Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
NADINE
The sound of the waves crashing against the shoreline wakes me up.
It’s peaceful, serene, and yet…
sad.
So damn sad.
I’m alone, which is what I wanted, but I’m not just alone; I’m empty.
Pushing up on the bed, I sit up and rest my back against the headboard.
Closing my eyes again, I inhale deeply through my nose and let it out of my mouth.
The calming breaths should work to make me feel…
less.
But they don’t.
I’m sad.
Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I walk over to the suitcase that I trudged in here last night and find my short robe.
I’m not even sure why I packed it.
It’s gorgeous, a waffled fabric that is thin and soft.
It is coral-colored and luxurious, but I think I’ve worn it maybe three times in the three years I’ve had it.
After using the bathroom and washing my hands, I walk over to the coffee maker in the room and prepare a cup.
I read an article once about how unsanitary these things are, but today, I don’t care.
When it’s finished brewing, I dump in six sugar packets and two creams.
Nothing about this cup is healthy, but I don’t care—at least not today.
Tomorrow, I might.
The motel I found is literally on the beach, and it’s a little worse for wear, but it’s not the peak beach season, so the price wasn’t too outrageous.
I open my sliding glass door, coffee in hand.
I walk out onto the small patio, then continue until my feet touch the sand.
It’s smooth and rough all at the same time.
Looking around, I realize that I’m alone, and I’m glad.
I want to be alone right now.
Maybe forever.
Sinking onto the sand, I watch as the waves ebb and flow.
They move in and out, and there is a mesmerizing beauty there that I can’t look away from.
It’s magical.
I only wish that being here made me feel better, happy, content—anything.
But it doesn’t.
The sadness that consumes me is all I can think about.
It’s all I can focus on.
Starting anew doesn’t feel as exciting as I thought it would.
It doesn’t make me feel anxious or nervous like when I finally got away from Landon.
Instead, I’m just filled with melancholy sadness.
After I finish my coffee, I sit for a while longer.
Until the sun rises completely and people start to make their way to the beach for the day, setting up their canopies and chairs.
Standing, I carry my mug back to the room, slipping inside and locking the sliding door behind me.
I take a hot shower and go through the motions of getting ready for the day as if I’m going to be doing something or going somewhere, which I don’t plan on doing.
I’m not hungry, and I don’t know anybody.
I’m also not in the mood for window shopping in the slightest.
I get dressed in a pair of clean pajamas and walk over to the bed, slip between the sheets, and lie down on the pillow.
Closing my eyes, I fall asleep.
I’m not sure how long I sleep, but when I wake up, my stomach growls and the sun is no longer shining.
Instead of getting up and finding something to eat or ordering something to be delivered, I close my eyes again and will myself to sleep some more, telling myself that sleep is healing and that I’m not depressed.
But I know the truth.
I’m not healing when I sleep—I’m avoiding.
I'm avoiding reality, my present, and my future—everything. I’m pretty sure that I made a terribly rash decision, and I feel absolutely sick about it. I also don’t feel as if I can just jump into my car and go back to Nights.
I left my job and walked away without saying much of anything. I walked away from the men who saved my life, who protected me, and who cared for me. I basically spat in their faces because my feelings were hurt that Grayson didn’t want to keep me forever. How immature and selfish of me.
And I also walked away from the only two women who have ever been my friends. Just… vanished. I’m under no illusion that they couldn’t find me if they wanted to, eventually. But why would they after I treated them the way I did? I wouldn’t want anything to do with me if I were them.
Falling asleep again is the only way I can cope with my actions now that some time has passed. I am so damn stupid. So beyond stupid. And mean. What I’ve done, while unintentional, is without a doubt cruel to those people who care about me so much.
Self-preservation or not, it doesn’t give me the right to treat my friends that way. People who literally put their lives and livelihoods on the line.
God. I’m such a bitch.
Tears slide down the side of my face, landing on the pillow, and no matter how tightly I pinch my eyes closed, the tears keep rolling. My heart keeps breaking. My world keeps dimming.
GRAYSON
Sitting outside the cheap motel, I can’t help but wonder what the fuck she’s doing here. I admit that although I’ve fallen for her, I don’t know Nadine that well. I don’t know her habits, her idiosyncrasies, her passions. I do know her heart, her soul, and her body. But I didn’t imagine she would run to the beach, to a shitty motel at the beach.
I promised Theron that I would take care of this, and I will. I’ve been watching her room for a few hours, and nobody has come in or out of the front. It’s time for me to make myself known, though. Unfolding from the front seat of my car, I make my way around the back of the motel.
The rooms each have a sliding glass door that opens to a small patio that is directly in front of the beach. Walking distance to the sand and surf. So maybe the shitty motel isn’t quite as bad as I thought initially, but then I take the building in again and realize that it really is crappy.
