24. Luka
24
LUKA
“How are you doing?” Zander asked from the passenger seat after I’d parked in front of my mom’s house.
I cut the engine. “Fine, but not fine.”
He took my hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
I squeezed back. “Thanks for coming with me.”
“Of course.” He lifted our joined hands and pressed a kiss against my knuckles.
My heart fluttered at the move.
“Do you need a minute before you go in?”
I shook my head. “Her office faces the street. She’ll notice if I sit here for too long.”
“Then I’d better not kiss you for luck.”
Hooking my free hand around the back of his neck, I pulled him toward me. Our kiss was soft and sweet and exactly what I needed.
“Her office is on the second floor. She can’t see into the car,” I said against his lips, not pulling away.
He kissed me again, sweet and gentle.
“You’ve got this,” he said when we pulled apart.
“I’ve got this.” I blew out a breath and squeezed his hand one more time.
He gave me an encouraging smile, and I pushed the car door open.
Cutting across the grass, I hurried up the walkway to the front door. I tested the doorknob. It was unlocked.
“Mom?” I called, stepping into the house.
She appeared at the top of the stairs. “Hi, honey.” Her smile was tight as she descended them.
“Is this an okay time?”
I texted last night to see if she’d be free, but I didn’t want to interrupt if she was in the middle of something.
“It’s fine.” She reached the bottom of the stairs and opened her arms for a hug. “Is everything okay? Your text was a little vague.”
I hugged her back, nerves fluttering in my stomach. “I’m fine. I just need to talk to you about something.”
“Do you want some coffee? Anything to eat?” she asked.
“I’m good. Can we sit?” I pointed to the living room.
She nodded.
When we were settled on the couch, I turned to face her. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
She kept quiet, but her expression said she was listening.
“I have no idea how to start this conversation,” I admitted. “So instead of finding a subtle way to bring it up, I’m just going to say it.”
“Okay,” she encouraged when I fell silent.
“Actually, there’s two things. Both aren’t easy to talk about. Or bring up.”
“Luka,” she interrupted before I could start babbling. “Are you in trouble?”
“What? No.” I shook my head. “It’s nothing like that. It’s… I’m seeing someone. Like dating.”
She looked confused for a second but then smiled brightly. “You are?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my hand against my jeans nervously.
“That’s wonderful. Tell me about her.”
My chest tightened. “That’s the thing. I’m not dating a woman.”
Confusion clouded her features again, but it quickly melted away, leaving a look of understanding. “You’re dating a man?”
I nodded, my breath catching and the world going a little shimmery as my nerves seemed to hit a crescendo.
“That’s wonderful,” she repeated, smiling just as brightly as before. “Tell me about him.”
“Really?” I blurted out.
That was it?
“What?” She looked confused.
“I just…” I shook my head as a mess of emotions came crashing down on me.
“Luka.” She reached over and put her hand over mine. “I didn’t know for sure, but I’ve suspected that you might be interested in men for a while now.”
My jaw dropped as the world shifted under me. She knew?
“How?”
“You had a friend when you were younger, Danny Swanson.”
I gaped at her. This was the second time hearing his name in as many days.
“I saw the way you used to look at him. And how devastated you were when he stopped coming around. You weren’t just sad or upset about losing a friend. You were heartbroken.”
“And you didn’t say anything?”
“It wasn’t my place. I wanted you to figure out who you are without any interference from me. All I could do was try to be supportive and wait until you were ready to tell me.”
“Jesus Christ.” I raked a hand through my hair to try and dispel some of my nervous energy. “First Jade, now you.” I paused as a thought dawned on me. “Did Dad know?”
“We both suspected it could be a possibility.”
“Was he okay with it?” I croaked.
One of my biggest regrets was that I never had the chance to tell my dad the truth. I’d gone over it in my head thousands of times over the years, and while I was almost positive he would have been okay with it, a small part of me was terrified that he wouldn’t have.
She nodded. “Yes. Your dad only wanted you to be happy. To find someone who treats you well, respects you, and makes you happy. That’s it. The same as me.”
I dropped my eyes, my vision going blurry. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” She slid across the couch and pulled me into one of her Mom hugs. “You have nothing to be sorry about. You told me when you were ready.”
“I’ve just been holding it in for so long, and I didn’t have to.” I pressed my face against her soft sweater. “Jade is fine with it. You are. Dad was. Even Dean is totally fine with it. I spent so long freaking out and lying to everyone for no reason.”
“You didn’t lie to us, sweetheart. Not telling us isn’t the same as lying. I’m just sorry that I didn’t make it easier for you to tell me sooner.”
“We’ll be here forever if we both start apologizing,” I said, soaking in the comfort that you could only get from a Mom hug. “You know how we are.”
