Chapter Eighteen
Damn it! She’d known getting involved with Riley was a mistake. “We decided we were only going to be together until New Year’s. Nothing serious. This—” she pointed to the box “—this is serious.”
“Actually, you decided that. Like I said before, I never did.”
Hadn’t he? She thought he had. “You didn’t dispute it.”
“If I recall correctly, and I do, I said don’t expect me not to try to change your mind. And you promised you’d think about it.”
Panic. Why did he have to bring this up? “I haven’t changed my mind.”
“We’ve been having fun, right?”
“Yes.”
“We get each other.”
“Yes.”
“The sex is fantastic.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s good.”
“More than good.”
“Fine. It’s fantastic. So what?”
“So given all that, why haven’t you changed your mind? Why do you want to call it off at New Year’s?”
How to explain it to him when she didn’t know how to explain it to herself? “I lost my parents when I was a teenager. Your parents are great and they were wonderful to take me in. But I still lost the two most important people in my life. And I don’t think I ever really got over losing them.”
“I know that was hard. More than hard. But what does that have to do with us?”
“I don’t ever want to feel that way again. And if we get serious about each other then you’ll become the most important person in my life. I can’t risk that.”
“Your solution is to never get serious about anyone? Or is it just me you don’t want to get serious with?”
“Of course it’s not just you.”
“What are you so afraid of?”
“What if something happened to you? What if I lost you?”
“You’re talking about losing me now. What’s the difference?”
“There’s a huge difference between having a fling and then having it be over and being serious about someone and then losing them.”
“You’re saying if we broke up right now you’d be fine with it. No big deal, right?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” But it was. Damn it, he’d gotten her so confused she didn’t know what she was saying.
“I thought I could do this.” He stood and began pacing. “I thought I could convince you that we were good together and to give us a chance. But you’re not willing to do that.”
“Why do we have to talk about this now? It’s not even Christmas yet.”
He glared at her and shook his head. “You really don’t get it, do you? We have to talk about it because I’m in love with you.”
“No.” She shook her head. “No, you can’t be.”
“I am. I want to marry you, Letty. And if you weren’t so set on breaking up come New Year’s you’d admit you feel something for me too.”
Marriage? No, he didn’t mean it. “Of course I feel something for you! But it doesn’t matter. I can’t do this, Riley. I can’t.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t either.” He went to the closet and grabbed his coat.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m leaving. I can’t continue like this, loving you and knowing there’s no chance we’ll ever have more. We might as well get this over with now rather than waiting.”
“You’re breaking up with me?”
He laughed without humor. “Got it in one.”
“Don’t go.”
“There’s no point in staying. No point in dragging it out.” He opened the door and walked out without another glance at her.
*
Riley drove back to the ranch and went to the barn. He didn’t think anything would help, but being around his horses always made him feel better.
Not this time.
God, he was a fool. He should have given her more time.
Should have at least waited until New Year’s.
But from what Letty had said, it wouldn’t have made a difference.
As wrong-headed as it was, Letty had made up her mind.
She wasn’t in love with him, didn’t want to be in love with him, much less marry him.
He’d been living a pipe dream thinking he could change her mind.
After checking on the horses and petting the dogs he went back to the house. Fortunately, his parents were asleep. He sure as hell didn’t feel like talking to anyone. He got in bed, but sleep was beyond him. He was grateful when morning came, and he had an excuse to quit trying.
He went down to the kitchen where Mercy was making biscuits and gravy, one of his favorites. Sometimes he thought Mercy had a sixth sense about the family and their troubles.
“Morning, Riley. Fresh coffee is in the pot. The biscuits and gravy will be ready in a minute. I’m going to take this first batch up to your parents and then I’ll be back.”
He grunted a reply and poured himself coffee.
It was black and strong, just like he liked it.
He needed the caffeine. He took the cup to the table and sat thinking about the night before.
He’d fucked up. But what was he supposed to do when the woman he’d fallen in love with told him they were never going to get together?
“Your mama’s feeling better,” Mercy said when she returned. “But you’re not. What’s wrong?”
Mercy had been with them as long as he could remember.
