Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
Jessie
Eli has been a gem all morning. She took a long nap in her bassinet after her bottle, which gave me time to take a shower and change back into yesterday’s clothes, minus the dirty panties, which I stuffed into my purse.
There are few times in my life when I lose control of myself and agree to things that I shouldn’t, but this morning was one of them.
Agreeing to help Walker until he finds a nanny isn’t just a minor inconvenience; it’s a catastrophe waiting to happen. I can already sense the old feelings that I’ve shoved deep down inside of me making their way back up.
Seeing him doing something so mundane as tying a tie this morning should not have rendered me momentarily speechless. It was as if he were moving in slow motion and the world around us ceased to exist.
Not. Good.
But that’s the Walker effect. He’s always had this magnetic energy around him that my mind and body seem to be in tuned with in a way I’ve yet to experience with someone else.
Too bad that kind of chemistry is wasted on a man who sorely disappoints me every chance he gets.
The front door opens, and Walker comes rushing in like he’s jacked up on cocaine. He marches toward me as Eli rests on my chest while I try to get a burp out of her.
“Uh, is everything all right?” I ask as he paces back and forth.
“It’s fine. Everything’s fine,” he spits out quickly. “Why do you ask?”
His jacket and tie are gone, sleeves rolled up, and the top three buttons of his shirt are undone. His hair is disheveled.
“Um, you have a strange amount of energy.”
He doesn’t stop moving the entire time. It’s unnerving to watch.
He motions at me with his hand like I’m crazy. “It’s no biggie. The first five cups of coffee this morning did nothing to curb how tired I was, so I drank four energy drinks.”
My eyes probably look like a cartoon character who was just run over. “Walker!” I whisper-shout so I don’t scare Eli. “That’s insane! You’re gonna have a heart attack.”
“It’s fine, Jessie. I talked to my senior partners this morning, got in good face time with them for an upcoming case that I want assigned to me, I prepped and got ready for court, AND,” he says loudly after a pause to breathe, “I got on the phone with the top nanny agency in the city. Had to pull some strings, talk up the big names that I know, but she’s sending over a nanny for me to interview tonight. ”
I’ve never seen him like this. He is normally so cool and collected, like nothing can penetrate his icy exterior.
I’m not sure I feel comfortable even leaving him like this while I go home.
But I need to go home. I need clothes. I have to get some work done.
I need space to get back to the Jessie who doesn’t give a fuck about the asshole in front of me.
Right now, she’s fading away, and I don’t like it. It’s disconcerting.
“Are you going to be okay if I leave?”
He stops for a beat. “You’re coming back though, right? Remember the shopping.”
A laugh bubbles out of me. “Yes, I remember the shopping. I’ll be back after dinner for bedtime.”
“But I need you here to help interview the nanny. I don’t know what questions to ask.”
“You’re a corporate lawyer at one of the most prestigious firms in the city. You can’t come up with some questions to ask a nanny?”
His face falls. “No. Like, what if I forget to ask something important? Something that could mean life or death for Eli?!”
The mere idea has him pacing around the room again like the Hulk, ready to transform. I can’t watch him like this; it’s painful.
“Fine. What time is the interview?”
“Six,” he replies quickly.
“I’ll be here. Just calm yourself down before I hand over Eli. You’re too worked up.”
He stops and breathes in, counting to himself, then exhales, all while keeping his hands on his belly.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“I don’t know. Some belly-breathing thing that we did in yoga. Eva made me go one time. Told me it would help with my stress at work.”
“Ugh, yoga.”
He opens his eyes and looks at me curiously. “Don’t like yoga?”
“I like yoga just fine. Hot yoga, which Eva dragged me to the other day? That’s another story. I hate hot yoga more than I hate you.”
“Wow.” He chuckles to himself. “That’s a pretty high standard it had to beat. I feel honored to have fallen from number one on your list. Thank you, hot yoga.”
I try not to smile, but I know the smirk is written all over my face. He smiles back at me, and there’s a pause as we seem to lose ourselves in a moment where all walls have been dropped.
Then Eli fusses in my arms. It breaks the spell and reminds me how easy it can be to forget why I don’t like him.
I stand from the couch now that he is a bit calmer, then hand him Eli. “Here you go. I’ll be back before six.”
I don’t wait for a reply. Instead, I grab my purse and march out the door, desperate for fresh air. The moment I hit the streets, I feel like I can breathe again.