She laughed, giving me a little squeeze, then sat back. “Would you like to tell me about your boyfriend?”
I let out a little laugh, not because anything was funny, but because I couldn’t believe I was sitting in my childhood home telling my mom about my boyfriend.
“His name is Zander. We met at work.”
Her eyes widened. “At work? Is he a mechanic too?”
I nodded. “Yeah. We started talking a few weeks after I started, and we’ve been together for just over a month now.”
“I’d love to meet him.” She brightened, like an idea had just popped into her head. “Does he have plans for Christmas? He should come to dinner if he’s free.”
“Um, yeah, actually. He is. His mom always goes to a friend's house for dinner.”
Mom’s smile fell. “She doesn’t do Christmas with her son? Or her family?”
“It’s just the two of them. They’re not close.” I didn’t want to tell her too much about Zander’s relationship with his mom, but I wanted her to understand what he dealt with when he was young. “She’s religious, and she wasn’t a great mom to him when he was growing up.”
Her confused expression was replaced with a stony one. “She doesn’t accept his sexuality?”
“She doesn’t know. He said he’s going to tell her soon, but he’s pretty much resigned to her not being okay with it.” I paused. “He’s gay. I’m bi. I mean, you obviously know that, but I just…” I shrugged. “My brain is kind of going rogue right now.”
Mom smiled. “I understand. I imagine this was very difficult for you.”
“Way more difficult than it should have been.”
“I’d love to meet him, either at Christmas or whenever you have some time off.”
“Thanks. I’ll let him know and get back to you.” I paused again. This was the perfect segue for the second part of the conversation. “There’s something else I need to talk to you about.”
“What is it?”
“Again, I have no idea how to say it, so I’m just going to say it.” I drew in a breath and forced myself to keep talking. “I’ve noticed that things between you and Eddie seem to be getting serious.”
Her cheeks flushed bright pink, but she held my gaze.
“And I just wanted to let you know that if that’s the case, then I’m happy for you.”
She blinked rapidly. Whether she was clearing tears or trying not to react to my words, I couldn’t tell.
“Eddie’s a great guy,” I continued before I could lose my nerve. “And I think Dad would be really happy that you have him.”
She made a sound that was a cross between a sob and a cough. “Thank you, sweetheart. That…that means a lot.”
I waited to see if she’d say more.
“There’s actually something I wanted to tell you and your sister.” She offered me a small smile, her eyes a bit misty. “I invited Jenna and Max and their families to Christmas dinner.”
“Yeah?” I tried to look surprised, but not overly so.
“Eddie and I have something we want to tell you, all of you, and we thought Christmas would be a good time to get everyone together.”
“That sounds great. I can’t wait to hear the news.”
She smiled, looking far more relaxed than she had a few minutes ago. “Can you stay for a bit, or do you need to get to work?”
“I should head out,” I said as we stood. “Zander’s waiting in the car.”
She snapped her gaze to mine. “He’s waiting outside?”
“Yeah. He came along for moral support.”
She put her hands on her hips and pinned me with a Mom look. “And you didn’t invite him in? What’s he going to think of me? Go get him so I can meet him properly before you go to work.”
I paused, not quite sure how to explain this to her. “Um, there’s something else you should know about him. Zander’s shy, and he’s really introverted. Meeting new people is hard for him, especially if he’s not expecting it or hasn’t had a chance to prepare himself.”
Mom’s smile softened. “Well, in that case, how about you see if he’d like to come in for a moment before you go to work? If not, we can find a different time. And if Christmas dinner is going to be too much with so many new people, maybe he could come with you on Christmas Eve, kind of ease into the chaos?”
I smiled at her thoughtfulness. One of our family traditions was that we got together on Christmas Eve and had a little holiday party where we wore the gaudiest Christmas outfits we could find and had a few drinks while we enjoyed snacks and silly games. It was a low-key and chill night compared to how crazy things could get the next day.
“Yeah. That might be a better option. I’ll talk to him and let you know.”
She walked me to the door and gave me a big hug, holding on until I was ready to let go.
“Have a good day at work.”
“Thanks. Hope your day is over soon.”
With a final wave, I left Mom’s house and hurried to my car.
“Are you okay?” Zander asked as soon as I closed the door behind me, his features tight with concern.
“Yeah.” I let out another random laugh, even though nothing was funny. “She already knew. Or at least she suspected, so she wasn’t surprised at all.”
His eyes rounded comically.
“Yup, pretty much my reaction.” I shook my head, my mind still reeling from everything that had just happened.
Zander reached across the center console and took my hand in his.
“And she said my dad knew I might be bi, and he was okay with it.” I blew out a breath as Zander squeezed my hand. “I guess I wasn’t as good at hiding things at seventeen as I thought I was.”
