Chapter 18 #2
Then his eyes settle on Eli, and my entire body breaks out into a cold sweat. I know what he’s thinking.
There goes his career.
My father has been living vicariously through me for years now, following my career and always offering advice on how to one-up everyone around me.
“Walker”—his words come out clipped and disapproving—“can I have a moment alone with you?”
“I don’t believe that’s necess—” I start but Jessie jumps in front of me.
“No, it’s fine. I’ll take Eli. She probably needs to be changed after that long car ride.”
You’ve got this, she mouths to me as she takes the car seat from my hand.
I allow her to walk away with my daughter as my parents stand cold and still in front of me.
“What have Decker and Maxfield said about this?” he asks, telling me exactly what his concerns are.
No questions about Eli herself. No acknowledgment that they have two granddaughters. Just the concern of what this means for my career.
“I haven’t told them yet,” I bite through clenched teeth that threaten to break under the pressure.
“And where is this child’s mother?” my mother cuts in.
“My daughter’s—your granddaughter’s—mother is not in the picture anymore. I didn’t find out about her until two weeks ago, when she showed up with Eli and told me she couldn’t handle being a mother.”
Mother gasps. “Oh dear. Who would do such a thing?”
Well, I suppose at least my parents never abandoned me. They have that going for them.
My father remains stoic in his posture. “And how exactly do you plan on balancing work with a baby? I’ve heard through the grapevine that Decker and Maxfield are on the verge of signing a major pharmaceutical case.”
“Yeah, they just signed this week.”
His eyes show the only hint that he’s interested, opening wide as they hold mine curiously. “Well … are congratulations in order?”
The weight in my chest is crushing. For years, I’ve killed myself, trying to be the son he could be proud of, and now I can see it slipping through my fingers. All he sees is failure, weakness. And, damn it, I hate how much it matters to me.
But there’s something new creeping up inside of me. Anger, resentment. All these years, I’ve put aside my own happiness, working insane hours, missing experiences I’ll never get back—all to be second best.
It didn’t get me anything but self-loathing. In two weeks of having Eli, I’ve laughed and smiled more than the last decade.
“No, I opted out of the opportunity,” I admit, not exactly the full truth, but close enough.
“Please tell me you’re joking,” he says, disappointment written all over his face.
“I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but I couldn’t handle the workload that case would bring while taking care of Eli. Now, unless you’re suggesting I abandon my daughter and give her away to some stranger, I imagine you would agree there wasn’t much that I could do.”
He pulls his shoulders back, meeting my challenge head-on as he realizes he can’t counter that without looking like a dick. “Very well. I suppose there will be other opportunities.”
I nod my head. “Right.”
My mother looks between my father and me like she isn’t sure what to do or say next. “Let’s join the others. It’s not proper to hide away for too long.”
That’s her way of trying to put an end to this confrontation, and I appreciate it. I wouldn’t have been able to handle much more of his judgment.
We walk into the family room, where they are all eating off of the hors d’oeuvre trays put out by the chef. Jessie is holding Addie while Eva holds Eli, both acting silly and goofy in an attempt to get them to smile.
The sight loosens the ache inside of me. Then Jessie’s eyes meet mine, and everything feels like it’s going to be okay. I have to stop myself from rubbing the part of my chest that continues to ache with affection for her.
Eva smiles up at our parents. We’ve always had a difficult relationship with them. Eva, being the baby girl in the family, has taken less of the brunt of their suffocating expectations. Sure, she’s had pressure, but they end up coming around to whatever she wants—especially my father.
I’m not saying I’ve wanted him to be tougher on her, but maybe not so brutal with me.
“Isn’t this great?” she asks as they watch her bouncing my daughter, who is standing on Eva’s knees. “Addie has a cousin. They’re only three days apart. She’s so precious. I can’t wait to go shopping with them. Won’t that be so fun, Mother?”
If I’m not mistaken, there’s a glimmer of a smile taking over her face, but it’s gone before I can be sure.
“Dinner is ready,” their chef announces, which pulls from the focus of the babies.
Dinner drags like an eternity. I hear the scrape of silverware, the low hum of conversation, but none of it feels real.
My food might as well be cardboard—I can’t taste a damn thing.
I’m too busy choking on the anger twisting through me, the sadness sitting heavy in my chest. Every smile, every polite word I give is nothing but a mask, and it’s slipping faster with each passing minute.
On the way back to the city, the babies sleep in their car seats in the middle row, and Jessie and I sit crammed in the third row; I barely notice how scrunched I feel as I stare out the window, watching the city lights come into view as I wonder what the hell I’m doing with my life.
