Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
My heart is already pounding as I turn down the driveway towards the farm, and I pull in a deep breath as I will my body to release the tension it’s holding onto. But it only spreads further into my limbs and up my throat, and I fight the urge to turn around and just go back to my cabin.
But I keep walking down the long driveway, sticking to the cool shadows from the tall trees, as if they can hide me.
“Morning,” Papa calls from the porch as I reach their house, and I glance up to see him on one of the rocking chairs, sipping coffee from his travel mug.
“Morning,” I say, shoving my hands in my pockets and shifting my weight on my feet.
The door opens behind him, and Mama steps out in her housecoat with a smile and a paper bag. But when her eyes land on me, her smile falls and her brow creases. “What?”
“What?” Papa asks, glancing at her, then back to me.
I look between them, just as confused. “What?” I ask.
Mama steps forward, motioning for me to come up the steps. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say, trying my best to make it look like I don’t want to run away and hide all day.
But Mama doesn’t buy it. She tilts her head with the look she always used to give me when I tried to hide school suspensions from her. The look that says fess up right now.
I sigh and glance out at the farm. “Levi is coming on the tractor with me this morning.”
After a beat of silence, Papa leans forward in his chair. “Ah.”
I feel his eyes on me, so I slide my gaze to him, and he cocks an eyebrow.
“And the reason for this excursion?” he asks.
“To show me how to use the new… screen… thing,” I say, and release a breath of frustration. Fuck, I don’t even know what it’s called. How the fuck am I going to be able to use this? Do I use it or just read it? I don’t understand what this even is…
Papa nods and sets his coffee on the side table. “Silas, when I first started running equipment, our guidance system was someone standing at the edge of the field, yelling if I drifted too far.”
Mama chuckles softly, and I watch Papa as he looks over the field in front of the house with a smile.
“Then we got foam markers. And that felt like the best thing that ever could have happened.” He looks at me again. “But then it became GPS lines, and we started using yield monitors and soil maps. Every few years, something new showed up.”
I nod, feeling the thump of my heart against my ribs at that thought.
“But it never replaced the farmer,” he continues.
“Because even though these machines can now do so much and give us all the numbers we need to make the best decisions we can… they can’t understand the land for us.
Technology doesn’t erase knowledge, Silas.
What we know about soil and crops doesn’t disappear just because a monitor spits a number out.
” He points at me as he leans back in his chair.
“It’s just another tool for the toolbox. ”
My gaze drifts out to the field, and I pull in another breath as my pulse picks up again, and my fingers curl in my pockets until my knuckles ache.
“Or is there something else that has you feeling nervous?” Papa asks.
My eyes flick back to him, and he just nods when I don’t say anything.
Mama steps forward, holding out the paper bag with my breakfast as she squeezes my arm. “All you have to do is be your perfect self,” she says softly.
I give her a smile as I take the bag. “Thanks, Mama.” Then I look at Papa, still sitting in the rocking chair. “You coming?”
He observes me for a moment, then settles back in the chair with a small shrug and a shake of his head. “Nah. I think I’ll finish my coffee here this morning.”
My eyes narrow as I take in the travel mug, the boots on his feet, and his farm jacket. He was going to come.
But I know what he’s doing. He’s not going to let me hide behind him.
He waves a hand to dismiss me with a small smile pulling at his lips. “Go. Fields aren’t tilling themselves.”
I roll my eyes as Mama chuckles and pats my back, and I turn to head back down the stairs. And my heart starts thumping again.
With each step towards the garage, the urge to turn and run back to my cabin grows. Why did I agree to this? I can’t do this.
Why can’t I do this?
My hands start trembling, and my palms turn sweaty as hot tingles spread up my arms, and each step feels like it weighs a thousand pounds.
It’s Levi. It’s just Levi.
So why does my body feel like I’m walking right into something that could tear me open and destroy me?
It’s Levi…
I head straight into the garage and drop the paper bag on my workbench, staring at it while voices drift in from the lot as everyone starts arriving.
With a deep breath, I unfold the top and pull out a bagel and the egg bites Mama packed.
