Chapter 48
It’s not been as long as it’s felt since he began telling me what happened. Sometime between the beginning and end, we let one another go.
I don’t remember why it happened, but it felt like we both needed to see each other. He’s staring at me as he finishes, and I stand here in silence, my mouth slowly parting.
What do I even say?
I can’t hesitate—but the words won’t come.
He’s staring at me, almost pleading. For what? Forgiveness? He already has it. Even knowing one decision might have changed the fate of both our parents, it isn’t his fault.
“Ayden… say something…”
When he says my name, I shake my head. “Keo… my god, you’ve—”
“You do that…” He takes a step back, and I swear my heart cracks. “Hesitate. I can never tell if it’s because you’re about to lie to me or not.”
“No, no, no! I swear, that’s not why I’m… hesitating. I’m not hesitating!” I move toward him, but he keeps the distance between us. Panic claws at me, and I know I need to fix this. “I don’t blame you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Then why do I have to drag the words out of you?” His voice lifts, sharp enough to make my eyes widen. “You don’t have to forgive me…”
“Keo! There is nothing to forgive.”
“You don’t even have to love me right now.”
What…
“Just don’t lie to me.”
“What are you even talking about? I do love you.”
I’m losing him. That look—it’s the same one he had that night at the bar.
As if the word hollow has taken shape in his eyes, turning them distant.
It’s no longer like I’m meeting his amber gaze, but staring through a fogged window, clouded with smoke from a fire burning too close to everything I love.
“I blame myself for so much…”
I shake my head. “Keo—”
“If I hadn’t ran out on you that night… would you have ever met Michael?” A chill runs down my side. “Do you think of that?”
Swallowing, I once again shake my head. “No. Never.”
“Jokes on us both… huh? It took me a long time to realize the bad joke.” If it could, and I’d stay alive, my heart would’ve shattered right then. “I’ve fucked up so many lives. Unintentionally. But look at the connecting piece. It’s me.”
“What happened to me… What happened to our parents, none of that is your fault.”
“Tell that to the fucked-up asshole in my head who won’t let it go!” He rakes his fingers through his hair and turns away.
He’s leaving.
“Keo, stop.” I move quickly to step in front of him. “This is ridiculous, you did—”
“Ridiculous?” The way he narrows his eyes at me tells me I chose the wrong word. “Is that what this feeling is? My reactions? Why is it ridiculous, sunshine?”
“Because you’ve done nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing wrong.”
He lets out a hollow chuckle.
“If I hadn’t taken that extra shift… If I had just let them in… I see it from time to time, you know?”
He stands so still, unlike me, who’s trembling. The pain in his voice is laced with defeat. No…
“If I had kept them on the phone for a few minutes. Forced them to a hotel… that semi would’ve hit someone else. They’d still be alive. I see the what-ifs. But you want to know the fucked-up part? What I realized?”
My fingertips spark with the need to touch him. To pull him close and show him just how much I love him. This feels like… he’s trying to leave. Like he’s preparing to say goodbye, and I can’t bear that.
“I don’t know if I’d change anything from that night now.”
The ache in my chest is so sharp that tears spring into my eyes before I even realize it.
“I got you out of it. Finally…” His voice wavers. “How fucked up am I?! The guilt I feel comes from every goddamn corner of my brain! I drove you away. I didn’t let them in. I don’t want them back!”
I hesitate for only a moment before whispering, “Me… too, Keo. Me, too. Baby, I feel the same way. We can be fucked up together if that’s what it means.” Stepping closer, I press my trembling hands against his chest.
He looks slowly down at my hands. “Guilt is… lonely. It’s different than loss, different than…
physical pain. It’s a place of darkness that seems endless, and the only thing present is the reason for it.
It hangs there, in a room with no windows or doors.
It doesn’t let anyone in, and it sure as hell won’t let you out. ”
“Then you should’ve screamed for me to break through. Let me sit in there with you. Don’t be in this alone.”
His hands move to my shoulders… and he slowly steps me back. “You deserve the sun, Ayden. I don’t want to be in that darkness, so why the hell would I drag you into it?”
“Keo, please… We can get through this—” He pulls me to the side as he steps around me, and goes for his truck. “Don’t walk away!” I go for his arm, but he jerks it away.
“Let me go—” I swear I nearly vomit. “I just need to be alone for a bit.”
