12. Jude
CHAPTER 12
Jude
“I can’t believe you’ve never been here before,” I gush as I tug on Evan’s hand, pulling us closer to the entranceway to London’s Winter Wonderland.
“Are you sure you don’t mind going again?” Evan asks. I pause and look at him, realising he seems worried.
“Oh!” I cry, understanding my error. “Of course not! I love Winter Wonderland, and I haven’t been this year. In fact, I don’t think I went last year, either, so I’m overdue.” I swing our connected hands between us. “If you’ve never been, then I’m extra excited to be the one to introduce you. Just because it’s not a brand-new experience doesn’t mean it can’t be amazing and memorable.”
He chews his lower lip, apparently thinking my words over. “Yeah, that makes sense,” he says slowly. “Just because you’ve already done something shouldn’t mean you can’t ever do it again. Especially if you’re sharing the moment with someone new.”
My heart swells as I catch his double meaning with those words. I bump shoulders with him before continuing to drag him under the illuminated archways that lead up to the ticket booths. Even though he seems so strong and capable in other ways, there’s something so delicate about Evan. It makes it feel like a privilege that he’s trusting me and my men to be the ones to help him transition into dating again.
“I thought this would be a good place for a middle-type date,” Evan says, clearly still mulling things over and wanting to clarify his decision.
“Absolutely,” I enthuse. I don’t want him second-guessing himself that he should have picked something different. I’m genuinely thrilled to be here. “This place is huge. There are games and rides and food and mulled wine, and everything is dazzling with pretty lights. Oh, plus ice skating! Although I don’t know if you have to book that in advance.”
I frown and go to pull my phone out of my pocket to check, but he squeezes my other hand and smiles bashfully at me. “I already booked us a slot in about an hour. I wanted to wait until we got here to check if that would be something you’d enjoy. Not everyone can skate.”
Okay, we’ve still got, like, all afternoon left of this date. He can’t make my heart explode right at the start. “That’s so thoughtful,” I say softly.
I’m used to simply hooking up with other guys that aren’t Sai. So I either go out clubbing with Tian and fool around in a bathroom stall or if I’m by myself I’ll pop home with them. If it’s something I’ve arranged via an app, I just got to his place for some fun. Sometimes I stay the night, but it doesn’t really matter either way as I haven’t ever stuck around and seen anyone more than once. More often than not I feel very satisfied, but it’s always related to sex.
Very rarely, the guy will cook us dinner. But seeing as I’m there to get down and dirty, I’m not usually interested in doing that with a full stomach. And that’s absolutely fine—it’s what I’m there for and what I want. But it means I’m not used to much romance from anyone other than Sai or Tian.
So for Evan to really take the time to plan something that he thought I’d enjoy is kind of breathtaking. And it’s not a grown-up date like dinner at a posh restaurant. He’s specifically thought about me as a middle! We’re here to have fun.
I know it’s not the same, as this is an arrangement we’ve made to give Evan a chance to practice being a Daddy again and build up his confidence. But it does feel like when Sai and I first met and he took care of me in a way that no one ever had before…or since, come to think of it.
We’re still walking forwards to the entrance, but I’m so entranced that I hold his gaze for several seconds until we’re in danger of bumping into someone. I laugh and look away, sneakily wiping my eyes and hoping he doesn’t notice.
“Uh, yes, I can skate,” I say, turning the conversation back in a safer, more practical direction. This is just a bit of a lark, after all. “Nothing fancy, but I do enjoy gliding around in a circle for an hour.”
“I haven’t done it in a long time,” Evan says with a slightly apprehensive chuckle.
I lift his gloved hand and kiss the back of it. “I’ll help you!” I promise.
“Thank you, Jude.” He licks his lips and frowns slightly before speaking again. “I haven’t done anything Christmassy for a long time, truth be told. Years, in fact.”
Something about his tone gives me pause. “This is going to be, like, Christmas times a thousand. Is that okay?”
It’s obvious he wanted to pick an activity I’d enjoy. But there has to be a reason he’s been avoiding Christmas. Just like he’s been avoiding dating. I don’t want to do anything if he’s not going to enjoy it as well.
He musters and smile and nods at me. “Yes. I’ve suspected exposure therapy would be a good idea for a while now, but I tried to do it alone, so it only made things worse. I think having an enthusiastic boy by my side might just do the trick.”
I search his eyes, but he doesn’t seem to be asking me to give him an out. “If it’s really okay,” I tell him, “I promise no one loves Christmas more than me. We’ll have a brilliant time!”
Evan beams at me. “I have a feeling you’re right.”
