Ethan
ETHAN
His backward step froze as Matt rounded the corner, looking miserable. Green eyes, wet with unshed tears, lips parting in surprise. The concern had felt when he’d heard thumps and crashes while standing at the door gave way to sudden embarrassment. His face burned, and his mind raced to come up with anything that might make the situation less awkward.
“You haven’t been sleeping,” said, latching onto the dark circles under Matt’s eyes.
cursed himself inwardly. That sure as hell hadn’t helped.
Matt blinked. “Uh, no?”
“Sorry, I uh,” he glanced toward the doorway behind him. “I heard raised voices and some crashes. I thought something was wrong, and the door was unlocked. I thought about calling the cops, but then I realized if something was wrong, that wouldn’t be fast enough. So I let myself in, and when I overheard you guys, I realized I didn’t need to be in here. I was getting ready to leave and come back later, but then you walked out, and now here I am. Rambling.”
Matt tilted his head slowly to one side before snorting softly. “Would you like some tea?”
“Uh, tea?”
“Yeah. Hot water and leaves.”
“Right. Tea. Uh, sure?”
Matt smiled faintly as he filled the kettle. “That sounded like you weren’t quite sure. Or you aren’t sure what tea is.”
“I know what tea is,” said in a rush, then winced. “I’m just a little embarrassed that I basically broke into your house.”
Matt opened a cabinet, pulling out a jar of loose-leaf tea. “You heard what you thought was trouble. I’m not going to hold that against you.”
“Right,” said, looking down at his shoes. “I can come back. Or not at all. If you want.”
Matt opened a drawer as the kettle gurgled. “I guess that depends on what you’re here for.”
“I came to talk,” said.
“About?”
“Shouldn’t it be obvious?”
“I don’t know if it is, actually.”
sighed, leaning on the counter. “I want to talk about what happened. I took off before I could say anything. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Matt shook his head, placing what looked like strainers in the shape of a ball in the mugs. “If anyone in that situation had a reason to get out of Dodge, it would be you. I didn’t expect to hear from you again, let alone see you.”
eyed him. “So, you’re not pissed at me?”
Matt looked up, eyes widening. “What? Why would I be mad?”
“Uh,” gestured between them. “Because my brother accused you of...things, then attacked you. And I didn’t do shit.”
Matt looked him over. “Nothing? There’s still a bruise on your cheek, and that black eye of yours isn’t gone completely.”
winced, touching the corner of his eye. “I was trying to pull him off and he just...lashed out. I should have tried harder.”
“But you didn’t want to hit your brother,” Matt said, opening each sphere and placing some leaves inside. “I can’t blame you for that.”
“You should,” huffed. “I shouldn’t have let that happen. I froze. I never freeze.”
“You’ve also never faced down the only person you consider family in such a tense moment, especially after what he’d just seen,” Matt said, closing the balls.
“That’s not an excuse,” insisted.
Matt pulled the kettle off, flashing him a sad smile. “Well, if you won’t accept absolution, I can’t give it to you, . If you’re to blame for what happened, so am I.”
sighed, suddenly wishing Theo had been wrong in his prediction. It would have been better if Matt had been angry with him instead of blaming himself.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Look, I’m not exactly thrilled at how things went down. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. But the fact of the matter is, Keith started it. Hell, from the sounds of it, he’s been starting it for years now. If that was the point where you had enough, then fine.”
“And what if Cade and Elias hadn’t been there?” Matt asked, pouring water into three mugs.
“Stop,” warned. “Don’t play the ‘what if’ game. Nobody wins.”
“And what if I hadn’t kissed you?” Matt insisted, jaw set stubbornly. “None of that would have happened.”
“And none of it would have happened if my brother knew how to let the past go. You aren’t responsible for our shitty upbringing,” snapped.
Matt paused as he grabbed one of the tea strainers before gently setting it into one of the mugs. “Is this that theory you have about him?”
groaned, rubbing his face. “Yes. Our...our father.”
Matt dropped the other two into the other mugs. “What did he do?”
“He left,” said simply.
“I know that,” Matt said patiently. “But what does that have to do with...how Keith is?”
gave an ugly laugh. “I grew up thinking Keith was my dad. He wasn’t anywhere close to old enough, but that’s how it was. Even when I got older, I had a hard time thinking of him as my brother. But Keith didn’t have anyone else but my dad for that. Our dad just...he was never home. Barely acknowledged us, or at least that’s how I remember. I don’t remember much before seven. But at seven until he left? I barely remember him. Keith, when he talked about him, said our dad used to be different. That he spent time with us. Went to Keith’s Little League games, took us to the park, stuff like that. Our Mom, though, couldn’t stand us half the time, and the other half? We might as well not have existed. And that got even worse when she started using.”
