23. Luka
23
LUKA
I snuck a glance at Zander as he hung a dish towel over the rail on my oven.
Today had been a perfect day.
I’d woken up with Zander at my back, his strong arms holding me close. I lay there for a while, just enjoying the quiet and wishing that could be us every morning.
Eventually Zander stirred, and I wasted no time crawling down his body so I could blow him. He came in record time, and so had I when he immediately returned the favor.
When we were sated, we spent over an hour laying in bed together, just kissing and chatting about everything and nothing while we cuddled. We showered together after getting up, and then he insisted on making me breakfast, saying he wanted to give me a break after everything I’d been through yesterday.
He was so sweet and considerate, and the way he seemed to genuinely enjoy taking care of me was amazing. I’d never had that before, and until him, I hadn’t realized how much I needed it.
After we ate, we spent the afternoon relaxing and cuddling. We had sex again, with me riding him on the couch and ending with him bending me over the arm of the couch and fucking me until I came all over myself and he finished on my back.
When we were mobile again, Zander helped me do my weekly meal prep, and we had dinner together. It wasn’t the first time we’d spent the day like this, but it felt different because we’d woken up together, prolonging the intimacy from last night.
It was the best day I’d had in forever, and I didn’t want it to end.
“Are you sure you have to go?” I asked, locking my arms around Zander’s waist.
“Unfortunately.” He wrapped his arms around me, not making any effort to get away. “I have to go be an adult.”
I made a face. “Being an adult sucks. I want to know who I need to contact to cancel my adulting subscription. I don’t remember signing up for this crap.”
He laughed and pecked a kiss on the tip of my nose. “Same. But unfortunately I feel like even if we did manage to do that, we’d just get resubscribed.”
“Probably.” Leaning up, I slotted our mouths together, needing to feel his kiss.
This so wasn’t like me. I wasn’t a clingy person, and I’d never been the type to stall saying goodbye to someone.
I’d learned the hard way with my first girlfriend that putting my phone down and ending a text conversation after the first goodbye was a major relationship infraction. The whole “you stop texting, no you stop texting” thing was annoying, but I’d done it because it was expected.
With Zander, I really didn’t want him to go, and my stalling tactics were genuine. It was weird to think I was acting more like a teenager now than when I’d been an actual teen.
“Luka, how many times have I— oh shit !”
Zander and I broke apart, practically leaping away from each other at my sister’s voice.
I whirled around to find Jade in the doorway to my living room, a shocked expression on her face.
“Jade!” I exclaimed, panic kicking in as white noise filled my ears.
Oh god, oh god, oh god. This wasn’t how I wanted my sister to find out about me. How much had she seen? What the fuck was I supposed to do?
“I’m sorry.” Jade’s cheeks went bright pink, and she looked away. “I just, your door… I needed to…”
“Hi.” Zander’s voice was even and unfazed as he offered my sister a friendly smile. “I’m Zander, a friend of Luka’s from work.”
“Hi.” She smiled at him, some of her shock melting away. “I’m Jade, Luka’s sister.”
“I was just helping Luka with something.” He raked his hand through his hair and flipped the long strands so they fell on the other side of his head. The move looked casual, but I knew him well enough to recognize that he was just as panicked as me.
“Your door was unlocked.” Jade shot me an accusing look. “I never would have just barged in if I knew you had someone over.”
“I was just leaving.” Zander offered her an easy smile.
“You don’t have to go. I’ll go.” She took a step backward and flicked her gaze to mine. “We can talk later.”
“It’s fine.” Zander waved dismissively. “I was on my way out.”
How the fuck he was able to act so normal right now was beyond me, but I was grateful because I sure as hell couldn’t.
“I’ll see you at work tomorrow.” He turned his smile on me.
“Yeah,” I managed to choke out. “Tomorrow.”
I watched as the man I loved left my apartment, wishing like hell I had the courage to run after him.
“I’m so sorry.” Jade wrung her hands in front of her. “I didn’t know you had someone over.”
“It’s fine,” I said woodenly. “Are you okay?”
She let out a nervous laugh and looked between me and the door a few times. “Yeah. Fine. Just…”
I waved her into the living room. “What’s going on?”
She glanced at the door one more time, then trudged into the room and over to the couch.
I sat next to her, my shock finally breaking and my mind working normally again.
“Luka…” She fiddled with her bracelet. “I know.”
“You know what?” I asked, genuinely confused.
“I know about you being into guys.”