“No… we can—we can do this together, please.”
Am I above begging? Nope. Absolutely not. I rush to the back of the truck and stand. He climbs in, starts it up, and adjusts the rearview so I can see his eyes.
“I’m not letting you go!”
Before I can react, he’s out of the car, leaving it running, and pacing toward me. I square my shoulders, meeting his defiance with my own.
“Listen, we can—” He literally grabs me and slings me over his shoulder. “What the fuck!?”
I could seriously do damage if I kicked or hit him, but I don’t want to hurt him… even if he’s tearing me apart mentally and emotionally.
I don’t knee or punch, but I try to wriggle free—shifting my hips, grabbing his jacket to get down.
Within less than a minute, the warmth of the cabin wraps around us, and I’m thrown onto the couch.
He says nothing.
Doesn’t look at me.
He simply turns toward the front door.
“Keoni!” Brittany screams.
If he thinks I’m just going to sit here and watch him walk out, he’s wrong. I’m back on my feet just as he grabs an umbrella and slams the door. No more than seconds later, I open it and go for the screen door but it won’t budge.
The umbrella is jammed between the handle.
I spin around, brushing past a crying Britt, and head for the back door. I’m moving too slow, because the moment I see the red lights of his truck, he’s nearly disappearing down the pathway.
Away from the cabin.
Away from me.
No…
My gaze flicks to Britt’s jeep, then I’m plunged into full-blown adrenaline mode. I race back to the house, tossing the umbrella aside and yanking open the screen door.
“Britt, we have to go after him.”
Her hands are clutched to her chest, and I can see the gleam of keys. I’m ready. She’s ready… so why the hell isn’t she moving?
“Brittany? We…”
The moment I get closer, I see the phone wedged between her and the keys she’s holding onto for dear life.
“I’m not supposed to tell you this, but…” she releases a shaky breath. “Keoni didn’t… have a choice for therapy.”
I wet my lips. “What?”
“I urged him to tell you, Ayden.” She drags the back of her hand across her eyes.
Mine stinging as I stare, unblinking at her.
“He drove to the site of the accident… When he confirmed it for himself, he didn’t go back to Phoenix.
” Her throat strains as she swallows. “If it hadn’t been for his fire chief calling the police in Coconino County, he would’ve jumped from the South Rim of the Grand Canyon. ”
I’m not sure how I stay on my feet.
“I’d called to see how he was doing, but when I couldn’t get ahold of him, I tried the hospitals, hoping it wasn’t the worst news imaginable…
When I found him, he was sitting in jail.
A judge was going to order involuntary treatment, but…
I convinced him to come see me and to move here like he had planned. ”
Where are my words? It’s like I’ve lost the ability to speak. I have so much I want to scream, but nothing comes out. It’s… painful.
“I should call it directly in, but I can’t.” Tears sit in her eyes. “He’s so different now, so happy, and doing so much better. I don’t want to see him in a facility, away from you, it’ll have the opposite effect.”
She slowly moves to me, or at least I thought she was coming toward me. Instead, she turns toward the door.
“I need to go help them find him. I contacted a friend at the police department and he’s going to put out a call to look for his truck. I won’t let them take him in, I’ll bring him right back to you. So, stay here—”
“No…” I finally find something worth spilling. “Take me with you.”
“What happens if he comes back? If you aren’t here… he may think you left. His mental state…” She pauses and takes a quick breath. “It’s fragile.”
“I never saw any of this.”
“It just takes one small thing. A fire doesn’t need much to catch, and even less for it to spread. I shouldn’t have pushed. Especially not on our first session back from the holidays.”
As she goes to brush past me, I quickly grab onto her arm. “You expect me to just sit here? Are you crazy?”
She drops her chin, before looking up at me. “I expect you to be here when he gets back.”
When.
I’m not entirely sure if I let her go, or she jerks from my grip, because within the span of a blink, I’m alone. The walls of the cabin squeeze in tight, before they expand outward. My entire world spins, and it’s as though gravity lifts, causing me to stumble a few steps back.
The feeling of dread comes over my entire body. I’m seeing the headlights coming right at me, and it’s me that’s about to be crushed.
My heart is running, trying to save itself from the death that’s inevitably coming.
I try to see, but nothing makes sense, and I recognize far too late what’s happening. My breath comes too sharp, and I can’t catch it before I begin to hyperventilate.
