15. Sai
CHAPTER 15
Sai
The first thing I notice as I approach Evan’s house is that some of the lights are on in the upper levels. When he opens the door and lets me inside, I then realise that the heating is on in the entrance hall.
It’s hard not to think of that as progress, and warm pride fills my chest as I think of what my beautiful boys have been able to do for this man in such a short time.
“Hi,” I say a little breathlessly as he closes the door.
“Hi,” he says back in his low rumbly voice. Wordlessly, he holds his hands up to take my coat and accessories, so I shrug them off for him.
“Thank you.”
He shakes his head. “No, thank you for coming. We haven’t had much of a chance to get to know one another, and both your boys spoke so highly of you. I didn’t want to miss the opportunity.”
As we look at each other, something charged passes between us. He’s not some shy, sweet boy. The dynamic is so different to what I’ve been used to for so many years, but that doesn’t mean it’s unwelcome.
Far from it.
“You didn’t even want one date,” I joke, breaking the tension and moving down the hall. Seeing as the basement level is where both Tian and Jude spent their time here, I assume that’s where we’re headed. Sure enough, Evan begins to follow me. “Now you’ve had three.”
“Four.” I glance over my shoulder and raise my eyebrows at Evan, who continues to explain. “Four dates if you include meeting Tian in the park, which I do.”
I grin and nod, agreeing that I would include that, too. Without that initial meet-up, none of the rest of this would have happened.
And that would be such a shame.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Evan continues as we reach the bottom of the stairs, “but before he left, Jude gave me some food ideas for us. So I took a gamble and made a chilli. But if that isn’t okay, I do also have nibbles and wine.”
I laugh in delight. “Yes, I do love a chilli, Jude was right. But this all looks delicious.”
On the breakfast bar he’s laid out crudités and dip along with a selection of little savoury-looking pastries. There’s also a bottle of red with a fancy label and two large glasses standing next to it.
“Wonderful,” Evan says as he moves to pick up the wine. “Can I get you a glass?”
“Please.” I settle on a stool and watch as he pours us a couple of inches before handing me mine. “What shall we toast to?”
He bites his lower lip and considers a moment. Then he looks up and meets my eyes again. “To fresh starts,” he says.
“To fresh starts,” I repeat. We tap and the glass chimes delicately through the air.
For a while, I simply watch as he turns the heat up under the chilli sauce from where it was just warming before and stirs it. He gets white rice going as well, and soon delicious aromas fill the air. Low music plays in the background so it’s not awkward. I feel like I should want to babble on so it’s not silent between us. But it feels comfortable.
Instead, I help myself to some of the sliced veggies and one of the dips that seems to be some kind of incredible whipped cheese with a hint of spice. It’s in a small ceramic bowl rather than plastic from the supermarket. I wonder if that means Evan made it. Even if he just took the time to decant it from the pot it came in into one of his own, it’s still thoughtful.
In a moment of clumsiness, though, I miss my mouth, and the carrot slips from my hand onto the floor with a splat.
“Oh, fuck. I’m so sorry,” I say with an embarrassed laugh. At least the floor is tiled in this part of the room, so it hasn’t left a stain. “Let me?—”
“No, I’ve got it,” Evan says, already there with an anti-bacterial wipe to scoop it up.
“Sorry,” I mumble again.
He shakes his head, his foot on the bin pedal to lift the lid so he can drop the rubbish inside. “You’re my guest. I want to take care of you.”
It warms me to see his Daddy instincts coming out. The whole point of this endeavour was to give him back his confidence, so to see that with my own eyes feels like a privilege.
However, I’m surprised how much the sentiment moves me. “I’m usually the one taking care of everyone,” I say, keeping my tone light.
Evan turns off both the hob rings and moves to dish up a portion of rice and chilli in two shallow bowls. His got a slight frown on his face as he puts one in front of me, grabs the salt and pepper, then positions himself on a stool opposite me. I like that we’re here instead of the big dining table. It might be a bit strange with only two of us. This feels more intimate.
However, I’m also a bit nervous. How long is it since I gave up control to anyone else, even if it’s just regarding dinner? Why do I like it so much when I never have before?
As if reading my mind, Evan goes to take a bite, but then he puts his fork down and fixes me with a serious look. “Is this okay?” he asks.
Copying him, I rest my cutlery down on the sides of my bowl and fiddle with my wine glass stem instead. “It’s lovely,” I admit, braving to look up and meet his bright blue eyes. They’re tender as they look at me. “It’s not like Jude and Tian don’t look after me in their own ways. But this is…different.”
