Chapter 20 Nora
NORA
Iwrap the shawl around my shoulders as I step out onto the veranda, needing a little space.
The cool air blows my curls and I inhale the damp autumn scent hanging in the air, surrounded by nature at this hotel in the middle of nowhere.
Another woman leans over the railing with a cigarette between her fingers, dressed in black. These are Evan's and Nate’s friends, not mine. I didn’t grow up here, so I’m unfamiliar with many people.
She straightens her spine and blows out a plume of smoke. “They get to you too, huh?”
I clutch my arms to my chest, holding my shawl in place. “Who?”
“The Stepford Wives.”
“Oh.” A smile tugs at my lips.
“Every time they pull out their phones to show me pictures of their precious princesses, I show them my cat’s arse.” She smiles, licking her top teeth. “A picture that is. Obviously, I don’t carry my cat in my bag.”
A small laugh bursts out of me. “I don’t have a cat.”
“You should get one. Animals help ease anxiety.” She offers me her packet of cigarettes.
“No thanks. I don’t smoke.”
She nods. “So you really are just out here to escape the onslaught of back to school photos like me?”
I nod with a smile. It’s not entirely untrue, even though I really came out here to cool down after dancing with Evan, and to think clearly about what’s happening between us.
“I’m so fucking glad I got out of this town. These people here are so small-minded. There’s a big wide world out there and all they want to do is procreate and live inside their little bubble.” She inhales another drag, the cherry flaring in the dim light out here.
I nod along, agreeing, but secretly I’m one of those people. “How do you know I don’t have any kids?”
She blows out a lungful of smoke. “You’re Nate’s wife, right?” She extends her hand. “I’m Karly. I know Nate and Evan.” Her lips quirk in the corner. “From school.”
“Oh. Right.”
“My point is, we don’t all want kids, but this lot think there has to be something wrong with you if you haven’t reproduced by the time you’re thirty.” She stubs her cigarette out on the metal railing. “Sorry, I’m venting.”
“It’s fine.” It’s refreshing, even though I probably would be one of those people if only we could procreate.
“There she is.” Nate’s voice booms from the doorway as he steps out of the wedding reception.
Evan follows behind with two bottles of water in hand.
“Nice to meet you,” Karly says. “Hi, Nate. Evan.” She moseys past them, heading back inside, leaving the three of us out here alone.
Nate places a half-drunk pint on a high table. His strong arms wrap around my waist from behind, his head resting on my shoulder as he kisses my cheek.
I turn my head and meet his mouth. “You smell like a brewery.”
He laughs against my lips. “Good. Means it’s working.”
Evan clears his throat and hands a bottle of water to my husband. “You should hydrate.”
I huff out a laugh. “I think he’s hydrated enough.”
Nate makes a noise of offence. “I’m not even drunk.”
Evan doesn’t speak, but he widens his eyes and raises his eyebrows.
“I’m tipsy. There’s a difference.”
Evan huffs, his warm breath fogging in the cool night air. “You’re wasted.”
Nate points at him. “And you’re not my wife, so your opinion is irrelevant.”
Evan snorts. “Thank fuck for that.”
Nate tucks his chin on my shoulder again.
I take the water from Evan, twisting the cap. “Thank you.”
Nate’s hand spreads over my belly and he kisses my cheek again as I take in the view of the woodland under the moonlight. “You good?”
I nod automatically, but the lie sticks in my throat.
“Doodles?” Evan says, as if he knows otherwise. His hand holds on to the metal railing next to mine. Mist hovers over the trees as if the forest has exhaled. “You don’t have to lie to us.”
I swallow hard, staring out at the fairy lights strung across the courtyard, glowing like little beams of hope.
Nate kisses the side of my head. “Do you want to go back inside?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to go back in there. Please don’t ask me to.” I’ve been masking all day and I’m emotionally drained.
“They’ve just announced the buffet. They have your favourites.”
“I can’t.” My voice wobbles. “I’m so tired of pretending I’m not dying inside while everyone else gets to live their normal, uncomplicated lives.”
Evan inches his hand along the railing until his little finger touches mine. Our eyes meet, and I hate that mine are sad and I’m ruining everyone’s night.
