Grant
GRANT
He couldn’t sleep.
Unable to resist the urge, rolled over with a groan to look at the clock. It was almost three in the morning, well past his bedtime. He could feel the exhaustion working through his body, crying out for sleep. His mind, however, refused to let him drift off, flitting from one thought to another with a clarity too sharp to ignore.
closed his eyes, curling an arm around a stray pillow and pulling it tight against his chest. Just when he thought he might be okay, he had to run into Theo. He could still see the stunned and pained expression on Theo’s face. The feel of Theo’s hand on his arm was still present, burning with the desperation Theo had put into the grip.
There was clearly still something there for Theo. If it had been a simple cut and run, their conversation would have been awkward, but it wouldn’t have sounded so pained. It shouldn’t have counted for so much in ’s mind. If Theo had wanted to make amends or even try to reach across the gap between them, he would have taken the chance in the Center. It shouldn’t have left feeling hope so acute it dug into his chest and ached mercilessly.
Sighing, he rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to stare at the sloped ceiling. Theo refused to leave his thoughts, no matter how much tried to distract himself. He’d even stayed late at work, focusing on several tasks, privately hoping to wear himself down. It had almost been successful until his head hit the pillow, and suddenly, his mind latched onto every little detail.
A soft thump from below brought upright. Mike and Delta jerked their heads up, tails flicking with tense interest. watched them hop off the end of the bed and disappear through the door. Heart hammering in his chest, slid out of bed, pulling on a pair of pajama pants before walking down the stairs slowly.
The house was still, save for the faint creaking of the walls settling. The waves were quiet, and the wind whispered at the windows. The moonlight was weak, leaving shadows everywhere as he glanced out the sliding glass doors to try to find movement. Keeping himself calm, he walked into the kitchen and peered through the front door window. Again, he found only shadows.
A heavier thud came from behind him, muffled by the walls. whirled around, realizing the sound had come from the veranda. Cursing himself for coming downstairs without his phone, softly walked into the kitchen, gaze steady on the sliding doors.
The cats stood in front of the doors, tails held up and flicking at the tips. kept out of the light as best he could as he approached them, searching the shadows for what had made the noise. As he grew close, he caught sight of a shadow that hadn’t been there seconds ago, just past the steps from the veranda.
Holding his breath, stepped back, meaning to go back upstairs and retrieve his phone and maybe something to arm himself with. A low moan came from the shadow, stopping mid-step. His eyes darted to the veranda, brow furrowing as he caught sight of a few cigarette butts on the table.
“Fuck me,” came the shadow’s complaint.
straightened, Theo?
Letting out his breath and hearing the annoyance in it, shooed the cats away and opened the door. At the sound, the shadow moved again, and Theo’s face caught the faint light from the moon.
“Oh,” Theo muttered, squinting. “Hi.”
crossed his arms over his chest. “What are you doing?”
“Well,” Theo began, pushing himself unsteadily to sit upright. “I was having some smokes. Then I thought I might go down the beach.”
It wasn’t quite what had meant, but he let the man continue. didn’t need the light breeze holding the strong scent of alcohol to know Theo was drunk. The man was barely holding himself upright. His brow furrowed in intense concentration as he tried to speak without slurring too heavily.
“Guess I forgot there were steps,” Theo muttered, glaring at the veranda.
“They’ve been there the whole time,” told him.
Theo looked up, wide-eyed. “Have they? Shit. I might just be drunk then.”
“I hadn’t noticed,” said dryly.
Theo snickered, using the stairs to pull himself up. “I probably smell like a brewery.”
“That’s also not what I meant,” said.
Theo frowned at him. “Huh?”
sighed. “I meant, why are you here , at my house, at three in the morning.”
“Oh.”
watched as Theo managed to get to his feet, wobbling a little as he mounted the steps. Theo carefully made his way forward, looking as though he were devoting every piece of concentration to walking steadily. Reaching the table, Theo fumbled his hands over his clothes, pulling out a mangled pack of cigarettes, and with a grunt of pleasure, yanked a lighter from his jeans as well.
