Chapter 10
Jumping when Cyderial’s hands came to my shoulders, I realized I’d been sitting in stymied silence.
I had not heard his approach, far too distracted with the women’s pleas.
And I was far too young.
Addressing the ancient hybrid female, Cyderial gave a warning growl. “Miranda, I would appreciate it if you stopped antagonizing my mate. She has already told me she is not ready for motherhood.”
“She’s an adult, boy. More than capable of verbally sparring with me.” Standing as if she had any chance of meeting his height, Miranda seemed every bit an intimidating force of nature. “Besides, your dove is charming, and I want her to have her way. But I don’t want her heartbroken when she realizes what it’s going to cost. Better she hears it from us than one of the men if they sneak up to her when your back is turned. It would not have gone over well for you, General.”
Kneading my neck as if his physical tricks might actually work when I was practically vibrating with tension, Cyderial said, “I have already told them our children are not a current option.”
He discussed such things with his friends without discussing it with me?
“This has been an enlightening conversation.” My words were stilted, the way I rose from my seat graceless. “It was nice meeting all of you.”
Abandoning my drink and the women that might one day be my friends, I let Cyderial escort me away. My mind consumed with the dilemma of responsibility I was far too unprepared to shoulder.
A baby could buy other females’ freedom.
A child of mine who would suffer if taken to the academy.
And I would be choosing to do that to my baby.
I would also birth her, knowing she would be coveted by at least one of the fixedly staring males in the courtyard.
Clearly of a mind to take me home, Cyderial quickened his pace toward the courtyard’s exit. “Don’t let whatever Miranda said scare you. No one can force you to bear children, my love.”
“Wait.” Slowing my pace so he might give me a moment to think, I blurted out, “What if they’re right?”
Where I was caught in a mental tornado, Cyderial was steady as a mountain. He’d had ten years, after all, to consider much in my history and his intentions. He must have even known about the genetic irregularity. Had he not said something about samples being destroyed?
Suspicion must have been all over my face, his response seeking to assure me. “I will handle Miranda and the others. No one will mention this to you again.”
Pulling at his sleeve, I refused to budge another step. When he ceded to my will, I took his hand in both of mine and contemplated the weight of it, the things it could do, the people it had ended. Those hands had been used on my body and might someday hold my child.
Every last child inside me had been fathered by this man. And now those children had to be considered—far sooner than I would have preferred.
Meeting his waiting gaze, I said, “Please show me. Which of them want my daughters?”
“Our daughters,” he quickly corrected, unruffled as he pulled and warmed me against his frame. “All are worthy men, but that is beside the point. You are not ready.”
With a focused, unblinking stare, I took in the faces of every male in attendance, marking those who met my eye. “I wasn’t ready to be mated either, but here I am. Show me who they are.”
Begrudgingly, he pointed at three males, all of whom faced me fully so I might see them from head to toe. They were named, their rank listed, age offered last. Many were older than Cyderial.
General Aegir, the eldest. His hair was an unlikely shade of sliver, but his features maintained the ageless beauty of our kind. Tall and slender, he gave me the impression speed was his skill and that he would be very deadly with a sword.
General Boreal. Broad-shouldered and built thick. Dark skin, dark hair, tight curls, and a face that looked as if it had never smiled.
General Murdoch, younger than the rest, wore his hair long and unbound. Chestnut-brown and wavy, it caught the light. But that was not his defining feature. His mouth set in a permanent smirk, I had the impression he might’ve been the most dangerous of the three.
“And the boy who chased me, begging for my name?” That one in all his terrifying enthusiasm might want my child too.
“Died outside the gates of the academy.”
Good. I would have killed him myself if he had charged at my child in such madness. “What about the man from the bar who helped me?”
“He has already contacted me, asking to be considered. I have not responded, but I admire his restraint in helping you escape.”
Unsure what drove me to do it, I closed the distance between our bodies. Fitting under his arm and flush to his side while I measured my child’s potential suitors. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“What would it have changed? You have a lot to process right now. Children will happen in their due time.” He made his choices appear so sensible, his voice easy, and he snuggled me closer. “Every daughter we have will be mated regardless. That is the nature of our kind. These men will be excellent mates. Our sons may have a difficult time finding their own companions though.”
