16. Evan
CHAPTER 16
Evan
Going back to Bootleg seemed like a good idea at the time. After completing my three different kinds of dates with Tian, Jude, and Sai, it made sense to put myself back out there and see how I felt about the scene with renewed enthusiasm.
Except I’m sitting here looking at the pretty boys, and all I can think about is what my three Christmas miracles are up to.
It’s not like I haven’t made any progress. When I first arrived, I actually went to the daycare to sit awhile with the littles playing with their toys. But I became too preoccupied worrying what I would do if one of them actually approached me, because that might mean they’d want more. They’d want to play or fuck, and I just can’t give that to anyone else right now.
So I removed myself before any of them could come ask me how I was doing or if I was interested in joining their fun. I’d only disappoint them or hurt their feelings, which is definitely not what I want.
Which begs the question: what do I want?
I’m nursing a glass of merlot as usual, letting the loud music and swirling lights in the darkness consume me. I know I don’t want to fall back into old habits, so perhaps I should get myself out of here before I do something I’ll regret. But realistically, I’m not sure I’m in danger of catching someone’s eye for a no strings quickie. The thought doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest, with a little or anyone else.
I wonder what the trio are doing right now as I idly thumb through my messages from all of them. Unsurprisingly, Jude is the chattiest. He doesn’t seem to need replies from me, happy to send updates almost daily on what he and the others are up to. I treasure the words I’ve received from each of them equally, but I appreciate that he’s making me feel like I’m still connected to all of them.
Whether or not that’s his intention, I really couldn’t say.
Our arrangement was only ever supposed to boost my confidence and remind me not just how to be a Daddy but that I still love this lifestyle even after everything. In that regard, it’s been a huge success. So much so that now I’m finally moving on from my soul-deep grief, I’m not interested in any more meaningless hook-ups. I want to try and build a life with someone again.
Sai, Jude and Tian already have a life together. We had fun and it meant a lot to me—I hope it wasn’t superficial to them. But they were never looking for anyone to date.
How would that even work, anyhow? Seeing them each as a one-off was fun, but where would we go from there?
I’m lingering on Sai’s last message, sent after he went home that evening after our dinner date. Just thinking about the way he let me fuck him gets me throbbing in my trousers. But it’s more than that. Confessing to him about Beau felt cathartic in ways I’d never dared to imagine. It was as if my boy was there, giving me his permission to open up my heart again.
I reread the simple message for the hundredth time.
SAI: Don’t be a stranger
I rub the side of the phone, rolling those four words over in my mind. He specifically said to me that he was glad I’d come into his and his boys’ lives. He said that he wanted me to be happy and that I mattered.
But does that mean I could text back and…what? Ask if I could see him and the others again? Would that be the right way to go about it or should I message them all individually? That immediately feels too daunting to consider. Perhaps I could just message Tian? He was the one that started all this, after all. But what would I say?
“Evan!”
I look up to see Miller beaming at me. I’m propped up at the bar and he’s behind, serving. I’m sure I didn’t notice him before, but it’s pretty busy tonight, so maybe he came out from his office to help the guys on shift. Either way, I realise I’m genuinely pleased to see him.
“Miller,” I say, reaching out to shake his hand. “How’re things?”
“Good,” he says, looking proudly around the club. “We’re having a great month. The Secret Santa event was a huge success.” He suddenly winces and peeks at me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up.”
But I shake my head and smile. “It actually turned out really well,” I confess, feeling warmth blossom in my chest. “I reached out to Tian and ended up going on a few dates, not just with him, but his two boyfriends as well.”
Miller’s eyebrows shoot up. “Wow. Congrats, mate. I didn’t think you were interested in that, though?”
“Neither did I,” I admit with a chuckle. “But Tian is special. They all are.”
Miller beams. I know he’s supposed to be serving customers, but his staff don’t seem too swamped at the moment. So if he’s okay chatting with me for a bit, I appreciate having someone to voice my thoughts to. Perhaps he might be able to give me some advice.