Nate turns me properly in his arms, forcing me to look at him. His eyes are bloodshot from drink and emotion, but he’s still the protective man I married. “We’ll go. I’m just gonna grab some food for the road.”
Evan shakes his head. “Do you ever think about anything other than your stomach?”
Nate gives him a dopey grin. “I need a beer sponge.”
“You need to sleep it off.”
I snort, the sound half laugh, half sob, and Nate holds me closer.
My breasts ache under the weight of his arms, heavy and sore, as if they’re holding secrets. As if my body is whispering I’m pregnant even when my brain is screaming don’t you dare get excited.
“I’ll get my jacket and meet you at the car.” Nate kisses the side of my head, then sways back inside, and I shiver as his heat evaporates.
“Come on.” Evan shrugs off his jacket and hooks it over my shoulders as we meander down the concrete steps and through the gardens to the car park of the hotel.
“I feel bad for not saying goodbye to everyone, and to the bride and groom.”
“I doubt anyone will notice we’ve gone. Besides, if you go back in there, you’ll never get out again. Not to mention everyone saying we’re lightweights for leaving early.”
Evan’s right. If I go back in there, I’ll get sucked into their conversations. More people will ask questions I don’t want to answer. I wish I had a pound for every time someone said Isn’t it about time you had a baby? As if I can just order one or go to Babies “R” Us and buy one off the shelf.
“You want to sit in the front? We can make drunk Nate sit in the back.”
“I’m happy in the back.” I open the back door and slide in behind the driver’s seat and pull on my seatbelt, my breasts aching again when touched.
My hands clasp over my stomach, and I silently pray this is the miracle we’ve been waiting for.
Despite the lines crossed with the three of us, if I’m already pregnant, we could probably go back to how things were before.
My chest constricts at the thought, but it’s probably for the best. I can’t ask for more from Evan. He’s given us so much already.
The passenger door opens, and Nate slides into the car, holding a plate piled with buffet food. You wouldn’t think he’d eaten a three-course meal today. “Mission complete.” He grins. “Got in and out with no one noticing.”
I roll my eyes, but the corner of my mouth lifts, and a small part of my chest loosens.
Nate shoves the plate towards me. “I got you picky bits.”
Mini spring rolls. Cheese on sticks. A few slices of quiche and a pile of cocktail sausages balanced precariously on top like a dare.
“You got my favourites.”
Nate’s grin falters at the emotion in my voice. The drunkenness slips, and underneath the bravado is my husband trying his hardest to make me happy.
“Course I did,” he says, rougher than before. “I’m not a complete prick.”
Evan mutters with a chuckle, “Debatable.”
Nate swings his gaze to him and raises an animated eyebrow. “So you don’t want these chicken satay skewers?” Nate lifts one and bites the end. “Mmm, still warm too.”
Evan pauses. “You didn’t.” Evan’s mouth parts as he takes two skewers from the plate. “Give me these before you drop them.”
Nate pulls the plate back so he can’t steal anymore.
Evan starts the car, skewers in his other hand. “You’re gonna throw up on the drive home.”
“I’m not gonna throw up.”
“You already look like you’re mentally apologising to your stomach.”
I pick at the cocktail sausages in my napkin as I silently say goodbye to the trees, the fairy lights, the dewy mist hovering like a veil over our world.
Everything blurs as we drive away into the darkness.
My eyes sting. I rub at the dull ache in my temple.
A headache from masking all day, no doubt, but I hold on to hope that maybe it’s a sign, like the soreness in my breasts.
A smile stretches across my face as Nate hand-feeds Evan a spring roll while Evan drives us home. Warmth spreads through my chest at having my two favourite men at my disposal, and I close my eyes remembering how they’ve always been my family.
The student accommodation always smells fusty with wet rugby shirts hung over radiators and muddy boots in the hall.
I step into the kitchen. A mountain of dirty pots covers the stainless steel sink, and the bin is overflowing with rubbish.
I roll my eyes. Nobody but me cares about the mess around here. I drop my sketchbooks onto the kitchen table and open the fridge for one of my brownies. If this lot has touched my brownies, I swear to—
One lonely brownie lies in the centre of the plate with a Post-it note.
My stomach flutters. I can’t even be mad at my mystery thief because these little notes always make me smile. I slip the Post-it into my pocket and pop the last brownie square into my mouth while I open the drawer for the cleaning gloves.
