Chapter 5
FIVE
A gentle rocking motion clued Joshua into the general oddity of his current situation, as he slowly began to wake.
The haze of a hangover lingered, leaving his stomach queasy and his eyes aching, and the motion wasn’t helping.
He blinked into sunshine, surprised to realize he was in someone’s car, belted into a reclined seat.
“The hell?”
“Good afternoon, sunshine.” Familiar voice. Driver.
Joshua had a bad view of the guy’s profile, because of his reclined state, but he recognized the sharp line of Van’s jaw. “Where are we?”
“Bay Bridge Tunnel, about ten minutes from your boyfriend.”
“What?” He groped the side of the seat for the lever, so he could sit upright. The action made his insides twist all around. His mouth tasted like stale Coke and fish.
Sure enough, they were on one of the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel’s exterior bridges, surrounded by water on all sides, with the shores of Virginia Beach looming in the distance.
The last thing he really remembered was Van demanding he go get Benji back, and then ordering him another drink. A really strong one.
“Christ, man, did you kidnap me?” Joshua asked.
“To be fair, when I asked if you were up for a road trip, you slurred yes, then tried to kiss me.”
He grunted. “Great. Now other people are orchestrating my love life. Fantastic.”
“You’re the one who laid your love life in my lap, pal. I’m trying to give you a kick in the pants to get over yourself and not lose a guy you are clearly in love with and don’t want to give up.”
“I don’t want to lose him.” Joshua studied Van’s profile, stuck somewhere between annoyed at the kidnapping and grateful for the interference. He probably wouldn’t have had the guts to come by himself. “Thank you.”
“Paying it forward.”
“What’s that mean, exactly?”
Van’s fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter. “It means someone helped me out when I needed it, so I’m doing you this favor. You pay me back by doing someone else a favor with no expectation of return.”
“Got it.” Joshua glanced out the window. “How do you even know where to find Benji?”
“After you passed out in my car, I played an epic game of phone tag that eventually got me in contact with Danielle Townsend, who had quite an earful for me.”
“What did she yell at you for?”
“Oh no, not directed at me. Mostly about how miserable Benji is and what a selfish prick you are. I may have soothed her ruffled feathers by dropping hints that you were on your way here to grovel. It’s the only reason she told me what hotel they’re staying at.”
Joshua slumped deeper into his seat. “They must all hate me. You see? This is why I wanted to talk to you. Everyone is probably on his side, ready to crucify me for the entire thing. Heap all the blame.”
“Well, you are to blame, aren’t you?”
“Could you at least pretend to be on my side?”
Van laughed. “I’m staying a neutral party in this, sorry.”
“Fine.” He wasn’t the least bit angry at Van, though.
Totally the opposite. Shut up inside of the sporty little two-door car, he caught the scent of Van’s cologne.
A subtle mix of spicy and sweet that matched the man’s personality.
It also made Joshua’s pulse speed up, just like the first moment he spotted Van at Off Beat.
He caught himself leaning closer to get a stronger sniff and backed off.
If he was going to try and fix things with Benji, Van was off limits.
Van was also sex on two legs, and Joshua hadn’t had sex in months, and those thoughts were not helping his body’s reaction to their proximity. The very last thing he needed was to arrive at Benji’s hotel sporting a boner for Van.
“What if Benji isn’t there?” Joshua asked.
“He will be.”
“Danielle?”
“Yup. It helps to have a secret ally to orchestrate things behind the scenes. Benji hasn’t been very sociable with the band outside of performances, so she didn’t have to do much to convince him to stay inside and mope.”
“He’s moping?” Joshua hated the idea of Benji miserable because of him. His sweet, bubbly front man, who had a smile for everyone. “I’m such a bastard.”
“But also a self-aware bastard.”
He glared. Van winked at him.
Joshua had never been to Virginia Beach before, so he studied the city as Van maneuvered them down the streets, past hotels and tourist traps and a lot of college-aged wanderers in various states of dress.
Van pulled into the parking structure of one of the hotels and found a space.
Joshua got out on stiff, unsteady legs. Long car rides spent passed out drunk were not conducive to proper posture, and he took a minute to stretch sore muscles.
“He’s in room 704,” Van said.
