Chapter 23 #2
Okay, so he’s Zach’s brother. Shouldn’t it be similar?
Shouldn’t his hand have the same soft heat to it?
Shouldn’t it send a thrill up my arm? Because it doesn’t.
It’s more like an icky creepy tingle. What the hell am I doing?
I put on a sweet but fake grin and bear it while we approach the restaurant in silence.
Maybe he’ll be scared and let go before we get there.
I reach up and grab my amethyst bottle coyly to make it look like I find the hand-holding cute. Hopefully he doesn’t sense my intention being sent up to Freyja.
Please get me out of this, Freyja. I’m literally begging you.
This is getting too awkward. I don’t know what to say, and I’m getting the idea he doesn’t either.
We’re only a car length from our destination when he finally makes conversation again. I guess I could do it, I tend to talk enough, but I don’t really want to.
“You play any sports?” Hayden asks.
“Not really.” I shrug.
“Ah.” He looks at me with this weird grin. “I guess I already knew that, didn’t I?
“Huh? How?” I ask before thinking.
“From before.” Hayden steps ahead of me to get the door and waves for me to go in first. At least he’s a gentleman. “I’m sure I’ve asked you that before. It’s so weird.”
It’s warm in here, thank the gods. The lights are a little dim, but it’s a nice glow, and the fluorescent signs dotting the wall give it a more roadhouse feel.
The hostess is waiting at a wooden podium when we shut the door.
She’s tall—well, taller than me, which isn’t saying much—and standing with her hands set on the podium just out of sight.
There’s a petite and ritzy look about her.
“Will it be two tonight?” She smiles at me, then Hayden, but the left side of her lips jumps when she finds Hayden.
“Uh, yes,” Hayden grumbles and swallows.
Is he nervous? Does she know him?
“Follow me,” she says, and we wind through mostly empty tables, past the bar.
“It’s not weird. Promise.” I pick our conversation back up as I slide into the booth the hostess stops at. “What’s weird is that you were in a coma.”
“You two have a good night. Your server will be here in a moment.” The hostess nods at Hayden and steps away.
He grins as she leaves, the nerves blossoming all over his face. Jealousy? No. Of course not. It can’t be. I wait until she’s out of earshot before talking again.
“How many people can say that?” I ask.
“What?” Hayden jerks back to reality.
“How many people can say they were in a coma?” I repeat, realizing on the second mention it doesn’t sound as great a point as I’d previously thought.
“How many people want to?” He leans over the table, eyes wider than a second ago.
“True.” I bow my head.
“It’s okay,” he laughs. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I still can barely believe I was asleep for thirteen days. For me, it was like I fell asleep and then I was awake. It’s ridiculous.”
“Seriously. So ridiculous,” I breathe.
“And woke up not remembering you.” He blows out his lips like an explosion. “That’s a lot.”
“Yeah,” I whisper.
“Okay, so you don’t play sports.” He settles back, returning to his previous line of questions. “At all? None?”
I giggle. I don’t want to, but it just feels like the thing to do. “Not really. It’s not like I’ve never. It’s just not something I do for fun. I did play basketball with Zach like a week or two ago.”
And there I go bringing Zachary into the conversation again. Stop it, Kenzie.
“I like to watch more. It’s exciting. Especially basketball and baseball,” I tell him. “Oh, and soccer. I do like watching soccer. And I’ll go to football for the late-night post-game Cook Out tailgating.”
“You and Zach played? Where?” he asks after waiting patiently for me to finish rattling off my viewing habits.
“Yeah, up at your house,” I tell him. “Your mom thought he needed someone to play with since you were asleep.”
“Hey now, not my fault,” he comes back.
“Not mine either, for the record.” I put up a finger.
“Of course not.” He grins. “Landon’s fault, right? He’s the one I get to sue?”
“Please don’t sue him,” I laugh. “He’s still horrified.”
“I couldn’t do that,” Hayden says. “You only watch sports? You don’t play. Wow!”
“I like Apex. I love watching their videos and the tournaments,” I say.
“Apex? Like the video game?” The derision in his tone is easy to catch. “That’s not a sport. I can’t believe people actually get paid to play that shit.”
