Chapter Nineteen
Normally, Letty went to the Fletchers’ at Christmas and there was a big crowd. She still missed her parents all these years later, so Christmas was always a little melancholy for her. But the Fletchers had always included her as family and that helped a lot. But she was dreading this year.
To go and have to pretend everything was fine with her and Riley was going to be torture.
Val had asked her—and Riley—to come by that morning but she had declined with a made-up excuse she didn’t think Val bought for a moment.
Later in the morning, Val called and said she and Liam had a cold so it was just as well she’d said no.
Riley wasn’t going since he didn’t want to get sick and expose Lorraine to it either.
Val asked her if everything was all right and she’d lied and said fine, but she suspected her best friend knew something was up. She doubted Riley would have told her they’d broken up and she didn’t plan to tell anyone until Riley had told his parents.
She’d made a huge mistake. She should never have started anything with Riley in the first place.
Letty had thought the two of them could have a fling and then go their own ways, but that had been a supremely stupid idea.
Of course she’d fallen for Riley. He was everything she could want in a man.
He was smart, kind, loving and not afraid to show it.
To his family, to her, to his friends, to all his animals.
And if she wasn’t so scared of falling deeply in love with him and losing him, she’d tell him she loved him and wanted to stay together.
But she was scared. It was such a deep-seated fear she couldn’t ignore it.
She’d had it since she was seventeen and her parents died in the car accident.
When she was younger she’d hoped the fear would go away, but it never had.
Counseling hadn’t helped. Nothing had. She was doomed to be alone because she couldn’t risk loving a man and losing him.
Riley was damn near perfect. But she couldn’t risk losing Riley. So she couldn’t fall in love with him.
Except she already had. But she’d get over it. She had to.
There was nothing to do except go to Christmas at the Fletchers’ and pretend she and Riley hadn’t broken up and hope they pulled it off.
*
“I don’t understand why you didn’t go get Letty,” Lorraine said to Riley for at least the fifth time. His mom was ensconced on the sofa in the den and had been busy trying to run things from there. She wasn’t having a lot of success.
“She wanted her own car, Mom.” He was trying to be nice but his patience was wearing thin.
“When will she be here?”
“Anytime now.”
“Val sent a video of Vivian from this morning. It’s not as good as seeing her, of course, but it was sweet of her. She says we’re going to video chat later on.”
“Good. I’m sorry they can’t be with us. But we’ll have next year, and Vivian will be old enough to understand what’s going on a little better by then.”
He escaped to the barn to check on the horses. He wished he hadn’t been so hasty in breaking up with Letty. But he couldn’t keep his real feelings to himself for any longer. And as he should have known, Letty had freaked out.
He wasn’t sure why Letty was so set on not falling in love. Or pretending to herself that she didn’t love him. Because he believed she did. It had something to do with her parents and losing them, but her reasoning made no sense to him.
“Riley?”
He looked up to see Letty standing in the barn doorway.
He’d been petting Meteor but he stopped and met her partway.
She looked beautiful in her puffy warm jacket, a short skirt, leggings, and boots.
Her hair was fluttering around her face, the short strands a rich brown.
He ached to sink his hands in it while he kissed her, but that wasn’t going to happen.
“Mom’s been asking about you. I’m glad you came. ”
“I don’t want to break up.”
His heart leapt but he told himself it was too good to be true. “Ever?”
“No…but I don’t want to break up right now. We said we were going to have fun until New Year’s. We’re supposed to part as friends then.”
And he’d been right. “I can’t part as friends when I don’t want to part at all.”
“So it’s all or nothing with you?”
“Yes. I told you I’m in love with you.” He thought about asking her if she loved him, but he wasn’t a masochist. Even if she did, or especially if she did, she’d deny it.
“You’re not in love with me. You’re in love with who you think I am. Who you think I should be.”
“You’re wrong, Letty. I know exactly who you are. And I love you the way you are, not the way I think you should be. When have I ever wanted you to be different than who you are?”
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t. I can’t do what you want.”
“You could if you’d just admit how you feel about me.” She wouldn’t, though. If Letty admitted she loved him she’d have to admit she didn’t want to break up either.
