Chapter 16
CHAPTER 16
NORA
“ A re you nervous?” Atlas asks as I slide my boots onto my feet.
“Only a lot.” Straightening, I tug up the waistband of my leggings.
I’ve put on a little weight in the week I’ve been living with Atlas, but I’m still a lot smaller than all of the women I see online.
“I’m excited, too, though. I’m pretty sure both emotions are battling it out inside of me.”
“Which is winning?”
I shrug, not wanting to admit that my anxiety is at an all-time high.
Although, knowing Atlas, he’s probably well aware that I’m stressed and wants us to try and talk it out.
I can’t, though, because what if talking about it gives life to all of the worries plaguing me?
Which brings me back to being nervous as heck.
How could I not be when thoughts like What if I’m starving my baby, what if there’s something wrong with it because of all of the things Rand did to me, what if there’s no heartbeat?
keep knocking around in my brain.
This baby, this sweet innocent life growing inside of me, is what gave me the courage and the strength to get out, but I don’t think I really had the brain space to worry about all of the things most first-time moms do when I was still locked away.
Now that I’m free, the what-ifs have been raining down on me relentlessly.
It may seem strange, given the circumstances, but this little one is everything to me, and I need to know he’s okay, to hear his heartbeat.
I need those things, because then it will be real.
Then I’ll know that I’ll never be alone ever again.
Then I’ll know that my life truly has a purpose.
Atlas studies me for a long minute, tilting his head to one side and then to the other.
I’m half-expecting him to call me on my sullen mood.
“Well, let’s head out,” he says instead, because that’s the thing about Atlas—he knows when to push and when to let it go.
“Scarlet said she’d let us in once they cleared the office out for lunch.”
“That’s nice of her.” I try to focus on that, rather than her clearly complicated relationship with Atlas.
“Yeah.” He chuffs out a laugh.
“She has her moments.”
“How did y’all meet?” I ask as we walk to his truck, clearly abandoning the idea of not thinking about them .
“If you don’t mind me asking.”
“We met at The Creek. She was there with some guy, and he ended up being an asshole. Ellis and I found her crying outside, drunk as hell. So, we brought her back here to sleep it off on the couch. Then she sort of just…kept coming around.”
“So, you have a hero complex then?”
“What?” He opens the passenger door for me and then lifts me up into the truck.
I wait for him to join me in the cab before replying.
“You like saving people. Scarlet, and now me.”
He scoffs as he starts the truck.
“I’m not interested in saving anyone.”
“Anyone else.” I roll my lips inward to keep from smiling.
He’s getting all growly over this, and I’m not going to lie—I kind of love it.
“Pip.” The single syllable holds a warning, but I know he’s only joking.
“I’m just saying. One more helpless female and you’ve got yourself a pattern.”
“First of all—” He cuts his eyes my way before checking the road and pulling out of the driveway.
“You are far from helpless, so cut that shit out. You are the strongest person I know. Honestly, Nora, I’m in awe of you.”
Emotion clogs my throat as I process his words.
“That, uh, that got really serious, real fast.”
“Sometimes I think you need the reminder.” Atlas drums his fingers on the steering wheel as he waits for the light to change.
“Not a reminder of what you’ve been through, but that you’ve made it to the other side.”
I tuck my hands under my thighs to keep from fidgeting.
“I guess you’re right.”
“And one more thing, Pip. You didn’t need a knight or a prince to save you, because you did it your-own-damn-self. So anytime you’re feeling down, just remember that you realized you had something to fight for and said screw the prince, I’m saving myself. ”
This time, I don’t try to stop my grin.
“Man, it’s almost like you’ve read my diary… Oh, wait!”
He flicks on the blinker and shoots me the cockiest smile known to mankind.
“That’s right, pretty girl, I got that insider knowledge.”
I shake my head, but I’m smiling.
This kind of light, playful banter is one of the things I missed the most. It’s also one of the things I refused to let myself think much about.
Out of sight, out of mind, and all that.
We fall quiet as Atlas navigates through town to the doctor’s office, but with every turn, my anxiety climbs.
“Will you stay with me?” I ask as he expertly parks his beast of a truck near the back of the building.
“During the appointment, I mean.”
“Pip.” He glances my way, his mouth frowning around his nickname for me.
“You don’t have to,” I rush to add, not wanting to make him uncomfortable.
He’s already done so much for me, so if this is his line, I’ll be okay.
Reaching over the console, he takes my hand in his.
“I won’t leave your side, not just for this appointment, but for all of them. I’m with you every step of the way. Hell, I’ll even hold your hand while you give birth if that’s what you need from me.” He brushes his thumb over my knuckles.
“I mean it, Nora. Whatever you need, big or small, I’m there.”
His words send a spike of relief through me.
I lean over the console, intending to press a kiss to his cheek, only my aim is off and my lips meet the corner of his mouth instead.
Atlas and I both freeze, our faces pressed together as we just breathe one another in.
“Sorry,” I whisper, my lips ghosting over his.
But I don’t mean it, not really.
