15. Jack #2
I rip the wires off my chest and finger, shoving the blankets away as I stand. The hospital room is too bright, the light hitting my eyes like knives, and i can feel the walls start to press in, shrinking, tightening, squeezing the air out of my lungs.
I can’t breathe.
My hand claws at my hair. My other hand scratches the back of my neck, nails digging in until I feel the sting, and my panic increases as I feel my throat close, sealing tight.
My feet carry me as I pace, fast and frantic, like the stray dog they always told me I was.
My throat is raw and thick with tears as one name drags out of me. “Sol…” His name uttered on a sound that barely exists.
Eli steps in front of me, blocking my path. “Jack. Look at me. You have to breathe.”
I shake my head as tears run hot down my cheeks. My knees give out, and I drop to the floor. Pain shoots up through my knees, sharp and blinding, as my palms slap onto the cold floor. Fuck.
I need to breathe. I can’t breathe.
“Jack?” Finn’s voice trembles as he kneels beside Eli. “Jack, please breathe. Listen to Eli. You have to breathe.”
A groan tears from my throat. My body starts rocking, slow and mechanical, like something inside me has taken over.
Eli reaches out.
His fingers brush my shoulder.
The touch burns, and I flinch so hard I throw myself backward until my spine hits the metal frame of the bed.
“Nn… No!” I scream, as my body convulses uncontrollably as the terror starts to flood every part of my body. Everything I’ve been holding back since I ran from my dad and uncle hits me at once, completely dragging me under.
It feels like quick sand. Slow at first, then fast. There is no rope to pull me out, no hands to save me. No voice. No Silas to ground me. There is nothing that will get me out of this paralysing fear.
The room fades as the light blurs. My body feels far away, like it belongs to someone else. My fingers twitch against the cold floor, the bed hard against my back, and I feel none of it.
My breathing is now in a rhythm I can’t control.
My mind now is dragging me back to that dark place I used to hide when they locked me away. The place where I counted scratches on the wall and tried to pretend my body wasn’t mine.
I drag my fingers along the cold hospital floor, and my mind snaps then.
I can smell the cold cell, feel the damp seeping into my skin. As I drag my fingers along the floor, I feel the dirt beneath my nails.
My mind has now stepped back, leaving completely.
I’m still here, but I’m not in my body anymore. I’m watching from somewhere far away. Watching Finn cry. Watching Eli reach for me. Watching me, as my body shakes and gasps for air. My fingernails breaking as they claw at the floor.
I can’t stop it.
I can’t breathe.
I’m no longer in control.
* * *
I feel something shift in the room. It’s something familiar that my body recognises. It reacts to it, trying to reach for it. I feel my body change as I hear the footsteps.
“Dove.”
His voice hits me like a shockwave.
“Nn…ah,” my eyes move to his voice. He’s here.
My Sol is here.
My head won’t move and my body is still locked tight in its paralysis, my lungs fighting for air as my fingers still twitch against the cold floor.
He kneels in front of me, my eyes on him, begging him to make this stop. To bring me back. Eli still kneels beside me, Finn crying next to him. And I watch as Silas takes it all in a millisecond.
“Jack?” his voice laced with terror and concern. “Dove, look at me.”
I watch as Eli and Finn move to the side giving Silas more room to get to me.
“His body has taken over. I’ve called a doctor, we may have to sedate him.” Eli says quietly to Silas.
“Like fuck.” He says, as his hand rests on my cheek. “Baby, look at me.”
I make a small noise, a mewl, a whine, a sound, because I want to look at him. I want to more than anything, but I can’t move.
My mind is still in that dark place, the one I go to over and over until it becomes a cage I can’t always escape.
I watch as Silas holds my check with his good hand, his other arm held in a sling. His palm is warm against my skin, his touch is careful. “Jack, baby. Come back to me.”
Eli looks up at him, eyes wet. “He can’t breathe. He’s stuck. He’s having a anxiety paralysis episode. His autonomic nervous system has shut down.”
“Fucks sake, Eli. Speak english.” Silas growls.