“Most of us aren’t.” He grazed his thumb over my knuckles. “Are you okay, though? For real?”
“Yeah.” I offered him a wobbly smile. “Still processing, but I’m okay. My family knows, my best friend knows… And everyone is fine with it.” I scrubbed my free hand over my face. “I feel like an idiot for not telling them sooner.”
“Don’t.” Zander tipped my chin up so I was looking at him. “Don’t do that to yourself. I know it’s hard not to wonder or go over all the what-ifs that are rolling around in that brain of yours but try not to let those thoughts take over. You told them when you were ready, and now all the important people in your life know the truth, and they love you just the same as they did before.”
“Thanks,” I whispered. “I’ll try to remember that.”
He pressed a soft kiss against my lips. “Just remember that you have me to help you through it if you start struggling again. I’ll remind you as many times as you need me to.”
I leaned in and gave him another soft kiss.
When we were both sitting back in our seats, I pulled my keys out of my pocket and flipped them in my hand a few times. “So, Mom wants to meet you.”
He blanched slightly but otherwise didn’t react.
“She invited you in so she can say hi before work, but she understands if you’re not ready right now.”
He chewed on his lower lip. “I don’t think I am. I want to meet her, but I wasn’t expecting?—”
“It’s fine, babe,” I assured him. “She gets it. She also invited you over for either Christmas Eve or Christmas dinner.”
“Christmas Eve, like your family party?”
I nodded. I’d told him about our tradition at the same time he told me that he usually spent Christmas Eve with Ivy and Mark and stopped by his mom’s house before she went to dinner with whoever was hosting her that year.
“Really?” He looked shocked. “She’d be okay with that?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t she be?”
“It’s just that’s your family tradition, and I’m only…”
“You’re my boyfriend, babe.” I grinned at his flabbergasted expression. “That means you’re part of the family. That’s how we roll, so you’d better get used to it because you’re about to get a surrogate sister and mom, and stepdad and stepsiblings if what I think is going to happen at dinner, does.”
His cheeks pinked slightly under his golden glow.
“You don’t have to decide anything now.” I stuck my keys in the ignition, then pulled out my phone so I could text Mom before we headed out. “Think about it, and I’ll let her know later.”
Luka : we’re going to head to work now. I asked him about xmas and he’s just figuring out which day works best
Mom : have a wonderful day at work
Mom : send me his sweater size and a list of things he’s interested in
Luka : will do. Love you
Mom : Love you too
“Everything good?” Zander asked when I’d put my phone away.
“Everything is great.” I turned the car on. “Ready to go to work, or should I drop you off so you can grab your car? It’ll look suspicious if we show up together on a Monday.”
“We can pick up my car if you’d like, but I was thinking that maybe it’s time we tell everyone the truth.”
“Really?” I put the car in gear and checked to make sure the coast was clear so I could pull away from the curb.
“Yeah. I was thinking about this while you were inside. I can’t keep pretending like we’re nothing more than friends. Not anymore. You’re mine, Luka. And if that’s going to be a problem at work, then I’d rather know now so we can deal with it.”
“Do you think it will be?” I shot him a quick look as I drove down my childhood street. A warm feeling spread out through my chest at him calling me his. I’d never get tired of it.
“I don’t know. It might be, but then again, it might not. The only way to find out is to tell them.”
“When?”
The more I thought about it, the more I agreed with him. I was tired of policing my every move at work. It was time we put the truth out there and trust that the people who mattered would be okay with it.
“I was thinking the staff Christmas party. That way everyone is together, hopefully in a good mood, and we’ll only have to say it once.”
I nodded, my mind spinning with thoughts. “Yeah. That makes sense. A few more days, then.”
“A few more days.” He reached over and laced our fingers together.
A part of me thought I should be freaking out. I’d spent nine years hiding the truth because I’d been scared of what might happen if people found out, and even with my balls-to-the-wall way of doing things, I’d thrown all those fears out the window and told my mother, sister, and friend that I was not only bi, but also dating a man.
And it was all thanks to Zander. I never would have been able to take this step without his encouragement and support. Knowing he’d be there to help me process everything meant the world to me, and it made me love him that much more.
I had no idea if he felt the same about me. Zander was an incredible man and the most attentive partner I could have ever asked for. He constantly found ways to show me how much he cared. It was in every touch, every smile, and every little action that told me how special I was to him.
He was everything, and in that moment, I realized it didn’t matter if he loved me. He’d chosen me, and he was about to upset his entire life just to be with me. He was willing to lose his mother, his community, and possibly his job, all for me.
The least I could do was keep on loving him and be there for him like he’d been there for me.
He was worth it. We were worth it.
I might be his, but he was also mine, and now that I’d found him, I was never letting go.