He closed his eyes, remembering the far-away look in her eyes as she half-dozed on the couch. Sometimes, it didn’t matter how much noise they made trying to get her attention, her listless stare would continue. Other times, she’d wake up at the slightest change in the room and come off the couch like a wounded boar, bellowing just as ferociously.
“Turns out,” said, looking up at Matt again. “Dad had started finding, uh, solace outside the house. I only met ‘Uncle Adam’ a few times. But Keith said he showed up a lot more when I was younger. And that was when our dad stopped hanging around as much.”
Matt looked down at the tea, stirring a mug idly. “I take it Uncle Adam was?—”
“My dad’s lover. Boyfriend. Male mistress. I don’t know, pick a term,” shrugged. “Keith said that the minute the guy showed up, everything went to shit. Everyone was a big happy family until Adam came along and ruined it.”
“With his degeneracy,” Matt supplied.
“Yeah, something along those lines,” huffed.
“You don’t sound like you believe it.”
hesitated, realizing he’d never spoken the words aloud before. His doubts had always remained locked in his head.
“Not completely,” finally admitted. “I think my dad did leave us for Adam. But I don’t think it drove our mom to start using. It’s not like she slowly slipped into it, according to him. For years, she was fine, and then suddenly, she was...different. Moods all over the place, sometimes zoned out, sometimes furious. And sometimes she just wasn’t there, and we wouldn’t see her for days.”
“An addict who fell off the wagon,” Matt said quietly.
nodded. “I don’t think what our dad did caused it. I really don’t. I think they were falling apart long before that. I can remember my parents when I was younger, but I don’t remember them being together much. And then Adam showed up, and a few years later, my dad was gone, without a word, without a backward glance. A couple of years later, my mom just...overdid it. Or maybe she did it on purpose. I don’t know.”
“So,” Matt said slowly, handing one of the mugs to . “Let me see if I understand this. Keith’s entire attitude toward me and...any gay man is because your dad left you guys for a new family with this guy Adam. And you think he blames it on him being gay?”
shrugged as he took the mug. “He thinks Adam ruined everything.”
“But you think he was just part of the problem.”
“Our dad left because he didn’t want to be with a drug addict, and I can’t blame him for that. But he left us , and I don’t know why, and I don’t care because I can blame him for that.”
“But for Keith, somewhere along the line, he blamed Adam, or more specifically, his being gay.”
“Right.”
Matt sucked in a breath. “That’s, uh, one hell of a story.”
“Yeah,” muttered. “Sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud, actually.”
“Not...really,” Matt said slowly. “I’ve seen children and teens lose their parents through divorce, death, abandonment, all sorts of things. They all come up with reasons why, and it can be anything their mind latches onto. Sometimes, they let go and make peace with it when they grow up, but some people just...don’t. They never learn to let it go and hang onto it.”
“No offense, but how do you know this?” asked curiously.
Matt smiled. “My mom was a big charity person, used to volunteer all over the place, and sometimes took me. They thought they couldn’t have any kids, actually, my parents. Some issue my mom had, so my mom made up for it by doing what she could for kids. Foster homes, group homes, family centers, all that. And then I came along, and boom, I was their miracle baby, but she never stopped going, and sometimes, she’d take me along. Said it would be good for me to see kids who could use some love.”
smiled at that. “And I bet you had plenty to give.”
Matt shook his head. “My point is, it sounds like that’s what Keith did. His mind latched onto the problem and just...never let it go. People do it all the time.”
“It doesn’t make it right,” muttered. “He shouldn’t have done that, not to you. Or to anyone.”
Which also meant should never have been made to feel like he couldn’t be open with his brother about who he was. And as much as that had pained him over the years, it had never stung quite as deeply as when he stood in Matt’s kitchen, staring into his bright eyes.
“Matt!” a gruff voice called. “There’s a mess in here. I could hurt myself. Why haven’t you cleaned it up yet?”
Matt winced, grabbing one of the mugs. “Sorry, I need to deal with this.”
“You want some help?” asked.
Matt hesitated before nodding. “Just...don’t take anything he says personally, okay? He’s not himself when he gets like this.”
