Chapter 23 Aiden
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
AIDEN
I drive my knuckles into the bag.
Everything around me fades to the background.
Harder and harder.
The chain rattles with every hit. Sweat drips from my hairline into my eyes. I don’t bother wiping it away. I can’t focus on anything but the bag in front of me.
I need to burn this feeling away. I need to get control of this.
Since the Valentine’s event nights ago, Sawyer still hasn’t talked to me. I didn’t have to work Saturday or Monday, and I know I’m scheduled to go back tomorrow.
I wonder if his bakery is busy. I hope it is.
I shouldn’t be worried about any of this. Why am I worried about it? I have a damn job to do. Cold-hearted asshole. “Stupid,” I mutter between breaths. “Stupid. Fucking. Dumbass.” Every word punctuated with a strike.
Hit. Punch. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about the way he felt. The way he looks. Or the way those angry words hurt worse than a knife to my face or a belt to my back.
I should just tell Ivan I couldn’t find it. It’s not there. I just can’t do this anymore. What is he going to do? It’s not there. I’ve been in every area of his house and shop.
Katya comes to mind.
I have to do something. “This . . . is . . . fucking . . . stupid.” Pain ricochets up my arm. “Dammit.” I sag against the bag.
He’s just a fucking guy.
He’s driving me insane.
This right here. This is exactly why I’ve avoided bullshit like this. It’s useless. It’s not that it’s even matters. People bore the shit out of me, with their stupid fake problems and bitching. They don’t know how good they have it. They’re tedious. This is torture.
Even if I could give in, where does that leave my sister? As long as Ivan’s breathing, she’s not safe.
“Damn. Does that bag owe you money?” I lift off the bag, looking at Cam as he descends the steps. “Or are you imagining it’s that hot guy who was into Sawyer at the event?”
“It’s late. Shouldn’t you be home?”
Cam shrugs. “Bo’s having Noah friend time and Jamie’s busy. I’m just killing time until I can pick him up.” He grabs a pair of gloves. “You wanna spar?”
“Dammit.” Cam throws his arms up, sweating like a motherfucker as I pummel away. “The fuck did I do to you?” He swings hard, and the thing about Cam is he’s strong, but he’s no fighter. There’s no rhyme or reason to his swings. I have purpose when I fight. I know where to strike, where to attack.
I know how to end shit.
Cam’s weakness is in his ribs. I hit him there and it slows him down, a lot. The sounds of our leather gloves echo around the room. They’re sharp and aggressive but do nothing to calm the war in my mind.
Maybe if I hit him harder . . .
Yeah, that should work.
Cam’s breaths come out in steady bursts. “You’re swinging like you’re trying to knock me out!” he breathes. Sweat clings to his chest.
“Maybe I am.”
Cam blocks a hit then shoves me backward, letting his gloves drop to his side. “Seriously, what the hell, man?”
“What?” I take off my gloves and grab my water bottle. My brow lifts as I squirt water into my mouth. “What!?”
“Spill.”
I watch him, and my first instinct is to fight and deny. I’m just tired. It’s all bursting inside me. The other night was the best night of my life. Still, telling Cam . . . No thanks. “It’s nothing.”
Cam rolls his eyes. “Try again. I know something’s wrong.
” I sag against the ropes, deciding what to say.
As far as people go, Cam’s pretty safe. Yes he’s loud and obnoxious, but he’s also not the worst person.
I guess. “Doesn’t have anything to do with a certain baker now, does it? ” He grins, wiggling his thick brows.
“I hate you.”
“Fuck off, you love me.” Cam drags a large hand down his stomach. “Irresistible. At least that’s what Bo says.”
“Well, good to know he lies to you.”
Rolling his eyes, Cam pulls out a stool from the corner and sits down. “What’s up?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Try again.”
I sigh. “Fine!” I’m not getting out of this, am I? “It may or may not have to do with Sawyer.” My cheeks burn but I keep talking. “Something happened.”
“Sawyer?” He grins. “Good. He looks at you like you’re the last folded chip in the bag.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Folded chips are the best chips.”
“I’m leaving.”
“Dude, he’s into you. But I think you already know that. What’s the big deal? Ask him out.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Why?” I steady myself. “Sawyer could use some lovin’. That is one stressed-out man.”
I look beyond Cam, staring at the wall as I speak. “You don’t get it.”
“Look, you’ve been coming here for a bit now. You’re clearly a dude with some shit going on, but what’s the problem? You clearly like him, or you wouldn’t have been beating the shit out of a punching bag for the last hour and growling at anyone who came down here to use it.”