Without saying anything, Evan reaches his hand out and offers me his palm. For a second, I just look at it. This feels like crossing a line.
But why not? We’re not doing anything wrong by any means. It’s just…
“It’s a long time since anyone made me feel vulnerable,” I tell him truthfully as I slip my hand against his.
He grunts, his lips quirking in a small smile. “You and me both.”
His skin is warm and dry. I absently trace my fingers along the inside of his wrist, but then it’s like we both realise how intimate that is and draw back at the same time. I clear my throat and chuckle as I pick up my fork once more.
“You know, if we drop food at home, we just yell out ‘Room service!’ If Bow isn’t already there with us, she comes flying in to gobble it up.”
I grin and see Evan visibly relax, also starting to eat. “It’s funny your dog would be called Bow,” he says after a while.
“Why’s that?” I ask with a flick of my eyebrows.
He licks his lips. “My boyfriend’s name was Beau. B-e-a-u.”
His tone is sad. However, he looks composed. Like he’s got a lot running though his mind, but he’s not about to lose it.
“The French for ‘beautiful’,” I murmur.
As far as I’m aware, this is the first time he’s talked about his ex to any of us. Something tells me this is a big deal, and even though my heart rate is picking up, I make myself be still and not fidget, waiting for Evan to open up.
“He was beautiful,” he says. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows thickly. He trades his fork for his wine glass, taking a sip. “God, I miss him.”
It’s my turn to reach for his hand, relieved when he gives me his free one again. He then puts the glass down and rubs his chin, a shuddery breath rattling his chest.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I tell him quickly.
But he shakes his head. “I think I’m long overdue to,” he says heavily. “Besides, both of your boys told me that communication is important to you all, and the implication was that I’d better improve at it as well.”
His lips twitch with the ghost of a smile, but his eyes are still haunted. I rub my thumb against the back of his hand.
“I’d be honoured if you wanted to tell me about Beau,” I say softly.
Evan inhales slowly again, then puffs out his cheeks, shaking his head. “Where to start? He was a little, like Tian. He was more into animals and jungle stuff, though, and he liked ABDL sometimes, too.”
“Tian does from time to time,” I say. “I like being able to care for his every single need when he’s in that state.”
Evan gives me a grateful look that I imagine only Daddies of littles can share. “Exactly.”
I wonder how long it’s been since he’s talked to anyone about all this. It feels like he’s been bottling a lot up, which is never any good.
“Beau was my world. He was gorgeous and cheeky and sweet. We were together for almost ten years. We’d been living together for the last five. I thought we had forever. I took him for granted, working longer and longer hours, telling him and myself that I was saving for our future, that it would be worth it.”
He pauses and takes a big gulp of wine, his eyes shining, his jaw clenched. Apparently fortified, he pushes on.
“I was working late on Christmas Eve seven years ago when he was walking down the street, coming home with the last bits for Christmas dinner. He was struck on the pavement by a drunk driver who’d lost control and killed Beau instantly. He died all alone, out in the cold, because I’d convinced myself that making money was more important that spending time with the love of my life.”
“Oh, Evan,” I say thickly, my own eyes stinging. I slide off my stool and move around the breakfast bar. When I reach him, he turns to face me, making it easier to push my way between his knees. I wrap my arms around his body and hug him tightly. “I’m so incredibly sorry. That must have been harrowing for you. No wonder you haven’t wanted to date or celebrate Christmas for so long, if that’s what it reminds you of.”
Evan squeezes me back, his head resting on my shoulder. “Beau loved Christmas,” he croaks, his voice raw with grief. “He always decorated this whole house from top to bottom. When I resurfaced from my fugue state, sometime in the new year, I ripped it all down and threw every single thing away. I’ve never so much had a sprig of mistletoe through the door since.”
“I completely understand,” I assure him.
But he’s shaking his head. “I became such a bastard. Rather than processing my guilt, I acted like the rest world was the problem, inflicting my misery onto everyone else. Beau would be so ashamed of me.”
I lean back and cup my hands on either side of his face, feeling his short beard under my palms as I look deep into his eyes. “Beau would want you to survive,” I say firmly, knowing my words to be true even though I never met the man. “He would be happy that you’re still here. That you clung on long enough to make a fresh start. He’d want you to find joy again.”
