Chapter 19 #2
The main thing right now is how comfortable I am in this bed.
He eases all my nerves. I don’t feel like I’m letting my guard down.
I feel like Sawyer’s protecting me, that nothing bad could touch me here under him.
It’s something I’ve never felt. It’s soft and secure and feels an awful lot like I trust him.
Do I trust him?
I’ve never trusted anyone.
“Do you want me to use a condom?” he whispers. “I’m negative, and I’m on PrEP, but if you want, I have some.”
I can’t stop myself. His handsome face is inches from mine, his hips between my thighs, his cock rubbing idly against mine. My fingers go to his hips. “When’s the last time you fucked someone?” I don’t know why I want to know. I don’t, right? But I feel like I need to.
His black brows pull together. “I’m not sure. At least a year. I was so focused on my mom and my bakery there wasn’t much time for fun.” He laughs awkwardly. “We can use condoms, it’s okay.” He kisses my head.
“I don’t want to.” I reach down, stroking him slowly and watching his eyes flutter at the touch. “I’m negative.”
“When was the last time for you?” he whispers. My body goes numb. Should I tell him? I don’t want to. It’s embarrassing. Instead, I shake my head. “It’s been a really long time.” Understatement.
He nods with a soft smile. “No condom, then. If you change your mind, that’s okay. About any of this, alright?” He kisses me quickly before reaching into his nightstand and grabbing a bottle of lube.
He rises onto his knees between my legs and squirts some into his hand.
Goddamn. He’s fucking beautiful. Up on my elbows, I drink him in, his tan skin slightly slick with sweat.
Every line and ridge of his abs is hard earned, and dark hair dusts a path down to his cock.
He’s big. Bigger than I may be ready to take, but I want him so fucking bad I could scream.
Sawyer looks at me, a slightly cocky smirk on his lips as he gives himself a slow stroke.
Fuck, I want it.
He covers me again, and his lips hover close to my ear. With his body pressed tightly to mine, his cock rubs against my ass as he slides two fingers inside me again. My back arches, and I hiss. “Careful,” he whispers and kisses my ear.
“I can’t help it.” I look up at him and my breath catches at the way he’s looking at me.
Face-to-face. It’s a lot. I’m not sure what’s happened in this bed this week, but I’m weak and willing to do whatever he asks. My eyes trail over every inch of his tan skin.
“Look at me.” I do, and I can’t look away. My legs widen on instinct as he slides his two fingers out then slips them back inside me. “Holy shit, baby.”
I swallow. My eyes flutter closed feeling him stretch me. I feel helpless in the best way, unable to do anything but feel the way his fingers open me up. “It’s good.” It’s amazing. “So good, Sawyer.”
“Your pretty cunt is squeezing me.” He smirks. “You want my dick bad, huh?” I nod fast. “You want me to fill you up?”
“Please.” I choke. “Fuck, that’s . . . holy shit.” He does that wicked thing with his fingers again and I moan loudly, unashamed of the noises that leave me. I feel it everywhere, humming in my toes, my spine, my balls. “More. More, holy shit.”
“Yeah?” He thrusts them inside while he fists himself. “Are you ready?”
Ready? No. Not for the oncoming feeling that’s threatening to consume me. It makes me think of Cam. How months ago he was desperately trying to make sense of his relationship with his now boyfriend. I told him it was stupid, and I was right. This feeling is stupid in the best way possible.
“Fuck me, Sawyer.” I need it.
I need it so I can get it out of my system and move the fuck on.
He slips his fingers out then lines his head up, slowly stroking my opening with the tip of his cock. A soft smile spreads on his lips. Damn he’s handsome. Painfully so.
“Fuck, Aiden,” he whispers, teasing his head along my rim and sending shocks of fire throughout my body. “So fucking pretty.”
“Give it to me.”
A small gasp leaves my lips at the pressure.
“You okay?”
I look down, noticing my fingers biting into the skin of his thigh. He gives me another inch. The fullness is more than I’m prepared for.
My hand slides over his thigh as I nod. “I’m fine.” He leans over me and it’s the worst fucking thing he could do right now. He pushes in a bit deeper, his dark eyes watching me with the calculated intensity of a predator. I feel like his prey.
Weak and submissive.
It feels like the best feeling in the world.
I’ve clearly lost my fucking mind.
It’s the only way to explain the way my arms wrap around his neck as he slides deeper. “Oh fuck, Aiden,” he whispers then dusts kisses across my lips as he thrusts slowly. “You’re squeezing me so tight, baby.”
