Chapter 4 #3
Joshua tipped his glass at him, then took another sip. “I feel so stupid now, looking back, seeing what was right in front of me the whole time. Except how was I supposed to figure it out, when Benji didn’t even know until a few months ago?”
“Know what?”
Joshua glanced around the half-empty place, then leaned in. “Benji thinks he’s asexual, but he didn’t realize it until this spring. And he’s been scared to tell me.”
Van tilted his head, a bit stunned by that one. “But you two have been fucking, right?”
“Yes, and apparently there’s a whole spectrum of ace identities.
Benji knotted himself into pretzel trying to explain he enjoys sex and isn’t turned off by it, he just doesn’t feel sexual attraction, and that I never forced him to do anything he wasn’t into.
But I still feel like such an asshole. I mean, we met in college and I knew going into it that he’d never had sex before, and we dated a few months before he was comfortable moving past hand jobs, and he never initiated anything, it was always me, and he never once hooked up with another guy, even though he had permission .
. .” Joshua huffed a few times. “I’m rambling. ”
“A little.” The rambling was also kind of endearing, because it meant Joshua was nervous and—nope. Not endearing. Not even a little bit. “Okay, so Benji discovers something huge about himself, he tells you, and you tell him what?”
“That I love him. I asked questions, and I tried to understand. I hate the idea that I could have ever forced him into a sexual situation he didn’t want, but he insisted I never did, and I believe him.”
Okay, now Van was officially confused. “So why did you break up?”
Joshua’s shoulders sagged. “Back in June, Benji asked for us to close the relationship. No more one-offs with other people.”
Van didn’t need to hear the end of that story. “You said no.”
“I have my reasons.”
“I bet you do. What were Benji’s reasons?”
“He needed to know that he was good enough for me.” Joshua’s voice got tight and strangled. “And he is. He’s an amazing, loving, energetic guy, and I love him so much.”
“But you won’t close the relationship and be loyal to him for reasons?”
“He’s on the road all the time with Fading Daze. He’s living his dream, and I’m so happy for him. Proud of him. He’s better off free of me.”
“Did he tell you that?”
Joshua drained his first glass and started on the second. “Not in those words. But he was right about one thing. He deserves to be loved by a guy who needs him and only him.”
Van chewed on that while he ate a few more oysters. Joshua’s sandwich and chips appeared. He peeked under the bun, probably assessing the house-made tartar sauce, then took a big bite. Chewed. His dark eyes lit up as the special ingredient hit his palette.
“Damn, what is in that?” Joshua asked.
“The batter has red chili flakes and Old Bay.”
“Wow.”
“Told you so.”
“Fine, you’re right. And help yourself to my chips, I won’t be able to eat them all.”
“Thanks.” Van did not intend to touch those greasy things. “Okay, so what I’m getting here is you both still love each other, Benji wants commitment, but you won’t do it. Why?”
“Because things are good the way they are. Why change what’s working?”
“Except it’s not working, obviously. Not if you guys broke up.”
Joshua gave him an exasperated look. “No shit, I figured that one out, thanks. That’s my reason, though. Being open worked for three years.”
“For you maybe. It’s obviously not something Benji wanted or needed, if you said he never hooked up with other people.”
“But I didn’t know that until two days ago.”
“So Benji dumps all this truth on you, but you still recite the party line? Shit, I’d have dumped you too.”
Joshua flinched.
Van held up his hands. “Look, you wanted an unbiased, outsider’s opinion, so I’m giving you one. What’s the real reason you won’t commit? That deep down, in your gut fear that’s keeping you from being exclusive with someone who sounds like a great guy. Plus the whole rock star thing is super hot.”
Hell, Benji was super hot, and Van totally would have hit that back in July—except why was Benji hitting on him so hard if he was ace?
That was odd. Only not really, because Benji and Joshua had the exclusivity conversation in June.
Van didn’t remember seeing Joshua that July night.
