Chapter 18 #2
“But isn’t leaving that out still kind of like lying?” Benji asked.
“Depends on your point of view, I guess.”
“I agree with Joshua on this,” Van added.
“I’m a lifetime bartender. Joshua is a part-time stock boy on a spiritual journey to find himself.
” Joshua flipped him off. “You’re the one with the most to lose in terms of being out there every day, in front of an audience, fighting for your dream.
We’ll support you, however you choose to handle this. ”
Benji blinked rapidly, his eyes glistening. “God, I love you guys.”
Van’s stomach fell through the floor, while his heart tried to pound its way out of his chest. Benji froze, completely still, his eyes locked with Van’s.
He didn’t retract the statement, or try to amend the words.
Instead, he seemed to be waiting for Van to react.
The words were there, deep down, but they refused to make it to his mouth, so Van simply stared as awe and wonder washed over him.
He hadn’t had anyone declare romantic love for him in a long, long time.
Joshua broke the spell by planting a wet kiss on Benji’s temple. “Back at you, baby.”
“Yeah,” Van said. It was all he had for now.
And apparently, it was enough, because Benji relaxed. “You guys ready to go?” he asked.
Van pitched his voice low. “To sleep or to fool around?”
It made Benji laugh. “I’m all for watching you two fool around, if that’s what you want to do.”
Joshua quirked an eyebrow at Van.
Oh, it’s on.
“Check, please,” Van said.
Joshua lay awake long after Benji and Van fell asleep, their breathing evening out into gentle snores.
After being fucked through the mattress once more by Van, with Benji watching and occasionally giving orders, they’d cleaned up and tumbled into bed.
Cuddling Benji between himself and Van was his new favorite thing, and the queen-sized bed had them all pressed close.
We need a bigger bed.
Despite his physical exhaustion, Joshua couldn’t sleep. He stared at the ceiling, keenly aware of Benji’s hand on his chest, and unable to shake a sense of guilt over the conversation at dinner.
He hated how relieved he’d been when Benji decided not to tell the band about their threesome yet, and it had everything to do with the secret Joshua was keeping from him—and, by extension, from Van.
The cancelled venues and latent homophobia that had been the cause of their unexpected October vacation.
If a few pictures of Benji making out with a dude could cause this kind of ripple in the band’s career, announcing he was in a poly relationship could be devastating.
The band obviously hadn’t mentioned anything to Benji about the secret they were keeping, because if he’d found out he was the cause of cancelled shows, Benji would have come to Joshua with it. Benji deserved to know the truth, but Joshua also understood why he hadn’t been told.
It certainly left Joshua in a tricky situation, basically lying to two men—one man he’d loved for years, and another he was slowly but surely falling in love with.
Benji’s declaration at dinner hadn’t surprised Joshua as much as it could have; Benji wore his heart on his sleeve.
All of the trust and affection he’d shown Van in such a short time period meant a lot.
Maybe Van was who he needed all along, and I was just a stand-in.
Scary thoughts for three in the morning, and they plagued him through restless dreams of being hunted in a foggy forest by an unknown enemy.
He ran and ran, and still the enemy lurked, waiting to catch him unaware.
To tear him down and destroy him. Take away everything good in his life and leave him alone, unwanted. Unloved.
“Joshua, wake up.”
He snapped awake, hands flailing in front of his face. Benji captured his arms and held them tight, his forehead creased with worry lines. Joshua relaxed into the pillow and took several deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart.
“What’s up?” Van asked groggily.
“Sorry,” Joshua said. “Bad dream.”
“In a bed with all this sexy hotness?” Benji teased. “I think I’m insulted.”
He tugged Benji down for a hug. “Sorry to disappoint. Stupid brain.”
“Hey, don’t insult the man I love.” Benji somehow rolled them so Joshua was in the middle of the bed, book-ended by him and Van. “Want to talk about it?”
“Not much to talk about. It was all too vague, mostly a sense of being chased by something awful.”
Van bent his elbow and rested his head on his hand. “You have nightmares a lot? Or was it being in a strange bed?”
It’s probably guilt over lying to my boyfriends.
“I had more nightmares when I was an adolescent,” Joshua admitted.
