Chapter 47
FORTY-SEVEN
I step out of the farm store and head for my truck, tossing the spray nozzles into the backseat. But as my hand closes around the driver’s door handle, I pause and release a breath.
I told Dad I’d come to the store to grab the nozzles for him since I also needed some screws.
But really, I just needed to get off the farm for a bit.
Which I never want to do. But my head hasn’t stopped for two days, with thoughts circling over themselves until they blur together, and I just need…
something. A distraction, a break, an answer… something.
My gaze drifts across the street to the marina, and I watch some lobster boats make their way in and dock at the wharf. I drop my hand from the truck and cross the street until I reach the wooden fence that runs along the water’s edge.
The same question that’s been swirling around in my head since Levi had that phone call rises again, repeating itself over and over and over.
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
My eyes squeeze shut as I brace my forearms against the fence and lift my hands to my head.
I love Levi. I love him. I need him. He makes my heart whole and keeps me together. He’s everything. I lost him once, and I can’t go through that again.
Intense fear slams into me at the thought of losing him, and then again at the thought of losing my family.
What if Dad starts looking at me the same way Mom did? Like I’m a problem. Like I’ve made another poor choice, and I should have known better.
But I know he won’t. I know this. And I know Mama and Papa won’t either. They all love Levi. They all love me.
But… what if?
There’s always a chance.
And I won’t survive it if someone else who was supposed to make me feel safe walks away from me.
Tears prick the back of my eyes as I lean against the fence with my head in my hands and try to take a deep breath. But I can’t seem to get enough air in or out, and my chest tightens as panic suddenly floods my entire body.
I want to love Levi out loud. I want to be happy.
I don’t want anyone to leave me.
I don’t want anyone to leave Levi.
I just want to be happy.
I’ve been happy.
The tears break free and run down my cheeks as my stomach turns and my hands tingle, and I dig my fingertips into my head.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Hey, you ok?”
The voice startles me, and I lift my head to see a man standing at the edge of the wharf just a few feet away, cautiously watching me.
I quickly wipe my eyes and nod, trying to hide my trembling hand. “Yeah.”
But he clearly doesn’t buy it. He hesitates, then steps closer. “You sure? Because… you don’t look it.” He glances around the empty stretch of the dock. “You here alone?”
Tears once again well in my eyes, and I swallow hard as I try not to lose it again. All I can do is nod and keep my gaze fixed on the water, because I don’t trust myself to speak right now.
“Can I… Do you need something?”
I sniff and glance at the guy. He’s about my age or a bit older, watching me carefully with warm brown eyes and an expression that looks like he really does care.
His messy light brown hair blows gently in the breeze, and soft freckles are scattered over his nose and cheeks.
Something about him just seems… calming.
“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “I’m good.”
He nods, his eyes dipping to my dirt-stained T-shirt. Then he steps up next to me and rests his arms along the top of the fence as he looks out at the water. “You a farmer?”
I glance at him, but he keeps his gaze on the boats easing into the dock.
“Yeah,” I say as I wipe my wet cheeks. Then I follow his line of sight to the boats. “You a fisherman?”
He nods. “Yeah. But not here. I fish lobster in Nova Scotia.” He lifts a small plastic bait container in one hand. “I just stopped in to grab some bait. I’m here for the weekend to…” he pauses and rolls his eyes, “fly fish.”
I huff a small laugh. “A regular rod with a reel is better.”
He tosses his hands in the air and nods at me. “Thank you!”
I chuckle and turn back to the water, then sigh.
What the fuck is wrong with me? This random guy who just came to the wharf for bait now has to fucking babysit me because I’m having a freak out.
I want Levi.
I need him… and this is all just proof of how much I need him.
“Sorry for this,” I say to the guy. “I just… I’m just a mess right now.”
“That’s alright,” he says. “I’ve been a mess before.”
He continues to stand with me, and I glance at him again as he stares out at the water. He doesn’t know me, or know who I am. He just watched me completely break down and lose my shit, yet he’s standing here with me, making sure I’m ok.
He’s not leaving.
He just saw my ugly and doesn’t know any of the good… and he’s not leaving.
“I have a fear of people leaving,” I say, the words coming out before I think better of it.
He turns to look at me but doesn’t say anything.
I stare back at him for a moment, letting my mind catch up to the fact that I just told him that. I’m not sure why I did, but he just continues to watch me, like he’s waiting for me to continue.
