know how I messed things up,” I got straight to the point.
Talking to Vera left me raw and exposed for days afterward, and I was sure Penelope suffered from feeling the aftershocks of my intense therapy sessions, too. If I could minimize that pain for myself and for her, I’d seize that chance with both hands.
“What do you recommend I do? Do we need counseling?”
“You two are not good candidates for mating counselingright now, because you are the one who continuously eroded the trust between you two and thereby damaged your bond – so the onus is on you to repair it, not on you two to work on it together.
The bond alone only goes so far and without putting in the work, it can very quickly atrophy. Perhaps when that part is completed, you can come see me together to work on some communication techniques.”
“What do you suggest I do?”
“I have some books that might help you understand what you’ve done a bit better and give you some pointers on how to proceed. None of these are manuals, but they are suggestions to be tailored to your unique relationship with your unique mate,” she said as she turned to her bookshelf.
After she handed me three books, she said, “Once you’ve read these, I’m available for any concerns or questions you might have.”
I glanced at the book covers: Eight Dates, Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage – was I studying for a math test? Why did they all have numbers in the title?
“Thank you, Ms. Cranch.”
“Good luck, Alpha.”
◆◆◆
My wolf was swooning over how beautiful Penelope looked in her black dress, and I couldn’t help but join him. As Alpha and Luna of the pack, it was our job to join the deans of the various schools on stage to hand out diplomas to the students graduating today.
“Stop it,” she hissed through her teeth while maintaining a smile for the audience.
“Stop what?” I asked, frowning.
“Leering. Having these lewd thoughts.”
“I can think whatever I want about my mate,” I whispered back, and I could tell she wanted to put distance between us but respected the graduation decorum, whichI shamelessly took advantage of.
When we were done, we joined her friends at one of the tables. They already had a plate ready for Penelope, and I loved all of them for it. Not that little prick, Anthony, but you know, the others.
Penelope suddenly smiled at him and asked, “Are you coming over tomorrow with Isaac?”
“I am,” he said with his mouth full.
“Good, I need you two to install the curtain rods in the nursery.”
“No problem,” he nodded, and I ran my claws over my palms to calm down.
Penelope set the tiny pizza she was eating back on her plate, and I stole a bite from where her mouth had been on it. That helped a bit. She just shot me a weird look. That was an emotion in it I had trouble identifying. I then took a sip of juice from her glass.
“I’ll go find Terrence and come get you in 30, okay?” I said into her ear, and she just nodded.
On the drive back, I kept thinking about how to best approach this. I had no right to make her feel bad or criticize her, but I wasn’t going to hide how hurt I was.
While she was changing in the closet, I asked, “Why didn’t you ask me to help with the curtain rods?”
She came out of the closet in her nightgown, and all the hurt left my body. She looked soft and beautiful and seductive and heartbreaking as always, but she was also more somehow: more mature, more aware of who she was.
“It honestly didn’t cross my mind,” she said without a trace of malice, and somehow, that was worse.
“I hope you’ll think of me next time something needs doing. It’s my pup, and I’d like to help,” I said, and she nodded.
“Good night.”
I followed her into the nursery, and she looked panicked for a second, and that gutted me. I stepped back.
“I just want to talk. Please.”
“What do you want to talk about?” she asked as she sat down on the bed and started combing her hair.
I turned to the photos on the wall in order to be able to form a coherent sentence. Being so close to her in a small room was an awful idea. Or the best.
“There were some unsolved aspects of Cassandra’s accident, and I’d gotten it in my head that I needed to know everything that had happened. When I met you, I was at the very beginning of the investigation, and I was obsessed with it.
I felt like solving the mystery would change something. I was afraid and in a lot of pain. But all that investigation did was take away the focus from us, from our mating, and I’m sorry about that. I know my priorities now.”
“Was that what you were doing when we were at the trial? When you were gone half the night?”
“Yeah,” I hung my head. “I was looking at the files from the Alpha Summit when Cassie died, trying to figure out if anyone was absent from the dinner when I collapsed.”
“Why?”
“It’s still something I don’t like talking about. Have you read my letters?”
She shook her head no. I steeled myself for the confession, but she opened her mouth.
“I’m sorry to hear all that, Dominic, I really am. I had no idea you were suffering. You made sure of that. But you knew that I was. You knew all that I felt – my doubts, my pain; at least in the beginning, when I was still being open to you. You knew all that, and still, you decided that your pain mattered more than mine. That is what I’m struggling with.”
She then got under the covers and said, “Turn off the lights when you leave, please.”