Ethan
ETHAN
As much as it pained him, unwrapped himself from Matt’s sleeping body when the sun rose the following morning. He wanted to stay with Matt, to see his sleepy expression as he woke up and his smile when he saw .
But there was still one last piece of unfinished business to deal with.
He dressed quietly, pulling on his shirt and checking to make sure he had everything. The door opened silently, but heard the rustle of the blankets behind him and turned.
His heart melted at the bright green eyes blurrily peering at him through a cocoon of blankets. “Leaving?”
sighed. “I was going to shoot you a text after I left. So you wouldn’t wake up and worry.”
Matt frowned. “Where are you going?”
stepped closer to the bed, bending down to kiss the bit of Matt’s face that was sticking out. “Keith.”
Matt looked at the bedside table, where their phones had been. “Did he call you?”
“No,” told him, stroking a lock of hair off Matt’s forehead. “But it’s long past time he and I should have talked. I’ve been avoiding this for years, and now we’re both avoiding it. But it’s time we stopped, and if that means I have to start, then so be it.”
“Are you sure?” Matt asked, sitting up.
cupped his face, smiling gently. “Scared shitless, but it needs to be done. And whatever happens, I’m coming back here, okay?”
Matt’s face fell into a frown, but he nodded. “I guess you had to face him eventually. I just wish there was something I could do.”
“Maybe let me cuddle you a bit when I get back, pretty sure I’ll need it,” said.
“I can do that easy.”
“Good.”
bent down, catching Matt’s lips in a kiss, gentle and slow. That made it ten times harder to step away from the bed and head toward the door, but he went all the same.
“Take my car,” Matt said. “Keys are by the door, on the hook.”
“You sure?”
“I’m not making you ride the bus, , take my damn car.”
straightened, snapping a quick salute to him. “Yes, sir.”
Matt’s smile was warm and brilliant, and as closed the door behind him, he held the image in his mind. Maybe it was too early to get serious, but suspected that with a little more time, he could easily picture himself falling hard for that man.
* * *
His nerves got the better of him as he reached the apartment he shared with Keith. Keys in hand, he stopped before the door, not quite ready to unlock it, and face his brother. He honestly had no idea what he was going to say, and his stomach felt like one giant knot.
He stopped when a familiar voice could be heard on the other side of the door. “This is getting stupid, man, c’mon.”
Keith’s voice came next, tight with anger. “Forget it, Davis, I’m not talking about this shit.”
“I stand corrected. You’re being stupid,” Davis shot back, sounding just as angry. “This is your brother, man, . How the hell are you going to act like he doesn’t exist? You don’t even know where he’s at right now.”
“I spent months not knowing before. He’s a grown-ass man and can take care of himself.”
“Wandering around a city he doesn’t know because his big brother won’t fucking talk to him about what happened.”
“There’s nothing to talk about!” Keith’s voice was high and loud.
“You want to pretend like everything’s okay in the world? Well, guess what, it’s not, Keith. For fuck’s sake, you attacked Matt!”
“Fuck you, Davis. You weren’t there, you didn’t see what he...what he fucking did.”
“Kissed . Kind of figured when you wouldn’t shut up about it.”
“Well, then, why are you giving me shit?”
Davis’s voice grew louder, nearing the door. “Probably because, like you said, ’s a grown man. If he hadn’t wanted to be kissed, he wouldn’t have been.”
“You shut your fucking mouth,” Keith growled.
“And you don’t want to admit it,” Davis continued.
“Shut,” A thump as something hit the door, “your fucking mouth.”
“Going to hit me too?” Davis asked, his voice barely audible through the door. “Going to keep ignoring , pretending what happened didn’t happen? No fucking wonder he doesn’t want to sit around here with you anymore.”
That was enough for , and he yanked open the door. Two bodies spilled out into the open atrium of the apartment building. Davis landed on his back, with a startled Keith, still holding on to his shirt, following afterward.
Davis blinked up at him. “Morning, .”
“Morning, Davis. Good to see you,” said evenly.
Keith said nothing, shoving Davis off with a grumble. “Get the fuck out of my house, Davis. Sick of listening to your bullshit.”
Davis got to his feet, brushing himself off. “You hear all that?”
“Enough,” said, speaking quietly. “Thanks. I’ll deal with the rest.”
“With the mood that jackass is in? Good luck,” Davis said, wrinkling his nose.
shrugged. “It’s gotta be done. And he’s never going to be in the mood to hear it.”
Davis sighed, shaking his head. “This whole fucking thing is a mess.”
“That about sums it up.”
“So, you and Matt, huh?”
nodded. “So far, we’ll see if it sticks.”
Davis snorted. “Well, if you’re smart, you’ll keep him. Can’t say I’m all that big into that whole thing, but he’s a good guy. And anyone who can be as nice as he is and still willing to break Keith’s nose when he deserves it is alright in my books.”
“Try telling him that the next time you see him,” suggested. “He might need to hear it more than you think.”
“Probably should,” Davis said, turning away. “And uh, this whole thing goes south? You can crash on my couch until you get back on your feet. Keith can be pissed all he wants.”
“Thanks, Davis,” glanced toward the apartment. “For everything.”
“Eh, someone needed to say it,” Davis said, walking off.
took a deep breath before stepping into the apartment. He found Keith on the couch, sprawled out and staring furiously at the TV. watched him, an ache in his chest as his brother continued to pretend he wasn’t standing there.
“Keith,” said softly.
Silence.
