Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
GRAYSON
Reaching for her, I slide my arms beneath her body and pick her up.
Hearing her tell me that she thought I was looking at her with some kind of shame or disgust when, in actuality, it was the exact opposite.
The ring is so that she knows how much I actually do care for her.
I know that marriage is probably not going to happen between us, not with her being married to Landon still.
She doesn’t need to deal with the questions that would come along with anything else that has to do with him.
I carry her to the bedroom, walk her over to the bed, and slowly set her down on her feet.
Placing her so that she’s flat and stable.
Tilting her head back slightly, she looks up into my eyes.
She’s beautiful and haunted all at the same time.
I wish I could take all of that away from her, that I could make her past disappear.
But I know as much as she does that the past is what makes us appreciative of the present and the future.
“Grayson,” she breathes.
The way she says it goes straight to my dick.
I promised myself that this would never happen again, that I would never fuck her again, and yet that’s the only thing I want to do.
I want to slide inside of her, wrap my fingers around her throat while I fuck her until we both come.
Doing that won’t protect her in any way.
I would venture to guess it would only do harm at this point, which is why I know that I need to stay away from her, at least sexually.
I’m at a tough fork in the road.
I want her, and I could go as far as to say that I need her, but the way I would need to have her is dangerous to her mental health.
And I know that all I want to do is protect her at all costs.
Instead of ripping her clothes off and taking her as roughly as I want to, I sink down to my knees.
Wrapping my fingers around her hips, I guide her down to the bed, and thankfully, she sits.
I can only hope that this is enough to ease her internal anguish about me, about the way she thinks I feel.
That she realizes how fucking perfect she is, but also that all I want to do is protect her and ensure her happiness.
“I haven’t had dessert in weeks, baby.”
Her eyes widen at the same time I reach for her shorts and begin to slide them down her thighs and legs.
She lifts her hips to help me and I toss her shorts and panties to the side of the room.
Gently, I glide my fingers up the insides of her legs, feeling her silky-smooth flesh beneath my fingertips before I apply pressure and watch in awe as her thighs spread in front of me.
For me.
I sink my teeth into my bottom lip, unable to look anywhere but her glistening pink pussy.
My mouth waters at the thought of tasting her.
I need her to come on my tongue.
I want her taste to fill my mouth.
Maybe this is what I can do—what I can be for her.
Maybe I can’t have my cake and eat it, too, but perhaps I can have dessert every single night until the day I die.
Shifting forward, I hold her legs open as I flatten my tongue and taste all of her.
Swirling my tongue around her clit, I feel her thighs tremble.
I grip her inner thighs to keep her legs spread as I devour her.
Nadine whimpers, her back arches, and she pushes her pussy closer to me.
Moving my tongue faster, I focus on her clit, flicking it, then swirling, then flicking again.
Over and over until she writhes on the bed.
It’s a beautiful fucking sight, and in this moment, I truly believe that this can be enough for me—for us.
I’m lying to myself.
I want so badly to believe the fucking lie, too.
I crave to believe it.
Because I can’t have her, not the way I need her.
And I also can’t lose her.
Imagining her with another man fills me with rage—just the idea of it.
“Oh god,” she whimpers.
Sucking her clit between my lips, I flick the sensitive bud once, twice, three times, and then I hear her cry out at the same time her orgasm floods my taste buds.
Delicious .
I could eat her every fucking night until the day I die.
And I decide here and now, that is exactly what I’m going to do.
Her fingers grasp my hair, gripping the strands before she gently tugs my face away from her delicious cunt.
Smiling, I look up at her as her lips slowly curve up into a small smile.
“Please, Grayson.”
“Please?” I ask, knowing damn well what she’s asking for.
But she doesn’t want it.
She can’t.
I refuse to believe that she somehow isn’t completely and totally fucking traumatized by what Landon did to her.
I shouldn’t have ever fucked her to begin with, really.
Once I discovered she had been abused much like I was, I should have offered her my protection and nothing else.
“Sleep, baby,” I murmur, climbing up her body and touching my lips to hers.
NADINE
Forget sleep.
I want Grayson.
He starts to move off my body, his lips leaving mine, but I refuse to let him go.
Instinctually, I reach up, curling my fingers around his biceps and holding on to him.
The moment I do, his entire body freezes.
Sucking in a breath, I stare up at him as his eyes widen.
