17. Jude
CHAPTER 17
Jude
It was my turn to pick a Christmas movie that evening. Obviously, I went with Elf because it’s the best, and I too take every opportunity to scream “SANTA!” during the month of December. Sai’s more of an It’s a Wonderful Life kind of guy, and Tian likes to rewatch all the Disney classics at this time of year, which is fine by me. But they always both humour me with my slightly wackier choices. Honestly, they’re lucky I’m not bullying them into watching Die Hard…yet. I’ve still got time.
In my opinion, it’s not officially Christmas until Hans Gruber falls off the Nakatomi Plaza.
But as I glance around the living room, I can sense something is a little off. Both Sai and Tian keep absently scrolling through their phones beside me on the couch. Even Bow is subdued at our feet, like she’s sensing a vibe.
It doesn’t take a genius to guess what’s probably on their minds.
One Mr Evan Zegler.
From what I can tell, Sai had an excellent time with him the other night. The bruises on his hips certainly suggest so. The hickey on my neck is mostly faded now, which is probably a good thing for work as my uniform collar only covers so much. But I do miss it and I’m enjoying living vicariously through my husband.
But despite all his cheery smiles, I can tell there’s a sadness lurking there just like there was with Tian. When I pressed Sai on how he was feeling about the whole Evan situation, he just said, ‘I’ve left the ball in his court’ and that was it. To make things worse, Tian took that as a sign that the time wasn’t right yet to reach back out to Evan himself.
Honestly, I love both these men with my whole heart. But right now, they certainly are being twats.
Can’t they see how we all have such amazing chemistry? I know they’re aware that Evan has improved in leaps and bounds since we started this little project of ours. But why are they so convinced that there’s a limit to how far it can all go?
Perhaps it’s time I taught them some brat lessons in how to go after what you want and not stop until you get it.
“Okay,” I say in exasperation, reaching for the remote and pressing pause. It doesn’t matter that I’ve seen this movie twenty times already, I’m not missing any of it because the men I love need their heads smacking together.
“Is everything all right?” Sai asks, immediately on alert.
“No,” I say simply. I move the big bowl of half-eaten popcorn to the coffee table and rearrange myself under our shared blanket. As usual, Tian is in the middle of us, so I can turn and rest my back on the sofa arm whilst I berate my lovers. “You’re being idiots. Both of you.”
Tian’s eyes go wide, and I immediately regret going in hard. “I am?” he squeaks.
I find his knee under the blanket and give it a squeeze. “Loveable idiots,” I assure him.
“Any reason in particular?” Sai asks with an unimpressed arched eyebrow.
Blimey, I thought I was the brat. He’s definitely aware of what I’m banging on about and is being deliberately obtuse.
I huff and arch my own eyebrow back at him. “Oh, I don’t know. A certain salt-and-pepper haired Daddy who’s currently all alone in Russell Square because for some reason you two are walking on eggshells about seeing him again.”
“Jude,” Sai says firmly with a frown. “It’s a delicate situation and you know it. Evan has to move at his own pace. That’s why we’ve left it with him to reach out to us.”
I tsk. “The man who thinks he’s unworthy of love and who’s about as confident at Bambi on ice right now when it comes to dating? You want him to be even braver than he already has been?”
“He’s the Daddy,” Tian says quietly but with conviction. Then he glances at Sai, and it looks like they hold hands under the blanket. “I mean, he’s a Daddy. The whole point of this was to remind him that he’s in charge. If we overwhelm him, he might shut down again.”
“It’s going to take time for him to remember what this power dynamic can do for him,” Sai agrees. “You can’t just brat your way into his life and demand that he lets you through the front door.”
I pout, not wanting to acknowledge that he might have a point.
That being said, I’m not done.
“Can we all at least admit how we’re feeling, though?” I whine.
Bow’s ears flick up, and I make an effort to bring my pitch down. There’s no point in bitching if she’s going to be the only one who can hear me.
“About Evan. Tian, you promised you’d message him and let him know how much you’d been thinking about him and ask if he wanted to see you again. I think we should all feel free to meet up with him again!”
“Have you messaged him, then?” Tian asks curiously.
I sigh and roll my eyes. “No, I have not,” I grumble. “I’m trying to be respectful of both your wishes and all that, aren’t I? We have to be on the same page, right?”
“Right,” Tian agrees warmly.
“Which is why I want to talk it through now,” I insist. “I can’t help but feel like we’re all scared to admit that we really like this man, which is wild since we’re literally polyamorous. No one is doing anything wrong here!”
Sai sighs and reaches forwards to squeeze my leg through the blanket. His expression is one of deep affection. “You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve, baby. I don’t know why I’m surprised this time isn’t any different. I think…honestly, I think that the reason I’m so hesitant is precisely because this seems so important. I do have strong feelings for Evan, and I want to make sure we’re doing this right.” He rubs my leg and smiles. “I love that you want to rush in, though, my gorgeous boy.”