“Keith,” said louder.
“What?” Keith’s voice was terse, thick with warning.
“I think it’s time you and I talked,” said, closing the apartment door.
Keith still didn’t look at him. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
sighed. “He’s right, you know.”
“Who?”
“Davis.”
“That man wouldn’t know right if it bit him in the ass, fuck him.”
crossed his arms over his chest. “He’s right in this case.”
“Fuck off,” Keith muttered. “I’m not dealing with your shit too.”
“Yeah,” said simply, “you are.”
“Fuck off.”
“If I didn’t want Matt to kiss me, I would have stopped him.”
“Shut up.”
“And I didn’t stop him. Because I wanted him to kiss me.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Keith roared, taking to his feet. “You did not. That’s bullshit, and you know it.”
’s jaw tightened. “The only bullshit is that you’re really going to stand there and deny the truth. It’s not bullshit. I’m?—”
Keith whirled around, eyes bulging as he jabbed a finger toward him. “Don’t you fucking say it. Don’t you dare. You are not. You are not one of them. You are not a fucking?—”
Keith trailed off, apparently unable to finish what he was saying. That was fine by , he knew exactly where his brother was going, and it pissed him off.
“What? A fag?” spat out, disgust filling his voice. “Because that’s what you were going to say, wasn’t it? Might as well say it. It’s not like you weren’t ready to call Matt that. It’s not like I haven’t heard you say that word a thousand times. Or would you prefer homo? Fruit cake? Pansy? Fuck, I could go on and on with all the words you’ve thrown out over the years.”
“I’m not calling you any of those things,” Keith seethed. “Because you’re not .”
gripped the back of the armchair, knuckles turning white. “I knew, even before my first crush on a boy in my class. I was twelve, by the way.”
“Stop!” Keith yelled.
“I knew. I wasn’t into girls. Unlike my friends, unlike you, I didn’t give a shit about girls. And you know what, with the way shit went while we were growing up, I would have loved to come to my big brother to talk about the shit,” told him, rounding the chair to step closer. “But I couldn’t. Do you know why?”
“Don’t,” Keith muttered, shaking his head. “Shut up. You’re not. You’re not like him.”
“It’s always been about Dad for you, hasn’t it?” ground out. “No matter what, it always comes back to him. Well, you know what, Keith? Fuck him, and fuck your stupid bullshit.”
Keith’s head snapped up. “What?”
“Fuck you,” repeated as he stopped a foot from his brother. “I needed you. I needed my big brother. I was so fucking scared that I was the thing you hated the most, the thing you always said ruined our family. Do you know how long it took me to let go of that? Jesus Christ, Keith, do you understand how much I hated myself?”
A hate that manifested into rage directed at the world. From fourteen until he finally enlisted, had felt nothing but anger. For himself, the world, and everyone that had or would wrong him. If he was part of what was wrong with the world, then why not lash out at it and be even more of a problem? Better to punish the world for what it had made him after all.
jabbed a finger into his brother’s chest. “It took the Marines for me to realize there was more to me than just being gay, and I met so many men, fought beside so many, who couldn’t give a shit who I’m dating or where I’m sticking my dick. It took getting away from you to feel more like myself, finally.”
Keith took an unsteady step back, his throat working. His hands were at his side, clenching into fists, only to relax and clench again. The color had drained from his face, and couldn’t tell if he was going to be sick or throw a punch.
“I’m gay,” said simply, feeling sick at the wounded expression Keith wore at the words. “Have been my whole life. And I’m dating Matt, and I’m not going to let anything get in the way of what we’re building if I can help it.”
“Don’t do this,” Keith croaked, reaching for his brother. “, please.”
stepped away, not wanting his brother to touch him. It killed him to know his brother was hurting, lost and fearful because of him. But there was no way he would back down, he wasn’t taking it back. The truth should have been told a long time ago.
He owed himself that much.
cleared his throat, knowing they were finally at the end. “I love you, Keith, and I always will. You’re my big brother, and you took care of me when our parents didn’t want to. But I won’t live my life a certain way because you’re afraid of what it would mean. I have to be honest with myself and you. I’m not Dad, and I’m never going to be him. I’ve got your back, and I’m your brother, but I’m not going to...be here or around you if you can’t move on.”
Keith laid a hand on the wall behind him, steadying himself. “You’re leaving?”
smiled sadly. “Keith, I’m gay. And you can’t stand that. So, why would you want to live with someone you can’t stand?”
“You’re my little brother,” Keith croaked out. “I love you, I can’t?—”
bowed his head. “Then I guess you need to think about what matters more. Your hatred of Dad and Adam, or your love for me. Let go of them. Let go of hating people like me because of other people's sins.”
Keith shook his head, staring at the floor with a dazed look. “This is just...too much, . I?—”
“Take your time. And if I need to go, just let me know and I’ll get my stuff. I’ll be at Matt’s,” said, opening the front door.
He pretended not to see the ripple of pain that passed over his brother’s face as he stepped out of the apartment. His heart was heavy, but he put one foot in front of the other. He had done what he’d intended. The rest was up to Keith. But whatever came, he couldn’t allow himself to regret what he’d done.
Well, there was always Matt waiting for him too, which put a smile on his face.
His phone buzzed as he slid into Matt’s car, and he pulled it out to see a new email. Heart skipping a beat, he read the subject and eagerly opened the message. Reading the contents, a grateful smile spread over his face, and he pocketed his phone.
Well, at least he had some good news for Matt.