Right on cue, he nods at me. “So are you going to see them again?”
I sigh and swirl the wine in my glass. “I’m not sure. It’s complicated. I didn’t think I was ready to date anyone a couple of weeks ago. There are three of them.”
Miller hums and rubs his chin. Then his eyes light up. He holds a finger up to me as if to tell me, ‘wait there’ and dashes down the bar to say something into his kitty boyfriend’s ear. Charlie nods as Miller speaks, then he ducks out into the throng of the club. Miller gives me a thumbs up and points after Charlie before turning to serve another customer.
I’m not sure what they’re up to, but I’ve got nothing better to do than wait. My wine keeps me company for a few minutes until Charlie returns with a handsome man beside him. The kitty struts back to work, but the newcomer has obviously been told by him to come see me. He looks to be in his mid-thirties and if I know anything about tailoring, I’d say his suit costs more than my whole wardrobe. I never was a clothes horse, but this man makes me reconsider whether I should be making more of an effort.
From one Daddy Dom to another, I immediately sense the vibe, but his smile is warm as he approaches.
“Jacob!” Miller cries over the music and chatter. “Thanks for coming over. This is my friend, Evan. I thought you might be able to offer him some advice.”
I blink and automatically offer him my hand, which he shakes. “Nice to meet you,” I say politely.
“Likewise,” Jacob says. He sounds genuine, which is a relief. I feel a bit awkward that Miller has bothered someone with my problems. However, Jacob doesn’t appear put out as he leans against the bar, smiling between Miller and me. “How can I help?”
Miller smirks knowingly but not in an unkind way. “Evan here has accidentally found himself involved with a throuple and he’s not sure how to go about taking things further.”
Jacob blinks, then slowly turns his gaze to me. “No, shit?” he asks with a laugh.
“Um, yeah,” I say, feeling like I’m missing something. “That’s the very abridged version of the novel.”
Jacob laughs again and claps his hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “I accidentally found myself taking three best friends on individual dates. The abridged version of that novel is now we all sleep in the same bed.”
It’s my turn to stare and then eventually blink slowly. “Are you fucking with me?” I ask genuinely.
“See?” Miller says gleefully as he slices up lime wedges. “I told you he’d probably have advice.”
Jacob turns and looks out over the dance floor. “Ah! There they are. You see those three guys grinding against each other by the speaker?”
I follow where he’s pointing and make out three young men. The smallest looks a little shy and the tallest like he’s a lot of trouble. The chubbier one has a protective air about him with his hands on both the others as he looks adoringly at them.
“You’re all in a relationship together?” I say, hardly daring to believe it.
Jacob nods. “It’s unconventional, I know. Sometimes people don’t understand it, but that’s their problem. It’s one of the reasons we like coming here. We know polyamory isn’t just accepted, it’s pretty tame compared to some of the other shenanigans that go on. Plus, we’ve been encouraging Luke to explore age play more in the daycare.”
My heart flip-flops in my chest as I think of Tian. “He’s a little?” I ask faintly.
Jacob nods. “They’re all my boys, and they enjoy different things. Luke has overcome the most, though. Age play helps him let go. Sometimes he struggles to accept that he deserves love.”
The admiration is clear in Jacob’s words, and I feel that old familiar lump rise in my throat. “How do you help him do that?” I hope my tone is casual and not a desperate plea for help. It’s not really a mystery to me that even after my groundbreaking talk with Sai, I’m still having difficulty believing that I’d be worthy of love from just one man, let alone three.
Jacob’s still watching his boys like they’re the most precious things in his whole world. I imagine that’s exactly what they are. “Sometimes one-on-one time with Daddy,” he replies, “so I can love him slowly and tell him over and over that he’s perfect and beautiful and mine.” He flicks his gaze back to me and winks. “Sometimes my big boy and my naughty boy help as well, and we gang up on our pretty boy. It’s hard to argue you’re not adored when it’s three against one.”