I do my best to smile and thank Jessie for coming when we park outside of her apartment, but it’s hard for me to disguise the storm brewing inside of me.
Eli’s fingers curl tight around my thumb as she drifts to sleep, the bottle slipping from her lips.
My chest cracks open at the thought of her growing up without a mother’s love.
A tear escapes before I can stop it—because if she ever feels even a fraction of the emptiness my parents carved into me, it’ll destroy me.
Anger still courses throughout my body, even after I put a sleeping Eli into her bassinet and tiptoe out of the bedroom.
I start to pace back and forth as I try to settle the tension that keeps building up inside.
I should get into the shower and get some sleep.
I have the entire week ahead of me. But I can’t seem to settle the racing thoughts.
I have no outlet for all of this built-up resentment.
Resentment at my parents for not being the parents I needed them to be, at my father for always making me feel like my best isn’t good enough, and at Eli’s mom for having the audacity to abandon her baby and put that kind of trauma on her.
A knock at my door stops me in my tracks. I’m still fuming as I take hard, furious steps to see who is bothering me at this time on a Sunday night.
My hand cuts the handle to the right and pulls the door open. Jessie stands there in the same clothes she wore at dinner with a bag slung over her shoulder.
I can’t imagine what kind of disaster I must look like through her eyes.
Hollow. Broken. Barely holding it together.
My mouth opens, but nothing comes out—because before I can speak, Jessie does.
She closes the distance in a heartbeat, her hands fisting my shirt as her lips crash into mine, fierce and certain, like she can kiss away every jagged piece of me I’ve been trying to hide.
I drag my hands under her shirt and up to her waist and kick the door shut.
“I need a shower,” she whispers into my mouth.
A small smile spreads across my lips as I continue to move them along hers. “Me too. But we have to shower in the guest bathroom. Eli is sleeping.”
She pulls away. “We?”
I move my lips down her neck as I walk her backward toward the bathroom.
“Yeah,” I murmur against her skin, my voice rough. “We.”
Her fingers dig into my shoulders as I back her into the bathroom, the door clicking shut behind us.
The small space feels charged, steam already thick in my chest before the waters even on.
She’s looking at me like I’m the only thing tethering her to the ground, and hell if I don’t feel the same way.
I reach into the shower and twist the knob. Water springs to life, but all I’m focused on is how her tongue feels against mine. My hands move along her hips, then quickly unsnap the top of her black pants.
I push them down, along with her panties. She fumbles for the buckle of my pants. We strip each other of clothing until we’re standing naked in front of one another.
I grip her hip and tug her flush against me, hard and unyielding. Walking backward into the shower, I move us directly underneath the falling water and move my hand up to her cheek to deepen our kiss.
Her hands slide up my arms, squeezing my biceps, before moving along my shoulders and into my hair. I run my hands through her hair, then tip her head back and let the water cascade down.
My dick presses against her stomach, begging for attention.
Instead, I push her back up against the wall and fall to my knees.
I spread her lips open with my thumbs and wrap my lips around her clit.
Her head falls back against the shower tiles as I flick my tongue rhythmically, then push my fingers inside of her.
It doesn’t take long before she is coming all over my fingers, a mix of the shower and her release coating me. I look up at her through hooded eyes, never having felt more drugged with desire than I do now.
I stand up and steal a deep kiss. I can’t wait to sink my dick inside of her until I realize something.
“Shit,” I cuss as it dawns on me. “I don’t have a condom.”
Her chest rises and falls as the steam continues to build around us. “I’m on the pill,” she breathes, “and I’m clean.”
I’ve never had sex without a condom. Ironically, seeing as I have a child in the other room.
I’ve never trusted another person enough to be willing to pass on one.
But as her green eyes gaze into mine, I know there’s no doubt in my mind that I not only trust her to do this with her, but the idea of sliding into her bare has cum dropping out of me.
I lift her up, and she wraps her legs around my waist. Then I press her back against the tiles and bring our lips together as I slam my dick inside of her in one long thrust.
The world flips on its axis as her cry echoes, vibrating through me and rooting me deeper inside her. Every inch of her clings to me like she was made for this—for me—and it nearly unravels me on the spot.
Her nails dig into my shoulders, dragging me closer, urging me not to let go.
I thrust harder, water streaming down our bodies as steam fogs the glass around us, and I swear the whole damn world disappears.
It’s just her. Her lips on mine, her body wrapped tight around me, and the pounding of my heart as I finally let go of the control I’ve been choking on.
I murmur her name against her mouth, half curse, half prayer, because she doesn’t realize she’s undoing me in ways I never thought possible. And as her body clenches around me, pulling me under with her, all I can think is that I’ll never come back from this.