We’re distracted then as we get to the entrance booths. Evan already bought us tickets, so he shows his phone screen to the lady at the counter, and then we’re in.
Winter Wonderland is a huge festival that takes over Hyde Park from the end of November until the start of January. It’s got a lot of stalls like a German Christmas market, as well as a whole funfair and the aforementioned ice rink. There’s music playing and scents of delicious food wafting through the air. As it’s early-afternoon, we’ve still got an hour or two of daylight left. But then it’ll get dark, and all the crazy lights will be so bright you can probably see them from space.
If anything is going to bring out my more childish, carefree side, it’s somewhere like here. It’s so noisy and shiny with so many things to do, it’s easy to feel like a kid and not an adult with an important, high-responsibility job and bills to pay.
“Jude?”
“Yes, Daddy?”
We’re walking past the first few stalls and the smell of hot, sweet peanuts makes my mouth water. I grin as I look back at Evan, intending to ask if we can get some. I don’t expect him to pay for everything, or anything, in fact. But I do hope he’s going to indulge me until I feel a bit sick.
But his expression is pensive, so I stop and give him my attention. “Is it okay that I call you ‘Daddy’?” I ask. I really should have checked that before, and I curse myself for being insensitive. Bratting is fun, but not if it hurts anyone else’s feelings.
However, he smiles at me, and I feel relieved. “Actually, that’s kind of what I was going to ask you. I’d love it if you wanted to call me Daddy today. But is there a special name you’d like me to call you?”
I consider what he means for moment. “Oh, you mean how like when Tian is little, he’s Baby Tee?” He nods. “Um, not really. Well, when I’m being naughty and Daddy Sai wants to tell me off, he calls me Judas. But I don’t have a name for when I’m a middle. My age play isn’t like Tian’s. It’s not as if I get in a head space and regress. I’m always like this. I just rein it in at work or whatever when it’s not appropriate. But I’m generally kind of giddy and playful. Or I don’t hold back when I’m sad, either.”
“You wear your heart on your sleeve,” Evan murmurs. “I used to know someone like that. I think it’s lovely. Please feel free to be yourself with me, Jude. You don’t have to hide anything or tone it down.”
I blush, my heart beating loudly in my chest. He might be rusty, but he has an effortless commanding presence that makes me trust him.
“Thank you, Daddy,” I say coyly. “Can we get some nuts?” I ask, pointing at the nearby stall. If he wants me to be authentic, I’m not going to hold back on asking for treats.
He laughs and nods, and soon we have a cone of sweet, sticky goodness to share between us.
“Judas seems a bit harsh for a nickname,” he says, wrinkling his nose as he picks up our previous conversation.
I laugh and bob my head, not disagreeing with him. “Out of context, yeah. But it’s really just a funny extension of my name that Sai uses to let me know that he’s going to fuck me hard and rough in the not-too-distant future.”
I smirk at Evan who’s watching me with interest. “Is that how you like it, then?”
Oof. That makes blood rush to my cock and my skin tingle, for sure. I clear my throat, reminding myself, yet again, that this is just the start of the date.
“Uh, yeah. Sometimes. I like it all kinds of ways, really. It depends on who I’m with. Tian would never ever be mean to me, and I wouldn’t want him to be. If it’s just the two of us, I lavish him with praise and he’s so good for me. With Sai, we like doing the CNC stuff, but his aftercare is the kindest.”
“CNC?” Evan asks.
“Consensual non-consent,” I explain without missing a beat. No one should ever be shamed for not knowing a kink. “It’s when we pretend that I don’t have a choice in the matter and he’s just going to pin me down and have his way with me. Some people pretend to fight back in CNC, or you can make it primal play and chase them around. But I like to grovel and apologise and be used like a dirty slut to make up for being a bad boy.”
I grin at him. Evan looks a little flushed and wide-eyed as he nods at me. I don’t know if he would find that hot to do himself, but he’s definitely not horrified by my confession.
“Right, yes, I see,” he says, nodding and looking away as we continue to wander around the fair. “I can…yes. That makes sense. And you like that with, um, the other men you see?”
I shrug. “Like I said, I go for different things from different people. Often, seeing someone else is a chance for me to top and Dom in more aggressive ways than Tian might like. But honestly, since the three of us became official, I don’t go looking for hook-ups much. Certainly not using apps to find a guy for a specific scene. It’s more if I meet someone when I’m out, and I feel a connection, I’ll act on it.”
Evan is still nodding. “That makes sense. I can see in that way why you’d want to keep a relationship open—if you’ve got different dynamics you like experiencing. And Sai’s the same?”