“That’s wonderful,” I murmur.
My thoughts are buzzing and I’m still feeling overwhelmed. But seeing a real-life foursome in front of my eyes makes some of my doubts a little quieter. Jude oh-so-casually mentioned to me a couple of times that there’s an adult entertainment four-piece polycule that he’s mildly obsessed with, but that’s different. People control what they release on social media.
I’m seeing this for myself firsthand. It’s hard to deny the way that Jacob is looking at his three boys or the erotic way they’re dancing with each other.
I know I had an arrangement with Tian that has morphed into something with Jude and Sai as well. But if I take a step back and look at the big picture—like I have been with rereading all our messages—there’s really nothing to suggest that any of them are keen to be rid of me now that my Daddy lessons are over.
“How did you decide that you wanted to make it work with all of you? Did you know from the start?”
Jacob scoffs and shakes his head, rubbing the back of his neck. “No. We had to cut through far too much bullshit and stop getting in our own way. There might have been a breakdown involving a pile of kittens.”
“But?” Miller prompts with a grin. He’s still hovering doing prep work, apparently wanting to oversee our heart-to-heart. I’m not sure I can be trusted not to be a moron and completely self-sabotage myself, so I don’t mind him getting involved.
“But,” Jacob repeats with his own grin. “We got there in the end by taking some big, scary baby steps. I’d been with them all individually, and that gave them to confidence to try moving beyond friendship with each other. The chemistry was all there, so we slowly tried more as a group. Once we got over the fact that western society is still so hung up on monogamous couples being the only way to achieve true happiness and played by our own rules, it all came surprisingly naturally.”
I exhale and sip my wine, thinking over everything he’s said. “My situation is slightly different. They’re already together. Sai and Jude are married and have been dating Tian for a few years. It’s me who’s the outsider, and I guess I’m worried about messing things up.”
Jacob gives me a serious look and squeezes my shoulder again. “Life’s too short.”
I grunt and shake my head. “Don’t I know it.”
And I do. But although the sadness is still there when I think of Beau—I imagine it always will be—it doesn’t wreck me.
That’s kind of incredible.
“What do you really have to lose?” Jacob asks. “If the three of them are stable, then it’s just you putting yourself out there. It’ll either work out or it won’t, but you’ll never know if you don’t try.”
Humming, I look back over at the three dancing boys. They’re trading kisses and shaking their backsides to the perky Christmas song currently pumping over the sound system. A woman with an incredible voice appears to be counting down the days till Christmas, and the tall boy in particular is losing his shit in the sweetest way. Like his life depends on this songstress making it to December twenty-fifth with her secret love.
His larger-than-life energy reminds me of a certain tattooed nurse who always seems to be searching for a spanking.
I’ve lived with remorse like it’s a physical weight these past several years, letting it drag me down and hold me back. I don’t want to regret letting my three Christmas miracles go without finding out if we could be something more.
“Baby steps?” I ask with a crocked eyebrow, looking back at Jacob.
“Big, scary lurching ones,” he says, flashing me a knowing smile.
He’s right. I don’t have to arrive on their doorstep and ask them all to be my boyfriends. We’re not there yet. But just realising that could be what I do want sounds like one of those scary steps.
And thinking about it, there is something I can do to even up what we’ve shared so far between the four of us.
I pick my phone up from the table. But before I unlock it, I clasp Jacob’s arm and catch Miller’s gaze.
“Thank you,” I tell them both sincerely.
Miller salutes at me. “Us Daddies have got to stick together.”
I think of Sai and warmth blossoms in my chest. “Yeah,” I agree.
With a final nod, Jacob goes back to his boys and Miller starts serving customers again, leaving me alone with my phone and my wine. I want to choose my words carefully, but before too long I’m happy enough and press send.
There. I’ve tried. It’s a great lurching baby step, and all I can do is hope that it’s in the right direction.