Chapter 20 #2
“And I disagree with you.”
“Finally!” Luka said, and Reno raised a brow.
When Reno didn’t reply, Luka felt like pulling his hair out.
“This whole time you’ve been so agreeable, you don’t pick fights with me, you don’t even butt heads with me over simple things like picking TV shows or food!
You’ve bent over backwards left and right for me—don’t think I don’t see it and appreciate it—but god damn it!
If you think I’m wrong, you have to tell me.
If you think something is going to hurt my feelings, you still have to tell me.
If you think something will freak me out, you have to tell me.
If you have a fucking stalker, you have to tell me! Get it?”
“Sort of.” Reno looked uncomfortable. “I just want to keep you safe, make you happy.”
“Do I seem happy?” Luka pointed at himself, knowing his expression had to be awful from the way Reno turned his face away. “Are you happy?”
Reno didn’t reply right away, chewing on his bottom lip.
“No.” He looked at Luka and the sadness Luka saw there made his throat close. “My life is falling apart around me. My family is in danger. My privacy has been invaded. I’m—” Reno’s expression shuttered. “I’m losing you.”
Reno covered his face with his hands, and any composure he’d had before broke as he let out a muffled sob.
The anger Luka was holding on to snapped with the realization that he’d forgotten to think of how Reno was feeling.
He rushed over to where Reno sat and scooted the mug away to wrap his arms tightly around Reno.
Luka knew he had a right to be mad, but understood that whatever pressure Luka might be feeling at the moment was nothing compared to what Reno had to be experiencing.
“I know,” Luka whispered into Reno’s hair, holding him while he cried.
As Luka kissed the top of Reno’s head, everything in his body felt tight and was quickly turning rigid, like he’d shatter everywhere if Reno sobbed again.
“I actually came to find you to tell you this was all my fault, then chewed you out instead.”
With a sniffle, Reno pulled away. “Don’t say that.” His hands grasped at Luka’s shirt, wrinkling it where it had become damp from tears. “Please don’t blame yourself.”
“I do, and you can’t stop me. I knew we would end up here, but went along with everything anyway.”
“You doubted us that much?” Reno shrank into himself.
“One of us has to, remember? A few good months aren’t enough to show me that we’re built to handle this,” Luka said, but Reno was already shaking his head, looking almost angry and definitely hurt.
“We can,” Reno protested, his eyes squeezed shut and his face blotchy. “We can.”
Luka didn’t respond, his hands still holding onto Reno by the shoulders. In the lingering silence, the coffee eventually went cold, and Luka looked around Reno’s flat, at his instruments, at the pink blanket on the couch, at the show posters on the walls, and felt like a stranger.
“Let me think,” Luka said, once Reno didn’t sound in danger of bursting into tears again. “Go talk to your band, see what the label wants you to do. Then we’ll come back to this.”
“I don’t care what the label wants.”
“You say that, now.” Luka’s hands fell away, and he moved out of Reno’s space. “Make sure Cane picks you up. Please, don’t take the bus today. I’ll—” Luka swallowed. “I’ll be here, it isn’t like I have anywhere else to go.”
Things didn’t feel any better the next morning.
Reno had come home from the studio, exhausted with puffy eyes, and apologized to Luka.
He didn’t specify what he was apologizing for, only curled up on the couch, wrapping the blanket around him and staring at a blank TV screen. Reno didn’t eat dinner when Luka brought it to him, and Luka didn’t pressure him to. He didn’t feel like eating, either.
Reno excused himself to bed earlier than he’d ever done the entire time Luka had been there and fell asleep as soon as he lay down. Luka turned on the TV, but didn’t see what was playing; it might as well have been static.
It reminded him too much of California.
Sitting alone, late at night with the TV as his only company, wondering if the person in the other room hated him as much as he feared. Luka refused to reconcile with that feeling. He refused to place the burden of his insecurities on Reno’s shoulders. Reno wouldn’t treat him like that.
But he’d still broken Luka’s trust. The security of finally feeling like he knew who Reno was had fallen away, leaving Luka lingering on the outskirts of Reno’s world, wondering if he would ever really belong or if Reno wouldn’t allow him to.
He’d called August earlier and he tried now to remember the comforting words they’d given him.
But everything was distorting and blurring, running together.
Their reassurances that this was something Reno and Luka could work through felt hollow when August said they would dust his bedroom for him if he wanted to come home.
