CHAPTER 11 #3
“It was, but I needed that. I lived for the adrenaline. Danger, and chaos, it helped me block out my history and find some peace. The focus I needed to complete our operations, it centred me like nothing else ever had. Until it all went to shit. I got caught in an explosion as we were wrapping up a job. Brain injury got me honourably discharged.”
“I’m sorry, Dante. What about your team?”
“Rann, the guy I was working with, was killed. The rest of the team managed to get me out, but after I was discharged, I never heard from them again. They blame me for Rann dying. They should. I blame me!” he ground out, slamming his eyes closed, like he was fighting to hold back the pain of it all.
“Why would they blame you? Did they tell you that?” I demanded, angry for him.
“It was my fault. I sent Rann into the building to clear up the last of our equipment. I should have gone. I was the team lead. I should have died, not him. He had a wife waiting for him. No one was waiting for me!”
“Dante, no!” I snapped as I pushed against him.
He released his arms from around me easily, and lay back at the side of me.
He seemed to move away from me like he had expected me to push him away.
He covered his face with his hands as he lay there, and it physically hurt me, my chest tightening, to see his pain.
I didn’t hesitate any longer, throwing my leg over his waist so I was straddling him, then I leaned over him and pulled his hands from his face.
“What are you…?” I didn’t let him finish as he looked to me with confusion.
“Do not ever say or even think that again. I was waiting for you, Dante, okay? This family was waiting for you! Maybe we didn’t know it yet, but if you had…
.” I couldn’t even bring myself to say the words.
“…if we didn’t have you, what would have happened to us all, huh?
I’m pretty sure Rafe would have died, if you weren’t there to save him.
Arran and Cal wouldn’t even be here. Marcello would have ruined Gia’s life, and I…
I’d have found my mother dead and I’d have had no one!
Rafe would never have answered my call. I wouldn’t be here now. I’d probably be dead.” I cried.
“Don’t say that! No one will take you from me!” he rumbled as he reached up and grabbed me, pulling me down so I lay on top of him.
“But that’s the point. If you had…had d-died, you wouldn’t be here to protect me. No one would. You lived because we all needed you, Dante. We were waiting for you, damn it!” I growled emotionally.
Dante didn’t reply, but he did seem to think about what I had said as he just lay there, silent and holding me tight, while I swiped the tears from my cheeks.
“I killed him,” he whispered after a while, so quietly I only just caught it.
“Who?” I asked as I pushed up so I could see his face.
“Enzo. My father,” he replied. “After I got out and was released from the hospital I found an apartment in London and got a job working private security with a guy I knew from my time in Iraq. I was fucked up. My brain injury changed everything – the way I thought, worked, even ate and slept. I found it hard to focus and concentrate at times. I was able to do my job, but outside of that, I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I didn’t know who I was for a while.”
“Did that get better?” I asked.
“The brain injury didn’t. I just learned to live with it, and eventually, I discovered who I was again.
I wasn’t the same person, but I made peace with who I am now.
I’m not so bad, am I?” he asked me with just the hint of a smile.
It was so unlike him to show such vulnerability, that it took me aback.
“You’re bossy, obsessive, and crazy protective,” I told him honestly.
“It drives me crazy at times, but it also makes me feel safer than I think I have ever felt. You’re amazing, Dante.
Don’t doubt that,” I told him as I reached up and kissed his cheek softly.
As I went to pull away and lay my head back on his wide chest, he caught me and pulled me close again, gently kissing my forehead before he released me.
“You’re my mute button,” he told me. I looked to him with confusion and he went on, “There’s so much noise in my head all of the time.
My father, my past, the explosion. It all plays out over and over and my brain…
it never stops. It’s loud and overwhelming at times, but you…
when I hold you, like this, you mute it all.
Everything goes silent and all I can see and think about is you.
You bring me more peace than I have ever known, and that’s a part of why I’m so sure that you are mine. You need me, but I need you too.”
“Dante…” I didn’t even know what to say to that. His words had my heart pounding harder. He was being so open and trusting with every word he spoke, and I had a feeling it was very rare for him to be that way.
“Anyway, you wanted to know about Rafe,” he went on, his usual mask slipping back into place to cover the vulnerability I had just seen.
I knew I was lucky to have seen it at all though, so I kept my mouth shut and listened.
“That day had been a rough one. It was a year since Rann died and my life as I knew it, ended. I’d been drinking and for some reason I ended up on the estate…
where you grew up. I was angry and I wanted something to hit.
Enzo’s face seemed like a good idea, so I was looking for him.
“It was years since I’d been to the house, but my access codes on the security panels still worked.
