Chapter Thirty
Carly
My friends and I are at lunch on Monday, gobbling down a new dish the gourmet chef added to the menu, with a name I can’t pronounce.
Well, they’re gobbling it down. I’m pushing it around with my fork, keeping my eyes trained on my plate because I know they’ll venture off on their own to places they shouldn’t go to. Like Ryder’s table.
He and I haven’t exchanged a single word since we shared that out-of-this-world kiss yesterday.
Okay, maybe that’s on me because I did all I could to avoid him, even left my dorm very early and scarfed down my breakfast before any of the other students stepped foot in the dining hall.
I just don’t know what will happen if I see him face to face.
Just reliving the kiss causes a wave of confusing emotions to crash over me.
It’s like my heart yearns for me to be close to him, but my brain has veto power.
Because it knows that growing close to Ryder would only hurt me in the end.
That doesn’t mean you can’t be friends , a voice in my head reminds me.
I doubt that’s true. How can I just be friends with Ryder when all I’ll think about is the amazing kiss? And what’s to stop me from grabbing him and swallowing his lips with mine? My life was easier when we were practically strangers. Maybe that’s the best thing for us to be.
“Carly, you okay?” Raven asks. “You’ve hardly touched your food.”
“Hmm? Oh.” I stab my fork into a piece of chicken and take a small bite. My stomach instantly revolts. I don’t have an appetite.
“What is it, anyway?” Sophie asks as she brings another bite to her lips. “It’s delicious, but I have no idea what I’m putting in my body.”
Addie shrugs. “Something with chicken?”
They all laugh, but I continue pushing my food around my plate.
“Carly, why are you so quiet?” Raven asks.
I force a smile. “I’m okay.”
“Raven’s right,” Addie says. “You’ve been quiet all day. And you’re not eating, which is a major crime.”
“And you went straight to bed after your practice session with Ryder,” Sophie says. “We waited to watch the movie with you.”
My chest tightens at the mention of Ryder, the kiss once again invading my mind. A heavy sigh escapes my lips, causing all three of them to look at me.
“I’m worried, Carly,” Raven says. “You’re never this quiet. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but we’re always here for you. And you shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed about anything. We love you to death.”
“Totally,” Sophie says.
“Agreed,” Addie adds.
I drop my fork and sit back in my seat. “Sorry. I know I’ve been off ever since…”
They lean forward, eyes bright with curiosity and concern.
I squeeze my eyes shut for a second. “Ever since my practice with Ryder.”
Raven stiffens as her expression turns cautious. “Did something happen?”
I sigh again and nod.
“Something bad?” Sophie asks.
“No, no,” I assure her. “It’s just…” I puff out my cheeks. “As you know, Ryder was struggling with the lift the past few days. So he finally got it yesterday and I was so happy that I…I kissed him.”
Addie nearly flies off her chair. “You what ?”
“You kissed him?” Sophie is practically bouncing in her seat. “Oh my gosh.”
“Was the kiss bad or something?” Raven asks.
“No. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.”
“Yay!” Not caring that some kids are watching us, Addie does a small victory dance. Then she quickly slams herself back in her chair. “I knew you guys liked each other.”
“Why do you look like you saw death?” Sophie asks.
I sigh once more as I continue to push my food around my plate. “He’s not the guy for me.”
“Why?” Addie asks.
“Because he’s a player? Because he loves getting attention from girls and has kissed so many of them? Because our kiss wasn’t special to him? I’ll never be special to him.”
“You don’t know that,” Sophie insists. “You even said yourself that he’s not the guy you thought he was. How do you know he’s not the perfect guy for you?”
“He’s not looking for a long-term relationship, guys. He’s not the commitment type. He likes having fun with girls and not taking life too seriously. Before people get involved in a relationship, isn’t it smart to make sure they’re both on the same page?”
“Well yeah, but—” Addie starts to say.
“So Ryder and I are not on the same page at all. Heck, we’re not even in the same book.”
“This is a he changes for her trope!” Sophie squeals.
I raise my brow. “What?”
“A he changes for her trope is when a guy changes his ways because of the influence of the woman he likes. Sometimes he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. But just being around her makes him turn into a different person. A better version of himself. So maybe Ryder has changed because of you!”