When they entered the living room, Calvin fixed his gaze on . “Don’t be bringing more strangers into this house! Got enough problems as it is. Damn it, Matthew.”
“I brought your tea, Dad,” Matt said heartily. “Just the way you like it. Careful though, it’s hot.”
“I know how to drink tea,” Calvin snapped, yanking the mug from Matt’s hand. He then looked at again, eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Or did you finally go out and get a whore?”
blinked, keeping a benign smile on his face as he stepped into the room. He glanced down at the table beside the chair and spotted the book sitting atop it.
“Quantum Story,” read off. “Was this the light reading you talked about doing the last time I was here, Mr. Howell?”
“Light reading?” Calvin snorted derisively. “Nothing light about it. Interesting is what it is.”
“Can’t say I know much about it,” admitted, watching Matt as the man eyed them warily.
Calvin waved a hand at him. “Not many people do, but most people don’t dedicate their lives to it. I’ve been in the field for years. Know it like the back of my hand.”
“I wasn’t very good at physics,” continued, sipping his tea. “I wouldn’t stand a chance with the quantum variety.”
“Oh, there’s nothing to it. Only reason you couldn’t understand your physics class was because you had a shit teacher,” Calvin chuckled, patting the book beside him. “Need someone who can run it down for you, who really knows it.”
“That someone sounds like you,” said, raising a brow.
“You’re damn right it is,” Calvin said, taking a sip of tea.
Which was apparently all the encouragement Calvin needed. All the bluster and irritation melted away as he launched into his lesson. watched, amazed at how well Calvin slipped into the role of teacher, his patient, articulate explanation speaking volumes not only of his knowledge but of the experience he held teaching.
While Calvin talked, struggled to maintain his attention, not just because Calvin’s explanations were still flying over his head. For several minutes, Matt had stood behind his father’s chair, gaping at the two of them. After a little while, he shook himself and, with an amazed smile, turned and began picking up. wished he could help, but Calvin was so caught up in his explanation he didn’t have the heart to interrupt.
After almost an hour, felt almost as worn out as Calvin looked. He had been supplied with two more cups of tea and seemed to have drained the last of his energy.
Calvin broke off, looking around the room. “Oh, this looks much better. Thank you, Matthew, it looked like a sty in here.”
Matt smiled at his father, squeezing his shoulder. “Of course, Dad.”
Calvin patted the arms of his chair. “Well, I think it’s about time I took a good nap. I seem to have worn myself out with all this talking. Not quite the young man I used to be.”
“Want some help upstairs?” Matt asked.
Calvin chuckled, pushing himself to his feet. “I think I can manage, thank you.”
Matt watched his father go, waiting until he heard the door close before turning to . “How did you know to do that?
shook his head. “I didn’t. I just kind of jumped to the first thing I saw.”
Matt rubbed his face. “I should have thought of that. It’s worked before. Get him focused on what he does know, and he can sometimes break out of...but it throws me off sometimes when he’s like that. He’s just so different.”
“Yeah,” agreed softly. “He didn’t seem like himself.”
“He gets, I don’t know, lost in his head. He gets paranoid, aggressive, and Lord, the things he’ll sometimes say,” Matt finished with a whisper. “This one wasn’t that bad, actually. He was...looking for something for my mother, to make sure she had it when she got home.”
“Oh, Matt,” said softly, heart breaking for the man.
Matt’s voice wavered. “He forgets, is all. And gets stuck in a different time.”
held out his hand to him, “C’mere.”
Matt shook his head, eyes wet. “No, I-I can’t. There’s still the dining room to clean up, and I can’t be a mess too.”
“Yes, you can,” said, wiggling his hand.
Matt hesitated before finally reaching out and letting take hold of him. ’s chest ached as he felt the shake in the man’s fingers and drew him closer. Before he decided what he was going to do, Matt knelt in front of him, between his legs. Matt collapsed against him, wrapping his arms around ’s waist and burying his face in ’s stomach.
When heard the first wounded noise, he wrapped his fingers in Matt’s hair, rubbing gently. That was all it took, and the dam broke. There were no huge gasping sobs or wrenching cries, but Matt’s shoulders shook as he held tight to . All the pain, frustration, and loneliness washed out of Matt as stroked his head, his neck, and his back.
didn’t offer words, knowing that nothing he offered would be much help. Matt’s body was taut with pent-up pain, but it was being pushed out with each quiet, painful sob. That was all Matt needed, and was more than happy to give it to him, and maybe he could continue to give it to him.