I walked inside and I heard yelling. It was Marcello.
I headed that way, knowing Enzo was never far from Marcello, but when I walked into the office, the last thing I expected was to find Rafe holding a gun to Marcello’s head. ”
“It was the night Rafe killed him?” I asked.
“Yeah. I didn’t know at the time, but Marcello had found out that Rafe had gotten you and your Mum out of the country.
He confronted Rafe about it, promising to find out where Rafe had sent you, whatever it took.
He told Rafe he would make him watch while you were both killed.
It was the final straw for your brother.
He snapped and pulled a gun on Marcello, but before he killed him, Rafe wanted to know everything the bastard knew about you and where you were.
He wanted to be sure Marcello hadn’t already sent anyone after you.
That’s what I walked in on. But just as I walked in, so did Enzo from the door at the back of the office.
He had a gun trained on Rafe and I knew the look in his eyes well. He was going to kill him.”
“Oh God!” I gasped as I pictured it in my mind, the danger Rafe had faced, all of those years ago, just to save my life.
“I didn’t know what Rafe was like then. We’d known each other as kids, but we’d been kept apart as we got older.
Marcello never liked me, and he never thought I was good enough to be around his son.
But in that moment, all I truly cared about was ending my evil fuck of a father.
He hadn’t seen me yet, so I pulled my gun and shot him straight through the head.
Marcello made a lunge for Rafe in the moment, and Rafe didn’t hesitate to shoot.
We both just stood looking at each other then, both of our fathers bleeding out on the ground.
That bonded us in some twisted way, and I’ve worked for Rafe ever since. ”
“You saved his life,” I whispered gratefully.
“He saved mine too. He gave me a home and a family. A place I felt like I belonged, even as messed up as I am.”
“Don’t say that. You’re not messed up!” I bit out.
“I am, but that’s okay, because it helps me to protect the people I care about,” he argued. “And it brought you to me too.”
“Like I’m some blessing!” I scoffed, but when I dipped my head to show him I was smiling and teasing, he took me completely by surprise, grabbing my face between his hands and pulling me in close.
He hesitated for just a second, I suspected giving me time to pull away if I wanted to, but I didn’t.
He had me enraptured in his intensity. When he pushed up to press his lips to mine I kissed him back, not allowing myself to over think it.
I had feelings for him, and they were growing by the day.
I wanted that kiss, that perfect moment with him.
He kept it brief, just a few pecks of his firm, warm lips against mine, then he pulled away, releasing me as he laid back with a satisfied smile on his face.
“Perfect,” he uttered.
I was pretty sure I was flushed, and there was definitely a smile on my face too.
I was tempted to lunge forwards and kiss him again, properly this time, but I hesitated as my brain overtook with logic once again.
My smile slipped as I remembered that I was too messed up to get into any kind of relationship. I had told myself that, over and over.
Dante watched me for several beats, seeming to read every thought racing through my head. I didn’t know if I should say something, apologise for being so confused, maybe, but he took the decision from me.
“Come on. We should get you upstairs. I want to ice your knuckles. They’re going to bruise,” he said as he wrapped an arm around me and sat up with me in his lap.
I opted to take the out he offered, and lifted my hands between us. I studied my red knuckles as I tried to calm my racing heart. They still throbbed a little, and I made myself focus on that pain, instead of how badly I had messed up the moment with Dante.
“They’re fine. It’ll toughen them up,” I shrugged.
“It will stop you from training with Dario and Arran if they swell, which I’m assuming would piss you off?”
“Fine,” I sighed as I slid from his lap and sat on the mat at his side. My heart rate seemed to be slowing, and I felt a little calmer and more composed. “Let’s go. You’re right. I’ll be pissed if the guys won’t train with me later.”
There was a smile on Dante’s face as he got to his feet, then lifted me to mine.
It had been there since he kissed me, and didn’t seem to be leaving any time soon.
I wished I could feel that way, just happy because of the brief kiss, but I was, as usual, over thinking it, and I just felt confused more than anything.
I wanted Dante, and that brief kiss had been the greatest of my life, even though it had barely been anything really.
But he was so much older than me, and he was a very complex man.
His complexities didn’t dissuade me exactly, but I wasn’t sure we could ever work when I had so many of my own complications.
And aside from all of that, there was another problem too…
or three, to be exact. Cal, Arran, and Dario.
Dante wasn’t wrong that I had feelings for all of them too.
I didn’t understand how it had happened, or why I found myself growing feelings for four men at once, but it was happening, no matter how hard I tried to deny it.
I wanted all of them, and that was so crazy and irrational. It was little wonder I was so confused!