Chapter 49
Iam a colossal idiot.
Why do I have to feel like this?
The farther I drove from Ayden, the heavier my chest became, the hollower my heart felt. I had to pull over—if I hadn’t, I probably would’ve careened off the road. Even if Britt thinks that’s where I was heading, death, it wasn’t.
The floor had just collapsed beneath me, and there was no catching myself. I lost it in those few moments. I tried so hard to hold on, but I was sinking too fast.
I just need to breathe. And for a place filled with open skies and fresh greenery, I feel suffocated. The air is polluted, and it’s like everything is against me.
For what I did.
For not telling him the moment we both stepped foot into that cabin.
I want to convince myself it’s not my fault, but guilt doesn’t let go because of logic. It clings to that singular moment I could’ve changed. It reminds me that if I had just…
Just…
If I had been a better son and come to see them more often, would they have felt the need to change their entire route to see me?
If I had just dropped the shift. Taken a dinner to be with them. Talked with them a little longer.
If I had just let them in…
If I had moved a week sooner.
I slam my forehead against the steering wheel and scream, the sound bouncing around the enclosed truck bed. When it fades, my breathing fills the silence.
I didn’t kill them, but my brain insists I’m the reason they’re gone. Then it twists the knife, reminding me of the good that came from their death, that I got Ayden, and how utterly fucked up that makes me as a human being.
I drag my hands up my face and run my fingers through my hair. Staring at the gray ceiling, I wonder where I went wrong.
Back in high school, when I saw Ayden for the first time and felt that spark in my chest… Had I told my mom I had feelings for him, would things have been different?
Probably not.
That night at graduation. If I hadn’t run away like a fucking coward, could I have saved him from a life of pain and suffering? From the things that man did to him, and still does… he wouldn’t have had to endure any of it.
I could’ve saved him.
He would’ve been at Christmas every year with me, and I’d have told our parents I was madly in love with him. I would’ve told Grant that there was no one else for him but me, that I could protect him and take care of his son.
They would’ve never had to go to Arizona, because I would’ve moved anywhere Ayden was. I’d have been with him in California.
Or maybe… we would’ve been here, near Maple Falls.
Warm tears streak across my temples, filling my ears and drowning out my own breathing.
I fucked up. And all anyone will see is that it’s ridiculous. That someone like me shouldn’t break down over something that isn’t my fault. I’m meant to be strong—the fearless one who runs into a burning building to save lives.
Except I still have these demons, ones that were only ever sedated by Ayden. Even before.
The only reason I hadn’t jumped into that canyon, and ended my life, was because I saw him standing in front of me. I’d had every opportunity to do it, especially when I heard the sirens.
But it was like I could hear him screaming for me…
Screaming into the dark room with no exit.
I’ve always had a strange relationship with religion. I’m not sure where I fit. Believing in a god isn’t wrong, but thinking there’s only one is ignorant. There’s something out there, and that day… whomever it was clearly wanted me to know that someone was still alive for me.
I take a shaky breath and close my eyes, letting the weight of everything wash over me in silence. My legs feel numb, my heart heavy.
Ayden…
This is the hardest part. Telling him. Telling the one person I love and hoping that he’ll understand. Not hate me as much as I hate myself.
Except, I’m not that stupid. I know he would never hate me. I just wish my brain would fuck off and stop trying to convince me otherwise.
I know Ayden loves me…
I do…
I… do know that.
A soft knock on my window makes me jump. I’m taken aback that light is spilling through into the cab as I open my eyes. The early morning sun is rising. Holy shit, I don’t even remember passing out.
I glance over and see a ranger at my window. One quick sweep of my surroundings confirms I’m parked in front of a national park entrance. Honestly, I’m shocked that I even remembered to turn the truck off.
Starting the engine, I roll down the window. “Morning.”
“Good morning, son,” the elderly ranger says, his smile carefree. “There ain’t no parking overnight.”
“Sorry. I didn’t intend to.”
“Kinda gathered that,” he says with a thick southern accent. “You good to drive ya’ self back home, or do I need to call you a ride?”
I shake my head. “I’m alright, thank you.”
“Have a great day now.” He taps the top of the truck’s hood, and I pop myself into reverse.
At least I woke up without that damned migraine.
Pulling onto the main road, I roll my head around my shoulders. It’s barely seven in the morning. God, I didn’t mean to be out all night. I’m such a fucking asshole. I just know Ayden’s a mess, and probably Britt too.
I’m not far from the cabin. I’ll get back to him, then give her a call.
My head feels a bit clearer. I’m ready to sit down, have an adult conversation with him, and start moving forward.
Maybe I’ll get on some medication, up my sessions with Britt, or even see multiple people.