The maintenance and upkeep have not been handled in probably a decade, maybe two. Continuing toward the door that I know is Nadine’s, I reach for the handle and gently tug on it. She’s left it unlocked, which is really fucking stupid. And I know that she is smarter than that.
Frowning, I slip into the room, my eyes scanning the space until they land on her. She’s curled beneath the bedding in the fetal position. She appears so small and even helpless like this.
I close and lock the door behind me, then move quietly into the dark room, walking over to the side of the bed and looking down at her sleeping form. She’s beautiful, though I can see the sadness in her face even in sleep, and I know I’m the cause of it.
I sink onto the side of the bed, at her hip, and search her sleeping face. Reaching out, I tuck her hair behind her ear and soak her in for one more long moment before I grip her shoulder gently and shake her softly.
“Nadine, baby,” I murmur. “It’s time to wake up.”
She moans as I repeat the motion. I know when she wakes up because her entire body stiffens before she cracks one eye open. Smiling down at her, I wait for her to fully realize what’s happening, and I know when she does because she opens her mouth, her lips parting as her eyes widen.
I know she’s about to scream, and the last thing I want is for her neighbor to call the police, so I shift my hand to her mouth.
“It’s me,” I murmur. “It’s Grayson. Everything’s okay.”
It takes a moment for her breathing to calm down, and only when I know that she is aware and realizes who I am do I release my hand from her mouth. When I do, I wait for her to speak because I have no doubt that she’s pissed off at the fact that I broke into her motel room.
Nadine pushes up so that she’s sitting up straight in the bed, her eyes narrowing on me. Well, at least I was able to guess her reaction to me because she appears indeed pissed off.
“What the fuck?” she hisses.
I’m a bit taken aback by her language. Not that I’ve never heard her curse before, but she doesn’t do it often, so it surprises me. Smiling, I let out a chuckle. “We need to have a chat,” I state.
Nadine crosses her arms just beneath her chest, pushing her tits up, and I can’t stop myself from looking. Fuck, they look good, too. Sliding my hands down my thighs, I clear my throat and shift around slightly.
“Okay,” I announce. “You’re going back to Nights.”
She opens her mouth, but I shake my head, my gaze connected to hers. She’s beautiful. Absolutely perfect in every way, and I want nothing more than to taste her right here and now. Every fucking square inch of her, but I can’t do that. If I do, then I’ll keep her. And I know that’s not something that can happen.
So I don’t reach for her, I don’t touch her, I don’t kiss her. I stay where I am, watching her. She shakes her head, closing her lips before she clears her throat.
“I can’t go back to Nights,” she states.
She says it so matter-of-factly, and I almost laugh because she’s full of shit. Of course she can go back to Nights. It’s her home. It’s always been her home. Even after Landon took her away, it was where she went back to. Home. It’s where her family lives, her brother, and everyone at Securus.
“You can and you will.”
“The way I ran, it’s embarrassing.”
My lips twitch into a smirk. “Nobody thinks that you did a damn thing wrong, Nadine.”
“How?”
My fingers twitch to touch her, so instead of reaching out to her, I run my fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends to keep from touching her. To keep from removing her clothes and taking her one last time.
“Nobody blames you, Nadine. This is all on me. Just me. Nobody blames anyone but me.”
Her mouth opens, no doubt to ask some more questions. I don’t let her, mainly because it doesn’t matter. She’s leaving here, and she needs to know that I won’t be around to bother her. To make her feel any kind of way or to hold her back at all. I want her to have her freedom and to find the life that she deserves with the people around her who love her wholly.
“I’m going to be moving away from Nights. You need to go home, Nadine.”
“Grayson,” she breathes. “It’s your home, too.”
Shaking my head once, I clear my throat. “No, baby. It’s not. You need to be with your people, and I’m the reason you’re not. Go home.”
“But where will you go?” she asks in a whisper.
“Doesn’t matter. Just go home. You’re missed.”
If I stay any longer, I’m not going to leave. So I stand and take a step backward when she calls out my name. I stop, and my gaze connects to hers. She watches me for a long moment in silence. That silence is so thick in the air that I feel like my throat is tightening.
“Please don’t leave.”
“You need to be free, baby, and I won’t be able to grant that to you if I stay there. And Nights is where you need to be. I’m going to be fine, but you need your family.”
And without another word, I turn around and walk away. I walk away from her, away from what I want with her because even if I can’t have it, even if I can’t be that for her, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.
I want everything with Nadine.
I want her; I want her heart, her soul, her body, and I want to give her children. But I’m not going to ruin her because I’m a selfish asshole.
And that is why I walk away, even though my entire body begs me to stay.