An angle I had not yet considered. “This isn’t shocking to you. Not after you’ve had ten years keeping my song a secret from those same men. Of course my daughters might be of value. Of course you would want their mates to take exceptional care of them. That is why you are supporting me.”
Grim, he measured my expression. “You are oversimplifying a complicated topic. Our unborn daughters are not my current concern. My focus is entirely on you.”
“I have come out into a world that isn’t at all what I thought it would be. Everything is so complicated, and a great deal of it is dangerous. I love children.” And I did—I always had. “And I want to help them. But this…?”
He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, breathing in the scent of my hair. “You can help them by being a good teacher.”
That kind of help would be nothing but a bandage on a festering wound. “The changes I want made within the academy… you will not concede to them. You will have your reasons, and maybe they might even be sound. But even if you gave me what I want, it will not change the cycle of our creation, training, or nature. If you were me, if you could enact real change in a way that would not cause violence, you would do it.”
His darker side had come out to play, the one that had ripped my handmade dress so he might get to the soft flesh underneath. Except now, it was my morals he tore through, tucking me tight to him, no matter who watched. “There is no guarantee those males will not try to kill one another to see who will have the first-born daughter. I was prepared to kill any of my old friends for you.”
It was so strange to think one of those men staring right at us might have had me, that even now they might covet and resent. Each of them was beautiful to look at, but were they kind? Would they have put me before a reflection and showed me what the pain of opening produced. Would they have read the journals and practiced sexual arts to make sure each knotting was thrilling?
What evils had they done to bloody their hands? I was not ignorant enough to think that each did not carry their own ugliness. They would have to, and two of them were very, very old. I could only image the things they had done.
There was something very comforting about being wrapped in his strength. I didn’t resist it but leaned into him, my ear to his chest as I said, “It is demoralizing that this is the price it would cost to urge males to treat us with dignity. Ironic that they would only do it to satisfy their own urges, not because their unborn mates deserve better.”
My openness to accepting his comfort earned me a beautiful, rumbling purr. “Better is debatable, my love. What you think is best are freedoms I would love to provide you with but, in the world as it is, are ultimately dangerous. Someday, I will be able to give you everything you want, if you would just be patient with me.”
The truth was, bonded, I had no one else in the world to rely on. That knowledge in the female mind, the tiny seed that made even the most incompatible mates somewhat tolerable.
I craved comfort; I always had, and I would drink it down even if given by such a man. That did not make me a bad person; it made me a broken one. “You suggested that we take this one day at a time. Today, I found out selling my daughters is the price for the smallest modicum of female freedom. That we will not be given respect simply because we deserve it. We are your slaves.”
“You are not my slave.”
Of course I was. He could do whatever he wished to me, and I could not prevent it. “The fact that I am considering having a child despite strong feelings to the contrary is a clear sign the world is defective, and our kind may not deserve the existence we have been given. Males have learned nothing from the humans.”
Catching my chin, he stole my attention away from the men and made me meet his eyes. “You are not my slave.”
“Really?” He could delude himself all he liked, feign his innocence, and reduce all his behaviors down to biology, but I could prove my point with one request. “I’d like to go into the fog, right now. Were I not bound to your will, I would do that. We both know you will prevent me, claiming it is for my own good. I am not free in the slightest.”
His pupils contracted in a flash. “The fog is dangerous.”
“Have you ever considered I enjoy the danger? I know myself. You can rewrite the story of me in your mind a million different ways, but that will not change I belong in the fog, and you have confined me and will never let me anywhere near it.” The sound of his hearts beating fast under my ear warned me I was approaching a dangerous place. Still, my point had to be made. “Every female here is a slave to her mate’s will. Each one of them knows exactly how horrible the thing is they asked of me. I even think any one of them would do it if the roles were reversed.”
“I would not be so sure. All of them have refused to bear children despite our low numbers and great need.”
He really did not understand why.
Blinking at him, I finally realized I would never fully puzzle him out. Males and females were not the same on any level. It was as if we were entirely different species.
The question now was if males were a parasite, or was there some symbiotic payoff to them having ultimate control?
“What are you thinking?”