He’s still watching me, his eyes searching mine.
I don’t know what he’s going to say or do.
In fact, I’m not sure if he’s going to stand up and walk away.
Holding my breath, I can’t do anything but stare at him for a long moment.
Then I speak, and when I do, my words come out on a trembling breath, but I mean them, every single one of them.
“Don’t leave me. I need you.”
“I’m not going anywhere. That ring is for us. To show you that I am committed to you.”
“But you’re not committed enough to have sex with me.”
That sentence needed to be said, even if I wish I could shove every single word back into my mouth and swallow it down.
But I can’t do that because my words have already been said and heard.
“I’m not going to have sex with you, Nadine. I’m going to eat your cunt every night, sleep beside you, and protect you until the day I die. Physically and financially.”
His words are a dream come true to some women, I’m sure.
And maybe I’m being ungrateful, but I want more.
I want so much more.
I want everything .
And I’m sure that I sound ungrateful, maybe even selfish, but I deserve it, too.
When he stands then takes a step backward, I close my legs, feeling overly vulnerable in the moment.
Then he runs his fingers through his hair, almost as if he is trying to think of what to say next.
He doesn’t have to think of anything.
“I don’t want that,” I state.
“I want sex, love, and maybe even children one day if I can have them. I want it all.”
“Even if I were going to have sex with you again, I won’t be giving you that. No kids. No love.”
Blinking, I push myself up so I’m sitting with my legs hanging off the side of the bed.
“Grayson,” I whisper.
He shakes his head once.
“You aren’t getting it,” he begins.
“The life I lived. The fucked-up shit I’ve been through. Sure, Theron and Merrick have been able to find a life that includes love and children, but that is not me. I can’t bring a child anywhere near me. I’m not fucking right.”
“Don’t you want to give a child more than you had? More love, more protection?” I ask.
“You would love and appreciate an innocent child more than anyone else probably would.”
He snorts, then takes another step backward.
I’m losing him.
I’m losing him completely, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get him back.
He’s going to walk out of this apartment, and I’m not going to see him again.
I need to make sure that he knows just how good and special he is.
That any child, any woman, would be lucky to call him a partner.
That any baby would be lucky to have him as a father.
He can love, too.
I’ve felt nothing but the beginnings of love with him.
I thought we could be forever.
What he’s offering me, though, it’s not enough.
If he truly wanted me for me, all of me, then he would not hesitate to give me everything he has and more.
Or maybe this is all he has, and that’s okay, too.
It just means that we are not meant to be together.
That there is someone else out there who can love him better.
“I can’t do it.”
“Then we can’t go any further. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
Saying those words stings.
It makes my entire body ache, but they needed to be said.
I’m not sure what I expect Grayson to do, but it isn’t to nod once, then turn around, and walk out of the room, then the apartment.
I hear the door close and lock, the sound echoing as if the whole building is completely empty.
It bounces off every room in the small apartment and grinds my already decimated heart to fine dust.
Tears don’t fall down my cheeks, mainly because I have none left inside my body to do so.
Instead, I change into my pajamas, slide into bed, and flick the lights off.
I move by habit and routine only.
I lie down on my pillow, the organic bamboo sateen sheets cool against my skin.
I whimper, but I don’t cry.
Tears evade me, but I feel no less devastated by what’s happened.
Maybe I should have just accepted his offer and then tried to slowly ease into something more physical than his mouth between my legs.
Although I can’t deny that I rather enjoy it when he has his nightly dessert, I missed it so much that it didn’t take me long to climax at all.
But there is more to a relationship than oral, and as much as I need more, he deserves more, too.
Grayson is amazing in so many ways.
He deserves everything good in the second half of his life, and he won’t get that with me.
Not if he’s constantly worried about my mental or physical state.
He needs someone healthy, not someone who has been through the same wringer he has.
So I’m going to release him.
As much as I want to keep him.
I want Grayson to find his everything.
His happily ever after.
He’s all those things to me, but that doesn’t mean I’m them to him.
And that doesn’t mean that I can sit around and watch him fall in love with someone else.
It’s time for me to go.
I make an instant decision to pack a bag and leave.
There’s nothing for me in Nights any longer other than Brody.
He will always be there to support me, no matter where I live or what I do.
It’s time for me to go somewhere far away.
Maybe somewhere with a beach.