For the second time in as many minutes, my brain did something akin to a record scratch as panic and fear and disbelief hit me like a wrecking ball.
“What?” I croaked, my vision blinking in and out a few times.
A warm hand encircled my wrist, grounding me before I could completely spiral. “I’ve known for a while now.”
“What?” I repeated, my chest squeezing tight with more fear and panic.
She knew? How? When?
“Danny Swanson,” she said softly.
I almost choked on nothing. I hadn’t heard his name in so long.
“I saw you with him,” she continued. “I came home early one day, and you were in your room, but your door wasn’t closed.”
“What did you see?” I asked, some of my shock finally breaking.
“Not much,” she insisted. “Just you two kissing.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” I asked, my head spinning. She’d known for nine years?
She shrugged helplessly. “I didn’t know how. I figured you’d tell me when you were ready, but you never did.”
“Does Mom know?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think so. She’s never said anything.”
I blew out a breath. “I can’t believe you’ve known all this time.”
She chewed on her lip. “I wondered if maybe Danny was an experiment because you never said anything, but you guys were so close.”
“We were together,” I said softly. “I really liked him.”
She smiled encouragingly.
I’d never talked to anyone about exactly what happened with Danny. I’d sort of glossed over the details with Zander, but that was it.
“I think… I think I could have loved him if we’d stayed together longer.” I rubbed my hand against the leg of my sweats. “He wanted me to come out, to be with him for real.” I shot my sister a helpless look. “But I wasn’t ready. Not then. I would have, I just needed more time to figure stuff out.”
She nodded, understanding crossing her features.
“I know it’s not fair for me to be mad that he didn’t want to hide, but it wasn’t fair for him to demand that I come out before I was ready. I was so confused and scared, and I just needed some time, but he walked away, and I was too chicken shit to go after him.” I let out a hysterical-sounding laugh. “Like I just let Zander walk out of here because I was too chicken shit to tell you the truth.”
“Luka,” she chided. “You were a kid. You can’t blame yourself for what happened when you were seventeen.”
“What about all the years after? All the times I could have told you or Mom but didn’t?”
“You had your reasons. I don’t blame you for not saying anything. I just hate that you kept this to yourself for so long because, knowing you, you’ve been torturing yourself for years over it.”
I dropped my gaze. She had my number.
“I was going to tell you when I found another guy I wanted to be with,” I confessed. “But that didn’t happen. And the more time that passed, the harder it was to say something.”
“But you and Zander, you’re together?” she asked tentatively.
I nodded, some of the tightness in my chest lessening. “How much did you see?”
“Honestly, nothing.” She fiddled with her bracelet again. “Just you guys standing in the living room and you looking like you were about to faint from fear.”
“How did you know there’s something between us?” I had to ask. “If you didn’t see anything.”
“His sweatpants.” She spun the bracelet around her wrist. “Unless he went to our high school and played on the hockey team without me knowing about it, those were yours. That, and your reaction, was enough for me to put two and two together.”
I shook my head. I’d given him a pair of sweats to wear when we woke up so he wouldn’t have to put his jeans on again. At the time, I loved seeing him some of my old team gear. Now I felt like an idiot for not realizing how obvious a sign that was.
“You really like him, don’t you?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t just like him. I love him.”
“Have you told him that?”
I shook my head again.
“Is there a reason you haven’t said anything? Is it new?”
“Not that new,” I said honestly. “We started talking about three weeks after I started at the garage, but it’s only been official for just over a month.” That was the easiest way to describe the timeline of our relationship. As much as I loved my sister, there was no way in hell I was telling her about Kinksters or how we started things by having anonymous phone sex together. “He’s not out.”
“He’s not?” she promoted when I fell silent.
“His mother is religious, and he grew up in a religious community,” I said, choosing my words carefully. I wasn’t trying to hide Zander’s background; Jade just didn’t need me to info dump everything about him in one conversation. And it wasn’t my story to tell.
A sad look crossed her features. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” I sighed, my shoulders relaxing now that I’d opened up and the world hadn’t ended. “She’s all he has, and he’s afraid he’ll lose her and his community if they find out about him.”
“Is he…like you?”
I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest. “No, he’s gay. I’m bi.” My voice cracked slightly on the word, but I got it out.
She smiled. “How does it feel saying that out loud?”
“Good.” I huffed out a breathy laugh. “Weird, but good.”
We fell silent for a few beats.
“What did you need to talk to me about?” I asked, only then remembering that she’d come over for a reason. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, mostly.” She resumed fiddling with her bracelet. “It’s Mom.”