“We need to go in. I’m sure dinner is going to be ready soon and I haven’t seen your parents yet. I came straight here.”
Riley didn’t speak. He simply followed her to the house.
“Letty!” Lorraine exclaimed. “I’m so happy you came. I haven’t seen nearly enough of you lately. I’m hoping to be cleared by my doctor soon to see the rest of the family.”
“Happy to have you, Letty,” Jasper said gruffly.
She hugged both of them, then sat and talked to Lorraine while Riley left to help Mercy.
“I’m so glad Letty came. Did you and she work things out?”
“Depends on what you call working out.”
“Not good, huh?”
“Nope.” Since he really didn’t want to talk about it he changed the subject. “What do you need me to do?”
Mercy indicated a number of dishes full of various foods.
Turkey and corn bread dressing, gravy, green beans, a potato dish, rolls, cranberry sauce—all the fixings of a traditional Southern dinner.
Mercy was proudly Southern and the holiday meals she cooked reflected that.
“Take those out and put them on the sideboard. The table is set for the four of you. Lorraine swears she feels well enough to be up and about that long. I’m not so sure, but I know you’ll keep an eye on her. ”
“Count on it.”
A short time later, Mercy left to go home to her family.
Jasper and Riley were in charge of cleaning up after the meal.
If they didn’t know where something belonged, Mercy had told them to leave it on the sideboard in the dining room.
Riley was surprised Jasper had agreed to help clean up.
He’d never done so before, but then, Lorraine had never been recovering from pneumonia before.
Jasper said the blessing and they all began to eat.
“Did you and Letty go to church last night?” Lorraine asked. “This is the first time in I don’t know how long I wasn’t able to attend the Christmas Eve midnight service.”
They’d been too busy breaking up to go to church, but he couldn’t say that. Thankfully, Letty stepped in. “A new friend of mine asked us to attend her church. It’s a really small church outside of Livingston.”
“As long as you went to church,” Jasper said.
Riley exchanged a grateful glance with Letty. They both knew Jasper was religious and while he wouldn’t dream of trying to control which church they went to, he’d have been very disappointed if they hadn’t gone at all.
His mother didn’t say anything, but she gave him and Letty a thoughtful look. Crap. She wasn’t buying it. He’d have to make it a point to avoid her after Letty went home.
*
After dinner and dessert, Riley walked Letty out.
Neither of them said anything. She wanted him to come to her apartment.
Wanted to be with him, one last time. But she couldn’t lead Riley on.
Even if they didn’t break up now and waited until after New Year’s, she couldn’t afford to keep going like they were.
She’d only fall more in love with him than she already had.
She should have known better. Should have realized how hard it would be for them to have ‘just a fling.’ But she’d wanted him, even if only for a little while.
Riley opened her car door when they reached her car. “Be careful. It looks like snow, but maybe it will hold off until you get home.”
“I’m sure I’ll be fine. Do you want me to call or text when I get home?”
“I’d say no, but my mother will ask if you got there all right.” He paused and added reluctantly, “And I’ll worry too.”
She still hadn’t gotten into her car. “Will I see you again?”
He looked at her, his expression grim. “Not anytime soon. I have a lot to do here and like I said, there’s no point dragging this out.”
“You want a clean break.”
“No.” He frowned at her. “I don’t want a break at all. But since you do, it might as well be now.”
“You think I’m wrong, don’t you?”
“Are you trying to start a fight? Will that make you feel justified in what you’re doing? You know exactly where I stand. I told you. More than once.”
“And I told you our fling could only last until New Year’s. I told you that before we ever got together.”
“I remember. That would be fine if this was a fling. But it isn’t. Is it, Letty? It hasn’t been from the first.”
She had no answer to that. Because to answer him she’d have to agree with him.
So she got in her car, put on her seat belt and started the drive to her apartment.
She made the mistake of looking back in her rearview mirror.
Riley was still standing there, watching her leave.
Part of her wanted to turn back, tell him she was sorry, tell him she didn’t want to break up.
Tears stung her eyes. Even as they rolled down her cheeks, she tried to remind herself that this was for the best. But how could something that was ripping her heart out be the right thing?