Chapter 19
S ailor
"Girl, I cannot believe you're still married."
Skylar's laughter filled my apartment as she poured another round of non-alcoholic wine for herself and the good stuff for the rest of us. It had been six weeks since my impulsive wedding. Rival and I had settled into something resembling a functional relationship, and oddly enough, I had no complaints.
"Trust me, no one's more surprised than I am.” I accepted the glass she handed me and lifted my legs, tucking them under me before I sank deeper into the sofa.
It was Friday night, and for the first time in weeks, I was back in my own apartment. Skylar begged for a girls' night but I was game so she didn’t have to push much. Jenna was watching Skylynn, giving Sky a rare evening of freedom and she wasted no time organizing things with Indi and me.
"But for real though, how's it going? We need all the dirt." Indi followed my motion, bringing her legs up and tucking them beneath her on my sofa. "You’re married to and living with a man you barely know. A fine ass man, might I add, but still a stranger."
"It's not what I expected."
"Meaning?" Skylar demanded.
"Meaning it's actually kind of nice?" They both looked at me like I grew a second head. “Don't look at me like that."
"Nice how?" Indi grinned.
"He's just present in all the ways that matter." I struggled to articulate what had been developing between us. "He pays attention. Remembers things I mention once and acts on them later. Makes space for me in his life without expecting me to change who I am."
“So he’s a real husband. Imagine that.” Indi laughed, shaking her head.
"And the sex? Because that's half the reason this whole situation exists."
"Sky!" Indi laughed, though she looked just as curious.
“What? I want to know if she married that man to get the dick and the dick didn’t live up to the hype.”
“It lived up to the hype,” I cut in and both of them grinned big as hell.
“Okay then, continue to live up to the hype or that would be pretty messed up.” Sky shrugged.
"The sex is exceptional. You can relax. Definitely worth the name change." I lifted my glass and my pussy thumped in agreement considering the way Rival had fucked me right before I left the house because he was going to miss me.
"Damn, sis!" Skylar touched her glass against mine. "Got good dick and a good man."
"It's not just that it's good, though. It's different. More connected."
"That's what happens when you actually care about the person you're sleeping with," Indi said pointedly. "Sex hits different."
"I wouldn't know. This is new territory for me."
"And how are you handling that?" Indi asked. "You've always been more comfortable keeping people on the outside."
I sighed, sinking deeper into the sofa. "At first, terribly, in true Sailor fashion.”
“Imagine that,” Sky teased and I shot her a bird.
“I wasn’t that bad.”
“Then what’s true Sailor fashion?” Indi arched her brow.
“I kept waiting for the claustrophobia to set in. That feeling like I needed to run but it never really came…”
Sky slowly raised her brow and I groaned. “Okay, maybe it came, but when it did the moment passed quickly."
"Progress." Skylar nodded approvingly.
"Maybe. Or maybe I just know there's an expiration date, which makes it easier to relax into things because they’re temporary."
That was what I kept telling myself even if I knew the truth. I liked being married to Rival. I like the way I felt with him and around him which was the problem because if he decided this no longer worked, I would be devastated. So keeping my distance was the easiest way to protect myself.
"Girl, please." Skylar rolled her eyes. "You really think you're walking away when the year is up? The way you talk about him?"
"I don't know what I'm doing.” The wine loosened my resolve. "That's the honest truth. I just know that right now, it's working, and I'm trying not to overthink it."
"That's fear, Sail. You seem happier and more settled, even TJ agrees. This marriage is good for you," Indi said.
"TJ needs to mind his business," I mumbled.
"He worries about you. We all do, or rather did, until recently. Now we're just cautiously optimistic." Indi smiled smugly.
"Fair enough. I'd be suspicious too, if the roles were reversed. This isn't exactly on-brand for me."
"Maybe your brand needed an update," Skylar suggested, reaching for her wine bottle again. "The ‘love ’em and leave ’em’ approach was getting old anyway."
"Says the woman who swore off relationships entirely before Gray bulldozed his way into her life," I reminded her.
"Exactly and look at me now. Married with a beautiful daughter and baby two on the way, happi?—"
"If you say happier than I've ever been, I will throw this damn pillow at your pregnant ass.”
