Chapter 25
TARA
I’d never found it a struggle to rise early to go down to the kitchen to bake or head out for a swim, but getting out of bed on Saturday morning took tremendous effort.
‘I wish we could stay here all day,’ Jed said, stroking my hair back from my face after I snoozed my alarm for the second time.
‘So do I, but I’m going to have to get sorted or I’ll have nothing to serve the hungry hordes, and you’d better get home for a fresh change of clothes too, you dirty stop-out.’
He gave me a tender smile. ‘I know how much of a big step last night was for you. Are you okay with it?’
I stroked my hand down his cheek and drew him into a gentle kiss.
‘You asking me that is one of the many reasons I’m okay with it. You’ve let me set the pace, you’ve never pushed and you understand why it’s a big deal. It means the world to me. You mean the world to me.’
‘You mean the world to me too.’
We kissed once more then broke apart laughing at the sound of Hercules rattling his crate.
‘Sounds like your other alarm clock’s going off,’ Jed said.
‘Yep, and it’s not so easy to snooze that one.’
Preparing the day’s scones in the café kitchen a little later, my face ached from smiling.
Last night with Jed had been truly incredible.
He’d been so gentle with me, checking I was comfortable with everything we did.
I’d expected to feel nervous and tense being with a man after nearly fifteen years of abstinence but it hadn’t been like that at all.
I was pretty sure that taking a few months to really get to know each other, to build that trust and a deep emotional connection had been the key to such a special first time together.
With a batch of scones in the oven, I began measuring out the ingredients for a coffee and walnut cake and suddenly registered what date it had been yesterday – the first of the month.
Jed and I had first kissed on the first of the month exactly three months ago in December.
It had been a big day for him with Yorkshire’s Best opening for business followed by the Christmas lights switch-on in town and the Castle Street traders’ pub crawl.
We’d said goodbye to the traders but the steep walk up Sandy Bank from the seafront had been hard work after a few drinks.
Stopping off in a pub halfway, we’d opened up about our pasts and that’s when a blossoming friendship had moved into something so much deeper.
I was still smiling when Maria arrived for work.
‘You look happy,’ she said.
‘I’m always happy.’
‘I mean extra happy. There’s a glow about you and… Oh, my God! You and Jed. You’ve gone to the next level.’
There was no point denying it as it was written all over my face.
‘Aw, I’m so chuffed for you. Was it okay? Are you okay?’
‘It was amazing – he was amazing. He’d already exorcised my Christmas demons and my New Year ones and now he’s exorcised my intimacy ones.’
‘I remember the day we stood by the window looking at the sold sign going up over the road. You thought he was opening another café and I believe the word arrogant git might have been used. I also distinctly remember you shuddering at the thought of seeing his smug face every single day.’
I cringed as I recognised my exact words. ‘Don’t remind me.’
‘And now you’re sleeping with the enemy,’ she said, laughing. ‘Honestly, Tara, I couldn’t be happier for you both. You know I’m only teasing about how it started. I love your story and I think you’re so much stronger because of that shaky start. In fact, I think you’re perfect together.’
‘So do I.’
‘You’re not going to believe what I’ve just found in my bag,’ Jed called across the flat that evening. We were having Sunday lunch with my parents tomorrow so it made sense for him to stay over again, although we hadn’t needed an excuse, both of us eager to repeat last night.
‘Do I want to know?’ I asked, joining him in the bedroom.
‘Catch!’
I looked down at the box of condoms in my hands. A Post-it note was stuck to them displaying the message Have fun! Stay safe! accompanied by several winky faces and hearts.
‘Lucy?’ I asked, giggling.
‘Yep. When did the parent–child role reverse? I feel like I’ve just had the safe sex talk from my sixteen-year-old.’
I tossed the box back to him. ‘Does everyone know we’re sleeping together?’ I’d already told him about Maria’s reaction first thing and she hadn’t been the only one. Carly had stopped by this afternoon wanting hot chocolates for her and Bethany and she’d picked up on it immediately too.