That’s a good question. When we first met, I’d have said that he just has a lot of love to give and he wanted to look after as many boys as possible, even if that was only for a night. I pop a few more nuts in my mouth and chew for a second.
“He really doesn’t seem to feel the need to hook up much these days. Tian and I would be fully supportive if he wanted to, but I think between us we entertain him quite a bit.”
I wink at Evan, and he laughs as he rubs the back of his neck. “Honestly? The idea of just dating one guy again seems daunting to me. So I can see why Sai would want to stick with two. But the way you describe getting your different needs met from different people also makes sense.”
It’s good that he’s wrapping his head around the way our particular flavour of polyamory works. However, I realise I also might have put my foot in it slightly.
“Sai might not be going out looking for hook-ups much these days,” I explain. “But Tian and I have decided that you still need to go on a date with him, too. For science.”
He blinks at me, then chuckles. “Have you, now?”
I nod seriously. “Only if you want to, of course. But he told us he’d be interested if you were. That way, you can go have some sophisticated Daddy date together and get a full spectrum of experience from the three of us.”
He drops his head back and laughs before beaming at me. “Oh, you’re quite right. That sounds very scientific and logical.”
He runs his lower lip through his teeth, looking at me like he’d like to forget the nuts and just eat me instead. If we weren’t in the middle of Hyde Park, I would have been a-okay with that plan. In fact, if we could go somewhere warm, I actually might have considered it. But if either of us got our bits out right now, I’d worry something might drop off.
And…this isn’t like my usual hook-up, as I’ve already realised. The fact that the attraction is there is exciting, but it’s not actually my main goal for a change. My job is to help Evan relax into a fun date with a boy who’s more of a bratty middle for his Daddy. I’m here to get to know him and let him feel a little vulnerable with me as a safe space.
“You guys didn’t need to be this kind to me,” Evan murmurs. Apparently, he’s having a similar train of thought to me, as it’s not just heat behind his eyes now. It’s something deeper as well. “I behaved so badly, and not just towards Tian. Although that was bad enough.”
I frown. “I thought your friend sent you up for that Secret Santa thing without you knowing?”
“He did,” Evan agrees. “But I was so afraid of letting anyone close to me that I immediately let Tian down and hurt his feelings without considering an alternative. If he hadn’t sent that follow up message, I’d still be…” He sighs heavily, and I feel the weight of the world on his shoulders in that moment. “Well, needless to say, I’d be having a very different kind of Christmas this year.”
“What would it be like?” I prompt gently.
He looks away and I think he might not answer. But he does speak again, keeping his gaze averted. “Lonely. Quiet.” He sighs again. “Oh, Jude, I’ve treated a lot of men poorly over these last few years. I was terrified of getting hurt again, so I told them it was nothing more than sex and I meant it. I don’t have much family, but I’ve still pushed my niece away. I’ve shut myself off from the world and ignored anyone else’s feelings. I’m not sure I deserve to have a merry Christmas.”
I pull him closer, so we’re walking with our arms pressed together. “Yes, you do. Christmas is for everyone.”
I give him some time to respond, but he seems lost in thought, like a storm cloud is gathering over his head. If he doesn’t want to talk about his pain anymore, that’s okay. I’ll distract him instead.
“Christmas really is for everyone, you know,” I announce, my tone purposefully cheery. “For instance, did you know that I’m Jewish and Sai is Hindu?”
By the surprised look on his face as he turns to face me again, I can tell my tactic has worked, and I’m delighted. I want to give him space to process his trauma. Otherwise, judging from what he’s said about forgetting how to Daddy and being all alone, he’s never going to be able to be close to anyone again. But if now isn’t the time, that’s okay. My job in relationships is literally comic relief. Brats disrupt. That’s what we’re good at.
“But you still celebrate Christmas?” Evan asks, clearly interested.
“Yeah, it’s kind of a case of ‘why not?’” I explain with a laugh. “We both grew up in the UK and so did our parents. When the whole country—the whole Western world, actually—revolves around Christmas, it’s not hard to embrace it and enjoy it from a secular angle. But my family aren’t particularly religious, and neither is Sai’s, so it never felt like something was being imposed on us. Realistically, most people in this country don’t get particularly religious about it, either, so there you have the ‘why not?’ argument.”
“But?” Evan prompts, and I like that he’s interested and paying attention to my story. Because he’s right, there is another side to this.
“But,” I agree. “When we got together, Sai and I talked about how we do actually have our own cultures and traditions. So we decided that we were going to make an effort to celebrate them with each other in ways we might not have even done at home.”
“That sounds lovely,” Evan says, sounding like he really means it.