"I was going to say happier than your miserable ass used to be, but go off, sis." Skylar grinned.
Indi laughed, helping herself to more of the sushi we ordered. "But seriously, Sail, is this real or is it just a comfortable arrangement you're enjoying while it lasts?"
The question hit closer to home than I wanted to admit. "I don't know. Some days it feels very real and other days I remind myself how it started and wonder if we're just making the best of a bad situation."
"Has he said anything about the future? Like what happens when your year is up?"
I shook my head. "Not directly but he makes comments sometimes. Little things about next summer or plans for the house that would take more than a year to complete. Like he's assuming I'll still be there and he’s made it very clear that he wants me to be."
"And how does that make you feel?" Indi asked.
"Terrified," I admitted. "But also settled and like this is exactly what I needed."
Skylar and Indi exchanged a look that I couldn't quite interpret.
"What?" I demanded.
"Nothing," Skylar said smugly. "Just sounds like you might be falling for your husband."
Fell. I had already fallen…
"I didn't say that.”
"You didn't have to." Indi laughed. "It's all over your face when you talk about him and not in the ‘the dick is exceptional’ kind of way. More like the ‘I like being wifey’ type of way."
I buried my face in my hands. "This is so fucking embarrassing. I feel like a teenager with a crush."
"It's not embarrassing, Sail. It's human. You found someone who gets you, who challenges but also accepts you. That's rare. Even if it started unconventionally and crushing on your husband is good shit." Sky admitted with a grin, acknowledging how she was forever crushing on her husband.
"Unconventional isn’t a bad thing. Look at me and TJ. Nothing about our beginning was traditional. He couldn't even stand being touched when we met. Now we're married with a life I never imagined for myself. I love that man."
“And he loves you,” I confirmed. My brother worshipped his wife and I loved that she grounded him. TJ and Indi's path had been and still was, at times, complicated by his depression, yet they built something beautiful together. Sky and Gray had overcome his past scandals and her trust issues to create a solid marriage, but I wasn’t them...
"I'm scared," I admitted quietly. "What if I'm not cut out for this? What if I mess things up?"
"Everyone's scared when it really counts and everyone messes up sometimes. The question is whether what you're building is worth working through those mistakes and fighting for." Sky’s eyes locked with mine.
"Is it worth it to you, Sail?" Indi asked softly.
"Yeah.” I sighed, knowing it was definitely worth fighting for. "I think it might be."
"Then that's your answer. Now, can we please talk about something else before I start crying? These pregnancy hormones have me emotional over everything. I cried yesterday because Gray took out the trash. Like what the fuck?"
I laughed, grateful for the subject change. "Fine. Indi, tell me about this new position at the spa. Sky mentioned you got promoted?"
As Indi nodded and began filling me in on the details of her new role as lead therapist at Nirvana, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. Discussing my feelings, even if it was just Sky and Indi, had shifted something inside me. I wasn't ready to call it love but I couldn't deny that whatever was growing between Rival and me was becoming difficult to imagine living without. Speak of the damn devil. My phone vibrated with a text and I glanced down to see Rival's name.
Rival: The guys are deep into trash-talking each other's basketball skills. How's your night going?
I smiled, typing back.
Me: We’re analyzing my feelings. Send help.
Rival: Nah, you need that shit. That's what sisters are for. Miss your pretty ass though.
I smiled, hearing his voice in my head.
Me: Miss you too. Don't let Gray drink too much.
Rival: Too late. Your brother is challenging him to a three-point contest in our driveway.
I laughed, which had Skylar and Indi looking at me.
"What's so funny?" Sky asked.
"Gray and Teej are apparently having a basketball showdown in our driveway," I explained, showing her the text.
"Men." Skylar rolled her eyes. “One night together with alcohol and no supervision and they revert to overgrown children."
"Speaking of children," Indi shifted the subject smoothly, "How's the nursery coming? You mentioned Gray was painting last weekend?"
As their conversation flowed, I found myself more present and engaged than I had been in the past. These women weren't just my sister and sister-in-law—they were my friends, my support system, and they would be here for me with whatever happened with my Rival.
It felt like pieces of a puzzle I never envisioned for myself falling into place but that was okay because I also liked this new direction.