“It means his mind has shut down. He can’t physically move anything. We normally sedate people when they get like this.”
Silas shakes his head, not look away from me. “You are safe, Jack. No one can get to you. I’m here now, baby. You’re safe. Just breathe for me, dove.” Silas takes my hand and places it on his chest. “Follow my breathing, Jack. Come on. You’ve got this.”
I try so hard to match the rise and fall of his chest, but air won’t come freely into my lungs.
Finn’s voice cracks behind me. “He’s not breathing. Jack, you have to try!” Finns’ panic shakes every word. “He is not coming back. Eli, help him, please.” Panic fills his voice as he watches me slip toward unconsciousness.
My eyes lock on Silas and his hold mine, sharp and steady, trying to pull me back with sheer force of will.
He leans in. His lips touch mine, feather light, his head so close, everything disappears behind him. “Dove,” he whispers. “I am right here. Come back.”
Darkness threatens to engulf me again, but my chest seizes, I can’t. It won’t let me. I feel like I’m drowning as my throat burns as I try to drag in air, my vision blurring again.
“Fuck this.” Silas shifts closer, pulling me into his lap. His arms wrap around me tight, almost painful, his forehead touches my temple, as his hand stays on my cheek, warm and grounding.
“Jack.”
Silas’ tone changes. It drops low, steady, controlled. The kind of voice that cuts through the noise. It’s his tone that has pulled me out of nightmares and put me into my sub-space. My place where I’m safe with him.
It hits something deep inside me, something old.
Something trained.
Something that still reacts before I can think.
My body obeys him. It always does when he uses that tone, and I gulp for a breath, and a sharp, jagged painful sound tears from my lungs. My eyes still locked on Silas’ face; I see relief flicker across his face.
“That is it, baby,” he murmurs. “Good. Try another breath. Stay with me.”
His lips brush mine again, soft and steady, and I feel him. My fingers twitch and Finn squeezes my wrist tightly.
Eli wipes his face, still whispering my name. My hand stays on his chest, but all I see is Silas.
“Jack,” Silas says again. “Breathe, baby. Give me another one.”
That tone again, and my body obeys, and I drag in another breath.
Then another.
My lungs fight, but they open slowly. My body shakes violently, but I’m breathing.
Silas exhales slowly, his breath ghosting across my skin. His shoulders drop as I feel the tension bleed out of him.
“There you are, dove.” His voice is soft. “Good boy.”
My vision clears enough to see him fully. His eyes are red. His face is tight with a fear he is trying to hide. His hand still holds my cheek. His lips barely touch mine.
I swallow hard, my voice barely a rasp. “Sol.”
He nods, “Hey, dove…“ His eyes softening even more. “I am here.”
I turn my body, completely curled into him. I shift my shaking hand toward him. It’s small, weak, barely a movement, but he sees it. He kisses me, gentle pressure, grounding warmth, and I breathe him in, as his lips stay touching mine.
My breath mingles with his, and I pull his breath into me, and my lungs move again, and this time– they keep going.
Finn wipes his face with his sleeve, and I hear Eli let out a shaky exhale. Silas doesn’t move, his forehead staying pressed against mine, our breath mingling as I pull life back into my lungs.
“You are okay,” he whispers. “I’ve got you.”
And for the first time since the paralysis hit, I believe my Sol.
* * *
I wake slowly, the world soft around the edges, my body heavy in that familiar way it always is after I crash.
It feels like I’ve been asleep for days, dragged through mud, then beaten with a heavy bat.
But, I’m warm, and my breathing is steady.
Then I feel him.
I remember his voice pulling me back. Remember falling asleep in his arms while we sat on the floor. The sound of him whispering in my ear. But, what I don’t remember is being put back into bed, and I notice that the bed I am in now isn’t the same one from this morning.
It’s bigger. Big enough to fit me, and Silas’s huge frame.
I look at him while he sleeps, and I lift my hand, my fingertips trace his cheek, his brow, then I run my finger tip down his nose, letting it come to rest on his lips.
I look at his arm, held in a sling as it rests between us, and my finger moves to caress his shoulder lightly.