‘It certainly looks that way. Are you bothered?’
‘I thought I would be, but I’m actually not. I know it’s only because they all care, although I have to wonder how I managed to go from being the queen of keeping my entire life secret to being such an open book. Now my two closest friends only need to take one look at me and they know everything.’
He glanced down at the box and smiled before dropping it into his bag and taking my hand in his. ‘Now that we have taken that step, there’s something we should probably talk about – make sure we’re on the same page.’
‘Children?’ I asked, gently pulling him down to sit on the bed beside me.
‘Yes. I can’t believe we haven’t discussed this before now.’
I nodded. ‘Me neither. I’ve thought about it though.’
‘And what have your thoughts been?’
I grimaced. ‘It’s hard to say in case you feel differently. I don’t want to cause any awkwardness.’
Jed adjusted his position so he could see me better. ‘Whatever your thoughts are, my feelings towards you aren’t going to change and I promise things won’t be awkward. I do have a preference but it’s not a strong one. So, go on, what are you thinking?’
I couldn’t call it on what his preference was but, reading between the lines, he was willing to go with whatever I said so I shared everything that had been going on in my head since we’d got together, from thinking that I did want children with Jed and fearing he might not want to start over through to the very recent realisation that I didn’t see children in my future after all.
‘I’m not saying it’s a categoric no,’ I concluded. ‘If you want more kids, I think it’s important we talk about it and do what’s right for both of us. So what’s your preference?’
I held my breath, hoping it wouldn’t be that he wanted a baby with me. It would be so much easier if we were both of the same mind from the outset as it wasn’t something that could be compromised on – it was either have a baby or don’t.
Jed squeezed my hand. ‘When we got together, I promised I’d always be honest with you and my true and honest thought is that, much as I love the idea of us having a child of our own and much as I would wholeheartedly throw myself into being a new dad if you wanted a baby, I’d prefer not to start over. ’
I exhaled slowly, feeling somewhat weak with relief. ‘You promise you’re not just saying that?’
‘Honesty always,’ he said. ‘Being a parent is hard – rewarding but hard. You effectively put your own life on hold – or at least parts of it – for a couple of decades. Now that the girls are in their late teens, they don’t need me so much.
They have their own lives and they want to go on holiday with friends or boyfriends instead of with me so now it’s my time to do the things I want.
Of course, there’ll always be moments when they need me like when Erin was poorly last month, and I’ll be there like a shot.
But most of the time, they’re doing their own thing and I want to do mine which means time in my studio, building my business and, most importantly, being with you. ’
‘That’s such a weight off me. I hadn’t realised how worried I was about it.’
‘You can talk to me about anything, you know. We’re in this together.’
I hugged him tightly, so grateful for how understanding he was being. He could have been annoyed that I’d been thinking about this for a while and hadn’t confided in him.
‘So we’re agreed?’ I said. ‘We’ll give the sleepless nights and dirty nappies a miss?’
‘For a child of our own, yes, but you don’t get off scot-free. Grandparent duty might kick in. Hopefully not in the next few years but you never know.’
‘Grandparents? Does that scare you?’
‘Terrifies me! It seems like only yesterday that I brought them home from the hospital.’
Jed put his arm round me and I rested my head against his shoulder.
I could imagine what a special moment that had been for him.
If life had taken a different turn, perhaps it was something I’d have experienced but the path I was on now felt like the place I was always meant to be and the decision not to try for a family was the right one for us both.
‘I would still like children in my life, though,’ I said. ‘Just older ones – teenagers ideally…’
I shared my desire to help troubled teens like Zoe even though I had no idea what that might look like at the moment. Jed smiled as I finished.
‘You really are the most outstanding woman I’ve ever met,’ he said, referencing my award. ‘I don’t know what that would look like either but, if you’re looking for a teammate, you can count on me.’
As we kissed, I had no doubts whatsoever about that. I could count on Jed for anything and he could do the same for me. We were a team, united forever.