This is dangerous. I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s already messing with my head. I should text him now and tell him the deal’s off. I don’t need that shopping spree, though I would love to spend his money. Being a family lawyer who does a lot of pro bono work doesn’t pay very well.
But I’m comfortable. I can afford a decent place in the city and live a modest life while helping those who don’t have the money to help themselves. It works for me. But it doesn’t leave room for an amazing wardrobe.
I want to back out … and yet I know I won’t. I’m weak. I have a soft spot for him. I care too much about him to leave him high and dry. That’s the unfortunate reality of the predicament I find myself in.
Luckily, I have an amazing boss. Lorain was very understanding when I told her I had some personal matters to attend to this week. I told her I would do as much work as I could from home—that being Walker’s home.
I know I can’t tell Eva the news, but I need somebody to talk to. The only other person I can think of is my dad. He’s always the sound of reason in my life. Someone who can smooth out the rough edges that shape me.
As I pack a suitcase to have at Walker’s I pick up my phone and dial his number.
He answers on the first ring, like usual.
“Hey, Jessie girl. I’ve been thinking about you,” he says cheerfully.
I chuckle. “You always say that when I call.”
“What can I say? I think of you often.”
His response warms my heart. “Aw, I don’t believe you, but I appreciate it nonetheless.”
He laughs. “How’ve you been? I’ve been wondering when my favorite daughter was gonna come home to visit next.”
“I know; I know. I’ll definitely be home for the holidays, Dad.”
“It’d be nice to see you before then.”
I sigh. I know I need to go home more often, if only to see him. Whenever I think about going home though, I hear my mother’s incessant judgments about how I choose to live my life.
“I’ll try,” I reply to soothe him for the time being. “But I actually was calling because I need to vent.”
His tone shifts to one of concern. “Something wrong, sweetie?”
“I’m fine. It’s just … I’m helping a friend out with something. It’s big … and I promised to keep it from Eva until he was ready. But it’s a lot.”
“What could you possibly need to keep from Eva? Who’s asking you to do this?”
“Walker,” I bite out with frustration.
I dive into a long-winded explanation of how we got to where we are today, which is me currently throwing clothes into a suitcase aggressively.
When I’m done talking, I stand, hand on my hip, in front of my bed, waiting for his reaction.
“Wow,” he replies neutrally. “That’s … not what I expected.”
“I know. It’s absolutely crazy. And he is acting like a baby himself, not able to figure out how to make a bottle or change a diaper. Now, he claims he doesn’t know how to interview a nanny and needs my help.”
Dad catches me off guard by chuckling on the other end of the line. “That’s not that crazy.”
“What do you mean? Of course it is,” I demand.
“Men don’t have that natural instinct when it comes to babies. If he hasn’t been around a baby before, I can see why he would feel helpless. I certainly would.”
“Get out of here. You’re a great dad. A natural.”
“I appreciate that, but I can assure you when your brother was born … I was terrified. I didn’t know a thing about what to do with a baby. I was afraid I would hurt him somehow.”
I roll my eyes. I wanted my dad to make me feel better. This isn’t what I had in mind.
“I’m just saying,” he continues, “go easy on the guy. He has a lot on his plate at the moment and could use a break. I think it’s great that you’re helping him. He’s a good kid. I’ve always liked him.”
It may come off as completely immature, but I’m not thrilled about the fact that my own father likes the one man who doesn’t deserve his approval. If only he knew the way Walker has treated me. How he uses women and tosses them out like they mean nothing to him.
Since I can’t exactly share our whole sordid history, I decide getting off the phone is my best bet. I’m in no mood for a Walker praise fest.
“That’s great. Hey, Dad. I’m sorry, but I have to run.”
“All right, Jessie. I miss you.”
“Miss you too. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I hang up the phone and hang my head in defeat. Am I the only one who’s seen the dark side of Walker? It’s like everybody around me thinks he’s this stand-up guy. It’s frustrating, being his sister’s best friend. I wish I could just hate the guy and never see his face again.
But even I know those words aren’t exactly true. There’s a deep, sick part of me that is glad I still have a reason to keep him in my life. What kind of twisted torture is that? I think I might need to see a therapist about this. It can’t be healthy.
I get to Walker’s place fifteen minutes later, knocking on his door with a big suitcase and tote bag. He opens the door, and my body instantly forgets how to breathe.