Chapter 41 Rafael
Rafael
‘You never need to ask.’
Her body softens, like my words bring her relief. And, seconds later, blond hair brushes my chin as she rests her head on my chest and wraps her arm around my waist.
The ECG continues beeping at the same intermittent pace, despite the fact I could swear my heart stopped and started again the precise moment her cheek made contact with my bare skin.
She cried over me. Just like my mother. A sound I swore on my soul I never wanted to hear ever again.
I never wanted to be the cause of pain like that again.
I thought hearing it would break me. Deconstruct all the years I’ve spent fighting against feeling weak.
But the thought of Aurora not loving me back the way I love her. Not crying over me.
Suddenly that was worse than anything else I could imagine.
I’ve known for a while that I’m desperately, hopelessly, undeniably in love with Aurora Thorne. She’s seen all of my scars. And loves me because of them. And hearing her cry, understanding that, makes me feel stronger than I’ve ever felt.
I never knew being loved could feel like a miracle and not a burden.
I gaze down at the top of her head. She feels so right in my arms. She always did. I press my lips tightly together, hoping this won’t be the last time I’ll ever hold her like this.
‘I just need to hear your heart beating,’ she whispers.
The sweet uncertainty in her voice makes my eyes burn with tears.
‘I need to hear it,’ she chokes, like she’s holding back tears. ‘You promised me you’d love me until its last broken beat, and I’m making sure you keep your promise.’
Hope flares in my chest.
‘You forgive me?’
She sniffles. ‘I want to.’
My heart sinks. But she isn’t there yet. She doesn’t need to say the words for me to hear them.
I tighten my arm around her, biting back a desperate beg for her not to give up. I need to let her speak.
Even if it feels like I’m dying inside.
‘I want to forgive you,’ she continues. ‘Because I love you. And I promised you I’d never love again. Not like this. And I meant it. I’ll never be able to forget you, even if I want to.’
Silent tears track down my cheeks as I lift my hand and cradle her head to my chest, sinking my fingers into her silky strands.
Her words cut deeper than anything else she could have said.
I’d rather she told me she hates me, that she doesn’t love me any more.
But to hear that I’ve taken her opportunity to be happy and feel love again wrecks me more than anything else she could have said.
I thought disappointing my father was the worst thing that could happen to me.
But it’s not.
It’s disappointing her.
It’s stealing the chance of a future she deserves from her. One where she’s safe to love and be loved the way she should have been when she was mine.
I’ve failed her.
She’s the love of my life. I’d die for her. And I’ve been so selfish – caring about nothing more than getting her back, taking her home, thinking this was some battle to be won – that I couldn’t see what I was taking from her at the same time.
I can’t force Aurora back into my life. She has to come because she wants to. And no matter how hard I try to force her, ultimately it’s her decision. And I need to give her the space to make it.
I sink my nose into her hair, kissing the top of her head. She wants me to rest, but if this might be the last night I hold her in my arms, then I’m going to stay awake and savour every damn second.
And then tomorrow, I’ll do the hardest thing I’ll ever do in my life.
‘What do you fancy for breakfast? Eggs? They’re full of protein. I’ll make you eggs.’
Aurora’s hand is soft beneath mine as I help her slide the key into the lock of her building’s door, as has become our habit.
‘I’m not coming inside,’ I tell her gently.
‘But . . . ?’ She whirls to face me, her eyes wide. ‘The doctors said you need to take your medicine, and then eat better today and . . .’
Her face falls as she searches my eyes.
‘I’m sorry. I’ll make this right. I’ll be the man I should have been for you. One who would have deserved you,’ I say.
‘What do you mean?’
Panic tints her voice as I take a step backwards.
‘Rafael?’ she chokes.
She breathes out a deep sigh of relief as I take her hand inside mine and lift it back to the key that’s sitting inside the lock.
‘Okay, good idea. We can talk about this inside,’ she says as we turn it together and the door opens.
I wait for her to step through it, and then she turns to see why I’m not following her.
It’s what I’ve spent weeks wishing for. For her to invite me in. To talk. But I’ve been selfish, wanting her back because I love and miss her. Hearing her cry over me, really cry, has made everything clearer.
It’s time I put her first – properly this time.
‘I’m not him yet,’ I say, looking into her confused eyes. ‘But I will be. I promise.’
‘What?’ she whispers.
I pull her towards me, keeping my feet firmly on the other side of the doorway, where I belong. I screw my eyes shut as I press a weighted kiss to her forehead, allowing my lips to linger, basking in the feel of her smooth skin against them one final time.
‘I promise,’ I repeat gently.
‘Rafael?’
I turn away before I can see the hurt in her aquamarine eyes, and I stride to where I left my car last night.
I get inside and start the engine, pulling out into the road.
I try not to look, but my eyes betray me. Tears stream down her cheeks as she watches me leave. Tears I put there. Again.
She watches until I reach the corner. Her blond hair blows around her face softly in the breeze as I look at her one last time in my rearview mirror before I turn.
I have to fix this.
If she can’t love me again, then I need to find a way to set her free to love someone else.
There’s no other outcome I can accept and live with.
I can’t see my girl suffering because of me any longer.
Aurora Thorne won’t hate that she loves me for the rest of her days.
I’ll do whatever it takes.