I grin, grateful he isn’t looking at me like I’m crazy for doing something non-Christian like some of my work colleagues have in the past. People will swear this country isn’t religion orientated then completely ignore how everything shuts down around Easter and especially Christmas and the Christian new year.
“It is lovely,” I agree. “It also means that we have a full calendar for the last third of the year. The Jewish high-holiday season is usually around September/October depending on the year, then Diwali—that’s the Hindu new year—falls some time at the end of October or start of November. Then it’s basically Christmas until the end of December, especially now Tian is in the picture. Despite his name, he’s not a practicing, religious Christian at all. But he definitely loves Christmas as much as the next boy. By which, I mean me.”
We both chuckle at that, and I look at Evan, loving how easy it is to see he’s rolling something over in his mind with careful consideration.
“How do you celebrate the different holidays?”
“Well, Diwali is the festival of lights,” I explain, enjoying having a captive audience to share this part of mine and Sai’s—and now Tian’s—lives. “So you welcome in the new year by cleaning the house from top to bottom and lighting a shit tonne of lights, as you might expect. We try and visit Sai’s family when we can. Both his parents are amazing cooks, and I always roll out of their house fit to burst, especial from his mum’s onion bhajis and these pistachio sweet cake things that are to die for.”
Evan hums. “I think a holiday that is based on good food with the people you love is probably always going to be a winner,” he says.
I nod but I’m also waving my hands. “Yes, definitely. However, some of the Jewish ones are about fasting and reflection. Although that first meal after Yom Kippur is always mind blowing. Our new year—Rosh Hashanah—definitely revolves around food. Lots of apples, honey, bread, and fish. Sukkot is actually my favourite. It’s the harvest festival and there’s obviously food involved in that, too. But a big part of it is building, like, a hut thing called a Sukkah. I never did it as a kid, but Sai, being an architect, really gets involved. It’s just a wooden structure with an open front and branches on top, but that can still be quite a challenge.”
“You do that in London?” Evan says sceptically.
I laugh. “We tend to go out into somewhere like Dulwich Woods and make it just for a few hours. If we had a place with a garden, we could keep it up for the seven days and actually sleep in there a night like you’re supposed to. There was one year where a friend let us do that in the rooftop garden of his apartment building. It was quite an experience.”
“I had no idea,” he murmurs. “And Hanukkah?”
I try not to laugh or roll my eyes, but I was waiting for that one. It’s not his fault that’s typically the one non-Jews have heard of and what everyone asks about.
“People have different opinions and celebrate holidays differently,” I say diplomatically. “But honestly? It’s become more like Christmas to make Christians feel better or Jews feel less left out. And that’s totally fine. In our house, we light a menorah for the eight days and that’s actually really special to me. But as we celebrate Christmas Day, I really don’t want Hanukkah presents as well. That’s just me personally. I know Jewish families who go all out for the entire week, then go for the traditional Chinese meal on the twenty-fifth.”
“That’s a thing?” Evan asks.
“Yep,” I say with a chuckle. “My family did do that some years. It can be very cool to go rogue when the rest of the country feels like it’s all doing the same thing.”
Evan once more takes some time to digest what I’ve said. For a while, we walk past the stalls and queues for rides as the evening draws in. I get a sense that we’re wandering towards the ice rink, but we still have time before our slot, so there’s no rush.
“You three have such rich lives together,” Evan muses. “It’s hard not to feel like I’ve wasted so much time.”
I shake my head. “Healing needs time,” I say firmly. “I’m a nurse, I know these things. If you try and rush it, it’ll just take longer.”
He gives me a small smile. “True.”
I don’t ask him specifically what he’s healing from. From what he’s said, I assume it was a very bad break-up. If he wants to tell me—or Tian or Sai—he will in his own time. Instead, I want to keep the conversation positive.
“I know you said Christmas hasn’t been your thing for a while, but did you used to enjoy it? Or do you have another holiday or time of year you love?”
He seems a bit surprised at being asked about himself. Like it’s been a long time since anyone has. Or maybe it’s been too long since he allowed anyone close enough to give them a chance to.
But a dreamy look comes over his face. “I’ve always loved New Year’s Eve,” he says, his smile growing. “I used to throw a big party every year. I think there’s something really powerful about new year and a new beginning. The chance to start fresh or try again.”
“Fresh starts are very important,” I agree.
We’ve naturally come to a stop near the Ferris wheel. At some point, he must have crumpled up the paper cone the nuts came in and thrown it in the bin. So his other hand is free to take mine and hold them both. He’s a couple of inches taller than me, and I just stare into his piercing blue eyes for a moment.