I don’t want to be a burden on Ayden. I want to make his life better—and I can only do that if mine is stable.
Turning onto the road that leads to Sapphire Valley, I immediately spot an unmarked cop car pulled off to the right. They aren’t as incognito as they think.
I’m not speeding, even if my foot has been itching to. So, to say I’m surprised when their lights flash from the dash at the sight of me is an understatement.
My brows pinch as I adjust the rearview mirror, noticing they pull out and get right behind me.
“What the fuck?”
I reach down into my pocket and pull out my phone just as I slow to a stop on the side of the road. I place it on the seat beside me and pull out my ID and insurance. The faster I get this over with, the quicker I can get going.
In my side mirror, I watch one of the officers approach my driver’s side, head tilted toward the ground. I roll the window down and smile at him—but it doesn’t last, because I recognize him immediately.
My memory flashes back to that night at the ice cream shop. One of the two police officers eating said sweet treat, the other giving me a wave of acknowledgment.
This is one of them. I have zero doubts about that.
“Good morning,” he says.
“Morning. Why are you pulling me over?”
He sighs, as if irritated at my very rational question. “Go ahead and step out of the vehicle.”
I know my rights. I’ve done nothing wrong, except for sleeping in my car in a restricted area, though it’s clear the park ranger never reported me or really seemed to care.
“What seems to be the problem?”
“Go ahead,” he grits through his teeth, “and step out.”
For a moment, I hesitate, but in the end, I do as he says. I open the door slowly as he steps toward the back of the truck.
“Come around and just keep your hands where we can see them.”
I narrow my eyes. “Nothing to worry about from me, I don’t have any weapons.”
He doesn’t offer a response, and I quickly close the door before stepping toward the back of the car.
The second I’m at the tailgate, his partner steps out of the police car. It’s the same one from that night, and I instinctively brace myself for a fight. We weren’t given any information about these officers or the outcome of our report, but I can’t imagine they would’ve been left on payroll.
What if their car wasn’t unmarked…
Fuck. Am I being set up?
“A code 6 was called out. Mentally unstable subject.”
The way my nose twitches, I think is the cause of the man tensing. “I’m fine. I’m just going home. I’d ask if you need to see my ID or driver’s license but, let’s be honest, you seem to already know who I am.”
His partner comes up beside him, one hand on his belt, the other lazily hanging at his side. “Just get into the back of the car.” He gestures over his shoulder. “Let’s not make this super difficult.”
“For what?” I bite out.
“Because you are a danger to yourself.” It’s clear by the way he speaks that it’s a lie. It might sound like a legitimate excuse, but I know it’s bullshit.
They were waiting for me. This is definitely a set up.
“You can call my therapist; she can run a psych evaluation right here in front of you. I’m fine.” I angle my shoulder, readying to get back into my truck. “How about I call her? Hmm?” My tone drips with anger.
“Fuck this shit.” The second officer pulls something out so fast, my immediate thought is a gun. Then something pops, electricity rings in my ears, and an intense, full-body pain shoots through me.
My muscles contract involuntarily, and I know exactly what it is. Before I can lose full control, I grab the wires and tear the barbed darts of the taser free.
“Motherfuckers,” I seethe through my teeth and charge.
Before the first asshole can react, I ram my shoulder into his chest, sending him a few feet back onto his ass. The second officer gets a face full of my fist. Blood spilling immediately. As he staggers, I move in for another hit—then pain hits again.
My spine stiffens as I yank the wires free from my hip. Wobbly, I step toward the officer on the ground, who fumbles with the spent cartridge, trying to reload.
Just as I’m about to stomp on him, a sharp sting hits the base of my spine and I go tumbling. All my muscles constrict, and I hit the ground so hard, not even the electrical shock coursing through me masks the pain.
“Fuck!” I scream through clenched teeth.
The second I regain feeling in my arm, a devastating blow slams into my face. The ache hits a moment later and my vision begins to go dark, a sudden sensation of floating takes over my head.
“Put him in the back. Fucking piece of shit broke my nose,” one of them says.
My eyes feel heavy, but I can hear everything. The echo of a metallic click, the crunching of boots on gravel.
“This all better be worth it,” the other says. “I’m sick of this small-ass town.”
I’m dragged across gravel by my bound wrists. Trying to move my fingers only triggers another violent electrocution to my neck. My body goes numb, and I lose any and all control over my muscles.
“Be careful. He can’t die like this. Gotta…”
Oh no… I’m losing consciousness.
“… appear to be suicide.”
I’m levitating in my own body, barely catching the voices. The last words make my heart stop:
“Just gotta get the other one, then our job’s done here.”