She and Lorraine were particularly close, and he and Val thought of her as family.
Not another mother but a trusted family member.
More like an aunt who sometimes saw far more than he’d have liked.
“Nothing.” He took the proffered food and started eating.
Mercy pursed her lips. “Have it your way. Your mama is sure looking forward to having you and Letty to dinner tomorrow. You know, since she can’t see Val, Liam, and Vivian.
Hope it won’t be too long until the doctor relaxes those restrictions.
” She ran some water into a pan to clean it. “She’s even coming downstairs to eat.”
Damn. He hoped Mercy could find a way to soften the blow. “Letty won’t be coming to dinner.”
Mercy stopped washing and stared at him. “Why ever not?”
“We broke up.”
“What? I don’t believe it. You’re obviously crazy about her.”
“Yeah, well, she’s not crazy about me.”
“Oh, pffft. She sure is.”
“Not according to her.”
“I don’t care what you have to do but Letty needs to come to dinner. And Lorraine can’t know you’ve broken up.”
“I don’t want to tell her either, but what am I supposed to do?”
“This will send your mother into a depression, and I’m sure that won’t help her recovery. She’s still pretty frail. You and Letty are the only thing enabling her to accept that she won’t see Val and her family for Christmas. You know how crazy she is about that baby.”
“Shit.” He’d known this. Or should have, anyway. “You’re right. I’ll fix it.”
“How?”
“I don’t know yet but I’ll think of something.”
*
Christmas Eve night was generally a part of the holidays Riley liked. Not so this year. He sucked in a breath and knocked on Letty’s door. Her car was there so he hoped she was home. If not, he’d have to stick around until she was. This discussion had to happen in person.
She opened the door wearing her favorite comfy pajamas, flannel pants with Mickey and Minnie Mouse on them and a long-sleeved T-shirt. No makeup, her hair pinned up sloppily. Her startled expression gave way to a frown. “What are you doing here?”
“Can I come in? I need to talk to you.”
Without a word she stood aside, and he walked in. “Tomorrow is Christmas,” he said.
“I know. If you’ve come to apologize or try to make up—”
“I haven’t. First of all, I have nothing to apologize for. I fell in love with you. My problem, not yours. But I’m also not apologizing for that.”
“What do you want?”
He simply put it out there. Nothing but the truth would do. “I want you to come to Christmas dinner and pretend we haven’t broken up.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you love my mom.”
She sighed. “Sit down and tell me what you’re talking about.”
He told her about talking to Mercy and admitting they’d broken up.
How Mercy had pointed out that it would break his mom’s heart if Letty didn’t show up tomorrow.
Not to mention, in Mercy’s and his opinion, probably set back her recovery.
He reminded her that she was the only guest the doctor had approved, and that Lorraine was devastated that she’d miss baby Vivian’s first Christmas.
Compassion instantly softened her expression. “Oh, poor Lorraine. I know how excited she was about the baby’s first Christmas.”
“She was. First grandchild and all that. You’re the one she’s looking forward to being with now.”
“If I do this, how long do we have to pretend we’re still together?”
“A couple of days. I’ll wait for a few days after Christmas to tell her we broke up. She’ll still be upset but at least it won’t be Christmas.”
“What will you tell her is the reason we broke up?”
“The truth. Mostly. Not about the fling but that I wanted more than you were willing to give.”
“That’s not exactly true. It’s not more than I’m willing to give.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s more than I’m able to give.”
“Tomato tomahto. What do you suggest I tell her, then?”
“I don’t know! Maybe just say we found out we don’t want the same things and decided to call it off before we got any more involved.”
“Fine.” He didn’t really care. Was he mad? Hell, yes. Was he being unreasonable? Yes to that too. She’d told him up front she didn’t want anything serious, and he’d gone ahead and fallen for her, dumbass that he was. “Should I pick you up?”
“No, I’ll bring my car.”
“So you can leave as soon as possible.”
“It’s going to be hard enough as it is.”
She had that right. “Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
As he was leaving she said, “Riley?” He stopped and turned around. “I’m sorry it happened this way.”
“Are you?” With that he turned and went down the steps.