“I think he sent me Tian,” Evan says with a rueful chuckle, wiping his eyes with both hands. “Through a bossy corgi. I think he sent me three Christmas miracles.”
My heart aches, but it’s not all from sadness. “I know you and Jude talked about religion,” I say. “But I’m pretty open in my beliefs. I think there are things out there we don’t understand. The universe works in strange ways. I do believe that some things are just meant to happen. That people find themselves in the right place at the right time against the highest of odds. Evan, I’m so happy that you found your way to us.”
“I don’t deserve any of you,” he says automatically.
I scoff. “People get things they don’t deserve all the time. Good and bad. Beau didn’t deserve to die in a tragic accident, and you didn’t deserve to be left with a shattered heart. But I’m certain that you’ve suffered enough and that you shouldn’t spend the rest of your life punishing yourself for something that really wasn’t your fault.”
Evan pulls a handkerchief from his pocket to blow his nose and wipe his eyes. “That’s what Marlon said when he signed me up to the Secret Santa blind dates in the first place.”
I give him a lopsided grin. “He sounds like a good friend.”
“His heart was in the right place,” Evan says. He balls up the hanky and tucks it away again, then places both his hands on my hips. “I never wanted to dishonour Beau’s memory. But being with Tian and Jude…it didn’t feel like disrespecting him in the way I thought it would.”
“He would want you to find happiness again,” I repeat, hoping my words sink in. “If something ever happened to me, I would want Jude and Tian to look after each other, and if that meant falling in love with someone else, I would wish that for them with my entire spirit.”
“I think…” Evan says, pausing to nibble on his lip before looking up at me, resolution in his eyes. “I think the fact that you’re a throuple took the pressure off and helped me to see that love isn’t finite. It doesn’t have to just be between two people. It can come in different shapes and sizes, and it can still be valid and beautiful.”
“That’s something I do believe with my whole heart,” I say.
“Moving on doesn’t mean I’m going to love Beau less,” he continues. “I’ll always love him. However, I don’t think anyone but you three could have saved me.” His voice catches, but his shimmering eyes don’t look away. “Because you showed me that it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. So…thank you.”
I take a deep breath and nod, processing the moment as best I can, given its enormity. “I’m so glad the universe brought us together. Maybe Beau put us on this path. Who knows?”
Evan rests his forehead on my chest, and I rub his back for a while, carding my fingers through the short salt-and-pepper hair at the back of his head. I’ve never had this kind of energy with anyone, but despite the tragedy lingering over us, it’s beautiful and powerful. Perhaps by freeing himself of this burden, Evan is finally letting Beau go in all the ways his memory was holding him back, letting himself blossom once again.
When he leans away to look at me, there’s only the briefest of pauses before our lips are drawn together naturally for a deep and passionate kiss. I feel so close to him in that moment, there’s simply no hesitation. When we pull back for breath, he leans his forehead against mine, his fingers clinging to my clothes.
“Let me take care of you,” I murmur.
He shakes his head. “You already have. It’s my turn now. Please let me.”
Wordlessly, I nod, watching as he rises to his feet. He takes my hand and leads me away from the kitchen and over to the sofa where he starts to kiss me again. I relax into the embrace, feeling the warmth of his body against mine.
Slowly, he starts to peel me out of my clothes. When I reach for his jumper, though, he gently bats my hands away. “I’m taking care of you, remember?” he mumbles into my mouth with a smile.
I can feel his hope and happiness like a living, breathing thing. It fills me with such joy that it’s easy to grin and relinquish control where I never normally would.
Once I’m naked, he sinks to his knees, his hands trailing down my thighs as he nuzzles my cock and balls with his nose, trailing kisses along the sensitive skin. His fingers slip around the base of my shaft as his lips glide around my head. He sucks and licks, making me harder. I fondle his soft hair, moaning with my head dropped back as he takes his time to explore my body.
Eventually, he pops off, both of us panting. His lips are swollen and red with my engorged length bobbing in front of his face. He looks up at me through spiky lashes. His pose is submissive but the calm confidence radiating from him now still very much tells me that he’s in charge, and I love it.
“I want to bend you over this couch and fuck you,” he says hoarsely, as if to prove my point.
My breath hitches. I do occasionally let Jude penetrate me, but I’m still very much topping from the bottom. I can’t even remember the last time I let anyone else do it. It’s not the act itself I’m averse to, but the giving up my power and control that usually doesn’t appeal to me.