“There are things he doesn’t know about me,” I say quietly, deciding how much I should actually tell him. “Shit, I can’t explain yet. If he finds out—” I look away, swallowing hard. “And I don’t growl!”
“You literally growled that.”
“I’m going to hit you again.”
Cam’s brows turn up. “Aiden—”
I shake my head. “I can handle him not wanting me, not being interested. I’m used to being alone. I’m used to that. What I couldn’t handle would be him wanting me now and then changing his mind when he truly knows me.” My eyes widen with my confession.
Shit.
“Wow,” Cam says. “That’s heavy.”
I exhale shakily, leaning against the ropes. “I like him so much,” I admit. “And I hate it.”
Cam smiles. “I hear you.” He laughs. “I’ve been there, and if I’m not wrong, you called me stupid.”
“I didn’t call you stupid. I meant the idea of a relationship was stupid.” And it is. The dumbest shit ever. “I just . . . may understand now.”
“Uh-huh. And how much have you understood with Sawyer?” He grins maniacally. God he’s a demon.
The truth springs to my lips and I almost catch it. But instead of holding it back, I let it fly. “Something happened to me. Sawyer helped me out. I stayed with him. And I . . . I mean we slept together.”
His eyes go comically wide. “Wow. That’s a big deal. How do you feel?”
Like I’m never going to get who I was before that back. I left a piece of me in his apartment that night with him. “Awful.”
Cam nods. “Been there.”
“Incredible.”
“Also been there.”
I don’t know what to do. It changed everything. Or maybe I was already changing and Sawyer just put the final nail in my coffin. “Then I left him a note the morning after. He went to sleep and I left.”
Cam throws his head back, groaning. “Dude, running from your feelings never works. Believe me, I’m a professional runner.”
“There’s reasons I can’t do this with him.”
“But you did do this with him,” Cam says. “While sure, a lot of people can just hook up and go about their day like nothing, Sawyer’s not like that. If he had sex with you, it’s because he likes you, and leaving him like that probably fucked him up. No wonder he’s pissed. You need to talk to him.”
“I don’t know how.”
Cold-hearted asshole.
Cam walks up to me, and I wish it were months ago when this was him whining about his feelings. Life was much simpler. Horrible, sure. But simple. I miss simple.
“Doesn’t matter if you know how. Just do it. Then figure out the rest.”
I’m stupid. Or Sawyer’s made me stupid. I’m not sure which one. I’m still not sure what I’m feeling. My chest feels magnetic. My heart has guided my brain and body here to him. I look up and see no lights on, but I need to talk to him.
I walk around the building, taking the back steps up to his door, and knock. I wait but I don’t see a light flick on. Maybe he’s not here. I know it’s late, but I need to talk to him.
Finally the door opens and Sawyer blinks sleepily. “Whatever the fuck this is, I don’t want to hear it.”
He shuts the door and I catch it with my foot. “Sawyer—”
“Leave me alone, Aiden.”
“Wait. Please listen to me.”
“I’ve made it clear what you mean to me, and regardless of how you felt about the situation, leaving like that . . . That hurt. You hurt me.”
“All I did was leave.”
“I took care of you all week. Fuck, Aiden. How do you not feel this? Like at all. Do you understand how leaving like that made me feel? Thanks? That’s it, just thanks?
Even if you don’t give a shit about me, to leave me like that.
After everything. What happened between us was intense. It was different and you know it.”
I don’t know what to do. Every instinct I have twists and breaks. My plans crumble and it scares me how fast the words leave me. “I do care.”
“No. You don’t. Not like I need you to.” He goes to shut the door, and I stop it with my hand in the door frame. I don’t care if he slams it on my fingers; I need to talk to him. “Aiden.”
“Please let me in.”
“No. I’m done. You don’t want me and you keep toying with me because you’re bored. It’s bullshit.” He sighs. “I’m tired, okay? I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of giving chances to people who fuck with me, or to people who like me less than I like them.”
A lie springs to my lips, but I can’t force myself to say it. I should say I don’t give a shit and walk away. There’s too much riding on this, so why can’t I? This isn’t a crush. This isn’t some stupid, silly feeling. It’s heavy, and I don’t know if it means something, but it feels like it might.
I want him, and I’m selfish. So fucking selfish.
My fingers wrap around the edge of the door frame, and step through it.
I back him up into the house. “I’m fucking terrified.
” I lock the door. “And I don’t know how to do this.
I’ve never done this. I’m going to hurt you.
That’s the last thing I want, but I want you.
I can’t take how bad I want you. I thought I needed space from you, but how can I have space when you’re all around me, fucking up my head and my heart?
Sawyer swallows. “You act like you feel nothing.”