He rakes his teeth over his bottom lip as he runs his knuckles under my chin, drawing me minutely closer.
“Don’t be.”
“Atlas.” His name is a prayer…
an invitation. One he readily accepts.
“Need you to say it, Pip.” His voice is thick and syrupy, and I swear I can feel it low in my belly.
“Need to hear you say you want this.”
“I want this.” My heart pounds like a drum in my chest, the rhythm building and building as my anticipation grows.
I want so badly to reach out and pull him closer that my fingers tingle.
I’m not sure why he has this effect on me, but I like it; I like him, and I most definitely want to feel his lips on mine.
And this time not in a dark closet.
He tips my head back ever so slightly and then seals his mouth to mine, drawing my lower lip between his, sucking slightly.
It’s like he has a direct line to my libido, and I gasp as prickles of pleasure fizz to life inside of me.
Opportunist that he is, Atlas wastes no time deepening our kiss.
Time stops as our tongues swirl together, soft and teasing.
Until this moment, I thought kissing was kind of weird, but now, with Atlas, I totally get it.
Feeling bold, I scrape my teeth over his lower lip.
His answering groan has me clenching my thighs together in a way I’m not entirely sure I understand.
I mean, clearly I’m aroused.
I’m not a complete idiot.
I’ve even touched myself a few times, but here and now, I’m so turned on that I want to climb over the center console and straddle his lap just so I can feel more of him.
The sound of someone tapping on the window brings our kiss to an abrupt halt.
We break apart, eyes wild, lips swollen and chests heaving.
“Shit,” Atlas hisses, tipping his head toward my window.
I glance over my shoulder to find Scarlet standing outside the truck with an indecipherable expression on her face.
She gives us a sharp look before pointing at her wrist and then the door, silently telling us to hurry up.
Atlas sighs and cuts the engine.
Meanwhile, I’m over here wishing I could disappear entirely.
I mean, come on, I might not know the details of their relationship, but I know there was one.
And that’s enough for me to want to hide forever.
“You good, Pip?”
I choke out a laugh.
“If by good you mean mortified and praying for the earth to open up and swallow me, yeah sure, I’m great.”
He lowers his brows, giving me a curious look.
“You embarrassed to be seen kissing me?” His voice holds a sliver of hurt, and I hate it.
“No!” I press my hands to my chest. “No, not at all. It’s just weird because she’s your?—”
“She’s not my anything,” he interrupts with a growl.
“But you… I’m starting to worry that you could be my everything.” He says the last part so low I almost wonder if I misheard him.
I must have, right?
But before I can ask him to clarify, he’s out of the truck and bounding around to open my door and help me down.
Scarlet gives us both a silent once-over before rolling her eyes and gesturing for us to follow her.
She pauses at the door and whirls around to face us.
“The next time y’all want to make out like teenagers, maybe do it on your own time, yeah?”
My entire body heats with shame.
Not over kissing him, or even over being caught.
It’s the fact that Scarlet and her doctor are doing us— doing me —a huge favor, and the least we could do is respect their time.
I’m about to apologize, when Atlas grabs my hand and pulls me into him, wrapping a protective arm around my shoulders.
“I get that we should’ve been more conscientious of the time, but don’t you make her feel bad, Scar.” He puffs out his chest. “I won’t allow it.”
“Right.” Her lips twitch.
“Got it.”
She turns back to the door, which is wedged open with a wooden block, and pulls it open.
“Right this way.”
The inside of the building is no different than any other doctor’s office I’ve ever been to, aside from the absence of other people.
The hallway is so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
Even our footsteps echo.
It sort of reminds me of the start of a zombie movie.
I don’t like it.
Noticing my discomfort, Atlas slows his steps and slides his hand into mine.
“Everything’s going to be fine.”
His gentle reassurance prods at the worry wrapping itself around my heart, but it’s not enough to vanquish it completely.
“What if it’s not?” I ask in a small voice.
He glances toward Scarlet, who is giving us as much privacy as the hallway allows, and then back to me.
“Come hell or high water, I’m with you. No matter what happens, Pip, I’ve got you.”
“Okay.” I squeeze his hand and nod.
“Let’s do this.”
“If you want to have a seat here,” Scarlet says, gesturing toward a little alcove, “I’ll take some vitals and get your chart started.”
I know she’s waiting on me, but my feet are rooted, my eyes pinging back and forth between the chair and Atlas.
She sighs dramatically before taking mercy on me.
“You can take a seat, too.”
Atlas presses a hand to the small of my back and we follow her into the recess, with me taking the chair closest to the desk.
“All right, you already told me you don’t remember the first day of your last period.” Scarlet wastes no time jumping right into everything.
Her straightforwardness miraculously sets my mind at ease.
“Which means we’ll need to do an ultrasound to determine gestation. Before that, though, I’m going to check your blood pressure, iron, weight, and get a urine sample. These are things we’ll do at most appointments.”
My insides are rolling like a stormy sea, my nerves cresting higher and higher with each wave.