However, I’ve already given myself over to Evan in a way that feels freeing. I know he doesn’t see me as a sub or a boy because that’s not who I am. He sees me as a lover, and he’s going to take care of me.
“Please,” I whimper.
Gently, he turns me around and places his hand on my back, encouraging me to lean over the back of the sofa. I automatically spread my legs for him, gasping when he kneels down again and licks straight into my crease, finding my hole to eat me out. I literally can’t even remember the last time someone did that for me because I didn’t want it.
I very much want it now.
Hugging the sofa, I moan, allowing myself to let go in a way I never usually can during sex. You can’t when you’re the one calling the shots.
Now I’m at his mercy and it’s perfect.
I grind against the couch, but not with enough friction that I’m in danger of coming. In the back of my mind, I worry slightly about ruining the upholstery. But then I reason he wouldn’t have told me he was going to fuck me here if he cared about that.
He takes his time, slowly adding his fingers to stretch me out. I guess he knows this is unusual for me and I need a little extra prep, but he seems happy to give it to me. He produces lube from somewhere that he adds to his spit, and by the time I hear him rip a condom open, I’m so well coated it’s dripping down my balls and thighs.
“Are you ready?” he asks, nudging his fat head against my entrance.
“Oh, fuck,” I mutter, already feeling drunk with lust. “Yes, Evan.”
My fingers grip the sofa cushions, keeping my tension there so the most important area can stay open and relaxed for him. We both grunt and gasp as he pushes past my ring of muscle, sliding inside me and filling me up.
“Sweet baby Jesus in the manger,” I rasp as he keeps going more than feels possible. He chuckles and runs his hand along my spine.
“You feel phenomenal,” he groans.
“I don’t just let anyone do this, you know,” I tell him, laughing weakly. “You better appreciate it.”
He wraps his arm around my chest to make me stand again, then touches my chin with his free hand, encouraging me to look at him. “I know,” he says, his voice raw and sincere.
Then he kisses me as he begins to move, dropping his hand from my face to encircle my cock, stroking me in time with his thrusts. I grab the back of the couch to brace myself, gyrating my hips to meet him as he pounds into me. He’s found my prostate, and I can’t help myself as I let out a low, continuous wail. As much as I love topping, this feels incredible.
“Yes, yes,” I hiss, gasping for breath as my orgasm comes racing to greet me. “Yes, don’t stop, holy fuck.”
“Come for me, Sai,” he whispers, nipping at my earlobe. I drop my head back onto his shoulder and gnash my teeth, spilling all over his hand and the sofa. “Good boy,” he says, sounding pleased. Whether that’s with himself or me or both, I’m not sure. But I hope it’s both.
“That’s normally my line,” I protest with a laugh, my body trembling all over with the shock of my climax.
“Not tonight,” he says. Then he’s grabbing my hips and hammering into me hard, taking his pleasure from me in a way I’m not ever sure I’ve consented to anyone else in the past.
Evan can have it all, though.
“Yes, Daddy,” I whimper, slightly delirious. I’ve definitely never called anyone that. But Evan knows I’m also Daddy, so in my mind it’s not only okay, it’s hot. He might be topping, but I know he respects me as an equal.
And I want him to come in my arse.
Evan howls and grips me so hard I’m sure I’m going to bruise. Just like Jude. Evan shudders as he pumps his load inside the condom, but I can still feel him throbbing inside me. Eventually, he flops his chest against my back, breathing heavily as he hugs me tight.
“Thank you,” he mumbles.
I find his hand and intwine my fingers with his, bringing them up to kiss them. “No, thank you,” I say, slightly giddy.
His mouth finds mine once more and he kisses me until he goes soft inside me, and we get too cold and sticky to stay there any longer. But before I can think about what to do, he’s the one going to the small bathroom, bringing back two washcloths so we can carefully wipe each other down. Perhaps he thought we might just clean ourselves, but we both naturally reach for the other.
I kiss his lips again, unable to contain my grin. “Thank you,” I tell him once more, wanting him to understand what a gift he’s given me. And hope that he’s given himself.
I also hope he knows now that change isn’t inherently bad. Different can be amazing. And that he absolutely deserves happiness in his life after all this time.
Before we can find our clothes and reheat dinner, I pick up my wine glass. Holding it up until he mirrors me, we toast a second time. “To a fresh start,” I repeat.
“To a fresh start,” he agrees with a nod before we both take a sip. “Thank you.”
I don’t fight him. He can have the last one.
For now.