Grabbing at my chest, I go to try and step, but the realization I’m on the floor hits me like the ache in my shoulder.
Keo… no, no. Please. Don’t…
The air is thick, too thick, and it’s like time itself has stopped around me, but I’m allowed to move through it. I wish I could pause. I don’t want this ache. The chills. The numbness.
Oh god.
What… What’s happening?!
“Ayden!” A loud scream breaks through the ringing in my ear. “Oh my god, Ayden!”
A grip on the back of my neck pulls me upright, snapping me to reality.
“Ronan! Help him!”
I shut my eyes, because my vision returns only to shake so much that I’m immediately dizzy.
He groans. “That’s reserved strictly for you, baby girl.”
“Help him! Now!”
“Damn it.” Thundering footsteps approach, and before I know it, I’m hoisted up into a seated position. “Open your eyes.” His commanding voice tells me I really shouldn’t fight it, even if I just want to sleep. I want to run away from opening them to anyone but Keo.
“Ayden. Now.”
I do, but as it had been before, everything spins in a circle. I could swear I’ve gone cross-eyed.
“You’re safe.” The sudden shift in his voice has me blinking rapidly.
“I’m here with you.” When I finally have clarity in my vision, it’s Ronan’s stoic face that takes up the majority of my view.
I vaguely see Calista in my peripheral, but I stick to staring right into his blue gaze. “You aren’t alone.”
Heat floods my eyes.
“Let’s breathe together. Alright? Nod for me.”
I slowly do as he says.
“Good. In through your nose… four seconds, hold it…” Following his instructions, I begin to feel the weight on my chest coming off me. “Good, out through your mouth.”
The hand that isn’t holding me up presses against my stomach. “Breathe from here. Focus on pushing my hand up. Bring in air until you feel that last hard intake, then hold it.”
After a few rounds of breathing, he nods.
“Now, name five things you see.
“You… Cal… the word SIT… the TV… wood…”
“Very good. Now, four things you feel.”
Cal comes to sit beside me, and she brushes her hand across my forehead. “Cal, you… the fire… Clover?” I turn my head to the side and see the cat brushing against my arm that rests at my side.
“Focus, Ayden. Tell me three things you hear.”
I shut my eyes briefly. “Your voice… the fire… and purring.”
“Almost there. You’re doing great. Two things you smell.”
I take a breath through my nose. “Burning wood, and… cucumber lotion.”
Cal lets out a somber chuckle.
“Last one. What do you taste?”
I run my tongue around in my mouth, before saying, “Nothing.”
When I look back up to him, he’s nodding. “This is going to pass. You aren’t in any danger. Cal and I have you.”
Watching as she presses a hand to his neck and leans in to kiss his cheek has my heart aching.
Once I’ve drawn enough oxygen into my lungs and my breathing steadies, they help me off the ground.
Seated on the couch, I watch Ronan disappear toward the kitchen. Cal sits beside me, taking my hand and rubbing a gentle circle into my palm.
“Why… are you here?” I ask. “How?”
“Britt texted me. What’s going on? Where’s Keo? Is he at work?”
I bite down on my bottom lip and shake my head.
“Okay. Let’s just talk about something else—”
“I don’t want to talk about anything else… sorry. Thank you, but… shit.” I run my fingers through my hair. “Do you mind grabbing my phone?”
She nods and gets up from the couch just as Ronan returns. He hands me a glass of ice-cold water, and I take a slow sip.
“Don’t cut her off again.”
I lift my gaze, preparing to apologize again, when Cal interrupts.
“Ronan, it’s fine. You know how I get after these.”
He rolls his eyes and grunts. “Regardless.”
“No harm done,” she says softly, handing me my phone.
I’m swapping out the drink for it. I look and see no new messages or calls. It doesn’t stop me from pulling up his number and calling.
Only for it to go directly to voicemail.
I do it again.
Voicemail.
Again.
Voicemail.
The moment I’m about to try again, Cal’s hand covers the phone, and I look up at her. “Tell me what happened. We aren’t going anywhere.”
“What?”
She shoots her head up to Ronan. “We’re staying…”
He grunts. “Haven’t we done enough?”
When she looks back at me, she smiles. “Ignore him. Let’s talk, Ayden. What’s going on?”