I cross my arms and roll my eyes, but I’m also smiling. “I hate being patient,” I grumble.
“Good things come to those who wait, though,” Tian counters sweetly.
“Good things come to those who work their arses off,” I fire back.
I’ve always been very resistant to the idea of sitting around hoping the things I want will fall into my lap. The urge to be proactive is strong.
But I’m also incredibly sympathetic to the fact that Evan is recovering from a big trauma. He gave Sai permission to relay to me and Tian what he disclosed about his previous boyfriend, Beau. It broke my fucking heart, if I’m being honest, and explained a great deal of Evan’s behaviour up until this point. I’m really glad he felt like he could open up and tell us that. I feel closer to him because of it.
Sai and Tian are just trying to respect his healing process. I want to do that, too. But I also can’t help but think that I know what’s best for everyone, and they’re not listening to me.
“Hun, I know you feel strongly about this,” Sai says in that annoyingly soothing tone that works too well. I huff, but my heart rate calms all the same. “We do, too. Just because we’re not shouting it from the rooftops doesn’t mean we’re not passionate.”
“Daddy Sai is right,” Tian chimes in with a nod.
I sigh and rub his knee, liking how we’re all touching each other in this moment. That feels significant. Because we’re doing this together. I’ve only felt like this once before, and that was when Sai and I were falling in love with Tian.
And, yeah, when I frame it like that, I get that this is actually kind of important, and a bit frightening because it’s so big, and maybe I shouldn’t go charging in like a bull in a china shop.
“Sorry,” I mumble.
Sai reaches out for my hand, which I give him. “You have nothing to be sorry about, hun. Thank you for pushing us into talking. But I hope you can see why we have to let Evan set the pace and respect his boundaries. If he?—”
Tian’s phone pings and he lunges for it like it’s a grenade that will go off if he doesn’t get to it in time. I can’t lie, though. I hold my breath in excitement. It’s probably just one of his friends, but?—
“It’s from Daddy Evan,” he whispers reverently, his eyes darting back and forth across the screen as he reads. I’m still holding my breath, dying to know what he’s said. “Oh my god,” Tian utters.
“What?” I cry, unable to take it any longer.
Tian looks up at Sai and I with shining eyes. “He wants to invite me over again,” he says, his voice trembling. “He says he’s learned so much from all our dates and thinks he can do much better than our first one. If I’m up for that, he’s told me not to bring anything this time. He says…” His voice catches and he places his hand on his chest as he hiccups down a little sob. “He says that Daddy Evan will take care of everything.”
“YES!” I bellow, punching my fist in the air, making Bow jump up and bark. “I told you! I told you!”
Tian sniffles but he’s grinning. Sai reaches over and brushes the tears from Tian’s cheeks with his thumb. “This is all because of you, baby boy,” Sai says proudly. “You’ve helped Evan so much. I’m so happy he wants to see you again.”
But Tian’s face drops. “What about you two, though?” he asks anxiously. He looks down at his phone with guilt, then back at us. “Why does he just want to see me?”
“Because you’re amazing,” I say. “Duh. Don’t worry about us. Evan knows he was very wobbly when he first met you. I bet he wants to see you again so he can bring his A game.” I tickle Tian’s side and make him yelp. “Besides, I bet he wants to have a chance to mark you like he did with me and Sai.”
I waggle my eyebrows as Tian blushes. “Oh, I don’t know about that. He doesn’t say anything like that in the message about…you know….”
Sai brushes a lock of Tian’s hair back from his face. “It wouldn’t surprise me if Evan felt confident enough now to get to know you more intimately. Whether that’s with a proper age play date or in bed. How would you feel about that, Baby Tee?”
He’s still blushing as he squirms to snuggle up to Sai. “I like Daddy Evan a lot, Daddy Sai.”
My heart feels like it could burst with pride. It’s not lost on me how monumental it is for Tian to admit his physical attraction to someone else like that. It shows he’s secure in his relationship with me and Sai enough to follow his heart and open up to the possibility of something with Evan.
“What are you going to reply?” I ask excitedly.
Tian bites his lower lip and can’t quite contain his shy smile. “I don’t know. Can you both help me?”
“Of course,” Sai says as I nod enthusiastically.
“I think this requires fresh popcorn!” I declare, grabbing the bowl and jumping up. Bow barks and runs in a couple of circles before following me to the kitchen.
As I get another bag popping in the microwave, I take a moment to just be in the moment and grip the counter, sitting with my feelings. I meant what I said. This is Tian’s opportunity to get the quality time with Evan that Sai and I had. He’s almost a different man now. Tian deserves to experience Daddy Evan at his very best.
And after that, who knows? But I think it’s safe to say that there are so many possibilities, I can’t stop myself from being hopeful.
The four of us have so much more to discover together.