Chapter 20 #2
There was a part of me that knew blaming Levette was just the easier way of coping.
If I allowed myself a true moment to evaluate what had happened to me, perhaps forgiveness towards him would have come easier.
But anger felt like the only true emotion I could connect with, and Levette was all I had; he would have to handle both my hatred, my resentment, and my messed-up devotion.
If he could not, then there was no hope for our future, and no point to mine.
“Come, let’s get you in the bath. You must clean off the old blood,” Levette said tenderly. He went off to fill the tub for me and I stayed where I was, letting my eyes explore his apartment with my newfound sight.
I had stayed with him at this apartment for weeks, visited him often, yet it felt entirely new. For the first time, I could see all the details that made this the home of the magnificent Levette Fortier.
The walls stretched up and met the tall ceilings, decorated with ornate corner pieces that looked like they had been hand-carved by a Grecian sculpture.
The large windows were open now, letting in the moonlight which reflected on the surfaces and made the room look aglow.
Even the walls themselves looked different; the rich hues of the wallpaper made it feel inviting and warm, the light of the candlelit sconces casting flickering shadows which made it appear alive.
Levette’s wealth was sprinkled throughout the apartment, touches so delicate that it felt like whispers.
It was seductively beautiful, an elegant place that I found calling me home.
Levy called for me, and I made my way into the large restroom.
Scents of lavender and jasmine filled the room as I entered.
Levette was kneeling beside a large claw-foot tub as he ran his hands through the running water, helping the oils to mix and bubble.
He had taken off his outer layers, remaining in only his white shirt which he had rolled up to his elbows.
I watched him from the doorway, maddened by how perfect he looked.
“How do you feel?” he asked when he noticed me standing there.
“Like I am no longer myself,” I admitted, slowly undressing before him.
His eyes did not leave mine, though I knew he longed to look at me the same way I knew I would want to stare at him if the roles were reversed.
He was trying to be respectful, but everything angered me, even his timidness.
“Do not avert your gaze as though we have not lain together. It insults me.”
Levette chuckled, surprised by my candor. “I never wish to insult you, mon cher, but no more do I want you to feel pressured by me or my presence. Right now, I imagine everything must be confusing for you. Je veux aider. Let me look after you.”
I sighed and stepped into the tub, closing my eyes as I sat down and the water coated my skin.
The heat was a comforting blanket against my skin, easing the tension in my muscles.
For a moment, I could just sit there and pretend that nothing had changed, that I was still myself and there was no darkness clawing inside me.
I leaned back against the sculpted back of the porcelain, letting my anger and heartache soak out of me, carried away by the water.
All the bitterness burning me up from the inside slowly melted away, diffusing into something quieter.
A brief glimmer of hope washed over me, and I imagined that I could heal, let go of what was eating me inside, and become something new.
“Apologies will never be enough, but I am sorry that it is my fault you became this,” Levette whispered from beside me.
“I am honest and selfish enough to admit that the prospect of you being my immortal partner has changed me greatly, that the burden of my own loneliness is lessened by the knowledge that you will walk this road beside me. Nevertheless, your sorrow is something I never wanted to increase, and if I could take it back, I would. I would never willingly burden you with being like me.”
I opened my eyes and saw Levette leaning on the edge of the tub, his elbows folded on the porcelain as he rested his head on his forearms. He looked so sad, defeated, and even through my anger, it hurt to witness.
“I do not want to feel,” I confessed to him.
“Ever since I awoke, all I have done is drown in emotions I do not want. Adrenaline flies through my veins and spurs me on, fueling my hunger and my need to hunt—yet hurting a human is the last thing I want to do. My brain and this new thing inside me are at war. It feels as though my soul was replaced by whatever vampiric gift is given, and I am now a slave to it.”
Levette listened, his eyes never leaving mine. He nodded in understanding, waiting for me to go on.
“I remember every part of myself, yet it feels as though I am no longer the Warren you fell in love with. And when I look at you—” My voice broke, betraying the devastation I felt.
He had not chosen to do this to me, yet he was glad I had become like him, knowing what it would do to me.
Tears fell down my cheeks and I wiped them away, crying harder when I saw the black smeared across my skin.
“I hate that I have become this because I will always be cursed. We are not even alive. Death has claimed us; even our tears are blackened by its touch.”
“I did not fall in love with you because you were human, Warren. I fell in love with you because your heart is a precious thing and you allowed me to see it. Your light is so bright that even now, as a vampire, it cannot be dulled. Your beauty is not dependent on what you are, but how you choose to live. This quandary you are experiencing? It only proves that.”
He shifted closer to me, reaching out to touch my face. He was always so gentle when I needed it most, like he could always sense exactly what I required. Even through my anger, I could not help but love him, agent of darkness or not.
“I love you, Levette. Our hearts call to each other, and I find comfort in your arms that I have never experienced before. Yet, I hate you so fiercely right now that it physically pains me to look at you,” I cried, thumping my fist against my chest. “You came into my life and I could not resist you. Now, I am forever changed and ruination has pulled me under. How do I recover from that?”
I closed my eyes again, at a loss for words.
It hurt to look at him but not seeing him would only pain me more.
He had cursed us both to an eternity of hostility and resentment.
I would love him with all I had, and I would curse him for it.
With every kiss, I would be reminded that I had paid the price.
My fleeting moment of happiness had come with the ultimate cost: I had paid the price, but Levette would benefit from it.
“You recover slowly, just as I did. You can continue to hate me, as long as you promise to never stop loving me, too,” Levette said softly, his lips pressed against the shell of my ear.
He must have moved, because his arms slipped around my shoulders and he hugged me from behind as he leaned over the tub.
We both sighed at the contact, drawn together through it all.
“I will help you, mon bel amour, and you will realize that nothing can pull you under—not even damnation.”
“I am yours, Levy. Loving you forever is the easy part. Are you sure you can cope with the hate that will always come with it?”
I tilted my head and opened my eyes to see him smile, pressing a small kiss to the corner of my mouth. He placed his hand over my heart, tapping it twice. “I can cope with anything you throw at me as long as this beautiful heart always remains mine.”