“What’s going on?” My head was still spinning from the fallout of getting caught and telling Jade my secrets.
“She’s really stressed-out right now. You know how she gets this time of year.”
I nodded.
Our mother loved Christmas. She was the type who put her tree up as soon as the Halloween decorations were down and left it up until at least mid-January. It was her favorite holiday, and she always spent the season stressed-out and trying to make sure everything was perfect.
“She invited Eddie’s kids and their families to Christmas dinner.”
“She did?”
Jade nodded. “I only found out because I heard her talking to Eddie about it on the phone a few nights ago. She told him she was trying to find the right time to tell us, but it hadn’t come up yet.”
“Tell us? Like about Christmas, or about them?”
Jade shrugged. “No clue, maybe both?”
I chewed on the corner of my lips, my head racing. It had been weeks since Jade saw the ring, and I’d barely spoken to Mom in the past few months. That wasn’t typical for us, but I’d been so wrapped up in my own crap I hadn’t noticed her texts and calls to check in had all but stopped.
The only time she pulled away from us was when she was trying to protect us.
Jade shrugged helplessly. “I hate seeing her like this, but I don’t know what to do.”
“I think I need to talk to her,” I said after a few beats.
“You do?”
I nodded. “I need to tell her about me, and about Zander. I can’t keep it a secret from her anymore. I have no idea how I’m going to do it, but I’ll talk to her about Eddie too. Let her know it’s okay and that we just want her to be happy.”
Jade nodded. “I think that’s the best way. You know she won’t take it well from me.”
I snort-laughed. Jade and our mother were so much alike that they sometimes had trouble communicating. Jade also didn’t do well under pressure, so she was liable to just blurt out accusations and forget the part about telling Mom it was okay and that we wanted her to be happy.
“I think you need to go after Zander.” She got to her feet.
“Yeah.” I stood and scrubbed a hand through my hair. “I definitely need to.”
“Can I just say that your boyfriend is hot?”
I pulled a face. “Ew. Not something I need to hear my little sister say.”
“What?” she asked innocently. “I’m just saying. He’s gorgeous. How the fuck did you bag a ten like him?”
“Must be my sparkling personality,” I deadpanned.
She laughed. “Must be.”
I followed her to my front door, making sure to grab my keys so I could lock up behind us.
After saying goodbye to her in the parking lot, I jogged down the path and knocked on Zander’s door.
He pulled it open immediately. “Is everything okay?”
My heart melted a little at his concern. He was always thinking about me, always taking care of me in little ways.
“Yeah.” I came into the house.
Before the door had even closed behind me, I stepped into Zander’s arms and hugged him tight. “I told her about us.”
He wrapped his arms around me. “How did it go?”
“As good as I figured it would.” I blew out a breath, finally relaxing since Jade had interrupted us. “She already knew.”
“She did?” He hugged me tighter.
“Yeah. Apparently she saw me and Danny kissing when we didn’t know she was home. She never said anything because she was waiting for me to tell her.”
“Jesus. I didn’t see that one coming.”
“Me either.” I rested my cheek on his strong shoulder. “Now I need to tell my mom.”
He rubbed his hand over my back in soothing circles. “Are you okay? This is a lot of telling people in a really short time.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “I mean, it’s very on brand for me to do it this way.”
He chuckled. “That’s very true. You take the saying go big or go home seriously.”
“I really do.” Reluctantly, I stepped back from him, already missing his warm body against mine. “It’s not great for my mental health, but it’s efficient.” I bit my lip.
“What’s that look for?”
“Last night, you said we were together. That means we’re boyfriends, right?” My face flushed hot, and I hoped to fuck I wasn’t as red as I felt.
“Yes,” he said seriously. “We’re boyfriends.”
A big, beaming smile split my face.
Smiling as big as I probably was, he took my hand and led me into his dining room/pool room.
“What are we doing?” I eyed the pool table. “Are you going to fuck me on there?”
He barked out a laugh. “I was going to suggest we play a few games to give you something to focus on so you could process everything, but I’d never say no to that.”
Grinning, I jumped up on the edge of the pool table and spread my legs wide so he could stand between them.
He slipped his arms around my waist. I rested my hands on his hips and hooked my legs around his, tilting my face up for a kiss.
Zander obliged, and the world quieted the moment our lips touched.
“I’m going to tell my mom before work tomorrow,” I said when he pulled away.
“You are?”