“Theo,” said, reminding him of his presence.
Theo’s pleased smile faltered, flopping down in a deck chair. “Because I’m sorry.”
“We went over this already.”
“Yeah. And I miss you.”
“I think we covered that too.”
Theo sighed, leaning his elbows heavily on the table. “No...I like...really missed you. Been missing you the whole time.”
sighed. “Theo, you’re drunk, and it’s three in the morning. Let’s not do this to ourselves, okay?”
Theo didn’t seem to hear him, pinching his eyes shut. “Being with you was like...jumping off a cliff. It was scary as fuck, but it was exciting too. But it was like, the more I was with you, the more I thought about how I couldn’t swim.”
Theo couldn’t swim? That was news to .
“Not like, literally,” Theo said as though reading ’s thoughts.
“Okay, a metaphor, got it,” said, itching to move closer but keeping himself in one place.
Theo nodded. “Yeah, metaphor, right. Everything was so great, scary, but great. You were the first person besides Blair who just...liked me. You didn’t just deal with me. You liked who I was.”
forced himself to remain quiet, silently nodding his head. Theo was mischievous and enjoyed messing with people, his mood was unpredictable at times, and he was prone to cutting himself off from the world and diving into his own head for days at a time. Yet all those things were what made up Theo. Impish but playful, moody but thoughtful, flighty but passionate. The things that could drive to irritation stemmed from the very same place ’s favorite things about Theo came from. They were tied to one another, and had found acceptance with unerring speed.
“And, God,” Theo continued, putting his head in his hands. “That was terrifying, . To think there might be someone out there who could like me . Someone who made me feel good, who didn’t leave me itching to sneak out of the house or bed.”
stirred at that, frowning. “You did leave. In the middle of the night, without a word.”
Theo nodded, head lolling faintly with the motion. “I know. I was scared, a chickenshit. I hated myself even while I did it, and I don’t know how to take it back.”
This was not a good time to have this conversation. Theo was far too drunk, though suspected that was the whole point. He had no idea what Theo had been doing for the past couple of weeks, but he suspected it had been spent as miserably as ’s time had been.
“The whole time,” Theo mumbled. “The whole time I was leaving, I felt so sick, it felt so wrong. But all I could hear was the waves around me, dragging me down to drown. I’m terrified of the ocean, . Did you know that?”
“No,” said softly.
“Fuckin’ scared shitless by it. It’s why I liked that cave so much. Made me feel like I was at sea but still safe. But with you, it was like I was diving straight into the ocean. Did that once before, but shore was close.”
“You fell before?” asked.
Theo snorted. “No, like, I literally did it. Dove off a cliff into the ocean. Everyone else was too scared to do it.”
“But not you,” said, unable to help his smile.
“Scared? Yeah, I was scared, but I did it. Ocean always scared me, but it didn’t terrify me until later.”
“Why does it terrify you now?”
Theo took a deep, shaky breath. “I never did...fit in with my family. I guess every family has to have a black sheep. My mother did everything she could to ‘straighten’ me out. That boot camp place she sent me at fifteen was fun, took them two months to finally send me back home, sick of me. After that, things got...really bad. I couldn’t go anywhere without someone in the family watching me, kept to my room when I was home, not allowed to go to functions or be with friends. It felt like my whole world was the four walls of my room and my mother’s...hatred of me. And then, one day, when I was seventeen, I decided I’d had enough. Got out of my room, went to the cliffs, and stood there, at the edge. A storm was coming in, the water was pissed off looking, but sometimes I think it was scared too, I don’t know. I was feeling both, and I remember standing at the edge, feeling like the waves hitting the rocks were like...calling me.”
’s fingers curled against his side as his chest ached. His mind flashed back to the painting hanging on his office wall for everyone to see. The painting Theo had said no one else had ever paid attention to, had barely even noticed. The same painting that had captured ’s attention and set his imagination to work.
“The Precipice,” whispered.