I’ve already lost my mind. I hug him tighter, pull him deeper, as his hips fuck me in slow body-melting strokes that make every inch of my skin come alive. My fingers dive into his black hair, his lips on my neck, my jaw, then he lays a kiss between my eyes.
It shifts the energy, making the air heavier than anything I’ve ever felt. “Sawyer.”
“Your back okay?” he whispers.
My legs are wrapped tightly around him, and I’m clinging onto him like he’s the last lifeline I have to earth. Everything’s too heavy. It’s too much. The moment melting, becoming too sticky. It’s hard to wade through what I’m feeling.
“I’m fine.” I’m dying.
It has nothing to do with my back and everything to do with the man inside me.
He’s killing me and he doesn’t even know it.
My grip lessens, and I pull back to look at him.
His eyes sparkle like a star-filled night sky.
I’ve never seen anyone with eyes this bright.
He deserves everything good, and I’m the absolute worst person.
I’m less than nothing. All I do is take, like I’m taking his warmth now.
I’m taking it to keep, because once I’m done with this job I’ll have nothing.
I want to take this moment with me.
My back arches. I don’t even care about the pain anymore.
He jerks me slowly, his eyes never looking away, and a slow smile lifts the corner of his lips.
“I can feel how close you are.” He smiles bigger.
“Damn, Aiden.” He shakes his head then kisses me, and I moan into his mouth as our tongues play.
He takes his time. Kissing. Stroking. Fucking me so good I can’t remember what my name is.
He’s right. I feel that pressure and soft hum in my belly.
It feels too good. His own eyes mirror mine. “Can I come inside you?”
I nod fast. If this is the only time I’ll get him, I want everything. I want to feel him later when I’ve finally left. I want to feel how it’s supposed to be. “Fuck, I want it. You’re so deep.”
“You’re so beautiful, Aiden.” He kisses the corner of my lips.
I cling onto him tightly. “It’s so good.”
“Yeah?”
I nod fast.
“Wait till I have you sit on my face and let me eat this pretty cunt till you come.” He grins, and fuck, just the image of that in my head makes me groan. “ I want to take care of you.”
Fuck, I want that too.
“Sawyer, please.” The pleasure is searing. It’s too much. “Deeper.” Sawyer’s hand strokes my cock as his hips pick up speed, fucking me harder. He’s shaking. Barely holding on. “Fuck. Fuck. I’m coming. I’m coming, fuck, I’m coming.”
He jerks me through my orgasm. I grab his hips, spreading my thighs wider and taking him deeper. “Oh, fuck, Aiden. Fuck. Fuck, I’m gonna, fuck. Fuck.” He grips my hips and fucks me fast. I groan feeling him so deep. I’m still coming when I feel him let go inside me. “Holy shit.”
He drops down onto me, punching his hips slowly inside me.
I hold him, my fingers diving into his hair, and I kiss the side of his head.
This was a mistake.
Something foreign punches me in the throat. It’s tight. I can’t breathe. He laughs, boyish and adorable. I feel . . . Fuck, I feel horrible. This is awful. What the hell is wrong with me?
“Damn.” He chuckles then lays a kiss on my lips, not aware in the slightest that I’m breaking apart before his eyes. “Incredible.”
This was too much.
Instead of fighting it, I sag, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him in tight. He comes willingly, a little confused by the sudden rush of affection. Just a minute. I just want to cling onto this moment for a minute. “Thank you.” I press a kiss to his throat, breathing in the scent of him.
“I got you,” he whispers into my hair. I want to believe him. I want to fall into it, but I can’t. For now, I’ll pretend, though. I’ll pretend I can count on someone else for a change.
“I’m tired,” I lie.
I don’t think I could sleep if I wanted to. I just want to lie here with him and not think.
Sawyer slips out of my body, leaving me with this painful feeling. Empty. Hollow. I want him back. He stands, and I drink him in. “I’m going to shower quickly,” he whispers against my lips, then he drops a kiss between my eyes.
Then he’s back in bed. Sawyer’s arms wrap around me. My lungs ache. It’s hard to breathe. I don’t know what to do with this. I can’t process or make sense of what I’m feeling. It’s tight and uncomfortable and only gets worse with each passing second in this bed.
Then I hear his soft breathing as he sleeps, and I can’t do this anymore.
I take a breath and slip out of his arms. I find my jeans but keep his shirt, then I find paper and a pen. When I set the note on his nightstand my throat grows tight.
I’m so fucking selfish.
I don’t deserve good things like this. I don’t deserve to feel this happy. People like me don’t get happy endings and boys with bright smiles and airy laughs.
We get misery, and I refuse to drag him down with me.