“Yeah. I need to. She works from home on Mondays, so if I don’t do it tomorrow, I’ll have to wait until after work, and that’s really not a conversation I want to be having right before she goes to bed and after I’ve had a long day at the shop.” I sighed. “I need to talk to her anyway, so I might as well tell her about me, and us, at the same time.”
“What do you mean?”
“The reason Jade came over was because she’s worried about Mom and how stressed-out she’s been. She overheard Mom talking about how she invited Eddie’s kids and their families to Christmas dinner, but she hasn’t told us yet, not about anything.”
“Has she invited them for holidays before?”
“No. Jade and I have never met them. But they know Mom.”
He raised one eyebrow.
“They both live in Seattle, so it’s easier for Eddie to go to them. I think his son has two kids, and his daughter has three with another on the way. So yeah, they’re busy. Mom’s gone with Eddie a bunch of times, so she knows them, but we don’t.”
“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked. “Not while you talk to her, but for moral support. I can wait in the car.”
“Really, you’d do that?”
He nodded. “If it’ll help.”
“Yeah,” I said. “It would.”
“I’m going to tell my mom too.”
My jaw dropped. That was the last thing I expected him to say.
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.” He looked at me seriously. “I never really minded hiding who I am because I didn’t have anyone worth coming out for.”
My breath caught in my throat.
“But now I do. And I’m tired of hiding it. I’m gay. I’ve always been gay, and I’ll always be gay. The thought of losing my mother is terrifying. So is losing everyone from my past, but I can’t keep living for them. I need to put my happiness first, and if they can’t accept me for who I am, then so be it.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to regret this. Or regret me. It’s not like with my family?—”
“I could never regret you,” he said firmly. “Jesse said something the other day that really stuck with me.”
“What was it?”
“He said that your real family are the people who choose to be there for you. Who chose to love you, and DNA doesn’t mean shit if the people you share it with don’t show up for you. If my mother and her community can’t love the real me, then I’ll find people who do.”
I bit my tongue to stop myself from telling him I loved him. Now wasn’t the right time.
“You have people who love you, you know,” I said instead. “Ivy and Mark.”
He nodded. “True.”
“And the guys at work. Nate and Dev definitely, but you know Jesse, Asa, and Isaac would throw down for you in an instant if you needed them. And me too. I…really care about you.”
It wasn’t what I wanted to say, but I needed him to know that I cared. That I would always be there for him.
His eyes went misty. “I really care about you too.” A pause. “And thank you. I sometimes need to be reminded that I do have people. I’ve just been alone for so long that I forget sometimes.”
“That’s okay, because you have me to remind you.” I pulled him close and bumped our cocks together. “You were saying something about fucking me on this pool table before we got sidelined?”
He laughed and slid his hand down my back so he could pinch my ass.
“It’s fine if you don’t want to.” I shrugged casually. “I can just take care of things while you watch.”
He tucked his knuckle under my chin and tipped it up so he could drop a kiss against my lips. “Brat.”
“Maybe.”
“As fun as last night was, I’m going to enjoy spreading you out on this table and teasing you until you’re begging me to let you come.”
My entire body tightened. “Yeah? Then what are you going to do?”
“Depends on how good you are.” He ran his thumb over my bottom lip, then pushed it inside my mouth.
I sucked on it, letting my tongue curl around it.
“If you’re a good boy for me, I’ll fuck you.”
“And if I’m not?” I asked when he pulled his thumb free.
“Then I’ll make you watch while I get off.”
A pulse of desire shot through me. That didn’t sound awful.
“But only watch,” he added. “No touching yourself, and no coming.”
That sounded less appealing. “I’ll be good.” A pause. “Maybe.”
He smiled affectionately. “Such a brat.”
“You bring it out in me.” Holding his hips, I tugged him against me again. “Now how about you make good on your promises.”
He covered my mouth with his, his kiss sweet and soft and achingly perfect. “You’re sleeping over tonight,” he said, his lips hovering over mine.
“I am?” I couldn’t keep the giddiness out of my voice.
“Yes.” A kiss. “You’re going to be staying over a lot from now on.” Another kiss.
“That sounds perfect.”
He kissed me again. “But maybe we can work on your door-locking skills when we’re at your place?”
I laughed. “Trust me when I say I will never forget to lock my door again after today. Now fuck me until I can’t remember my own name.”
He laughed and pressed his lips to mine. The kiss was messy and uncoordinated, and it took me a second to realize that it was because we couldn’t stop smiling.