“Oh,” I say, stunned. I wasn’t expecting that type of negative talk. I mean, the way I see it, if it’s a game, it can be a sport. Chess is a sport after all—a sport of the mind. “I… It’s fun to watch.”
Usually I’d have said more. I would have chided him for thinking he can decide what others can do for sport. Such a 1990s mentality. But with him, right now, knowing that he’s nervous as it is and that this is supposedly a date, I can’t.
“So you were up at my house?” Hayden looks down at the table like it’s unthinkable.
“Yeah.” I shrug, taking the distraction.
“Oh,” he grunts. He nods and looks around the table like it’ll make sense down there. “So we were close to telling people at least, right?” His gray eyes find me again.
“Uh…”
What do I say? There’s only one truth, and none of the ways I can answer end without me admitting my shitty lie unless I lie again.
And oh shit. I guess he didn’t start the rumors at school then.
I bet it was Holly. I keep getting stopped in the hallways by people who’d never talk to me in the past asking me about it. It’s been excruciating.
“Sort of.” I try to ease us into the idea as I weave another fantasy on the fly. “We’d talked about it a little last month. You know, if you were ready.”
“Was I?” Hayden shuffles in his seat. Unease is written all over his face and body language.
“Uh, well, you…yeah,” I stumble.
“Oh,” he says and takes a breath.
He’s definitely not ready, and I’ve made him do it anyway, and it’s not even the truth. He’s just determined he can’t remember. I’m honestly surprised he wasn’t more headstrong and antagonistic of the very idea that he would be dating me.
“Well, we’re public now.” He nods and swallows.
I want to crawl under the table and cry because this is all my fault. I can see the fear in his eyes. Fear that I caused. Fear that shouldn’t be there, that has no reason to be there, except because of my selfishness.
I can’t do this anymore!
“Hayden,” I blurt.
“Yeah.” His head raises.
“I’m not what you think I am.” I string the words together in one big note. I go to open my mouth again, to scream to him and the whole world that I’m a fraud, that I let one little moment get way out of hand, but the syllables catch at the back of my throat. “I…I…”
“You okay, Kenzie?” Hayden leans across the table.
Okay, maybe he is a little full of himself, but he’s still a lot of what I thought he was.
The kindness and worry in his eyes right now.
The way he genuinely seems concerned about me.
Hell, the way he’s trying to “date” me despite it all being made up.
Freyja, am I the worst person in the world?
I can’t be the Loki of my own story, my own life.
“I just…” I stumble again. “I…”
“What do you mean you’re not who I think you are?” Hayden’s practically pleading with me now.
The lights that were dim and calming moments ago feel like spotlights now. Their beams focus on me, illuminating every part of my mind, screaming out all of my secrets and revealing to everyone the disgusting person I am. I clamp my fist under the table atop my lap, pushing my skirt forward.
“I… We’re not…” Dammit, Kenzie, just say it and get it over with! “We—”
“Hey, y’all, I’m Meredith. I’ll be your server to—” She stops.
Surprise is painted across her face while I try to hold back the frustration wanting to burst from behind my eyes.
Meredith swipes at a layer of short bobbed blonde hair and apologizes furiously.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I…I can come back, if that’s okay.”
“It’s okay, Meredith. We do need another moment though.” Hayden nods at her.
Does he know her too?
“Be back in a few minutes, then.” Meredith dips backward and disappears.
“Now, what were you saying?” Hayden locks on me again.
“I was, uh… I was saying that we’re…” Breathe, Kenzie.
Remember to breathe. Give me strength. I grasp my necklace and think it again.
Give me strength. “I was saying that we actually weren’t ready yet.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for your family to find out!
It just sort of happened. I was selfish and didn’t deny it. I’m sorry, Hayden.”
Fudge nuggets, Kenzie! What are you doing? You were supposed to tell him the truth, not ninety-nine percent the truth minus the one percent that actually matters!
“Oh.” He dips his head and swallows again. “It’s okay. I guess that’s why it all still feels so weird and off to me. I just don’t remember any of this.”
Me too, I think. Me too.