To tell him my thoughts would not help anyone, so I translated them into something parallel and honest. “That I appreciate how well you cook.”
An instant shift in temperament came with my confession, Cyderial smirking just a touch. “Distracting me with flattery will not work.”
Trilling my talons over his heart, I smirked right back. “I was making a mental list of ways your subjugation might benefit me. I really enjoy the food.”
“You are not a pet, and you are not a slave. You are not even a wife. You are so much more. You are my mate.” Warm hand working the tension from my nape, he purred, “I see you do not fully understand what that means, but you will, in time.”
“If our daughters were taught these things and treated with respect, they would go into a mating bond and not be as conflicted as I am. If half our species is unhappy, then as a whole, our species is failing.” Lowering my voice, I whispered, “To wake up from a nightmare of assault with the only comfort you’ll ever know offered from the man who terrorized you. Can you understand how awful that is? Those women, maybe most hybrid women… that is their reality. Just because the males have normalized it does not mean it is acceptable.”
“I agree.”
Three beats of my hearts, I waited for him to justify his sins. Hadn’t I heard it already? Even Miranda shared the ugliness of our start to the women at the table with her subtle hint that if I had not pushed him to act, he would not have raped me. But Cyderial did not say such a horrible thing.
My cheek went back to his chest, my eyes scanning a courtyard full of people openly staring and others pretending they were not. “You’re a walking contradiction, and it confuses me. Miranda seems to worship the ground you walk on; others fear you will cause them or their mate harm. You let me grow up under difficult conditions so I might think I was free to make my own choices. Yet took me all the same when the ruse worked. I did think I could be free, until I was not. Now, here I am with my own kind, not even a graduate, addicted and contained, and they are all staring at me as if expecting something important.”
Thumping softly, proud, he said, “When I heard your song, the obsession was instant. Even now, you touching me freely gives me contentment I cannot describe. Trust that nature is wise. I did not waste time on regret that you were only a child. I used the fact to force myself to grow worthy of you. You have had only a handful of days to adjust, and there is so much you may not understand for a while. Explore what is between us, and stop wasting time on quick self-judgment.”
I drew in a deep breath, enjoying the scent of him. He was right. I was already in knots, concerning the fact that pressing against him in that way at that time was comforting to me, and angry with myself for allowing it.
What was the sense of pointless suffering? No one would benefit if I made myself a martyr.
Least of all me.
After a deep breath, I offered something personal, exploring what it might mean. “When I would come into your office, it always smelled so nice in there. I thought it was the flowers, so I would stare at them and appreciate their beauty as I reminded myself that if I could get through the meeting, my life might not be in jeopardy for another year. If I had known the scent I loved so much was you, I might have seen you in a different light. No boy or Watcher ever smelled good. It may have been a sign, like a female’s song. If I had known that, it would have given me perspective to consider you.”
“Loved?” I heard the smile in his voice. “What do I smell like?”
I didn’t want to regret speaking of something deeply intimate, so I simply said, “Warm and sweet. Like cake.”
Softly chuckling, he stroked me from nape to sacrum. “I would note what you stared at longest every time you came, and I’d collect more of what I found you to prefer. That is why there are so many plants.”
An honest laugh bubbled out of me, taking with it some of the tension. “I do like your toxic flowers.” Feeling his fingertips dance up my spine, I asked, “Have any females written journals? Was scent ever mentioned as a precursor?”
He rumbled a lazy response. “Not that I know of.”
Humming, I didn’t like that at all. “Most may not have known their mate before they were claimed. They might not know the scent before the males use it to drug them. It might even mean they do not care for the smell afterward, as it would signal danger. That is sad.”
“Your experiences were singular. You could write them down.”
“Unmated females are forbidden from reading such things. Males would read it though, wouldn’t they? Hoarding all the information for themselves. Unless things change, there is no point in sharing my secrets.”
Eyes glued to General Aegir, who ventured closer, I said, “And change will not come without good men willing to admit our world is broken. Only a worthy man would have one of my daughters.”
The stranger’s eyes were dark, like mine, his stature almost as imposing as Cyderial’s. Approaching without invitation, General Aegir dared speak to me. “I could be made worthy, if you tell me what I must do.”