“Sophie, this is real life. And in real life, most guys don’t change their ways. If I continue on this path, I’ll just end up with a broken heart.”
She opens her mouth to respond, but I say, “You know that’s true. I bet he’s surrounded by girls right now.”
“Well, if you would look at his table, you would see that’s not true,” Addie informs me.
“Huh?”
She nods toward their table. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t look, my curiosity gets the better of me and I glance at his table.
Addie’s right. Ryder sits on the side instead of the center of the table, playing around with his food and looking like he’s lost in his own world.
Some of the girls and guys try to engage him in conversation, and he answers them, but it’s obvious he’s not into it.
“He seems confused,” Raven observes.
“Because he’s changed due to Carly and doesn’t understand it!” Sophie insists.
“You don’t know that,” I tell her.
“Well, you don’t know, either.”
I shift my gaze to Raven. “What do you think?”
She ponders it for a second before saying, “I’d like to be hopeful like Addie and Sophie, but I can’t imagine Ryder settling down and being serious with a girl.
The last thing I’d want is for you to get hurt, Carly.
So unless I actually see that Ryder has changed, I don’t think I’ll believe that he could be the perfect boyfriend for you.
Sorry, I just care about you too much to risk your heart like that. ”
I give her a thankful smile. “Thanks for understanding.”
Sophie frowns. “Maybe you’re right. I love my books, but they’re not a real depiction of life, no matter how much I wish they were.
In real life, people can get really hurt.
I want you to be happy, Carly. Maybe that’s why I loved seeing you getting along with Ryder.
I thought he could make you happy, but maybe I’m wrong. ”
Addie looks between all three of us. “Are we really giving up on Ryder and Carly because we think he’ll hurt her? What if we’re wrong? What if he’ll be the best boyfriend in the world?”
We’re quiet as we mull over it.
“You don’t have to shut him out of your life,” Raven says. “Why can’t you be friends?”
“Because it’ll either hurt me to see him with other girls or I’ll stare at his lips all day and imagine kissing them again.”
“I like option two better,” Addie says.
“But unfortunately, I think option one is more likely,” Raven admits. “Carly, at the end of the day, the decision is up to you. You don’t have to give up on him, like Addie suggested. You can try to talk to him and see if he’s changed. Take one step at a time. You have enough time.”
When I look at his table again, I find his eyes pasted on me. He makes a move like he wants to wave, but he turns his head away and says something to Felix. After Felix nods, they leave the dining hall.
“Is he mad at you?” Sophie asks.
“Maybe he’s just giving her space,” Raven suggests. “He obviously senses that Carly’s been avoiding him.”
I bury my face in my hands. “I don’t know what to do, guys.
I liked my life better before Ryder came to Harrington Bay.
I wanted a boyfriend, sure, but I wasn’t stressed about anything—other than school.
I was sleeping right and eating right. But I barely got enough sleep last night, I have no appetite, and I’m stressing about dance practice this afternoon. ”
They’re quiet.
I lower my hands and glance from one to the other.
“Maybe…you just got your answer,” Raven says.
Addie looks like she wants to argue, but Sophie says, “He’s been such a good friend, though. He’s had a positive impact on your life, especially with dance. Do you think you guys can remain friends?”
“Maybe one day. For now, I think the best thing for me is to keep my distance.”
Sophie and Raven nod, but Addie seems upset.
“I know you want me to have what you and Caleb have,” I tell her, “but you can’t force things that aren’t meant to be. This is the right choice for me.”
“I don’t agree, but only you know what’s best for you.” She gets up and wraps her arms around me. “I support you no matter what. I won’t bring him up anymore.”
“Thanks.”
Raven and Sophie join the hug. As they pull away, a part of me feels relieved.
Having this heart-to-heart has given me some clarity, but the other part of me really misses Ryder.
Sophie’s right—he did have a positive impact on my life.
I learned to forgive him and to let go of the past. Without him, I wouldn’t have the dance team.
He’s also solidified my determination to be a professional choreographer or dance teacher one day.
That’s why I’m holding on to the hope that we can get through this and be friends again. But for now? I need to focus on myself.