He hadn’t been with Benji. Had Benji been purposely seeking out a hookup to prove something to Joshua? Or himself?
“What?” Joshua asked. “What’s that look for?”
“Full disclosure? You know the weekend Fading Daze came down to the shore to visit Lincoln and practice for Unbound?”
“Yeah.” Joshua put his sandwich down, once again laser focused. Intense.
“Benji and I got into some heavy flirting at the bar. Things were definitely looking toward future naked times, except I had to leave suddenly to help a friend out of a jam. And that look, my friend? That look on your face is exactly why you don’t want to lose Benji.
Jesus.” Van had seen some epic glares of jealousy, but Joshua had the whole “back off, he’s mine” thing down.
Joshua seemed to have trouble getting his facial muscles under control. “Sorry. It’s just, he’s never talked about hooking up with anyone, for obvious reasons now, so I’m not used to hearing about him flirting with other people. Especially—” He cut himself off, then took a big bite of food.
Van was so not having mercy. “Especially what?”
He mumbled something around his mouthful.
Van waited patiently until Joshua had swallowed, then put a hand on his wrist so he didn’t eat more. “Especially what?”
It was hard to tell under the dim lights, but he was sure Joshua blushed. “Especially not with guys I’m into,” he said softly. So soft Van almost missed the confession.
And he kind of wished he had missed it, because the words caressed his skin like the gentlest of fingertips, reminding him of how attracted he was to Joshua. Not that he was going to act on it. This was talking only.
Complicated relationship is mega-complicated.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Van said. “What’s the real reason you won’t commit?”
Joshua finished his second drink, and then flagged the waiter down for a third. Van had a funny feeling he’d be driving the guy home at this point. Some people needed liquid courage in order to be honest about themselves.
Probably why Van didn’t drink.
“My parents are horrible people,” Joshua said once the third drink made its way to the table.
“I mean, they didn’t abuse me or my siblings, but they were incredibly toxic together, and for whatever reason, instead of divorcing and trying to be happy apart, they seemed to love making each other miserable by cheating.
Constantly. Openly. They didn’t even try to hide it from us kids. ”
Van tried to digest that tidbit. His own parents hadn’t been fonts of love and acceptance, but they seemed to care for each other. Respected each other and the roles they played in the marriage. “That sucks, Joshua. Really sucks. But what does that have to do with Benji?”
“They were married. In a committed relationship. But they still cheated all over each other. I just . . .” Joshua’s face scrunched up.
“I’m fucking terrified that closing the relationship is the beginning of the end.
That one of us will meet someone we’re intensely attracted to.
” He glanced at Van’s face, then back at the table.
“I’m scared one of us will cheat, and I couldn’t stand it if Benji ever cheated on me. Or if I did on him. It would kill me.”
The genuine grief in Joshua’s voice hammered his words home and made Van’s heart ache for him. “Do you honestly think, especially knowing what you know now, that Benji would ever cheat on you?”
“No.” Joshua didn’t pause to think.
“Do you think you’d cheat on him?”
“I don’t know. My parents are serial cheaters. My sister cheated on her husband. One of my brothers cheated on a girlfriend with two other chicks. I guess I’m scared that it’s genetic, you know?”
Van frowned. “So the open relationship loophole gives you an out. You sleep with someone else, you don’t have to feel guilty about it?”
Joshua opened and shut his mouth several times. “I don’t know. I never thought about it like that.”
At that point, Van wasn’t sure if he wanted to smack Joshua in the face or give him a hug.
And his indecision made him all kinds of determined.
“Dude, if you really love Benji, and you want to be with him, then fucking man up, close it up, and grovel for his forgiveness. Being a good partner means trusting the other person and trusting yourself. You can’t live your life expecting to turn out like your parents. ”
Words everyone ought to live by, no matter their childhood. And that sealed Van’s decision to see this through. “Tell yourself you’re not them, Joshua, and go get your boyfriend back.”