“I’ve been abandoned a lot,” I continue, shifting my gaze back to the water as I just let the words come and not question them. “And… I’m worried my family might leave me if I tell them who I really am. And I might lose someone really important to me if I don’t.”
My vision blurs again as the tears return, and I try to blink them away. But the thought of losing the people I love rips my heart open and makes it bleed all over again.
I feel his eyes on me, but I keep mine straight ahead as I try to hold myself together and focus on the slow movement of the boats rocking against the dock.
“I know something about that,” he says. “It’s confusing.”
A tear breaks free as I nod, those confusing thoughts all continuing to swirl around in my head.
“I wish I had some great advice that would change everything and make it all better, but I don’t,” he says. “All I can tell you is that accepting who you truly are is probably the greatest gift you can give yourself.”
A soft sob breaks free from my chest as I lift my hand to wipe my tears.
“There’s always a chance something won’t work out,” he continues. “And one thing I’ve learned is that I can’t control everything. And ironically, when you give up some control, you get a lot of power back.”
An image of Redwave flashes through my mind at that, followed by Levi’s words.
The villain may have taken his power, but he didn’t take his heart.
He gains his power back by refusing to break and by taking it back, piece by piece.
“Trusting that the right people will stay takes a lot of courage,” the guy says softly.
I nod, pulling in a deep breath. “I just don’t know how to find that courage.”
“Hm,” he hums. “Pretty sure that comes from the heart.”
I turn to look at him, and the corner of his lips tilts up in a soft smile.
“Only you can find that.”
I wipe my cheeks again, my tears now slowing as I hold on to the image of Redwave in my head, and to Levi’s voice.
“You’re pretty wise for a fly fisher,” I say.
He lets out a laugh and shakes his head. “I’m not the fly fisher, trust me. But I’ll take the wise part.”
I give him a smile, and he returns it.
“You good?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say with a nod. “Thanks.”
“Anytime.” He pushes off the fence and gives me a nod before turning to head towards his truck.
“Have fun flicking a stick around,” I call after him.
He turns, walking backwards a few steps with a smile as he points at me. “I knew I liked you.”
Then he climbs into his truck and takes off down the road.
I watch until he disappears from view, then draw in a slow breath and make my way across the street to my own truck.
Redwave stays with me as I drive home, and Levi’s voice continues to repeat his words.
He didn’t take his heart.
He gains his power back by refusing to break.
By the time I pull up to my cabin and park next to my old truck, I know what I have to do. I know I need to find my courage… and I know where I need to look for it.
My pulse thunders as I make my way through the clearing in the trees and onto the hollow heart field.
The hot July sun beats down on me as I walk towards the middle of the field, and the rows stretch out in front of me, now dense with growth as the plants’ broad leaves overlap and brush against my legs.
The canopy has closed across most of the field in a thick, deep green, which makes my heart beat harder every time I look at it.
Because it all points to strong development, consistency, and to everything moving the way it should beneath the surface.
When I reach the middle zone, I stop and look down at the plants in front of me.
Then I crouch down and push aside the leaves to expose the base of one of the plants.
My fingers sink into the soil, and I work them carefully around the stem to loosen the earth before gripping near the base and pulling the plant free.
The roots come up intact with a cluster of developing tubers attached. The skin is pale and thin, as it should be at this stage, and my heart pounds as I brush one clean with my thumb.
It looks just like it should.
But it’s what’s inside that matters.
In its heart.
I reach into my pocket to pull out my knife and flip the blade open.
My eyes close for a moment as I take a deep breath and try to prepare myself for whatever I’m about to find.
But whatever is here… is here.
So I open my eyes and slice the potato in half.
The two halves sit in my hand as I stare down at them, and my entire body stills as my mind finally settles.
The flesh is firm and uniform, clean all the way through, with a consistent pale colour from edge to centre, with no gaps, no internal voids, and no stress fractures pulling it apart from the inside.
I close my eyes again, and a smile spreads over my lips as relief floods every part of me.
There’s still a chance they could form hollow heart in the next few weeks before harvest. The pressure points are still there, and any of them could push the field in the wrong direction if they come in too hard.
But right now, that’s not happening. And a firm belief rises inside me that it won’t happen.
Nothing in this field is going to split, break, or fall apart.
Including me.
Because I just found my courage.
My heart is only whole and complete with Levi.
And together, we have the power to live the life we want.