A little bit of sick rises in my throat, my features distorting as I rinse dried ketchup from a plate and soak coffee-stained mugs with warm water and washing-up liquid.
I should leave it for people to sort out their own mess.
Let it get to the point where they have to wash up as there’s no more pots left.
But I wanted to bake today, and there’s no way I can bake in this mess.
Or cook, for that matter. It’s a wonder everyone hasn’t got food poisoning.
“Hey, doodles.” Evan drops his bag onto the table and pulls out a clean tea towel. “Want some help?”
“Thank you. Although technically none of this is my mess, so it’s not me you’re helping.”
“It’s not my mess either. Some lazy twats in this building. Including your bohemian boyfriend.”
“I told you we’re not together anymore.”
He stops drying a plate, his lips unfurling into a smile. “I wasn’t sure if you’d got back together. I saw him talking to you the other day.”
“Are you stalking me, notebook?”
He bursts out laughing. “Notebook?”
My lips lift at the corner, and I flick water in his face. “Yes, notebook.” I nod to the table and his notebook. “You carry it everywhere.”
“Fair enough.”
“What do you even write in there?”
“Just notes.” He grins and flicks the tea towel my way. “Are you going home for half term?”
A huff escapes me. “No, I’m staying here.” I hand Evan another plate to dry. “I don’t really have a home to go back to.”
He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “What about your parents?”
“I don’t…” I give him my best fake smile. “My parents… they’re away skiing next week, so there’s no point going home.” There’s no point telling him the truth. I don’t need his pity or his charity.
“Skiing?” He puts the dry pots away in the cupboard. “You didn’t fancy skiing?”
I huff out a laugh and wave a hand over my soft curves. “Can you imagine me skiing?”
He shrugs a shoulder. “You could ski.”
I snort. “I’d last about twelve seconds before I rolled down the mountain like the Abominable Snowman.” I rinse another plate. “So what are you doing for half term, notebook?”
He leans his hip against the counter. “Going home with Nate.”
“You two live together?”
“No. I mean, we live near each other. I’ll go stay with my mum, and he’ll go home to his family’s house. His mum will make a fuss, do his laundry and fatten him up with homemade meals and baking.”
“Sounds nice.”
“His family is all right.”
“You say that like yours isn’t.”
He shrugs a shoulder. “It’s just me and my mum. She works a lot as a marriage counsellor, so I don’t get to see her much.” He quirks his lips. “It's ironic that she couldn’t save her marriage with my dad.”
“Do you still see him?”
“Now and then, but not very often. He lives overseas.” Evan lifts another plate from the draining board, dries it, and puts it away. After a long pause, he says, “You could come.” His voice is casual, as if he’s asking if I want to borrow a pen.
My hands pause in the sink, water running over my fingers. “Come where?”
He shrugs. “Home. Mum wouldn’t mind, and we have a guest room.”
Warmth floods my chest, and it’s terrifying. I’ve made it my mission not to get too close to people. It’s why I don’t have any real friends, but there seems to be no escaping Evan and his friend, Nate. They’re always here, being nice to me. I’m not used to it.
I straighten, wiping my hands on my leggings. “I’ll be fine, but that’s… really kind, Evan.”
“What’s really kind?” Nate says from the kitchen doorway.
Hairs prickle on the back of my neck. Heat blooms in my cheeks. How is it possible for his deep timbre to make me weak at the knees?
“Here, you can finish the dishes.” Evan throws the tea towel at his best friend. “I just told Nora she could come home with us for half term if she wanted to.”
He called me Nora, not doodles.
Nate clears his throat and comes to my side. “Do you not have anywhere to go?”
I pass him the pan I’ve just scrubbed. “Of course I do. My parents are away, so I’m staying here. It’s not a big deal.”
Nate dries the pan, studying me as if he knows the truth. “I’m staying here, too.”
“You are?” Evan says.
“Yeah. My family are… visiting my brother. He has some army thing.”
Evan rolls his eyes behind his glasses. “Oh yeah. I forgot about that thing.”
Nate smiles and I have a feeling he’s lying through his teeth, but he has nice teeth and I’m not upset about the lie at all.