Theo nodded again, eyes squeezing shut. “I don’t know how long I stood there, torn between backing off or throwing myself over and being done with it. Those were the only two options for me.”
gave a wavering smile, remembering his interpretation of the painting. “But there was a third, wasn’t there?”
Theo looked up, startling with his watery eyes. “Yeah, there was. I don’t know why it hit me, but it did. I thought I had to throw myself off the cliff or retreat to the hell that was home. But I stood there and realized I didn’t have to do either. It still felt like the ocean wanted me, but I realized I didn’t have to do it.”
“You made your own way.”
“Yeah. It sucked, and I didn’t do too well at first, and sometimes, I don’t do good now. I drink too much, I smoke more than I should, I can’t keep friends, I run away from or drive people away. No one ever bothered to worry about it, about what I was doing. Except for Blair, but she’s known me since we were kids.”
“I saw,” said softly, unable to help himself.
Theo stretched his arm across the table as though to take ’s hand. “You did. And I ran. I got scared, and I ran. I hurt you, I hurt me, I fucked everything up.”
sighed, wanting to take Theo’s hand but wanting to ignore it as well. Theo was drunk, and confessions born from alcohol weren’t reliable. They might very well be heartfelt, but sobriety had a way of driving things home, bringing reality back into play. Theo could mean everything he said, but wouldn’t risk his heart on something so tenuous.
Theo curled the fingers of his offered hand into a fist. “I know. I shouldn’t...shouldn’t have come here. I shouldn’t have bothered you. I’m the one who fucked up, and it’s fucked up even to think you might forgive me enough to want to try again.”
’s chest ached furiously at Theo’s words. Forgiveness wasn’t the problem. had known Theo was scared. He might not completely understand Theo’s reasoning, as it had swerved in and out of making any logical sense, but some part of him accepted it. It was the confession of a lonely man who had probably never known companionship or trust most of his life, if at all. Theo was young, but the scars of his life had left him older, wary, and terrified of anything or anyone who might get too close.
had already forgiven him, but he wasn’t sure he could trust him.
“I should go,” Theo said softly, pushing himself up.
“Uh-oh,” muttered as Theo tottered to one side.
Theo tried to catch himself, but ’s grip on his arm kept him upright. Theo’s bright eyes were muted and flat, still wavering with unshed tears as he looked at .
“You are not going anywhere like this,” told him.
Theo shook his head. “I’ll just...get a cab. It’s okay.”
rolled his eyes. “Come on, you’re sleeping here.”
“…” Theo began.
cut him off. “Don’t. You’re drunk and riding an emotional roller coaster right now. If you’re anywhere, it should be with someone who cares about you, not alone and miserable.”
Ignoring Theo’s weak protests, he pulled Theo into the house and guided him up the stairs. Theo continued to argue, even slapping weakly at ’s arms.
“I’m not staying here,” Theo grumbled, sounding more like his old self.
“Yes, you are.”
Before Theo could protest further, gave the man a shove. Too drunk to keep himself upright, Theo sprawled on the bed with a startled yelp. took advantage of the man’s disorientation to yank Theo’s shoes off and toss them at the foot of the bed.
“What the fuck?” Theo huffed, rolling onto his back.
“Sleep it off,” told him, trying not to think too hard about Theo’s state when he did wake up.
“Where you gonna sleep?” Theo asked, words faint.
“I went to bed early, and now I’m wide awake. Maybe I can get something done,” told him, lying through his teeth but not caring.
“Gonna be here?” The strength in Theo’s voice was dipping even further, giving in to the inviting softness of ’s bed.
“Yes,” told him, meaning it.
“Mkay.”
smiled, reaching up to place a gentle hand on Theo’s cheek as the man fell asleep. Taking a deep breath, he gave in to temptation, leaning forward to kiss Theo between his brows. At the soft touch of his lips, Theo let out a deep, contented sigh, his features relaxing.
As quietly left the room, he heard Theo mumble. “Maybe falling wouldn’t be so bad...if I was falling with you.”
After that, wasn’t sure how long he stood in the doorway, watching Theo sleep and wondering about one of the bravest men he knew, who was terrified of falling.