“I think this is the most important fresh start of my life,” he murmurs. “And it wouldn’t have happened without you and Tian pushing me. So…thank you.”
My heart skips a beat. His face is so close to mine, our smoky breath mingling in the space between. Despite all the ruckus around us, it feels like we’re the only two people in the world.
Except we’re really not.
“Evan?”
He jerks back suddenly and whips his head around sheepishly. Then his eyes land on someone and he blinks. “Robert?”
Evan lets go of both my hands. I feel bereft in the moment, but I appreciate that if this is just a practice date, he might not want anyone he knows asking awkward questions. Still, I wish he didn’t feel he had to.
A man is walking towards us looking surprised but also happy. Beside him is a boy who looks around ten years old, I’d guess, using two crutches to make his way. He’s confident on his feet, though, and grinning as he and the man close the distance between us. At a glance, I’d guess his condition to be something like cerebral palsy.
“Good to see you,” Robert says, sticking his hand out. Evan, however, looks anxious as he shakes it. “I don’t think you’ve met my son before. This is Timothy. Timothy, this is my boss, Mr Zegler.”
My eyebrows raise before I can stop them. Evan said he worked in accounting but not that he was the boss. Although knowing him as I do now, his modesty doesn’t really surprise me.
It takes Evan a second to recover, but then he smiles at Timothy and inclines his head in an almost bow. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he says.
Another stilted pause. But after a couple of seconds, I realise Evan has clamped up and needs rescuing. So I also offer my hand to Robert for a shake. “I’m Jude, a friend of Evan’s. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You must be a good friend if you’ve convinced Evan to do something Christmassy,” Robert says with a laugh. He lets my hand go and places it on his son’s back in a sweet, caring gesture. “My boss really hates this time of year and usually hibernates until January.”
Evan hums but his expression is pinched. I have no idea what the history is between these men, but Robert seems genuinely friendly at least.
“We were actually just talking about fresh starts and new beginnings,” I say lightly, hoping I’m not putting my foot in anything.
Robert’s expression becomes more sympathetic. “Fresh starts can be wonderful things,” he says earnestly. “Well, I promised Timothy a ride on this definitely safe, very high Ferris wheel, so we’d better get in the queue. It was nice to meet you, Jude. I’ll see you tomorrow, Evan.”
He nods and musters a small smile. However, then Timothy pauses and lets go of the handle on one of his crutches. The cuff around his wrist keeps it upright, but it means he can wave at us.
“Bye, Mr Zegler! Bye, Mr Jude! It was nice to meet you! Merry Christmas!”
Before I can reply, Evan pipes up. “Merry Christmas,” he says back sincerely.
We watch father and son walk away.
I glance at Evan. He seems a bit shell shocked.
“That was nice,” I say to break the ice. “How?—”
“There are only four of us in the office,” Evan interrupts. “It’s a small company. My father’s before I took it over. I…I haven’t thrown them a Christmas party in years. If they do anything, they must organise it themselves out of their own pocket. They haven’t had a bonus or a decent pay rise in years because I always worry it’ll come back to bite the company later. But what if there isn’t a later? No one is guaranteed tomorrow.”
He drags his hand over his jaw before looking at me. “Evan,” I say firmly. “You said yourself that you’ve not been well.” But he shakes his head.
“It’s one thing that I’ve let myself get swallowed by misery, but I’ve inflicted it on them, too. I just see them as calculators. Not people with lives and…and families.”
He seems stricken and I can’t bare it. So before I can overthink it, I throw my arms around his waist and hug him tightly. It only takes a second for him to return the embrace.
“It’s never too late to make amends,” I tell him. “You can change all that now if you want to.”
He nods, our temples pressed together. “I think I do want to change, thoroughly. I don’t want to be this man anymore, Jude.”
I lean back and cup the side of his face. “You’re already changing, Daddy,” I say softly. “You’re coming back to life. I know you can be whatever kind of man you want to be.”
He sniffs then takes a deep, shuddery breath before nodding. “I can certainly try.”
“That’s the first step,” I agree. “I believe in you. So does Tian. So does Sai.”
Carefully, like he’s not sure if I’ll flinch away, he lifts his hand and also cups my face, mirroring what I’m doing to him. Despite the fact that we’re both wearing gloves, the touch is still electrifying.
Evan’s gaze flickers over my face. “The three of you are like some kind of Christmas miracle,” he murmurs. The moment is weighted, and my instinct is to alleviate the tension by making a joke.
I don’t.
“We’re here for you,” is what I say instead.
I’m not sure which one of us inches closer first, but suddenly there’s mere millimetres between our lips.
And then there’s no distance at all as Daddy Evan kisses me.