14. Tian
CHAPTER 14
Tian
I’m obsessed with Jude’s hickey.
It feels like something personal that I should ignore, but I can’t stop thinking about that mark on his neck, imagining how Daddy Evan gave it to him. There are so many scenarios floating around my brain, like clips from a movie on repeat. No one needs to know how many times I’ve wanked off to the possibilities.
Except when I glance over at Jude again, I realise he’s watching me and totally catches me in the act. I quickly turn my head back and try and conceal my blush, but now I can feel that he’s the one looking at me.
“Is everything okay?” he asks. I can tell he’s genuinely concerned, but there’s also his usual playful tone as well.
“Yep, fine,” I squeak. “What about this?”
We’re on Oxford Street attempting to find a Christmas present for Daddy Sai, which is a terrible idea as it’s teeming with tourists. But neither of us wanted to sit in front of a computer and do it, especially as that’s difficult to do when Daddy Sai’s always in the apartment, and my room at my place is so cramped.
Jude came and met me after work, and we’re trying to not put too much pressure on ourselves by putting an hour’s limit on it before we head home. We’ve still got time to search elsewhere if we don’t have any luck tonight. I’m just trying not to let all the jostling bodies get to me or the Christmas songs being blasted from all sides, competing to be heard.
Outside it’s cold and windy, but inside all the shops the heating is blasting, so the staff don’t freeze. I’ve taken my hat and scarf off so many times, I’m worried I’m going to drop one of them, and I’ve given up on my gloves entirely for the moment, just exposing my hands to the elements.
We’re currently looking through the window of a place that specialises in scents. I know aftershave might not be a frightfully original idea, but I love my Daddy smelling nice in something I’ve bought for him.
“Tian,” Jude says patiently, making me look up at him. “Come on. It’s me. What’s our number one rule?”
“We always come home,” I say automatically.
He rolls his eyes. “Don’t be a brat. That’s my job. What’s our other number one rule?”
“Communication,” I say with a sigh, shoving my tingling hands in my pockets and starting to walk along the busy pavement again.
We’re coming up to Regent’s Street and I start to steer us that way so we can try looking down Carnaby Street. There are some alternative stores there that might offer us up something more original. Plus, the light displays are stunning. I don’t know what the theme is this year, but it’s always good.
Unfortunately, Jude isn’t letting this go. He loops his arm through mine and jostles me. “Seriously, Tee. Are we okay?”
“Of course we are,” I cry in horror, looking at him like he’s crazy.
He chuckles and shakes his head. “Then why do you keep looking at my hickey like you want to lick it instead of just licking it?”
I blush again and study my feet as we walk. “Sorry,” I mumble.
He squeezes my arm with his. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. But I think we should talk about whatever it is you’re thinking. Is my hickey upsetting you?”
“No!” I say honestly. But his gaze catches mine and I realise that he’s right. We need to hash this out. “I…it’s complicated,” I admit.
“Are you jealous?” Jude asks softly.
I give him a one-armed shrug. “Sort of. But not in the way you might be thinking. It’s not like I’m feeling possessive over you or Daddy Evan. It’s kind of the opposite, actually.”
A grin slowly creeps onto his face. “You wish you’d been there.”
My blush deepens, and I hope he just thinks it’s from the wind. But then I remember that I’m supposed to be communicating how I’m feeling, not hiding it away. I rub my forehead, feeling like such a mess. “I am sorry,” I grumble. “It’s like I’m totally fumbling around in the dark with all this. Apparently being in a throuple for three years and spending time with other people are two different kinds of polyamory.”
“They are,” Jude says. He leans over and kisses my temple, making butterflies in my tummy, even after all this time. “Please stop being so hard on yourself, babe. This is new and complicated, and this is why we have to talk about it. Dating Sai and I and us three being committed to each other is a completely different kettle of fish to me getting off with someone you’re interested in.”
“No, it’s not that,” I say hurriedly. “I was just helping Evan out that one time.”
Jude arches an eyebrow at me as we walk down the slightly calmer Great Marlborough Street that will take us to Carnaby Street. The faux Tudor facade of the Liberty department store looms above us.
“You keep saying that,” Jude says, “but it’s obvious you’re carrying a bit of a torch. And it’s okay if the fact that me and him were intimate gets you in your feelings.” He bumps his shoulder against mine. “So long as you don’t bottle said feelings up.”
I stop so I can turn and face him, holding both his hands. “They’re not bad feelings, not really,” I promise him.
He grins and wiggles his eyebrows at me. “Jealousy can be kind of sexy, you know?”
I sigh and smack his arm though his coat. “You’re such a dick.”
“Noted,” he says happily, leaning forwards and pecking a kiss onto the tip on my cold nose. “But you are still sexy.”
Taking his hand again, I rub my thumb against his glove, mulling over my thoughts. “I loved my little playdate with Daddy Evan, and I think it really has helped him overcome so much.”
“Absolutely,” Jude agrees, uncharacteristically sincere. “Honestly, Tee, it’s like he’s woken up a new man. We had so many breakthroughs during our time together, and I know he’s excited to cook dinner for Sai soon so they can keep his progress going.”