“It was a crazy confusing time for me. Not only had a trusted adult made me suck his dick twice when I didn’t want to, but as I got older I starting figuring out I liked girls and guys, and the guy part freaked me out because of what Kirk did.
But in high school, there was a Gay-Straight Alliance, and joining that helped me figure out what it meant to be bi, and that the abuse had nothing to do with it. The nightmares got better.”
Benji curled up close and rested his head on Joshua’s shoulder. “They got bad again after the car accident.”
“Yeah.” He ruffled Benji’s wild hair. “Almost dying fucks with your head a little.”
Van tensed. “I know this isn’t sexy pillow talk, but I have to admit, when I found out Emmett had caused that car accident, I was surprised you guys forgave him so easily.”
“I don’t know if I’d call it easy.” Joshua had struggled with a lot of pent-up anger over the car accident and his own long recovery, but he’d gotten through it with Benji’s love and support.
“The kid has been through hell and back, with his family being killed and all. Having him arrested wouldn’t have helped anyone. ”
“I think we all felt that way,” Benji added. “Do you think your nightmare was about the accident?”
“Maybe. Maybe it was my subconscious reminding me how much I have to lose.”
“Some people move in and out of your life, and all you can do is love them while they’re there.”
“And others hope to stay for a long time,” Van said softly.
The bald emotion in his voice made Joshua’s heart turn over.
He tugged Van down, into a one-armed embrace.
With the other, he held Benji harder against him.
They settled like that, a content threesome, a pile of arms and legs and beating hearts, with so many unsaid things floating above them.
Declarations and secrets and uncertainties about their future.
One day at a time.
Benji hated driving away from Van’s place that morning. Hated it to his core. It felt too much like abandoning him, so Benji and Joshua could go on a fun road trip. That hollow disappointment fueled his anxiety the closer they got to the beach house and any questions their friends might have.
Andy and Danielle were visiting Andy’s family, but that still left nosy inquiries from Bobby and Lincoln.
Less so from Emmett, because he simply wasn’t the nosy type.
But when they got into the house, it was silent and empty.
Benji could breathe more easily while he packed for two nights, tossing the essentials into a duffel bag with Joshua’s stuff.
Them sharing a bed while visiting home had never bothered Benji’s parents.
They didn’t chat much on the drive north, other than the occasional comment about traffic or a shitty driver.
His parents’ unassuming, two-story home in the suburbs of Philadelphia was the only place Benji had lived that he truly thought of as home.
He’d lived there from fifteen onward, until he joined Fading Daze and began spending the majority of his time in motel rooms up and down the coast.
Sometimes he missed the stability of living at home and driving to local gigs night after night. Mostly he wanted the chance to stay in one place for longer than a week and figure out this poly thing with Joshua and Van, because he really, really wanted it to work.
They arrived around one in the afternoon.
The Honda Civic his parents had shared for the last fifteen-odd years was parked in the short driveway, so Joshua found a spot on the street.
Benji had texted his dad before they hit the road, so their arrival was marked by the front door opening and spilling both of his smiling parents onto the stoop.
Benji gave a peal of happy laughter and hugged his mom Erin first. She was a tall, broad-shouldered woman who gave the best hugs.
He’d inherited her wavy brown hair and wide eyes, but everything else came from his father, Lloyd.
Dad was six inches shorter, with a slim build and no sign of gray in his blond hair.
He’d also grown out a beard, which was weird.
“Going mountain man or something?” Benji asked after hugging him hard, and for a long time. His dad had been his best friend most of his life.
“Trying a new look,” Dad replied. “Not a fan?”
“You’ve never had a beard before. It’s weird.”
“I like it,” Joshua said.
Dad snickered. “Well, then, Erin hates it, so that’s one for, one against, and one undecided. Your tiebreaker is the difference between me keeping it, and me shaving.”
“Hmmmm . . .” Benji stroked his chin. “Don’t shave it, then.”
Mom pretended to huff. “You boys have lunch yet? I’ve got leftover meatloaf in the fridge, or we can go out to that Italian place you love.”
“Sonny’s!” He didn’t have to think about it. Sonny’s Brick Oven made the best homemade ravioli, and they were famous for their gigantic pizza pies.
“Sounds like we’re going out,” Dad said, and offered to drive.