Joshua turned. “What are you going to do while I’m upstairs groveling?”
“I’ll keep myself occupied. Call if you need a ride home.”
“If? You got me here, how the hell else am I supposed to get back?”
Van shrugged. “Depends on how things shake out with your boyfriend, I guess, but I’ll be in town for a few hours. I took a sick day, so Beatrice knows I won’t be in tonight.”
“You took off work to help me?” Joshua’s heart thumped harder at the unexpectedly generous gesture.
“Don’t make a big deal out of it. I get to wander a beach town instead of sling drinks for eight hours. You’re doing me a favor.”
Joshua believed him. Van was a walking mystery, but he was definitely a decent human being, and Joshua was lucky to have him on his side. Neutral party or not, he’d made a friend. “Thank you, Van. I mean it.”
“Gee, you’re going to make me cry. Go.”
With a soft chuckle, Joshua pivoted and strode toward the hotel’s garage elevator, determined to somehow make this right.
Benji stared at his phone’s screen, not really interested in the game he was losing.
He had no motivation to get out of bed and do something else.
Saturday afternoon television was boring as hell.
The beach had way too many people. Even going downstairs to the hotel restaurant held absolutely no appeal.
All he wanted to do was stay in bed between performances and try to pretend his heart wasn’t broken.
He’d opened his messenger program to text Joshua at least a dozen times today, and each time he closed the app without typing anything.
What was there to say? It wasn’t as if Joshua had reached out to him.
Maybe it truly was better this way. They’d never really talked about the future in anything other than amorphous terms. No plans for buying a house somewhere, or even for getting married.
It was always about the next time their paths would cross.
Benji loved being on the road, but not forever. One day he wanted to settle down with someone who understood and respected his sexuality. He’d hoped Joshua would be that guy, but that dream was shattered to pieces.
Not everyone gets their happily ever after.
The depressing thought kind of made him hate Dominic and Lincoln for finding their guys.
Someone knocked on the door, startling Benji into dropping his phone. Had one of the others forgotten their key card? Bobby had a bad habit of doing that, leaving his key in the wrong pair of shorts. Benji slid out of bed and crossed the room.
“You forget your key again, B—?” The question died in his throat as he opened the door and spotted the person on the other side.
Joshua was pale and a little shaky, like someone getting over the flu, but he stood there with his shoulders back, and his dark eyes wide.
Almost hopeful. And so fucking handsome it made Benji’s heart ache.
A heart that loved this man so much and didn’t know where all of that love was supposed to go.
“Hi,” Joshua said. So timid. Not like himself at all.
“What are you doing here?” Benji asked.
Joshua went down to both knees right there in the hallway. “Begging your forgiveness.”
“What?”
“I am a selfish prick, and you deserve better than me, but I love you and I want to try and be the guy you deserve.”
Benji stared, stunned by the admission and the heartfelt delivery. He’d never seen Joshua so emotionally vulnerable, as if the future of the world depended on Benji’s response. The whole thing made him want to weep. He also didn’t want to have this conversation in public.
“Get off your knees,” Benji said. “Come in.”
Joshua stood with a relieved smile. He glanced around the room, which was packed with luggage and instrument cases. “Thank you for hearing me out. You had every right to slam the door in my face.”
Benji couldn’t imagine a scenario in which he’d do that. He also didn’t want to give in and take Joshua back simply because he ached from the pain of losing him. “You know what I need from you, Josh. That hasn’t changed.”
“I know. A friend helped me realized that I needed to be completely honest with you about why I’m terrified to commit to us.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want to turn into my parents.”
Benji had heard this excuse before. “I know. You told me about what happened with your ex-brother-in-law.”
They’d been together for six months before Joshua admitted that his deepest trust issues stemmed from his older sister Megan’s ex-husband Kirk molesting him twice when he was ten years old.
When he told the truth to get the abuse to stop, Megan and his parents hadn’t believed him.
They called him a liar, accused him, as the youngest, of acting out to get attention.
The whole thing had put Joshua onto a path of fucking around, but not dating. He hadn’t been able to trust anyone enough to get close. Until Benji.
I was able to give him something to believe in.
“It’s more than what happened with Kirk,” Joshua said. “My parents have cheated on each other their entire marriage.”