Pride flutters through my chest. “We’ve really made a difference in his life, huh?” All because I pushed him with that text I sent. But Jude and Sai helped me write it, so it genuinely has been a team effort.
“We’re making a difference,” Jude says, quirking an eyebrow. “It really doesn’t have to be past tense.”
But I shake my head and drop one of his hands so we can start walking again. We don’t have much longer to shop before we said we’d head home. “I had my date,” I say simply.
“Tian,” Jude says, sounding exasperated. I can practically hear his eyes roll.
“No, Jude, that wasn’t the deal,” I say firmly. “He needed help to start dating again. He just wants a boy of his own. We’re so much more than that. It wouldn’t be fair to start confusing things.”
“We’re not robots, hun,” Jude says in a slightly kinder tone of voice. “These aren’t algorithms we’re programming. We’re human beings with those pesky feelings we keep mentioning. Relationships change and evolve. If you want to see him again, tell him. You don’t actually know what he’s looking for, do you? I don’t think even he does.”
I nibble on my lip. “He’s been so hurt,” I whisper, unable to meet Jude’s eyes as I feel my own prickling with tears. “I’m not sure how or why, but he’s been in so much pain. I couldn’t…I’d hate to confuse him or wound him any further. It doesn’t really matter what I want. I can’t risk that.”
Jude stops us again and throws his arms around me fiercely. “Of course it matters what you want,” he says hotly. I can’t help but smile as I sniffle. His protectiveness is adorable. He pulls back and brushes the tears from my cheeks. “And I think you’re one hundred percent right. He’s been recovering from some sort of terrible heartbreak for a long time. But how do you know that seeing you again won’t help to fix that?”
I frown, turning his words over. “But we already had our date. He learned so much.”
Jude laughs. However, it’s not mocking me. “Yeah, you had one date. But my date unlocked Sexy Daddy Evan. So why can’t you go back and help him with that as well now?”
My insides bubble nervously. Sex? With someone that isn’t Daddy Sai or Jude? That’s a big step.
Needing something to do, I fish around in my pocket until I find a tissue and blow my nose that’s running from the cold and wind. “That wouldn’t be fair,” I protest weakly.
Jude isn’t buying it. “Why?”
I shrug. “Because we’re all going to have one date and that’s it. Surely anything else would be too complicated.”
“You’re making up what’s in his head,” Jude says. His words are light and playful, but his eyes are serious. “This is why communication is our number one rule— one of them, anyway,” he corrects himself before I can do it.
I offer him a little chuckle and sigh. “I feel like I can’t reach out to him. That would put too much pressure on him. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? I’d be so cross with myself if I put any kind of kibosh on his dinner with Sai.”
Jude nods, apparently listening to me for once. “Okay, how about this? We wait until Sai and Evan meet up. Afterwards, Sai can give us an idea of how he thinks Evan was feeling. Then you can decide whether or not you want to message him and ask to see him again. That way, you won’t be at risk of complicating things for Sai.”
For a minute, I just stare at a nearby display of shooting stars, until the yellow light bulbs are burned into my retina. I blink and look away, still considering Jude’s words. “I guess I could do that,” I say, feeling guilty for even admitting it out loud.
I don’t know how Daddy Sai’s evening with Daddy Evan is going to go. For all I know, they’re both too Dom to be attracted to each other, so they’re just going to swap notes on how best to deal with littles and brats.
But they could have sex. Just like Daddy Evan and Jude had sex. And then I’d be the only one that didn’t, and I have a very strong suspicion that I’d spend the rest of my life wondering what I’d missed out on.
If it could have been incredible.
I’ve never seriously considered having sex with anyone else once I made things official with Daddy Sai and Jude. Since the first day I met them, in fact. They went to such lengths to capture my heart, and after that, I’ve had no interest in looking around no matter how objectively hot the guy might be.
But with Daddy Evan…it’s like he’s a drug and I just need one more hit before I can quit. Or rather, that I need the full experience of a proper hit so I know I didn’t miss out on anything.
Inhaling cold air deep into my lungs, I nod and smile at Jude, wiping my face with my gloved hand to get rid of any lingering tears. “I think that’s a good plan,” I tell him. “I’ll see how Daddy Sai does, then maybe text Daddy Evan and ask him up front how he feels and what he wants. I…I’d be sad if he was interested in seeing me again, but I was too afraid to do anything about it.”
Jude beams and leans closer to press his lips against mine. “That sounds like a very wise, sensible and logical plan from a brilliant mind,” he quips.
I laugh and shove him. “Behave.”
“Never.”
As we walk the rest of the way to Carnaby Street, I feel lighter. The uncertainty of this whole situation has definitely got me feeling off kilter. Voicing some of my thoughts and concerns hasn’t really fixed anything, but Jude was right. Now I’ve communicated to him what’s going on in my mind and, moving forward, he can offer advice and get on the same page as me, or at least appreciate where I’m coming from.
For the first time since I left Daddy Evan’s house, hope creeps around the edge of my heart.
Maybe this isn’t goodbye forever, after all?