Going home felt like giving up, but staying…
He didn’t know how to feel about that anymore.
He itched to move, but his body was frozen stiff.
He wanted to sleep and he wanted to stay awake forever.
He wanted a drink, a smoke, oblivion, or numbness, and he tried hard not to inhale the sweet scent of his boyfriend lingering behind on the couch pillows. Marshmallow, blossom, sugar, and musk.
A ridiculous smell for a moment like this one.
Reno was still asleep when Luka woke the next morning, and again, nothing felt better.
A text rolled in from Cane advising him not to take his morning run until he’d arrived, and Luka had to wonder when Cane had even gotten his number. Luka hadn’t been the one to give it to him.
He wondered if Reno had handed it out to everyone when he’d arrived, a network of persons controlled by Reno’s overprotective nature, ordered to keep tabs on where Luka was and who he was with.
Reno hadn’t asked Luka if he was okay with that.
Reno didn’t explain anything; he was so paranoid.
It wasn’t unjustified, but it was still so unfair to keep it from Luka.
Luka had asked Reno for his independence, and then Reno didn’t believe he could stand on his own.
He looked at Reno sleeping next to him, his eyes still swollen and his lip cracked from dehydration, and Luka found him so achingly beautiful it was hard to look at anything else.
It would be so easy if Luka hadn’t—he got out of bed in search of a glass of water to leave by the bed for Reno—fallen in love.
Fuck.
Luka tried to piece it all together. The happiness he felt being around Reno.
The way Reno treated him with patience and kindness.
The way they laughed together. The constant surveillance.
Getting to witness Reno writing music. The power imbalance.
A beautiful city to live in, for free. Reno’s hand in his, Reno’s lips on his neck.
Millions of fans outing him online. New friends—Reno’s friends—not knowing if they would stand up for him against Reno if Reno hurt him.
Reno, asleep, with his long, baby pink hair tangled around him like a halo. He looked like an angel.
Luka moved a strand of hair away from Reno’s face, and Reno stirred before settling back into sleep. Luka’s phone pinged. Cane texted, saying he was waiting outside, so Luka got his shoes on and shoved the flat’s keys into his pocket in case Reno wasn’t home when he got back.
“Long night?”
Cane looked Luka up and down as Luka glared at him. Cane didn’t look much better off.
“Thanks. You look like shit too.”
“Wanna do halfsies today?” Cane stretched then checked his shoe laces, and Luka made a noncommittal noise before moving into a slow jog away from Reno’s flat.
Cane was fast to catch up, and they fell into an easy rhythm together, having taken the same paths every day for a while. Luka felt tense, though, now understanding just why Reno had stuck Cane on him for his morning runs.
It was a beautiful, rare sunny day, and soon enough, Luka had to pause to take his thin hoodie off and tie it around his waist.
Cane used the moment to pull a knee to his chest, one at a time, before saying, “You’re even less chatty than usual.”
“Yup,” Luka grunted, tying his hair back tighter.
“How’s Reno?”
“Ask them yourself.” Luka took off running again, and Cane, not missing a beat, caught up in moments.
“I will. But he likes to lie to me,” Cane said. “Always an ‘I’m fine!’ when it's clear he cried himself to sleep.”
“I really don’t wanna talk about it.” Luka slowed to a walk, then gradually came to a stop.
Cane took a moment to realize Luka had stopped and had to double back.
“I already had to talk to August and my friend, Maria. Wulf has been bugging me too, because he sees way more of the shit online than I do. Even my ex, Jay, tried to call me, even though he knows I don’t wanna hear from him.
They’re all worried about me, and it pisses me off. I’m fine.”
“You’re as bad a liar as Reno.” Cane put his hands in his pockets, looking like he was bracing himself for a scolding. “You’re not fine. Your privacy was violated.”
“I don’t care. It’s not a secret that I’m transgender and gay. It’s not a secret that my parents pushed me out of their lives. It’s not a secret that I’ve been a fan of Voltage’s music for so long. Nothing they can say or do can actually hurt me. I’m not protecting anyone. I have nothing to lose.”
“You could lose your boyfriend.”
Luka shoved his own hands into his pockets, mirroring Cane’s defensive stance. Another runner dodged them, and Luka walked to a nearby bench.
“If you don’t lose him as a partner, you might lose him to himself.”
“What do you mean?” Luka sat down, staring at everything around him except for Cane, who eventually moved to sit next to him.