Chapter 48
FORTY-EIGHT
I glance out the window of my office towards the garage, and my leg bounces, like it has been all day.
It’s getting late, and I haven’t even seen Silas all day. I’ve barely seen him in the past couple days since he fell into a spiral about possibly losing everyone if they were to find out about us. That he might not be accepted by his safe people if he were to show them another side of himself.
I’m fucking worried.
My head tips back with a sigh as I run my fingers through my hair.
He’s been spraying fungicide in the fields, and then yesterday he ran some errands for Scott, so I haven’t seen him much the past couple days.
But maybe we’re also kind of avoiding each other a bit.
It’s a complicated situation, so I don’t know if we’re giving each other space to figure out our feelings or just avoiding what we don’t know how to handle.
I keep circling the same place in my head, caught between letting him figure out what he needs and going to him to help in any way I can.
But I don’t want to push… so I don’t know.
It’s not like we’re mad at each other. It’s just…
confusing. He still had that distant look every time I’ve seen him, and my heart is breaking for him.
But I can’t stay away any longer.
Without another thought, I push to my feet and close my laptop.
I need to go find him. I need to know he’s ok, and that we’re ok. I need him.
I head out of the office and straight to the garage, scanning the lot for any sign of him. The tractors are both here, so I know he’s not in the field today. He has to be here.
“Hey, Levi,” his Papa calls from one of the bays as I step into the garage.
He’s standing with Peter, Keith, and Rob, the four of them bent over something on the workbench, and I scan the open space as I head towards them.
“Hey,” I say, my eyes lingering on Silas’s workbench, which shows no sign of him having been using it today. “Have you seen Silas?”
Rob’s eyes flick to his bench as well. “He hasn’t been in here today.”
His Papa glances out the back door towards the fields. “He came down quite early this morning and went straight for the garage, but I haven’t seen him since. He’s probably out walking the fields.”
I follow his line of sight, drawing in a breath as I look out across the rows.
I hope so.
“Ok, thanks,” I say, giving them a nod. “I’ll go check.”
My heart races as I head straight for the hollow heart field. It’s not like Silas to ditch work and not tell anyone, especially his Papa. But he’s right. Silas has to be out here, walking the fields. That’s what he does when he feels anxious.
But I don’t see him here either.
Fuck.
I lift my hand to shield my eyes against the sun and scan the hollow heart field one more time, hoping he’s just crouching down somewhere and I don’t see him.
Then a sharp clang of metal-on-metal cuts through the air, and my head snaps towards the sound. Immediately, I head to where it came from, through the small clearing in the trees towards Silas’s cabin.
As soon as I break through to the other side, I come to an abrupt stop.
The hood is popped on Silas’s old truck, with tools and parts scattered on the gravel around it, and he’s stretched out underneath it with only his legs visible from where I stand.
I take a slow step forward, letting my eyes roam over the old beat-up red truck that’s been sitting here untouched for years. Silas stills as I approach, then pushes out from under the truck, his eyes widening as they land on me.
“Hey…” I say, glancing between him and the truck. “What are you doing?”
Silas grabs a rag and wipes his hands as he pushes to his feet. “Fixing it,” he says simply.
My eyes roam over the dented and scratched exterior, looking a bit rougher now compared to when we used to drive it.
But a small smile tugs at my lips as I take in the familiar dent in the bumper that I used to stick stickers to all the time to make it look like a face, just to piss him off.
And he’d spend hours scraping them off. And the same large scratch along the driver’s side door that Silas refused to paint because it was its biggest scar and made it look like it’d earned it, even though we never knew where it came from.
“I fixed the transmission, and it needed new spark plugs, and the fuel lines cleaned out, but…” he shrugs, looking at the truck as he drops the rag to the ground with his tools, “it should start now.”
I watch him for a moment as he looks over the truck, and I’m surprised to see he’s… ok.
He steps forward and pulls the driver’s door open, which groans loudly, and then he leans in and turns the key.
My pulse picks up as the engine slowly turns over, catching a couple times… before it rumbles to life.
A huge smile spreads across my face as Silas laughs, and pure joy radiates off him.
The truck sounds like shit. But the sound coming from him is music to my ears.
I watch him as he steps back, looking over it with a smile, and my heart lifts at the sight.
He loved this truck. And I never understood why he let it sit. It was the first thing he really created for himself, learning and mastering his now incredible skill at fixing anything, and he had such pride in it.
“Why did you fix it?” I ask, stepping up beside him.
His gaze roams over his truck as he tilts his head for a moment. “Because I’ve learned that scars can still function.”
I keep my eyes on him as hope rises inside me and I wait for him to continue.
“Sometimes the damage is on the inside, and sometimes it’s on the outside.
And sometimes it’s both.” He shrugs lightly.
“And when it’s on the inside, it’s harder to fix because you can’t see it.
But…” he turns to face me, “it can be fixed. And we can be whole, even with scars. It may not be perfect, but… it works. Because we gain our power back by refusing to break.”
A huge smile spreads across my face as I release a heavy breath, and emotion wells in my chest.
Relief, happiness, joy, love, appreciation… all of it. Everything I’ve ever felt for Silas pushes in and takes over.
“I told my family I’m bi.”
Jesus.
Silas’s eyebrows lift, and I rub a hand over my face.
No fucking chill.
“I didn’t tell them anything about you,” I add quickly, dropping my hand as I try to gain some composure. “Just me.”
He nods slowly. “And?”
A small laugh slips out of me as I shrug. “They were completely fine with it. I actually had to ask for their reaction.”
A smile forms on his lips, and his eyes sparkle.
“I dug up and cut open a potato,” he says, tilting his head towards the hollow heart field.
My eyes widen, and my heart thumps hard.
We’re a few weeks from harvesting that field, so if we’re going to see anything, there’s a good chance it would be showing up now in the tubers.
But he just looks back at me with an easy smile.
“It looks good,” he says. “No splits, no damage, and completely whole on the inside.”
A small laugh escapes me as I stare at him and shake my head, and intense relief flows through me.
“You make me whole, Vi,” he says, stepping closer to me. “It’s you and me. Always has been.” He reaches out and takes my hand, lacing his fingers in mine. “I love you.”
My heart thrashes as I look into his beautiful hazel eyes and step in closer, a surge of electricity rolling through me at those words. “You and me.” I slide my hands around his waist and lean in to brush my lips over his. “I love you, too.”
Silas immediately presses into me, his lips meeting mine as his hands pull me closer, and I melt into him.
We fall into a heated kiss as the truck continues to rumble next to us, and everything we’ve ever shared passes between us.
The joy, pain, loss, the moments that broke us, and the ones that brought us back together…
I hold onto all of them. Every part of him, and every part of us.
All the scars, and all the pieces that refused to break.
When we eventually part, Silas smiles, still holding me close.
“Want to go for a drive?” he asks.
My gaze slides to the truck as it sputters, then rumbles back to life.
“Is it reliable?” I ask. “It’s not going to break down?”
Silas just shrugs one shoulder. “It might.”
I look back at him, and his eyes flick between mine as a light dances in them.
“But I’m willing to take the risk if you are,” he says.
I smile and place a soft kiss on his nose.
“Well, let’s go then.”