I set them on the paper and look down at them as my fingers twitch.
But my stomach is rolling, and there’s no way I can eat.
“Hey.”
I flinch and look over my shoulder at Levi standing a few feet away.
“Hey,” I say, turning to shove my breakfast back in the bag.
“Mama’s egg bites?” Levi asks, stepping closer.
I glance at him and nod, memories flashing through my mind of her calling us in for breakfast, when all we wanted to do was race our bikes up and down the long driveway.
“She gives me breakfast every morning,” I say, unsure why I’m even telling him this. But the words roll off my tongue, and the smile that spreads over his lips has me dropping my eyes to it… and almost wanting to tell him more. Of what, I don’t even know.
He huffs a small laugh, and my breath catches at the sound.
“Some things never change,” he says softly.
My gaze slowly drifts to his black hoodie, and I let it rest there for a moment as a sense of familiarity settles over me. I wish he’d wear this more than the crisp button-up shirts. He looks more like… him.
His arm shifts, and I quickly look away, shoving the bag of my uneaten breakfast to the side of the bench.
“I loaded everything into the system yesterday, so I’m good to go whenever you are,” Levi says.
I nod and turn to head outside. “We’ll go now.”
“Don’t want to eat first?” he asks, hesitating as he gestures towards the bench.
But I just shake my head and start towards the tractor in the lot.
Now that he’s here, and this is actually happening, my stomach feels like it’s twisting into knots.
My hands are tingling again, and my breaths are shallow in my chest as I feel trapped in this space between wanting this and needing to leave.
My brain is screaming at me to keep the distance between us, while at the same time, my body continues to walk along beside him, carrying me towards the tractor.
I grab the rail and haul myself up into the cab, hoping he doesn’t notice the tremor in my hand, and turn the key. The engine roars to life beneath me, vibrating up through the seat and into my spine. And I hope it’s enough to drown everything else out.
But when Levi settles into the buddy seat next to me, a sudden warmth rolls over me like a comfortable blanket.
My heart is still racing, and my hands are still tingling, but something underneath it starts to shift.
I picture us as kids, both sitting in that seat as Dad drove the tractor and he let us take turns steering.
And then later, when he was home for the summer and would join me while I was working, and we’d talk about everything and nothing.
I catch Levi glancing at me as I realize I’ve just been sitting here, staring out the window as those memories played like a movie in my mind.
So I clear my throat, shift in my seat, put the tractor into gear, and drive towards the north field. It’s the first field we’ll be planting, so today it just needs a light pass to level it off.
When we reach the edge of the field, I put the tractor in park, take a breath, and turn to face Levi.
But when his eyes meet mine, everything in me stills.
The rising sun casts a warm glow over him, and his brown eyes absorb the light, almost looking like they’re lit from within, like endless depths of amber I could get lost in.
His dark hair, which is usually styled to perfection, is slightly messy today with a strand falling over his forehead, catching the light just so…
And I need to squeeze the steering wheel to keep from reaching over to push it back.
Out here, he’s the Levi I’ve always known.
He’s my Levi.
He blinks and drops his gaze, and I turn back to the windshield, forcing myself to focus on the field stretching out ahead of us before lowering my eyes to the display.
“So…” Levi starts, reaching forward to tap the screen. “This is the prescription map for this field.”
Colours spread across the map of the field in uneven patches, and I look over it, trying to make sense of the mess of layered blocks and numbers.
“This darker strip,” he continues, pointing to the section along the backstretch, “is heavier soil, which holds moisture longer, so the planter is going to ease off and plant less there. And this lighter section on higher ground drains faster, so it will plant more.”
He pauses and glances at me, and I nod, shifting my gaze over the field. I already know how the soil behaves out here. I don’t need a computer for that…
“So when you cross from one zone into the next,” he says, “the monitor reads the map and shifts the rate automatically. You’ll see the target change on the display as you move. You don’t have to touch anything. It adjusts on its own.”
My brow creases as I look at the backstretch of the field in the distance and my breaths come quicker. “How does it know…”