I look to Atlas for reassurance and he nods, his soft smile instantly calming me.
It’s wild to me, the way he’s able to so effortlessly set me at ease.
“Okay, let’s do it.”
Scarlet flies through my work-up so quickly I hardly have time to think about all of the what-ifs.
According to her, my urinalysis says I’m definitely pregnant, I need to gain some weight, my blood pressure is fine, and my iron is, unsurprisingly, low.
After mentioning a few foods to help with my iron, she stands and steps out into the hallway.
“If y’all want to follow me, I’ll be doing your ultrasound before you see the doctor. You should be far enough along for us to do a pelvic ultrasound.”
She leads us into a dimly lit room two doors down.
“If you’ll hop up there, lift your shirt, and recline back that’d be great.”
“Everything’s going to be fine, Pip,” Atlas says as he helps me get situated just right.
“Promise.” He presses a soft kiss to my temple before lowering himself into the chair next to me.
“This might be cold,” Scarlet says apologetically before squirting a blob of gel onto my belly.
I brace, expecting the worst, but the goo is pleasantly warm.
As she uses some kind of wand to spread the goop around my lower stomach, the black screen flares to life.
Well, sort of. Mostly it just looks like static to me.
“Okay, Nora, the first thing I’m going to do is look for the heartbeat.” She rolls the wand over my belly, pressing harder in some spots than others.
The room is deathly still—the kind of silence that makes your ears ring.
It’s so quiet, I swear I can hear my own heart beating outside of my chest.
It feels like eons pass, though it’s probably only seconds, before a whooshing sound fills the room.
My eyes flit from the screen to Scarlet and back again.
“Is that—” My voice trembles with a mixture of hope and fear.
She nods. “That’s your baby’s heartbeat. Strong and steady at 150 beats per minute.”
Tears fill my eyes as I listen to the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard.
“That’s not too fast?” Atlas asks, interlacing his fingers with mine.
The feeling of his palm pressing into mine grounds me in the moment.
I’m free. I’m safe. My baby is okay.
This is all real.
Scarlet glances at our joined hands but— thankfully —doesn’t comment on it.
“Perfectly normal. As the pregnancy progresses, the heart rate will slow some. If you give me just a minute, I’ll take some measurements, and we can narrow down your due date.”
I watch with rapt attention as she clicks around on the screen, trying—and failing—to understand exactly what I’m looking at.
“According to my measurements, baby is right around thirteen weeks, so the end of the first trimester. We’ll probably do a few additional scans to monitor baby’s growth so we can be sure on the timing and progression.” She rolls the wand over my belly again, pressing it firmly to the lower left side of my belly.
“Now, for the fun part.”
“The fun part?” I ask, wondering what on earth could be better than hearing my baby’s heartbeat.
“See here.” She nods toward the screen.
“That’s your baby’s head, and here are the toes.”
“How big is the baby?” Atlas asks, his voice filled with wonder.
“About the size of a peach.”
“And you can see all of that?” The wonder quickly morphs into disbelief.
But Scarlet just smiles.
“The wonders of science.”
I know she’s being sarcastic, but in a way, she’s right.
This is wonderful. Amazing, really, that my baby is the size of a piece of fruit but has fingers and toes and a heartbeat.
Talk about a perfect freaking day.
DIARY ENTRY, PRESENT DAY
Dear Diary,
I heard the most amazing sound in the world today…
my baby’s heartbeat.
It was strong and steady and absolutely perfect.
Honestly, if I could bottle the sound and keep it close by, I would.
Come to think of it, I might ask Scarlet if I can record it at my next appointment—which is only three weeks away!
She said we might even be able to find out the sex of the baby.
Scarlet asked if I want a boy or a girl, like I have any say in the matter.
I just want a healthy baby.
Someone I can love and hold and care for…
someone who will love me.
It sounds weird, but my arms literally ache to hold my baby.
Only twenty-seven more weeks to go.
It sounds far away, but everything I’ve read online says it will fly by.
I’m also nervous for what my baby’s arrival means.
I have no real education, no job, less than a hundred dollars to my name, and only a temporary living situation.
I need to make a plan, because my baby will not suffer or want for anything.
I’ll do whatever’s necessary to provide for my child.
Talk to Atlas about finding a job
Get a job
Save money
Find somewhere permanent to live
Ugh!
My to-do list is stacking up against me.
Not to mention, the cost of actually having the baby and my prenatal appointments.
I’m not stupid—I know Atlas paid for my appointment today.
He didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to feel bad, but I’m going to pay him back.
He says it’s not taking advantage when it’s something he’s giving freely, but still, I feel beholden to him, and I don’t like it.
Find a way to pay Atlas back for the phone, doctors’ appointments, and clothes
Oh, God.
It kind of feels like I can’t breathe.
Somehow, I managed to free myself from one problem only to be pinned by another.
One step at a time… Dad used to say you can only take one step at a time.
I just need to slow down and figure out my steps.
I’ve survived worse than this, so I know I’ll be okay.
No—we’ll be okay.
Overwhelmed, Nora